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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Am I encouraging exclusion at holiday club?

157 replies

HolidayClubFriends · 30/07/2022 15:35

DD (aged 8) goes to a holiday club.

There’s a girl there whose in her class and goes to an activity with her. We’ll call her S.

For context both S and DD have SN, this is not a club specifically for those with SN but they are very inclusive and DD loves it.

DD has also made friends with a group of other children there, there’s 4 of them in this group, a mixture of boys and girls. None of them go to her school but one goes to an activity DD does (not the same one S does).

On Tuesday when DD was there she said S wanted her to herself all day and got upset if she tried to play with the group. DD says one of the boys and one of the girls in the group invited both DD and S to play but S cried because she wanted DD to herself so DD stayed with S all day.

On Wednesday I told DD that as long as she wasn’t deliberately leaving S out she was ok to play with the group if she wanted to. I told her to invite S to play with them or ask the group if S can join them but if S says no or that she just wants DD to play with then she does not have to play with just S if she wants to play with the group. I also emailed the holiday club leader (HCL) and said that DD wanted to play with this group but I’d told her to include other children. HCL emailed back and said she'd make sure everyone was included but that DD could play with her group of friends.

Wednesday night I got a Facebook message from S’s mum saying S was upset because she’d wanted to play with just DD all day and DD had been playing with the other group and could I ask DD to play with just S please.

I didn’t reply to the message but did email the HCL just to check that DD hadn’t left S out, she came back and said she’d encouraged a group including DD to include S but S hadn’t wanted to play with them. She didn’t say anymore than that. I forwarded the message in the next email and just said that this was S’s mums view and if my DD was bullying or excluding S I wanted to know. She replied and said that DD had wanted to play with the group and S but S didn’t want to play with the group.

On Thursday I got another message from S’s mum to say that DD not playing with S is bullying and she’s going to ask the HCL to keep the girls together in a pair so they can “sort out their differences” I replied to say DD had said she’d wanted to play with all her friends and invited S to play, S’s mum then said that S only likes to play with one other child at a time and she’s chosen DD. Apparently next week DD will only be allowed to play with S.

AIBU to tell DD to play with the group of friends if she wants to? Or am I encouraging her to exclude S?

I don’t know what to do.

DDs SN isn’t autism or adhd but she does struggle socially, she tries to make friends wherever she can and I’m so pleased she has a small group at holiday club as none of her classmates are there. She's there 3 days a week while I work so I want her to be happy and to want to go.

So who is UR?

OP posts:

Figgygal · 30/07/2022 16:14

S needs to learn she cant exclusive use of your daughter
S is excluding herself
Her mum is batshit
You and your dd have done all you can

greatblueheron · 30/07/2022 16:16

S’s mum then said that S only likes to play with one other child at a time and she’s chosen DD. Apparently next week DD will only be allowed to play with S.

Nope.

"It's not DD's responsibility to play with your daughter 1 on 1 because your daughter doesn't want to join in. This is not bullying. What you're doing is now bullying trying to make my daughter do something she doesn't want to do to make your daughter happy. I'm sorry, but his is not going to happen. This camp is an opportunity for my daughter, DD, to make new friends and play with groups. And I will be following up with the camp director to ensure this happens. Please don't contact me again."

WombaMaPonga · 30/07/2022 16:17

I'd be firm with S mum and be clear that is not going to happen unless your DD chooses to do that
I'd be chuffed to bits if my child was making new friends and enjoying herself -she can't dictate to you. Make sure she doesn't try and have a quiet word with your daughter too

MakingNBaking · 30/07/2022 16:18

You say that 'apparently' next week your DD will only be allowed to play with S. on whose say-so? I hope it's not the club leader caving into S's mum's batty demands.
This constitutes bullying of your child. I wouldn't be having that, no.
And I say that as someone whose child is both physically disabled, and lives with ASD. I don't expect the world to revolve around him and his needs, to the detriment of the group as a whole.

Sapphirensteel · 30/07/2022 16:22

TheProvincialLady · 30/07/2022 15:40

“It’s lovely your daughter wants to play with mine but my daughter also has a choice here. I’m assured that she’s not excluding S and won’t be insisting she plays exclusively with her or anyone else.”

While agreeing with @lilyboleyn that S’s mum is indeed bat shit crazy, I feel @TheProvincialLady ’s response is probably more reasonable.

OchonAgusOchonOh · 30/07/2022 16:23

There is out and out bullying going on here but it is coming from S and her mother. S is trying to guilt trip your DD, which is a form of bullying as she is trying to control your dd. Her mother is reinforcing the bullying behaviour.

My ds had this with his "best" friend in primary school and it was very difficult to navigate. Like you, I told ds to ensure he included the friend in group play but not to give in to the emotional blackmail. Ds tended to alternate with some solo play and some group play. Just as well he did as the other child eventually (several years into the friendship) moved on to someone else and dropped my ds. As ds hadn't given in to the emotional blackmail, he had plenty of other friends to fall back on.

Like pps have suggested, tell the mother that your dd enjoys playing in a group and she has invited S to join them and will continue to do so. It is up to S what she wants to do then.

ldontWanna · 30/07/2022 16:23

Yeah,that's crap. If anything, the mum is trying to bully your DD into being her daughter's friend/entertainer. It doesn't work that way.

The kids are being inclusive,asking her to play,welcoming her in their group. That's all good. The other kid either doesn't want to,or can't play in a group. That's also fine. What they can't do ,either of them, is to demand that your DD only plays with her for days on end.

I'd block this woman, no point in listening and worrying about her entitled emotional blackmail.

StaticRatic · 30/07/2022 16:30

S’s mum needs to back off and focus on her own child’s behaviour, not drag you in and try to control your DD.

I have a DD, who’s autistic, who can get sometimes get obsessive about one person and want them to be her “best friend”. The solution to this is definitely not to force the other child to play with DD alone! It’s hard to see but it’s something that we work on at home, using books and stories about friendship as well as trying to build self esteem, and school support with any conflicts if necessary.

DD has made some progress and understands now that being clingy isn’t being a good friend, as it’s upsetting for the person on the receiving end (still a work in progress at times if she can’t reign in her jealous temperament 😂)

The people running the camp need to be working with S’s mum to support. It is a shame she is struggling. It’s not up to your DD to babysit someone else though.

Original poster

HolidayClubFriends · 30/07/2022 16:32

Thanks everyone, DDs SN means she has a slight speech delay so she struggles to keep up in groups so the fact she wants to be included in one is big progress for her!

I do feel for S and her mum, I know SN parenting a minefield (I'm there myself) and it must be quite worrying for both that S only has DD she knows, whereas DD has another child from another activity group.

I don't have S's mum as a friend on Facebook, she must have found me via the activities page. My name is quite identifiable and I do have photos of DD as my cover. She messaged me via messanger, but we've spoken on there before so it came straight through and not into message requests.

OP posts:

MarinoRoyale · 30/07/2022 16:33

TheProvincialLady · 30/07/2022 15:40

I’d reply with this but I’d also add something along the lines of “it’s not for you or S to decide who my DD spends time with. If you have any further concerns, I suggest you do the same as me and raise it with the holiday club directly”

Luredbyapomegranate · 30/07/2022 16:36

TheProvincialLady · 30/07/2022 15:40

Something like this, copy in the centre manager and be absolutely clear in a separate email to the centre manager you want your daughter to mix with other kids

This woman is high level nuts and sadly her daughter is likely on a similar track

Gilmorehill · 30/07/2022 16:36

I work in a school and these situations happen quite frequently. Sometimes it happens with a child who doesn’t have the social skills to cope with groups. However when you then get a parent insisting that their dc cling to one chosen friend, it can get very difficult. If the other child resists, the parent accuses them of bullying. If the school contradicts this, they are accused of not caring about the child. It happens over and over again and the loser is the child who just needs nurturing.

MarinoRoyale · 30/07/2022 16:39

And to be answer your original question, you are not excluding anyone and you are encouraging your daughter to recognise that her wishes are as important as anyone else’s. Having a child with SN doesn’t give anyone the right to dictate how another child spends their time.

NumberTheory · 30/07/2022 16:39

I think your response to this needs to be along the lines of:

S is welcome to play with DD, but DD is not a toy that S can have to herself. DD does not belong to S and S needs to learn to respect that DD is a person in her own right. DD would not be safe playing with S if S cannot accept that. This is a basic social skill and friendships cannot develop without it.

SquirrelSoShiny · 30/07/2022 16:42

We had a version of this in school this year. It is absolutely ok for your daughter to play with the people she wants to play with. No one owns her.

In our case the other mum went a bit batshit too but it is what it is.

Pinklady245612 · 30/07/2022 16:51

Surely S only wanting to play with your daughter and wanting to exclude the group is bullying behaviour towards the group? So long as your daughter is offering to play with everyone she is doing nothing wrong.

Brigante9 · 30/07/2022 16:51

S’s mum is over anxious and needs to encourage S to play with others. It’s very unfair to tell the centre your dd can only play with S, how bizarre of her!

Underhisi · 30/07/2022 16:53

Yanbu. The club could perhaps do some more structured activities which would might S feel more comfortable but it isn't your daughters 'job' to meet S's needs.

Youaremysunshine14 · 30/07/2022 16:57

Tell the other mum her DD cannot dictate who your DD plays with and the entire point of you sending her to this group was to broaden her friendship groups. Say you’ll be making it clear to the leader that your DD mustn’t be paired off so it’s just the two of them all week and it’s up to this mum to manage her DD’s expectations of what a group setting involves. Then message the leader to say that and block the mum from contacting you any further.

Prinnny · 30/07/2022 16:58

That’s ridiculous. S’s mum is batshit.

CelestiaNoctis · 30/07/2022 16:59

I understand it must be hard for her but your child wants to play with others sometimes. I dunno what the solution could be really. You can't force a child to spend time with someone. It's not like she's saying she doesn't like her, she's just enjoying the wider group as a whole which is really nice. Maybe try to ask her mum like, is she asking you to force your child to play with hers when she doesn't want to? Because that's literally not something you can do. She's her own person.

Hippee · 30/07/2022 17:00

Your daughter must not be guilt-tripped into only playing with this child. It has happened to my DD, and she risked becoming isolated because she had a possessive friend. Thankfully our situation has resolved, but I remember how stressful it was when the other child accused DD of bullying, because she was playing with others when she wanted only one-on-one.

Wheresthebeach · 30/07/2022 17:01

greatblueheron · 30/07/2022 16:16

S’s mum then said that S only likes to play with one other child at a time and she’s chosen DD. Apparently next week DD will only be allowed to play with S.

Nope.

This is a good response. Don’t negotiate or your daughter will be dominated by this girl and learn that her needs and wants come second to others. It’s madness to force children to play together and not on to separate your daughter from a friendship group. You are being bullied.

Womencanlift · 30/07/2022 17:02

NumberTheory · 30/07/2022 16:39

I think your response to this needs to be along the lines of:

This is a very good response

MissGlitterSparkles · 30/07/2022 17:03

Your DD can play with whomever she chooses to. She should never be forced to play with a particular child.

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