Ukrainian guest …I’m not feeling comfortable

[CookieDoughKid]

I’ve been hosting a Ukrainian mother and 15yo daughter since beginning of May. We get on ok although we live very different lives even before the war. She’s a SAhM and I’m a working mum full time. It’s been difficult for her to adjust because her husband used to do everything, such as banking, booking train tickets, appointments. It’s been a real learning curve having to stand on her own feet here. Fortunately she can speak some English so over time, I have been able to take a step back from supporting her on how to live in England. her dd will be taking GCSE exams next summer term.

My kids and her dd don’t like each other and don’t get on. The mother is a bit work shy in that she is very choosy about jobs being offered to her by the job agency. She does a week here or there. Nothing permanent or full time. She is not claiming UC after it was made apparent she would have to look for work or go back to work full time. Her husband is supporting her financially. I broached the subject of long term accommodation and the challenges of finding rent. I was surprised to learn they have 10000 USD saved, husband has a good job in software in Ukraine. They are prepared to rent but would rather not as they don’t want to ‘waste their money’. I know they’d rather go back home if the war was over.

I had pledged at the start to give them half of the £350 thank you money from Gov to be used as a deposit for their rent when they move on. That’s £150 a month I would give to them for the 12 months commitment. I keep £150. I know I don’t have to do it but I wanted them to feel like they have some longevity here without too much hardship. That was prior to me learning about their savings. With everything going on at home, me working full time, my two teens…I’m finding it all a bit much. The mother is lovely but so talkative and she’s always there. Sand my day is incredibly busy, I travel for work, I have my own children to look after.

what gripes me is that she also doesn’t pay a single thing or offer when I’ve said from the start she needs to sort it herself I’m talking about washing powder and sundries….she does pay her own food. I’m starting to resent the fact that she never offers to pay for dishwasher tablets, stationery paper, toilet roll, cling film, aluminium foil, washing powder, cleaning goods, kitchen napkins etc… It all adds up.

Come October, it will have been 6 months of me hosting. Would I be unreasonable to ask her to plan on moving out …I think I can tolerate them living with me to Jan 2023 (that would be 9 months in total) but she’s mentioned she wants to stay with me till next June so that her dd can sit her exams without interruption.

Should I ask for a household contribution? And what about the £150 a month I pledged? It’s not that I can’t afford it, I can but I feel I’m being taken for a ride.

she mentioned she wanted help in applying for UC housing benefit in the future which does not sit well with me knowing she is supported by her husband, has savings and is choosy with jobs?

fwiw, we both try very hard to get on. She’s helpful sith cleaning and so am I, and we have a good rhythm in sharing the kitchen etc. we don’t argue and we haven’t had any major spats.

it’s just that I am finding it hard to live with someone who is so different in outlook to me and living with us full stop. My dad was a refugee, he held down 3 jobs 7 days a week for a while and that work ethic is very strong in me (I don’t rely on my husband financially and never have but that’s my choice). I know if I was to live with someone not out of choice I would work really hard, and try to move out as soon as possible!

would like your perspective on this. I feel really guilty even thinking about asking her to move out but also, I feel they would have had 8 or 9 months free living so..isn’t that generous in itself?

Yes it is.

@Suzi888 it's not fraud to apply for UC with savings you can have savings and apply for UC it's literally on the Turn2Us website advising how to apply

You’re expecting a woman who has lost everything and potentially everyone she knows to also hand over her life savings and the tiny spec of security she has, despite the OP being given financial assistance to pay for these extra costs.
I know you probably don’t have any experience of what she’s gone through, but a little empathy wouldn’t hurt.
What is OP losing in comparison?

Taken for a ride?! Seriously?! The woman and her child have lost everything and because she isn't dancing to the OPs tune of how a refugee should behave i.e. immediately settling down to scrub floors somewhere - then she's taking the OP for a ride?! Really?!

firstly-
See the savings as someone telling you their pension pot. Pensions are usually about 20% or 7% of a wage, and the monthly wage is typically about £160-240 a month. Food is a similar price as in the Uk.

Because you can’t live off a pension people save over their working lives usually in order to have something to live off in old age, it’s culturally normalised. It’s not a sign of prosperity as such as it would be here. Many buy and sell property if they can to get the amount up.

secondly-
shes been supported. Just calmly explain about the money that it’s needed.

Offer again about UC, then just step back a bit.

A number of our family members have now returned, only a few in their early 20s stayed. It’s hard. Sounds like your guest May if possible.

I am not surprised that these situations don't work out. You wanted to do a generous thing @CookieDoughKid and now you're tired and realising the cost is too high to your own family and there's no end date to this.

I think you should ''honour'' the half back that has been promised, but pick a date from which things have changed and then keep the money from that date on.

10,000 is not much in terms of rebuilding a life. I can see why they are guarding it so closely. It could be the difference between getting back on their feet, being the lucky ones who survive this war, or just managing from now on and nothing better.

Surely that payment from the government is to help with additional costs? You can’t complain on one hand she doesn’t help with sundries and then want to give money back to her?
she sounds to me like she is desperate to get back home and to her husband- if she starts building a life here, job home etc she is acknowledging she might be here for quite some time which must be a very tough realisation to come to

Just keep all of the money from the government that's meant to cover costs and actually use it for that. I also feel sorry for your children, guessing even if they did have a choice in having strangers living with them they probably didn't have as much foresight into what it would be like. Must be horrible to feel uncomfortable in your own home and to not get on with the teen is a bit odd. I'd prioritise them over 2 people who do have a safety net of savings. Just because people have had to leave they can still be cheeky fucks.

Keep the £350 for yourself and accept the using of your washing powder etc as it will be a lot less than £150 a month.
Start preparing her now that she needs to move on after her initial 6 months and talk about what that might look like.
Maybe she will be able to afford to rent and not work, maybe not. Can you find support on this from any refugee charities or groups?
Hosting people for 6 months is a very kind and generous thing to do OP and I'm sure it's far from easy.

She's got $10,000 in savings? In that case she can bloody well find herself somewhere else to live.

10 000 dollars would cover a deposit and six months rent ? In the context of losing everything and seeing your home destroyed it is nothing. Good to here all the tales of the 'good' refugees . She probably needs some really tailored mental support in getting into work after so long while worrying about her daughter in this new world far from her husband.

Op maybe you need to have an open chat with her about expectations around working and see if you can link her up with refugee support groups who may be able to give her some specific tailored help.

Being realistic yes she needs to find work but I think its understandable she is struggling given how new everything is.

She has made it clear she doesn’t want to waste money on rent despite having money, won’t work (and yes, she has a responsibility to herself and her family to work) and wants to stay with OP for best part of a year?!

So yeah, I think maybe a sit down with her to say her expectations or both money, retaining savings and not working and staying there paying nothing for a year, are unreasonable.

@Dontwanttoberudeorwastetime
your user name is ill chosen

Absolutely this! While I feel for your uncomfortable situation, what did you think it would be like? It's not like having a friend from the same background to stay; Ukraine is still relatively newly post-communist, with a very different mindset (MIL and SIL are Ukrainian) and huge differences within, similar to any large country.

This is nothing to do with an ill-thought out government scheme - people in other countries are taking in refugees and helping them without any government intervention; they are just openings their doors. The only reason our government had to become involved was the distance and logistics of getting refugees here, and trying to ensure they actually had somewhere to stay to escape the HORROR of their home situation.

Whether they have savings or not is irrelevant; do you think wealthy Afghans or Syrians or any other should have to pay for their own accommodation too? We have migrants working here on low wages receiving housing and other benefits, while supporting families at home and often owning properties in their home country - do you think they should not be entitled to support here because they have assets at home (FWiW, that's the way I feel).

This is a hopefully short-term scheme to keep some vulnerable people safe until they can return home, which the vast majority seem desperate to do.

We demanded the government helped these people as most other European nations were doing far more, but unless we want to create more refugee centres in hotels etc, I really don't see how we can fill that demand unless people open their homes and basically make the best of an awful situation.

she mentioned she wanted help in applying for UC housing benefit in the future which does not sit well with me knowing she is supported by her husband, has savings and is choosy with jobs?

It's does not matter if it does not sit well with you. That's not your place. As long as she's honest with UC it's down to them to decide if she's entitled to it. Also the fact she said housing benefit as well surely she must be thinking about moving out ?

Getting a job would be great. But its probably not that simple. English is not her first language. She's Been through hell and probably still is mentally and emotionally.

I knew this would happen sadly.people would rush to have victims of war then realise the same people have completely different values and culture and wouldn't necessarily be grateful or even have a relatable personality. I think it only works if you have a completely separate flat or annexe they can Iive in so everyone can get on with their own life.

I feel so sorry for you & your Dc but also feel for her & her Dd; however I think the fact her dd doesn't like your children and is soon going to be revising & sitting exams it's probably for the best they find their own home ASAP. The stress of exams will probably be the start of arguments amongst the Dc and as horrible as the whole situation is, it's unfair on your own children and they are your priority not your guest & her child. They have the funds to move out so make it sooner rather than later.
Don't allow the war in Ukraine to disrupt your children's future.

I agree with the above. I know you’ve done a kind thing, OP, but what I pick up from your post is judgement about this woman. Shes a SAHM - so what? She should be out working? You said her husband was working and supporting her, so why? It’s not a moral failing for women to stay home, and it’s far from easy to find a job in a foreign country having just fled a war. Maybe she’s stressed? Maybe she wants to be at home for her child? Maybe she’s afraid?

If you don’t want her to stay longer than the 6 months, that’s fair enough, but give her plenty of warning and help her sort moving out. As for the washing powder, I assumed that was covered by your £350.

OP I don’t think you are being taken for a ride and I think it’s just frustration coming out when you say that.

Some of the replies here are quite harsh and I imagine many of the posters who sit in judgment haven’t opened their own homes.
@StepAwayFromGoogling and @Dontwanttoberudeorwastetime , if you have taken someone in and are in a similar situation then by all means judge but until you have then maybe be a little more circumspect.

There is no doubt that the refugees are in a horrendous situation but they can’t survive by relying on the kindness of others forever. At some point, if they are going to stay here a while, they do need to push for independence. If the job they can do at this moment is a more minimum wage type job then unfortunately that’s what they will have to do until such time as they can move on to something else. It’s not about expecting them to scrub floors but it is about them understanding that most host arrangements won’t last past 6 months so they are well advised to make themselves as independent as they can. It is really , really tough and there for the grace of god…..

OP if you have pledged the money then give it, it would be very very wrong not to. I’m in Ireland where we get no money (soon to change) If this is to be backdated then I will hand half to our guest to aid her becoming independent.

Our guest is 24 and I’ve arranged a couple of jobs for her but she doesn’t want them as she wants to earn more than minimum wage. Unfortunately her level of English and her experience won’t allow for this. Sometimes I feel frustrated and then sometimes I look at her and think 2 years of pandemic and now the war, her youth and life are being stolen from her and I feel great sympathy and sadness. But ultimately the best thing for her is to start making a life, as unfortunately this war is not ending quickly

It would be better for them to find accommodation before school restarts. Offer to help her do so. It sounds like it is time to reclaim your hime, for you and your dc. I suspect if pp came home from work to put a wash on and found no washing powder, no milk in fridge etc it would grate too. I wonder what expectations the refugees were led to have? Do you have any host/guest support groups who can help advise or mediate(council may run one)? When does the hosting grant finish?

Everything is mismatched

You expect gratitude for everything you’ve given
Refugee is grieving everything they’ve lost

You think it’s about time she starts taking steps to build her new life
Refugee wakes up every day hoping for news that war is over so everything can go back to the way it was

You want to see a gesture of goodwill
Refugee doesn’t understand that dishwasher tablets and toilet paper are the secret code for saying thank you in English

You come from a culture where women are seen as successful for building a career and contributing to the household
Refugee followed her expected path as a homemaker and was successful at it, but without a home she has nothing to show for it

You had hoped this program would enrich your childrens lives, making them better people and showing them their privilege, like
a 2022 sequel to the blind side
Refugee’s kid is a teenager and teenagers are grumpy. Apart from there aren’t any teen angst pop songs about being uprooted due to war.

I don’t judge you for struggling or even asking her to leave if you have to. But there’s a lot of naivety when it comes to good deeds. People do them and expect to feel good. This is a good deed that doesn’t feel good. Would be worthwhile to think about that before volunteering for things in the future, and about your motives for doing good in the first place.

@Shehasadiamondinthesky I think you are not wrong here. Even the most compatible families I know are showing strain after 4 months

@Trafficlight127 Maybe you are right, lots of us did go into this with rose tinted glasses. We should probably have been more cool headed like all those who are not telling us what a big mistake we made

and @Dontwanttoberudeorwastetime , if you have taken someone in and are in a similar situation then by all means judge but until you have then maybe be a little more circumspect

I would say the same. Have you fled from a war torn country with just your daughter and a bag of clothes? Have you left your husband and wider family and friends behind not knowing if you’re ever going to see them again? Have you had to support your child who doesn’t know if their dad is going to be shot tomorrow? Have you had to live with strangers who expect you to be straightened out, working and paying your way within two months of your arrival?
then by all means judge but until you have then maybe be a little more circumspect.

This is why I thought twice about volunteering. Al I hear on here are horror stories.
You've been a soft touch though giving half of your money back to them. No wonder she doesn't want to move. She won't ever move!