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Original poster

Ukrainian guest …I’m not feeling comfortable

542 replies

CookieDoughKid · 30/07/2022 00:47

I’ve been hosting a Ukrainian mother and 15yo daughter since beginning of May. We get on ok although we live very different lives even before the war. She’s a SAhM and I’m a working mum full time. It’s been difficult for her to adjust because her husband used to do everything, such as banking, booking train tickets, appointments. It’s been a real learning curve having to stand on her own feet here. Fortunately she can speak some English so over time, I have been able to take a step back from supporting her on how to live in England. her dd will be taking GCSE exams next summer term.

My kids and her dd don’t like each other and don’t get on. The mother is a bit work shy in that she is very choosy about jobs being offered to her by the job agency. She does a week here or there. Nothing permanent or full time. She is not claiming UC after it was made apparent she would have to look for work or go back to work full time. Her husband is supporting her financially. I broached the subject of long term accommodation and the challenges of finding rent. I was surprised to learn they have 10000 USD saved, husband has a good job in software in Ukraine. They are prepared to rent but would rather not as they don’t want to ‘waste their money’. I know they’d rather go back home if the war was over.

I had pledged at the start to give them half of the £350 thank you money from Gov to be used as a deposit for their rent when they move on. That’s £150 a month I would give to them for the 12 months commitment. I keep £150. I know I don’t have to do it but I wanted them to feel like they have some longevity here without too much hardship. That was prior to me learning about their savings. With everything going on at home, me working full time, my two teens…I’m finding it all a bit much. The mother is lovely but so talkative and she’s always there. Sand my day is incredibly busy, I travel for work, I have my own children to look after.

what gripes me is that she also doesn’t pay a single thing or offer when I’ve said from the start she needs to sort it herself I’m talking about washing powder and sundries….she does pay her own food. I’m starting to resent the fact that she never offers to pay for dishwasher tablets, stationery paper, toilet roll, cling film, aluminium foil, washing powder, cleaning goods, kitchen napkins etc… It all adds up.

Come October, it will have been 6 months of me hosting. Would I be unreasonable to ask her to plan on moving out …I think I can tolerate them living with me to Jan 2023 (that would be 9 months in total) but she’s mentioned she wants to stay with me till next June so that her dd can sit her exams without interruption.

Should I ask for a household contribution? And what about the £150 a month I pledged? It’s not that I can’t afford it, I can but I feel I’m being taken for a ride.

she mentioned she wanted help in applying for UC housing benefit in the future which does not sit well with me knowing she is supported by her husband, has savings and is choosy with jobs?

fwiw, we both try very hard to get on. She’s helpful sith cleaning and so am I, and we have a good rhythm in sharing the kitchen etc. we don’t argue and we haven’t had any major spats.

it’s just that I am finding it hard to live with someone who is so different in outlook to me and living with us full stop. My dad was a refugee, he held down 3 jobs 7 days a week for a while and that work ethic is very strong in me (I don’t rely on my husband financially and never have but that’s my choice). I know if I was to live with someone not out of choice I would work really hard, and try to move out as soon as possible!

would like your perspective on this. I feel really guilty even thinking about asking her to move out but also, I feel they would have had 8 or 9 months free living so..isn’t that generous in itself?

OP posts:
Dannexe · 25/09/2022 10:56

potteree · 25/09/2022 09:23

I've been hosting a Ukrainian family (Mother, granny plus baby) and feel that they have been quite deceitful and treated their time in UK as a bit of a holiday. They come from the West and both have homes and husbands who are working back in the Ukraine. The Granny was supposed to be working and refused to take a job, she now has UC and a number of cash in hand cleaning jobs.

It has become really awkward and they are not at all integrated into our home. They stockpile food in their bedrooms and baby toys in their sitting room and their hygiene in the kitchen is not good. The fridge is full of their food and they do little to help around the house despite me having a full time job.

They both receive Universal credit and do not pay anything to the running of the house so only have food and baby stuff to pay out of this. The locals all run around giving them lifts to places because they say that they cannot afford public transport.

I have not extended the welcome to the Granny beyond 3 months, because she makes no effort at all to integrate and we have no relationship with her at all. The Mother then asked if I would host the Father instead and because I said no, they are all returning to the Ukraine.

The Mother says that she is going to return to the Ukraine for a holiday until her Husband is able to leave the country and then wants me to sponsor him and house the two of them until they can rent a flat together and work and live in UK.

Would you feel guilty about saying no to this? I feel that they have taken advantage of the UK's generosity and are taking suitcases full of new clothes and presents and sterling back to the UK. They don't come from a town that has been bombed and have family living in the countryside who are in safety. Am I being harsh?

I would let them know that the hosting arrangement is coming to an end. We had an email through this week from the council wanting to know our intentions beyond six months.

StellaAndCrow · 25/09/2022 16:57

I think the government are responsible for current concerns. They basically pushed the problem on six months down the line, but didn't make any plans for when that six months was up.

So people signed up for six months, have provided the six months, and now there is no exit plan. This is the government's responsibility, not the hosts' or the guests'.

Original poster
CookieDoughKid · 27/09/2022 09:15

@potteree No I would not feel guilty about anything, you've done so much already. I think though, you do need to present a clear plan or 'off-ramp' for your guests and give them a notice period. Have you had any more discussions with your family since posting?

OP posts:
Original poster
CookieDoughKid · 27/09/2022 09:21

@Charlieiscool Yes I have an update. I've had a serious talk with my Ukrainian guest (the mother) about how important it is to build a credit history and show employment when she comes to rent in the future. The penny has dropped and she has since found a job doing waitressing and food prep at a fancy hotel nearby. I'm very pleased for her and it also means she is out of the house 4 days a week working. Now that she is financially contributing £100 a month and I'm also getting the £350 a month, which means the £450 a month makes things a little more palatable. With my energy bills going up, and we have all settled into a rhythm, we've negotiated a stay till end of March. I think that's ok by all of us. My teens though not terribly happy are getting used to it. Luckily I have a big house thus my children and her daughter don't have to see each other all day if they don't want to. In all, it's got better now that we are all clear on an exit plan.

The challenge will be finding accommodation and I've pressed very hard - it's on them to find it - not me!

OP posts:
2bazookas · 27/09/2022 10:34

You tell her straight that in UK, living costs YOU pay are rising fast ( heat, light, all the extras you listed that she takes for nothing) and you just cannot afford to continue hosting her. You have to put your own family first and they need more space and peace.

So it's time, right now, for her to stand on her own feet and make alternative arrangements. They can rent, her daughter can still attend the same school. She needs to be gone in January.

I would not even discuss allowing her to pay rent to you, because sharing the home is not working out for you or your kids.

TBH she's been taking advantage quite long enough. They have private means and her husband must support them.

urgen · 27/09/2022 10:45

These arent great stories. What happens if you ask them to leave and they refuse or the council say they dont have anything for them?

Cosmos123 · 27/09/2022 10:52

CookieDoughKid · 30/07/2022 00:47

I’ve been hosting a Ukrainian mother and 15yo daughter since beginning of May. We get on ok although we live very different lives even before the war. She’s a SAhM and I’m a working mum full time. It’s been difficult for her to adjust because her husband used to do everything, such as banking, booking train tickets, appointments. It’s been a real learning curve having to stand on her own feet here. Fortunately she can speak some English so over time, I have been able to take a step back from supporting her on how to live in England. her dd will be taking GCSE exams next summer term.

My kids and her dd don’t like each other and don’t get on. The mother is a bit work shy in that she is very choosy about jobs being offered to her by the job agency. She does a week here or there. Nothing permanent or full time. She is not claiming UC after it was made apparent she would have to look for work or go back to work full time. Her husband is supporting her financially. I broached the subject of long term accommodation and the challenges of finding rent. I was surprised to learn they have 10000 USD saved, husband has a good job in software in Ukraine. They are prepared to rent but would rather not as they don’t want to ‘waste their money’. I know they’d rather go back home if the war was over.

I had pledged at the start to give them half of the £350 thank you money from Gov to be used as a deposit for their rent when they move on. That’s £150 a month I would give to them for the 12 months commitment. I keep £150. I know I don’t have to do it but I wanted them to feel like they have some longevity here without too much hardship. That was prior to me learning about their savings. With everything going on at home, me working full time, my two teens…I’m finding it all a bit much. The mother is lovely but so talkative and she’s always there. Sand my day is incredibly busy, I travel for work, I have my own children to look after.

what gripes me is that she also doesn’t pay a single thing or offer when I’ve said from the start she needs to sort it herself I’m talking about washing powder and sundries….she does pay her own food. I’m starting to resent the fact that she never offers to pay for dishwasher tablets, stationery paper, toilet roll, cling film, aluminium foil, washing powder, cleaning goods, kitchen napkins etc… It all adds up.

Come October, it will have been 6 months of me hosting. Would I be unreasonable to ask her to plan on moving out …I think I can tolerate them living with me to Jan 2023 (that would be 9 months in total) but she’s mentioned she wants to stay with me till next June so that her dd can sit her exams without interruption.

Should I ask for a household contribution? And what about the £150 a month I pledged? It’s not that I can’t afford it, I can but I feel I’m being taken for a ride.

she mentioned she wanted help in applying for UC housing benefit in the future which does not sit well with me knowing she is supported by her husband, has savings and is choosy with jobs?

fwiw, we both try very hard to get on. She’s helpful sith cleaning and so am I, and we have a good rhythm in sharing the kitchen etc. we don’t argue and we haven’t had any major spats.

it’s just that I am finding it hard to live with someone who is so different in outlook to me and living with us full stop. My dad was a refugee, he held down 3 jobs 7 days a week for a while and that work ethic is very strong in me (I don’t rely on my husband financially and never have but that’s my choice). I know if I was to live with someone not out of choice I would work really hard, and try to move out as soon as possible!

would like your perspective on this. I feel really guilty even thinking about asking her to move out but also, I feel they would have had 8 or 9 months free living so..isn’t that generous in itself?

The £350 from the government is peanuts and dies not cover the cost of housing 2 people in the home which includes feeding and heating etc.

You have assumed they were without any funds.

Now you are aware dint let them take the piss.
Tell them now you would like to find alternative accommodation and do not pledge the £150.

Your children and your mental health should come first.

You have done enough.

Say Goodbye.

Cosmos123 · 27/09/2022 10:55

GladysAilwood · 11/08/2022 08:32

I also have a work-shy Ukrainian guest. Father sends diamonds through the post and is considered Ukrainian royalty I gather. Despite this cheery background she claims UC but has apparently got a bad bad from an old injury so can’t do any manual menial physical work. Her English is not good but she thinks it is only a matter of time before she lands a good job. In Ukraine father picks up the phone and would get me a job apparently.

She talks non-stop lurching from one topic to another. She rarely gives me an opportunity to speak a sentence and I’m not sure she listens carefully when I do speak. Her English would improve rapidly if she listened more as she is very bright.

Her English would also improve if she sat down and had meals with us - she and her Ukrainian friends have settled into our outdoor eating area - if we come out with our food they scuttle off. Their way is to leave food offerings for us in the kitchen, which is sweet, but they won’t accept anything we cook. We now sit in the sitting room and eat on our laps as any interaction over food is just too awkward. Her child is allowed to eat food on the floor in their ground floor annex room - they live in absolute squalor and now we have a mouse problem to deal with.

She is not interested in English culture other than getting what she can out of the system. Christmas will be impossible as they celebrate on 7 January. I am now convinced she won’t bend that and celebrate with us on 25th as well, but will unwittingly sabotage our Christmas by frying her usual food when the rest of us with friends and family are sitting down in our open-plan kitchen diner celebrating.

So for all these reasons I’m calling it quits before Christmas - believe it or not she has gone back to southern Ukraine to go to the dentist and attend a manicure course, leaving the child here with the two ‘aunties’ and their teenage daughters who are now all popping in and out from their two other guest homes in our village every day - I have let her know I want her out before Christmas which is in line with the six month obligation.

The £350 payments started very late in the day. I’ve only had one so far. Our guest must be getting £600+. I think she has money to rent - could sell a diamond maybe - so I am not unduly concerned for her.

Say goodbye and reclaim your home.

Cosmos123 · 27/09/2022 10:57

CookieDoughKid · 27/09/2022 09:21

@Charlieiscool Yes I have an update. I've had a serious talk with my Ukrainian guest (the mother) about how important it is to build a credit history and show employment when she comes to rent in the future. The penny has dropped and she has since found a job doing waitressing and food prep at a fancy hotel nearby. I'm very pleased for her and it also means she is out of the house 4 days a week working. Now that she is financially contributing £100 a month and I'm also getting the £350 a month, which means the £450 a month makes things a little more palatable. With my energy bills going up, and we have all settled into a rhythm, we've negotiated a stay till end of March. I think that's ok by all of us. My teens though not terribly happy are getting used to it. Luckily I have a big house thus my children and her daughter don't have to see each other all day if they don't want to. In all, it's got better now that we are all clear on an exit plan.

The challenge will be finding accommodation and I've pressed very hard - it's on them to find it - not me!

Why are you not putting your kids first.
They are unhappy in their own home yet you are letting g the guests stay till march?

GonnaGetGoingReturns · 27/09/2022 11:32

I would never have hosted an Ukrainian family myself and I don't know anyone personally who's done so.

However I stayed with my aunt who has a close friend/employer who's hosting a mother and daughter from Ukraine in her big house in countryside. The mother is working (can't recall if it's for the person hosting them) and the daughter is a teenager who's been given a place at a local private school which she attends. I don't think they're wealthy by any stretch but can't be sure, I also think they're not taking advantage of their host. It is an issue as to what they'd do if the host couldn't/wouldn't want to do it anymore, does she disrupt the daughter's education?

CalmdownCampers · 27/09/2022 11:33

I would ask her to leave, and no I would not be giving her any cash, in these circumstances

Rosehugger · 27/09/2022 11:59

You've done a lovely thing in opening your home, OP and have clearly been invaluably helpful to the mum in particular. However YWNBU to discuss a deadline for their moving out now.

Canoewoman · 27/09/2022 12:10

So what happens if they refuse to leave? You will be stuck with them.
There are stories of families refusing to leave because there is simply nowhere to go!

LuckyLil · 27/09/2022 12:22

Canoewoman · 27/09/2022 12:10

So what happens if they refuse to leave? You will be stuck with them.
There are stories of families refusing to leave because there is simply nowhere to go!

Can you provide some evidence of a few of these stories?

Puzzledandpissedoff · 27/09/2022 12:49

I think the government are responsible for current concerns. They basically pushed the problem on six months down the line, but didn't make any plans for when that six months was up

Unfortunately this is exactly what the government do; they want the glory of being seen to "do something", and better still if this involves the pieces being picked up by others

I don't imagine councils will welcome the responsibility of housing everyone, so expect a LOT of pressure on hosts to carry on ... and on ... and on ... with vague promises of action until hell freezes over

Luckily the option to evict guests still exists for now, and no doubt it'll come down to hosts having to use it - a sad situation, but one which was entirely predictable

Heatherland77 · 02/11/2022 15:50

I've hosted a lady from Ukraine since June and she is lovely and very respectful but she sleeps A LOT! I've had to creep around in my own house for five months in case I disturb her. When she'd been with me for 4 months, I asked her about her future plans and made my expectations clear that she would need to work or study English full time with two days off. It turned out that she isn't that committed to making a life for herself in the UK and prefers to wander in life. I guessed that from her CV when we did the UC application. I've asked her to leave in December and she is comfortable with this and is likely to go to Poland where her older sister is. I get the impression her sister encouraged her to try the UK just to get her out of her hair for a bit!
Hosting has taught me not to judge too much, to be clear on expectations and stay true to yourself so your boundaries stay healthy. Am economic refugee is still a refugee but these people will eventually have to regain their independence and have a plan. Life happens to everyone and you never know what's next.

antelopevalley · 02/11/2022 15:56

If people are not economic migrants, then they will have come to the UK with the hope they could soon return. The war is going on far longer than initially envisioned so making some kind of life becomes necessary.
But if I had to settle abroad because of a war I can see why I would not get a job because I would be hoping to go back home very soon.

Greenqueen40 · 02/11/2022 16:39

Why aren't you putting your own children first?

Original poster
CookieDoughKid · 02/11/2022 17:22

I am putting my children at first. They have everything, security and a warm home. My guest's husband back in Kiev now is cooking from portable gas stove as there is no longer central gas supplies. Electricity is on ration and they don't have electricity on at night. Things are a lot worse now in Ukraine, not to mention costs going up there. My guests have just returned from a week holiday in Kiev. They wanted to see the father and husband whilst still possible . There is a lot more bombing now. They told me they didn't feel safe and have strengthened their resolve to make a temporary lifein England . My guests only have a few more months with me. Whilst it is inconvenient for me, it's not a patch on them. Feel really sorry for their situation with no idea when they can reunited.

OP posts:
Original poster
CookieDoughKid · 02/11/2022 17:23

BTW I think power supplies is stabilising but its a bit rocky our there in Ukraine!!

OP posts:
Rosenotred · 02/11/2022 17:31

There's been a few of these threads lately what you have wrote is exactly why I would not ever do it plus the GOV shouldn't have let people do it without a plan in place!

The savings part isn't your priority OP. Sit down with the lady and help her apply for UC give her a date that she needs to be out of your home! Don't ask... tell her!

Rosenotred · 02/11/2022 17:34

antelopevalley · 02/11/2022 15:56

If people are not economic migrants, then they will have come to the UK with the hope they could soon return. The war is going on far longer than initially envisioned so making some kind of life becomes necessary.
But if I had to settle abroad because of a war I can see why I would not get a job because I would be hoping to go back home very soon.

It was obvious that the Ukrainians wouldn't be here just short term I have heard others say similar. What about the whole repairs of the Country where exactly would they be going back to? What home?

Denito666 · 02/11/2022 20:28

I notified my council that my guests had gone at the 6 month mark and had a phone call in response to the email I sent. They'd asked how it'd gone (never ever want to repeat the experience) and then they had the cheek to say, "Well we're sorry you had a bad experience but now that you have a spare room would you like someone else as we have many people who have come to the end of their 6 month placement or have had to unexpectedly leave their sponsors...". Abso-f**king-lutely not 😂. I'm guessing for the majority there's a good reason why the original host didn't keep them on.

OldFan · 05/11/2022 00:39

@Denito666 Sorry to hear that. What was your experience with them?

Hazeleyez · 05/11/2022 01:19

You're a kind person first and foremost.
Secondly, yes you're being taken for a ride, whether or not your guest intends it.
You need to regain control.

Tell her that the contribution is off the table, you can't afford it (white lie, but needs must).

Then tell her that you've hosted her for 6 months and will do so until January, but she has to move out. You need your space back for you and your family and the arrangement isn't doing your family any good. You need to put your own child first and it is clear from your post that your own child isn't happy.

Your guest isn't on the poverty line and can easily afford to rent somewhere themselves. Sleep well in this knowledge.

Give her the notice but tell her that the first week of January she must be gone.

If you have to lie to get her out, do so. "My niece and her husband are coming from Australia for a month to stay with us". Whatever it takes. Reclaim your life and your home.

You have done more than most. Your post shows you're a good and consciencious person.