Ukrainian guest …I’m not feeling comfortable

[CookieDoughKid]

I’ve been hosting a Ukrainian mother and 15yo daughter since beginning of May. We get on ok although we live very different lives even before the war. She’s a SAhM and I’m a working mum full time. It’s been difficult for her to adjust because her husband used to do everything, such as banking, booking train tickets, appointments. It’s been a real learning curve having to stand on her own feet here. Fortunately she can speak some English so over time, I have been able to take a step back from supporting her on how to live in England. her dd will be taking GCSE exams next summer term.

My kids and her dd don’t like each other and don’t get on. The mother is a bit work shy in that she is very choosy about jobs being offered to her by the job agency. She does a week here or there. Nothing permanent or full time. She is not claiming UC after it was made apparent she would have to look for work or go back to work full time. Her husband is supporting her financially. I broached the subject of long term accommodation and the challenges of finding rent. I was surprised to learn they have 10000 USD saved, husband has a good job in software in Ukraine. They are prepared to rent but would rather not as they don’t want to ‘waste their money’. I know they’d rather go back home if the war was over.

I had pledged at the start to give them half of the £350 thank you money from Gov to be used as a deposit for their rent when they move on. That’s £150 a month I would give to them for the 12 months commitment. I keep £150. I know I don’t have to do it but I wanted them to feel like they have some longevity here without too much hardship. That was prior to me learning about their savings. With everything going on at home, me working full time, my two teens…I’m finding it all a bit much. The mother is lovely but so talkative and she’s always there. Sand my day is incredibly busy, I travel for work, I have my own children to look after.

what gripes me is that she also doesn’t pay a single thing or offer when I’ve said from the start she needs to sort it herself I’m talking about washing powder and sundries….she does pay her own food. I’m starting to resent the fact that she never offers to pay for dishwasher tablets, stationery paper, toilet roll, cling film, aluminium foil, washing powder, cleaning goods, kitchen napkins etc… It all adds up.

Come October, it will have been 6 months of me hosting. Would I be unreasonable to ask her to plan on moving out …I think I can tolerate them living with me to Jan 2023 (that would be 9 months in total) but she’s mentioned she wants to stay with me till next June so that her dd can sit her exams without interruption.

Should I ask for a household contribution? And what about the £150 a month I pledged? It’s not that I can’t afford it, I can but I feel I’m being taken for a ride.

she mentioned she wanted help in applying for UC housing benefit in the future which does not sit well with me knowing she is supported by her husband, has savings and is choosy with jobs?

fwiw, we both try very hard to get on. She’s helpful sith cleaning and so am I, and we have a good rhythm in sharing the kitchen etc. we don’t argue and we haven’t had any major spats.

it’s just that I am finding it hard to live with someone who is so different in outlook to me and living with us full stop. My dad was a refugee, he held down 3 jobs 7 days a week for a while and that work ethic is very strong in me (I don’t rely on my husband financially and never have but that’s my choice). I know if I was to live with someone not out of choice I would work really hard, and try to move out as soon as possible!

would like your perspective on this. I feel really guilty even thinking about asking her to move out but also, I feel they would have had 8 or 9 months free living so..isn’t that generous in itself?

Plus they're having to learn a language under extreme uncertainty about their futures (= extreme stress) and whatever they've witnessed before leaving or during that journey (= extreme stress).

In comparison, British oil expats and spouses almost never learn the language of the country they're living in, and if they do, not to any great extent. Why? One reason is they know they're only going to be there 4 years (on average).

They also don't integrate. Because they're not planning on living there.

And yet refugees who have extreme stress caused by no certainty and a war going on back home are expected to settle in in a few months.

As a former expat, not experiencing war back home, I can say it takes approximately a year to feel at home in most countries. Sometimes a bit less but rarely less than 6 months. And that's with an international living company bringing our possessions over, a family kept together and at least one of the partners in a well paid job from day one.

I think the OP is doing amazingly, I think the Ukrainian family is doing the best they can too. But the IMMENSE challenges of moving countries, cultures and languages has simply been ignored by the government, never mind all the additional things related to being an actual refugee.

@CookieDoughKid she is taking advantage of you.

@waterrat My grandmother grew up in a country under a dictator. Her family business was taken from her in the name of communism (Mao China). She watched her grandma and siblings literally die of starvation and illness. She saw people executed. She came to England in the 60s and worked super hard despite having nothing. No savings. She raised her children single handedly because her husband (who she married in England) was useless and abusive.

This woman staying with OP has £10k in savings and a husband with a decent job. She can afford to find her own place. Many British citizens don’t have these kind of savings! She probably speaks English and the culture isn’t that different because Ukraine is white European. Think about all the Asian countries that have zero support. Many come over here with zero savings, traumatised and experience culture shock and language barriers (like my grandmother). What do these people do? Get on with it… but experience disgusting racism because they’re not white European.

OP needs to put her own dc first.

It's a completely unfamiliar situation for both parties, one for which there were no established groundrules. That being the case, it would be completely fine to sit down with here and say that, six months on, it is time to review how things are going and reshape the relationship a bit.
I think that you should stop giving her part of the allowance that you receive and say that you will support her in finding somewhere new at nine months.

@daretodenim what do you think the Government should be doing to overcome the immense challenges of moving countries, cultures and languages?

I'm confused about what the £350 a month is for and why OP would still be receiving it after her hosts have moved out?

I think YABU

It was never going to be easy, I didn't enjoy house sharing as a student let alone as working mother as you are.

The £10k they have could be the entirity of the families savings. Their home could be shelled and gone tomorrow as could her DH. Ignore the £10k and support from her DH, be happy that they have this.

She wants to stay until next june as she expected to give her DD some stability in education after a horrendous time, hardly something to critise a mother for.
You chose to give her half the money.

Whilst she needs to be try to be more open minded about work, she is likely depressed, anxious and carrying huge trauma, what has happened is terrrible, the pace at which it has happened is nuts. She may be hiding this mental anguish well, but it will be there.

Sorry posted too soon: extreme stress makes it nigh on impossible to properly learn anything or make good decisions.

Moving house is stressful - finding a place to live is stressful! But to have to do that in a place where you don't understand how things work and you don't properly speak the language is really extremely stressful.

I do think they need to move out OP and agree that this is better done well before mocks - or just after.

But can you help her find a place? And like someone said can you have them over for dinner - somehow keep in touch with them? If so, it may be worth explaining that you don't want rid of them, your family just needs it's space back. If she has some security in there it may help the whole process. However, only offer that if you can. There's actually no obligation in you to offer anything else.

Reserve all of your judgement, you're different people and she is not your father but let her know ASAP that the arrangement will be terminated at the 6 month point. That is plenty of time for her daughter to adjust. If you let it carry, you may end up wanting them out much nearer her exam dates. I would let her have half the money now you've offered it. You shouldn't have made that offer based on the assumption that she was broke. However, if you want some contribution from that then request a set amount per month or week.

I think you are causing some of these issues yourself!

You are entitled to £350 a month but you pledged to give her some then moan she doesn't contribute. This money is for your extra costs!

I also think you are underestimating what they have been through.

But if you are unhappy you should ask them to leave, give them some time and any help they need.

I think now it's entirely too late for them to address that.

However, before setting up this ridiculous scheme (which was basically "Take some refugees - oh and here's £350") they could have gotten some proper advice and provided far more advice and support to both the hosts and the guests basted on the inevitable issues that would come up.

I’m shocked by the number of people who think a woman who has fled from her war torn country, with her child, should part with her life savings to pay for dishwasher tablets, despite the fact the government are giving her host £350 per month to cover such costs.
We have no business offering to host refugees when culturally we are so selfish and inhospitable.

I think you were so kiind t

I think you weee so kind to do this

@stopthepain well said

@Dontwanttoberudeorwastetime what utter rubbish, the OP has bent over backwards to accommodate this woman and her child but hey if you think you can do a better job why don't you take them in ???

Such a good post ,it's spot on.

you need to speak to her and say you were not aware of her circumstances (savings). Then tell her that you are entitled to the £350 from the government and will not be shamed into keeping it. This is similar to when DWP remove certain benefits after they find out about savings and hidden monies.
I personally would never put a refugee before my kids, I just couldn’t do it. I would ask her to move out sooner she can rent out near her school or even use public transport. Her reason for overstaying is not good enough. Don’t be a mug and let anyone take you for a ride.
Mumsnetters are quick to write politically correct posts but would never follow their own advice 😂

It seems like you take real issue with her being a SAHM. She hasn’t worked, she isn’t from the UK, she has limited English and you expect her to leave her daughter completely unsupported in a foreign country, in a strangers house so she can work 3 jobs to fulfil your idea of how a refugee should behave based on your father.
The 350 was towards your costs, you chose to offer to give her half for a year and now you want to back track on that because she didn’t get a job in what you consider a reasonable time? Maybe she is hoping to be home in a year.
The agreement was for her to provide her own food which she has done. How much tinfoil and dishwasher tables can an adult and a teen really be doing you out of??

Yabu to want a contribution to dishwasher tablets yet giving away the gov money that would have covered these types of things.

Yanbu to help her find accommodation elsewhere if it isn't working for you.

A difficult situation - I put my name down to host someone from Ukraine but nothing has come of it - I finished up having surgery and did not press the offer.

OP, I think that your discomfort is very understandable - having someone living en famille is stressful at the best of times, but these are people who have undergone the trauma of an invasions.

I too do not think you should have offered half the money, as the whole point of this is to cover your expenses of every kind. And now you are in a pickle as you feel resentful about these costs. But I do not see how you can retract on that now.

I can see why this lady is not wild about investing her savings in getting fully settled here as in her heart is at home and hopes to be back there.

I do think that an honest discussion needs to be had with nothing off the table .... resentments will grow if you do not clear the air. And you need to be clear that you cannot assist her with any benefits applications for money to which she is not entitled.

You have done something very generous in taking these people in - I am sorry it is proving problematical. But I think this was inevitable as no proper support and back-up was involved in this scheme, which was very short-sighted on the government's part. There are usually relevant Ukranian refugee voluntary organisations around - there certainly is in my area, which is very rural, so I guess they must be available in other places. Try facebook.

It’s been two months! Two months since this woman fled her country and had to leave her husband behind. Two months since she said good bye to everyone she knows, other than her daughter, not knowing if she’ll ever see them again.
OP wants her on the factory floor earning her keep and massaging her ego for being so generous.
It’s sickening.

This 👆🏻

I would think about the long term impact on your kids.

Why don’t they get on?

As horrible as their situation is, and their reasons for leaving are, you are being taken for a ride IMO.

Yes, it’s called fraud. 🙄

It’s not sickening at all.
Offering a safe place to live as she has done is a very generous gesture indeed.

Have a word with yourself.
seriously.

YANBU to help her find them somewhere else to stay.

YABU to withdraw the £150 now you’ve promised it. I couldn’t take this away. $10k won’t go far to restart life will it…?

HELP her to find a job. Any part-time job. She needs to find some independence and work is a good distraction from all that she is going through.

Isn't this essentially the 'small boats' issue where some arrivals have lost everything, have suffered great trauma and just want to be safe while others are highly adaptable, capable, have highly transferable skills and are seeking personal advantage?
Equally, some of those keen to host the new arrivals viewed them as a curiosity or status symbol, whereas those like the OP felt empathy for those leaving uncertain and life-threatening conditions.
@CookieDoughKid Don't feel foolish for having done what you felt was the right thing, it was a kind decision which is now having unintended consequences.
Good luck, you have already done more for human beings you didn't know than many reading your post will do in the rest of their lives.