Ukrainian guest …I’m not feeling comfortable

[CookieDoughKid]

I’ve been hosting a Ukrainian mother and 15yo daughter since beginning of May. We get on ok although we live very different lives even before the war. She’s a SAhM and I’m a working mum full time. It’s been difficult for her to adjust because her husband used to do everything, such as banking, booking train tickets, appointments. It’s been a real learning curve having to stand on her own feet here. Fortunately she can speak some English so over time, I have been able to take a step back from supporting her on how to live in England. her dd will be taking GCSE exams next summer term.

My kids and her dd don’t like each other and don’t get on. The mother is a bit work shy in that she is very choosy about jobs being offered to her by the job agency. She does a week here or there. Nothing permanent or full time. She is not claiming UC after it was made apparent she would have to look for work or go back to work full time. Her husband is supporting her financially. I broached the subject of long term accommodation and the challenges of finding rent. I was surprised to learn they have 10000 USD saved, husband has a good job in software in Ukraine. They are prepared to rent but would rather not as they don’t want to ‘waste their money’. I know they’d rather go back home if the war was over.

I had pledged at the start to give them half of the £350 thank you money from Gov to be used as a deposit for their rent when they move on. That’s £150 a month I would give to them for the 12 months commitment. I keep £150. I know I don’t have to do it but I wanted them to feel like they have some longevity here without too much hardship. That was prior to me learning about their savings. With everything going on at home, me working full time, my two teens…I’m finding it all a bit much. The mother is lovely but so talkative and she’s always there. Sand my day is incredibly busy, I travel for work, I have my own children to look after.

what gripes me is that she also doesn’t pay a single thing or offer when I’ve said from the start she needs to sort it herself I’m talking about washing powder and sundries….she does pay her own food. I’m starting to resent the fact that she never offers to pay for dishwasher tablets, stationery paper, toilet roll, cling film, aluminium foil, washing powder, cleaning goods, kitchen napkins etc… It all adds up.

Come October, it will have been 6 months of me hosting. Would I be unreasonable to ask her to plan on moving out …I think I can tolerate them living with me to Jan 2023 (that would be 9 months in total) but she’s mentioned she wants to stay with me till next June so that her dd can sit her exams without interruption.

Should I ask for a household contribution? And what about the £150 a month I pledged? It’s not that I can’t afford it, I can but I feel I’m being taken for a ride.

she mentioned she wanted help in applying for UC housing benefit in the future which does not sit well with me knowing she is supported by her husband, has savings and is choosy with jobs?

fwiw, we both try very hard to get on. She’s helpful sith cleaning and so am I, and we have a good rhythm in sharing the kitchen etc. we don’t argue and we haven’t had any major spats.

it’s just that I am finding it hard to live with someone who is so different in outlook to me and living with us full stop. My dad was a refugee, he held down 3 jobs 7 days a week for a while and that work ethic is very strong in me (I don’t rely on my husband financially and never have but that’s my choice). I know if I was to live with someone not out of choice I would work really hard, and try to move out as soon as possible!

would like your perspective on this. I feel really guilty even thinking about asking her to move out but also, I feel they would have had 8 or 9 months free living so..isn’t that generous in itself?

It’s difficult because I said we would cover the bills with the £350. I did say they would potentially have to contribute if the bills went over the £350.

You have the right to review that at any point.

Don’t sleep walk into something.

No its not difficult.

Its become very apparent that the £350 doesn't cover the bills. So just bloody say that you have miscalculated. You can show them on paper if necessary.

If something isn't working for you, you have every right to say it isn't. Don't be a mug because you have set yourself up for a situation which is untenable.

Hats off to you for doing a very kind thing. I think it's enough to have opened up your home with all the disruption to your family life, I don't think you should have to subsidise them as well. Fair enough for the first few months when they're settling in but it's not sustainable.

My 18 year old son has been looking for summer work and has opened my eyes to temping agencies. One lists all the upcoming jobs on an app and you sign up to the shift you want to work. We're near London which helps but he's been paid up to £14 an hour for events type work. You're not committing to a full time job and can pick your shifts around other commitments. Just in case that type of set up is helpful as a work option.

Unfortunately this is why I wouldn't have done it (amongst other reasons re: child security). These things are nice gestures but you end up getting lumped with people in your house who can (and often will) take the piss.

You aren't a charity. They need to remember that.

Yanbu she's a lazy money grabbing piss taker.

Please can you let me know the name of the app / site for temp work. Would be really helpful.

@lot123 not sure if you get alerted if quoted - would love to know the name of the temp employment app.

Hmm. I think a lot of people go into hosting a Ukrainian with Rose tinted specs, and yet the reality is somewhat different. It's hard having someone in your home and potentially having to adjust things to suit the needs of your guests.
But also remember that it's doubly hard for the Ukrainian people who come here. If truth be told, they don't want to be here obviously. They would rather be back home with their families, also worried about family members left behind. Our culture is different, they have to learn a new language and way of doing things and are living in someone else's home that isn't their own.
Of course some will have savings. Many have had good jobs and lifestyles in Ukraine.

I think some may not want to commit to renting and making a home here, as it makes it a reality that the Ukraine war could go on a long time.

I think this is accurate and is where tension and mismatched expectations are - with hosts hoping they will settle, get work, integrate and become independent whilst the guests are homesick and see this as a temporary situation so not motivated (understandably) to seek work, rent, put down roots as it’s then seen as permanent.

Where this comes to a head is when the 6 months is up and nothing has been done for the next step - which is weeks away for some guests / hosts.

It isn’t six months though is it, it’s a minimum of six months so I suspect most guests were expecting a year.

Hosts need to have the conversation with their guests at least 2 months before they expect them to leave.
Anyones circumstances and indeed their minds can change but these are real people in difficult circumstances so it’s only fair to be upfront.

My situation has changed in that we have secured rental accommodation for our guest and a couple of other Ukrainian women and this will be heavily subsidised by the govt. However we did all the leg work and all the paperwork for this, so that they could get to this stage. It’s a hell of a lot of work but you have to see it through I think.

I will be glad to have my home to myself though

Yes I think this is exactly right. As soon as I saw that the government was asking hosts to commit for 6 months I knew there would be major issues with what happens after that. The OP is not unreasonable in wanting to bring the hosting arrangement to an end, but I can also sympathise with her guest's situation. She was presumably happy with her life in Ukraine and has been forced to move by the war. It is hard enough to re-enter the workforce if you've been out for some years, let alone doing it in a different country where you don't speak the language very well. It must be hugely daunting to think about finding a job, accommodation etc, in a country where you don't know the rules or understand the cultural norms, and where you may not see yourself staying long term anyway. It's quite different from freely choosing to move to another country and being motivated to establish a life there.

As a host I have no commitment or obligation beyond 6 months.

IME the guests were / are thinking opposite - that this will be sorted by autumn.

It’s important to calmly and clearly state your position. I have done so with my guests.

By volunteering to be a host and actively seeking refugees to help, I was very conscious of the implications of that decision; to me, my family, the refugees and wider society. All though I have the space to take 4 refugees, that wouldn't work for our family and lifestyle, so we took 2. There was no point in starting an unsustainable situation that would almost inevitably result in the council having to find housing for a family.

I think most of use had to actively seek out refugees. I also think that that process was horrible as we all probably had to turn down people in desperate situations. I had approaches from people with dementia and physical disabilities that are not possible to support in our village and in our home. That was tough. But these people we sought out, somehow selected and now house are now partly our responsibility. My guests have a home and family fully intact. I don't think they will go back regardless of those facts. A friend has guests who got to watch their home explode on television a few weeks ago. They have nothing to return to.

So whilst I would love my house back to ourselves, to be able to have friends and family to stay and to not have to put a bra on to leave my bedroom in the morning.... I will stand by my commitment for up to one year. In the meantime, I will provide support to help my guests become self-sufficient or return to their home and family (the most unlikely scenario I fear). Quite how we will get around the financial implications of them staying considering the cost of living in our part of the country, is going to be a challenge but I will not be baring the costs of that, even if I could afford it. I moved overseas and had to sort myself out, so I know it can be done.

www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-62493852
Homes for Ukraine: Quarter of refugee sponsors do not want to carry on

An ONS survey of Homes for Ukraine hosts found 26% want to end their sponsorship after six months or less.

Six out of 10 sponsors said they were happy to accommodate their Ukrainian guests for more than the agreed minimum with almost a quarter saying they would be prepared to continue the arrangement for more than a year.

However, almost all sponsors said they had provided support and help to their guests that went beyond the official arrangement.

Eight out of 10 said they had given them food, two-thirds had helped them find work and 45% had provided financial support.

Thanks for that @RedToothBrush - I remember completing that survey and noting the sentiment in the Qs around what would encourage you to extend beyond the 6 months……

The Government will likely try to emotionally guilt trip or bribe hosts to continue beyond 6 months - when it is their responsibility and they have had the time to resource alternative accommodation over the past 6 months whilst hosts shouldered the immediate burden during the crisis in the short term.

However facing the terrifying energy / cost of living crisis this winter then further amplified by continuing to fund 3 additional non working adults in my home 24/7 just isn’t sustainable for me - and I am not sleep walking into that situation. So the conversation has been had recently, at the 3 month point, about what’s required with respect to the costs, timelines and the process of finding a rental and jobs by October. Mine thought that they would be here until the autumn only so haven’t looked for work or considered a future beyond that in the U.K. but as the war of attrition continues they are having to rethink their assumptions and options.

I wonder if there are new hosts willing to take on families who have been here 6 months already? Or are there still refugees arriving who would take priority with new hosts?

It would be much easier as the exhausting and time consuming admin around visas, benefits, phones, job applications, banks, schools, GPS, dentists, transport etc will have been done and hopefully English improved …. so the guests would be in a position to contribute to utilities which would take the sting out.

Or if they are able to work full-time (unlikely / challenging as many are effectively single mothers with young children) maybe the arrangement could move on to a standard rental / lodger system (without the £350).

Or families may move back home (if they can) if there is a winter cease fire? Their visa would allow them to come back to U.K. over next 3 years.

I read recently that the movement back into Ukraine from Poland is now in the millions as people are settling in “safer” western Ukraine.

Tberes another thread running in which another poster said that an article in the times said the government are considering increasing the payment to £700 to those who go beyond the 6 months.

Realistically I don't think there is an alternative. Even then it means hosts are being forced into a situation many don't really want to be in but feel obliged to

Similar to @Yarboosucks I will standby and see it through for 12 months. I can cope with that but even if the monthly contributions went up to £700....it won't sway me. I will need my guests to move on and I don't think I'll be doing them any favours if they continue to live with me for free (even if my gov contribution went up to £700). It just isn't sustainable for me, our state or my guests. They will HAVE to get back into work ASAP and move on!

I can’t find that thread - would you mind linking?

Hi RTB,

Practical question from me please. My granny is hosting two Ukrainians and the bus passes where they are are really expensive (over £100 per month as far as I can see with no discount for those on universal credit or who are studying). Are all councils meant to be offering help with buses? It would be really useful to know - I have had a Google and can see specific councils helping but nothing more general.

Thank you in advance!

@RedToothBrush

Sorry but why are they spending £100 on buses every month when they aren’t going out to work? Have they got telephone appointments with the Job Centre? We are hosting someone who works and gets UC and she had a bicycle donated so she rarely uses the bus. When she does she has to pay for it.

Discounts on buses depend on the individual bus companies, not the council. In our area buses are only free for refugees in one small area of the county.

Realistically, why would they get free bus travel if others on UC don’t?