Ukrainian guest …I’m not feeling comfortable

[CookieDoughKid]

I’ve been hosting a Ukrainian mother and 15yo daughter since beginning of May. We get on ok although we live very different lives even before the war. She’s a SAhM and I’m a working mum full time. It’s been difficult for her to adjust because her husband used to do everything, such as banking, booking train tickets, appointments. It’s been a real learning curve having to stand on her own feet here. Fortunately she can speak some English so over time, I have been able to take a step back from supporting her on how to live in England. her dd will be taking GCSE exams next summer term.

My kids and her dd don’t like each other and don’t get on. The mother is a bit work shy in that she is very choosy about jobs being offered to her by the job agency. She does a week here or there. Nothing permanent or full time. She is not claiming UC after it was made apparent she would have to look for work or go back to work full time. Her husband is supporting her financially. I broached the subject of long term accommodation and the challenges of finding rent. I was surprised to learn they have 10000 USD saved, husband has a good job in software in Ukraine. They are prepared to rent but would rather not as they don’t want to ‘waste their money’. I know they’d rather go back home if the war was over.

I had pledged at the start to give them half of the £350 thank you money from Gov to be used as a deposit for their rent when they move on. That’s £150 a month I would give to them for the 12 months commitment. I keep £150. I know I don’t have to do it but I wanted them to feel like they have some longevity here without too much hardship. That was prior to me learning about their savings. With everything going on at home, me working full time, my two teens…I’m finding it all a bit much. The mother is lovely but so talkative and she’s always there. Sand my day is incredibly busy, I travel for work, I have my own children to look after.

what gripes me is that she also doesn’t pay a single thing or offer when I’ve said from the start she needs to sort it herself I’m talking about washing powder and sundries….she does pay her own food. I’m starting to resent the fact that she never offers to pay for dishwasher tablets, stationery paper, toilet roll, cling film, aluminium foil, washing powder, cleaning goods, kitchen napkins etc… It all adds up.

Come October, it will have been 6 months of me hosting. Would I be unreasonable to ask her to plan on moving out …I think I can tolerate them living with me to Jan 2023 (that would be 9 months in total) but she’s mentioned she wants to stay with me till next June so that her dd can sit her exams without interruption.

Should I ask for a household contribution? And what about the £150 a month I pledged? It’s not that I can’t afford it, I can but I feel I’m being taken for a ride.

she mentioned she wanted help in applying for UC housing benefit in the future which does not sit well with me knowing she is supported by her husband, has savings and is choosy with jobs?

fwiw, we both try very hard to get on. She’s helpful sith cleaning and so am I, and we have a good rhythm in sharing the kitchen etc. we don’t argue and we haven’t had any major spats.

it’s just that I am finding it hard to live with someone who is so different in outlook to me and living with us full stop. My dad was a refugee, he held down 3 jobs 7 days a week for a while and that work ethic is very strong in me (I don’t rely on my husband financially and never have but that’s my choice). I know if I was to live with someone not out of choice I would work really hard, and try to move out as soon as possible!

would like your perspective on this. I feel really guilty even thinking about asking her to move out but also, I feel they would have had 8 or 9 months free living so..isn’t that generous in itself?

I also have a work-shy Ukrainian guest. Father sends diamonds through the post and is considered Ukrainian royalty I gather. Despite this cheery background she claims UC but has apparently got a bad bad from an old injury so can’t do any manual menial physical work. Her English is not good but she thinks it is only a matter of time before she lands a good job. In Ukraine father picks up the phone and would get me a job apparently.

She talks non-stop lurching from one topic to another. She rarely gives me an opportunity to speak a sentence and I’m not sure she listens carefully when I do speak. Her English would improve rapidly if she listened more as she is very bright.

Her English would also improve if she sat down and had meals with us - she and her Ukrainian friends have settled into our outdoor eating area - if we come out with our food they scuttle off. Their way is to leave food offerings for us in the kitchen, which is sweet, but they won’t accept anything we cook. We now sit in the sitting room and eat on our laps as any interaction over food is just too awkward. Her child is allowed to eat food on the floor in their ground floor annex room - they live in absolute squalor and now we have a mouse problem to deal with.

She is not interested in English culture other than getting what she can out of the system. Christmas will be impossible as they celebrate on 7 January. I am now convinced she won’t bend that and celebrate with us on 25th as well, but will unwittingly sabotage our Christmas by frying her usual food when the rest of us with friends and family are sitting down in our open-plan kitchen diner celebrating.

So for all these reasons I’m calling it quits before Christmas - believe it or not she has gone back to southern Ukraine to go to the dentist and attend a manicure course, leaving the child here with the two ‘aunties’ and their teenage daughters who are now all popping in and out from their two other guest homes in our village every day - I have let her know I want her out before Christmas which is in line with the six month obligation.

The £350 payments started very late in the day. I’ve only had one so far. Our guest must be getting £600+. I think she has money to rent - could sell a diamond maybe - so I am not unduly concerned for her.

My guests have free bus passes. They get just under £1500 a month through universal credit and child benefit.

I am not meaning to call you a liar but that is hard to believe. What do you mean by having all these people taking over your outdoor space? Why did you let that behaviour become established? They are your guests and need to fit in with you not steamroller over you like this. Is letting her know she needs to be out by Christmas enough to make it happen or have you found a formal pathway via your council or Homes for Ukraine?

lemonblossom so when they leave you and get their rent paid there will be no point in finding work at all.

I don’t think you can wait until Christmas to make some changes! Reclaim your garden and set some more rules and boundaries. It’s your house. You have been incredibly kind to welcome them, but seriously don’t let her take over your life!
sit her down and tell her precisely how things are going to be if she is to stay for another few months.

@Charlieiscool That is the same with any other benefits claimant although I imagine they will be pushed into some kind of work.

Councils have been given a budget to spend on support for Ukrainians. Its up to the individual council to decide how they use that money.

My council has allocated budget to bus passes and ESOL courses as well as some other things but thats their decision.

So its completely down to the council. One council may be doing it but the one next door may not be.

Its something you would have to find out locally.

Its not been widely advertised here though, so its entirely possible that they are doing it in your granny's area. Its just not coming up on google.

Its not very helpful as there is no linl to the times article. Its just a poster saying the government are apparently considering it. If i see anything more concrete, i'll post.

Not strictly true. Some councils are paying for ukrainians to have bus passes from a particular company from their refugee services budget. So it is council funded from money allocated to them from the department for levelling up and its nothing to do with bus companies.

Your poor kids. They are having to share a home with a randomer who they don't get on with!

It's time for them to leave. They've had 6 months to get their feet under themselves, they speak English, they've got savings. Time to use them.

I can't offer any good advice. I just wanted to say to all hosts that you jumped in feet first to do a good deed and you have made a difference to these people's lives, even when there are culture clashes and other difficulties. You are really good people. OP - your guest needs to start rebuilding her life using her own savings and initiatives. It's time to move her on from your house.

Thank you that's really helpful - I'll flag it to her to add to the list of questions!

Just been listening to Lord Harrington (refugee minister?) on the radio - all about the ONS survey focusing on the 25% of hosts who are not planning to continue beyond the 6 month commitment.

Options they are looking at include:

1. Going back to those who registered for the HFU scheme initially but didn’t host and asking them to take Ukrainians who have been with a host for 6 months
2. Offering more money to hosts (amount TBC by the treasury)
3. Local councils to be rent guarantors

All of which is still passing the buck and not taking on accountability or responsibility for any substantive plans IMHO.

I wonder how option 1 will pan out?

😵😵😵😵😵 I bet you weren't expecting this experience

It's difficult partly I think because of the quite significant cultural differences. Not working is common if the men earn a decent wage and having shared a house with a Polish lady and her daughter for a short while a long time ago (we were both tenants) she wasn't one for social pleasantries , and her friends were the same . Not a horrible person , but we just didn't gel and had no mutual topics to gel over and it sounds easier than it actually is having a house guest for months where you simply 'don't gel' . It's a kind thing to do but long term it's not really a solution.

Being a CF and being a refugee aren't mutually exclusive.

Can you get a hood short story or film script out of it?

I hate to say this but it's so refreshing to see your honest review of hosting. We've been hosting a married couple since April and fully intended to go to a year but we're just absolutely done with it- we've had the discussion that we don't wish to continue after 6 months and are honestly counting down the days until we hit that mark (less than a month to go!). We felt awful considering everything that we've seen online about people rallying together and making friendships but we never had that despite our best efforts and having a young couple close to our ages.

We feel like we've been made fools of with the entire situation and originally had said that at the end of the project we would give them half of the money from the government however, thankfully, we never told them this and I just discussed it with my partner. We spent a good few hundred pounds doing up our guest room for them and obviously taking the time out of our schedules to make it as comfortable as possible but it's always an absolute mess (the access to the attic is via this room).

We were deceived about their situation; she was pregnant and didn't tell us until she miscarried and needed medical assistance (obviously an awful situation but something we didn't know about and we didn't wish to accommodate a child). They came into the country feigning poverty (we received numerous messages while they were waiting for their visa saying about how they were running out of money and were scared) and were given the welcome money, laptops, UC... And are sat on a small fortune- she constantly shops and we see this via the constant Instagram posts and when my Ring doorbell goes off. They did get work eventually but she is work shy and just plain lazy- she makes him fasten her shoes and zip her coat! She has never cleaned our house and relies on him to do it, to which we got to the point of having to basically say, essentially to him, 'you've been here long enough we shouldn't have to ask you to clean communal areas'.

We've had issues with benefit fraud because she kept going and doing photo shoots and charging people, this has now essentially turned into tax evasion (as I know she hasn't told the government that she's being paid for these shoots) as she's working. She's spamming Facebook pages about shoots and using other people's photographs and passing them off as her own and despite advising her on all of these things she just doesn't listen. Additionally she keeps doing photoshoots of herself in our garden in just her underwear (and our neighbours can see) but she keeps tagging the Instagram posts at a popular local family friendly attraction- I'm frantically trying to report them before any children see.

We've had numerous Tiktok videos posted where our address is clearly visible and she's insistent on not wearing very much at all (fantastic when this is at the front of our house and again the neighbours can see). We've learnt that they've befriended an old lady and visit her house (lady being 75+ who owns a very large house and successful business and they're 26/27) and we're genuinely concerned that they're scoping out a vulnerable person.

Add to this the fact that they rarely go out (maybe 2/3 times in 5 months), demand when they should have use of things and are extremely antisocial (despite claiming otherwise) and in all honesty my mental health has taken quite the hit as there's been no break from it. We cannot wait to be rid and wish we'd done it sooner.

If you have niggles absolutely get rid. You and your family come first. You've helped this family get on their feet and now it's time to let them make it on their own.

@Denito666 I'm sorry to hear about your experience. I think no matter what, you have done a good deed and despite the fact they haven't been good or grateful guests, you have saved their lives temporarily . Putin's war hits all and indirectly. Going back to Ukraine for many will mean they experience economic hardship and things will take years to go back to what it was. Their tax will have to pay the West's billion of $ weapom loans for years to come. Let your guests fend for themselves now. What is their plan, have they got one?

CookieDoughKid do you have an update? Are your guests actively seeking accommodation and making firm plans?

Apparently they've put down a deposit on a flat and are just waiting on checks to go through - not that they've actually told me this. Our couple can't go back to Ukraine. He paid his way out of the country so if he returns he'd be facing 10 years in jail.

I'm glad that we've done a good deed and all but it would have been nice to help someone who genuinely needed it, our couple fled from Odessa before there was any sign of trouble there. Now I know you can't assume but I honestly think it was for the NHS, they didn't know anyone in the UK and she knew she was pregnant 🙄.

I've been hosting a Ukrainian family (Mother, granny plus baby) and feel that they have been quite deceitful and treated their time in UK as a bit of a holiday. They come from the West and both have homes and husbands who are working back in the Ukraine. The Granny was supposed to be working and refused to take a job, she now has UC and a number of cash in hand cleaning jobs.

It has become really awkward and they are not at all integrated into our home. They stockpile food in their bedrooms and baby toys in their sitting room and their hygiene in the kitchen is not good. The fridge is full of their food and they do little to help around the house despite me having a full time job.

They both receive Universal credit and do not pay anything to the running of the house so only have food and baby stuff to pay out of this. The locals all run around giving them lifts to places because they say that they cannot afford public transport.

I have not extended the welcome to the Granny beyond 3 months, because she makes no effort at all to integrate and we have no relationship with her at all. The Mother then asked if I would host the Father instead and because I said no, they are all returning to the Ukraine.

The Mother says that she is going to return to the Ukraine for a holiday until her Husband is able to leave the country and then wants me to sponsor him and house the two of them until they can rent a flat together and work and live in UK.

Would you feel guilty about saying no to this? I feel that they have taken advantage of the UK's generosity and are taking suitcases full of new clothes and presents and sterling back to the UK. They don't come from a town that has been bombed and have family living in the countryside who are in safety. Am I being harsh?

Personally I wouldn’t care so much about what they do, that’s up to them.

You can say no and it sounds like you should.

It’s your home and if it isn’t working for you then of course you must say no. You did your best and helped them a great deal but the carnival is over.