SAHM, what a bore?

[Incognitopest]

Apologies for the antagonistic title…to get traffic!

Im 9 months into mat leave, i absolutely love and adore my daughter but christ i find this monotonous. I could go back to work early but also know this is a once in a lifetime opportunity.

How do SAHM do it? Do you enjoy it or do you see it as a job? Im fortunate that we have a cleaner once a week, dog walker a few times, and i go to the gym solely because it has a creche.

Im so conflicted between being desperate to go back to work yet knowing i should be embracing these days with my baby. Every day feels so repetitive. Im guessing some people are made out for it more than others?

not sure what the AIBU is…. I guess aibu for struggling being a sahm whilst considering part time child care?

I was a SAHM - it wasn’t the plan but I was made redundant, got a good pay out and then my mum sadly died a short while after, and I was left and inheritance. With her words ringing in my ears ‘don’t leave your kids with anyone until they can tell you if there’s something wrong’ I stayed if home until he was about 7.

I was pretty busy with all the ‘mum’ stuff. I got involved in a local charity, threw myself into the PTA, took up Italian lessons, and yes, watched quite a few classic films in the afternoon whilst ironing.

I really didn't enjoy maternity leave. I was excited to go back to work.
There's so much pressure on women to embrace and enjoy that time but not everyone does.
DS is 7 now - I'm enjoying this stage far more!

But you are looking at this with a fairly young baby. They don't do a lot at 8 months. Of course you interact with them but it's not building a Duplo castle or a wooden train set.

I enjoyed mat leave because I love walking and live in a beautiful place so we did a lot of that. Second time round I enjoyed it because I had a four year old and we did park or beach every afternoon once he finished pre school.

Some people love the baby stage but not everyone. When your child is attached to your leg crying because you are leaving them or when you miss their first steps or first nativity you may feel differently.

That's not to say going to work is bad. I've always done it too but I can see why people don't.

You're in a good position to make more of it by the sounds of things. Your baby must sleep well for you to have the energy for the gym every day, so that means you could easily manage other things like baby groups, meeting friends for walks/lunch/days out etc. Have a think about what you'd like to do and make that happen.
I was never bored but that was because DS was such a terrible sleeper that I was barely functional most of the time. Yet I still managed to meet friends every week and do other stuff, mainly to keep human contact and my sanity. Some people i met at baby groups I'm still friends with now.

Top tip - don't tell other new mums you're bored on mat leave, many won't be able to relate. It could sound a bit like you think it's beneath you and those who love it must be boring too. I found the exhaustion so awful that I'd have really disliked you for it.

There's so much intellectual weakness, spite and downright ignorance here that it deserves unpicking point by point.

1. "These babies didn't ask to be here but you gladly leave them in childcare because it's "boring"?. " No. I don't "leave" my child in childcare because its "boring". I use trusted childcare because I'm a single mother and there isn't anyone else who can support me to play with my children and ruminate on the evils of mothers who leave children in childcare. If I didn't do that, my child would starve.
2. "The bosses and shareholders of your companies are laughing up their sleeves at you." Mmmhmm. Does that include people who work for the National Health Service? Teachers? People who work in the creative industries? People who work as carers? Or is is just women who work in dreaded "office jobs" who are being used as cogs in the capitalist machine and laughed at by their bosses? No one is laughing at me. I'm financially independent and have a decent inheritance to provide for my daughter after I'm gone. Yes I know there's more to life than money but by God I'm glad I've worked.
3. Have men who enjoy their jobs also been "gaslit"? Is it women's natural state to prefer childcare to work? What makes it OK for a man to enjoy working hard and not a woman? Is it the hormones
4. "Nobody on their death bed wishes they spent more time at the office." I beg to differ. A lot of women come to regret not having worked harder to provide themselves with an independent financial future.

Many of you have raised genuine points about interesting ways to spend your time with young children when not working. And if you enjoy being at home with your children all power to you. I personally loved my mat leave.

But as someone who has to work to survive, I am so sick of this poisonous and spiteful rhetoric which tries to paint all working mothers as avaricious and greedy people who have been brainwashed against their nature by the greedy capitalist system.

@bofski14 What a hugely patronising post. I would challenge anyone not to bored and isolated in lockdown with a newborn baby completely alone. My husband deployed at ten days old and my family were five hours away. He came home after the six months and then deployed a month later for another four months.

I got myself a job and my daughter went to nursery two mornings a week to start with, the rest of the time she came to work with me. I don’t work for shareholders, I work for my local parish council in my own community. I do things like running the community garden and fridge, working with the local youth group on youth projects, managing a 200 acre country park for people and nature, looking after all of the 40 play parks that we own.

Having those two mornings a week where I could go out and interact with other adults made me an infinitely better parent to my daughter. I do find purpose in helping my community, just like I found purpose in my old career in agriculture. I don’t see you coming for Dad’s who work.

Sleep deprivation doesn’t always look like “tiredness” though, often it looks like a lack of motivation and/or enjoyment of things. Which can definitely manifest itself as boredom. Just because you can’t relate to being bored doesn’t many others can’t. So although I agree that OP shouldn’t blurt out to anyone and everyone that she’s bored, she should definitely feel comfortable confiding in people who may be able to offer her support without fear that she looks like she’s being smug.

It's astounding reading through these responses to see just how many people have been gaslit and brainwashed into thinking that having a job gives you purpose, more purpose than being a mother to a child you CHOSE to bring into the world. These babies didn't ask to be here but you gladly leave them in childcare because it's "boring"? The bosses and shareholders of your companies are laughing up their sleeves at you. When did our society become so broken that mother's feel they have no purpose unless it's grinding for a payslip. If you NEED to work for the money, do that. But if you can have freedom to spend time with your child, see them grow, nurture them - do it. Nobody on their death bed wishes they spent more time at the office. And if you find being a SAHM boring, that's on you. Life is what you make it. Only boring people are bored.

Is it only women that have been brainwashed? Or are you only of those people who believe that men work to provide for their family while women work for luxuries?

Who are you to tell women they can work if the NEED to? What gives you the right to tell women to stay at home?

As for the oh so predictable deathbed comment ..... I will personally look back at my career with pride. It gives me purpose and I'm not ashamed of that.

Your post @Thepeopleversuswork is why mumsnet needs a like button.

I bloody love my job. Stupidly so. Because it’s really interesting and helps people and I work with fab people and 95% of the time it puts a smile on my face even when I’m not feeling it.

I would still work even if I won the lottery.

I only had 5 months iff with my 1st after a traumatic birth and bad pnd undiagnosed. I wasnt ready to return physically or mentally but financially I had to. 2nd came along, still got pnd but wasnt such a shock having another. Planned a year but went back after 7 months. Didnt really enjoy it. Had nothing in common with the other mums other than they too were mums. They only spoke about poo, feeds, crappy books on raising children writing dull blogs andand other baby stuff which I found boring. It wasnt for me but we are all different. I know so very accomplished and educated mums with awesome careers who've walked away to be at home. Their choice their business.

A fascinating read this morning with a surprisingly high level of judgment! Surely we can all agree that women are all different, and our babies are all different, so our experience of being a mum (on maternity, at home, at work) will all be different?

OP it’s totally ok that’s you’re not enjoying this and want more adult level stimulation. It definitely doesn’t make you a bad mum or love your child any less. I found months 6-10 the hardest, as a newborn he slept on a lot on me, I read books, watched documentary’s and went on walks with a friend with a similar age baby and chatted while they slept (thank god for a baby that slept in the pram). Then months 6-10 he was sleeping less, moving and into anything but we couldn’t really do much yet. I loved my baby but I don’t love the baby stage. When he started walking at 11 months and understanding more it was so so different.

I went back to work at 11 months and was desperate to go back, I missed working and that adult interaction, being useful and having stuff to do.

Yet 9 months later I’m now pregnant with number 2 and planning most likely to stay home after this one. Total shift. What happened? I’ve found the balance of part two work and parenting so hard despite having a genuinely equal partner. It feels like the worst of both worlds instead of the best, I feel like I’m not doing well in either side of my life. I also love being with my toddler now. He can play, we can go out and do stuff. I could work full time and focus on that or stay home and focus on that, and I think I’m going for the latter. Parenting a toddler/child is so different to parenting a baby that does very little.

Equally another woman will choose the work more option and that’s also totally ok! We all have different needs. I will say making a point of spending time with child free friends, having a glass of wine and talking society and politics makes a huge difference! I don’t want to live in a permanently child focused bubble either. It sounds like it’s these interactions that you’re missing? Are you seeing friends in a non baby context?

To sum up, totally get that you’re not enjoying it and if you want to go back to work sooner then do that! I would have gone back a couple of months earlier if childcare had allowed. But also maternity leave when you’re waiting to return to work is quite different than the conscious choice to stay at home longer term, your plans and rhythms will change. Can you spend more time with friends not just in baby focused mode (even if baby is with you?)

No, being bored doesnt make you boring. Being bored is a sign if intellect and means there is more to life than having g children. Nothing wrong with paid childcare.

Don't feel guilty. I went back to work FT when mine was 16 weeks. Never regretted it. Being a SAHM wasn't for me. And personally I couldn't rely on someone else. I was a much better mother because of it.

I loved my first maternity leave, due to covid i was actually off for about 14 months! I worked two jobs most of my twenties and it was the first time I had time for me (and my baby obviously). Second child is only 18 months younger so by 9 months into my second maternity i was fed up of it all and went back to work early. Mainly because my DHs opinion of me had changed, he seen me as a SAHM and expected me to do everything which did not go down well. In theory i think I could happily fill my days once the kids are in school but i like contributing to the household financially and my work is stressfree so I can't imagine ever being a SAHM

Well said @Thepeopleversuswork

Go back to work op and don't feel guilty about it

You can love spending time with your baby and love going to work. It doesn't have to be one or the other.

Yanbu. Working part time was perfect for me in the early years, I didn't enjoy the monotony of maternity leave

Meh ....people like different things...

Also some of us didn't have the choice.

meh - i loathed it. Due to circs it went on way longer than i wanted and in the end i was climbing the walls.
It's not for everyone - do what is right for you and your family.

ReeseWitherfork fair point. In the OP's case though she hasn't stated she is tired, nor does she appear lacking in motivation to do things (daily gym visits). I agree that she should seek support, but choose what she says and who she confides in carefully because we don't all have the same experience of motherhood.

I would still work even if I won the lottery.

Me too. I bloody love my job

Just go back to work. A year is a long time out for some people - mat leave was 6 months until very recently.

It’s not for everyone, just adjust your plans and head back early, you’ll be happier, your baby won’t mind either way, and you’ll have more cash.

marvellously put @Thepeopleversuswork

@bofski14 you might also care to observe that people are…. different! There is nothing wrong with choosing to stay home and look after your preschoolers full time, and there is nothing wrong with having someone else to do it during your working hours as a doctor/office cleaner/graphic designer/hedge fund manager / fruit picker.

All this labour - childcare and paid work - contributes to society. Children need to be looked after and they need to grow up in a solvent family and a healthy economy where there is are functioning public services and opportunities for them to earn enough for a decent life.

I would a) consider why you are so angry and b) learn some manners.

I’d go back to work. I was the same as you and went back part time after 8 months .
felt much happier and more ‘me’. It gets much less dull as they get older and are more interesting to hang out with.
don’t feel guilty about it either!
I then had a second and my second Mat leave was very different. I hired an afternoon nanny so I had two hours a day to myself - shopping, get stuff done, meeting with friends, coffee, even reading - it was bliss and I really really enjoyed my second mat leave and took the full year . I was also less tired and more refreshed just from 2 hours a day of extra help

Why do people post this kind of crap? Is it because they're too stupid to work out that different people want different things from their lives, or are they just really insecure about their own choices and feeling a desperate need to justify their decisions?

If you don't want to work, and don't have to, then don't. Good for you. But why the need to belittle other people's choices by trying to suggest that they're just too brainwashed to see the reality. That's just nonsense.

Yes, there are pointless jobs out there, but there are also jobs which are hugely meaningful, satisfying and rewarding for a whole raft of different reasons. And yes, actually, some women do get to the end of their lives and wish that they had done more to pursue their careers... my own mum is one of them.

The maternity leave period is not the most fun part of a child’s life for most people imvho; it’s a stressful, exhausting, sleep-deprived slog part. Nobody is going to pay you to stay away from your paid job in order to have fun. You are being paid to safeguard a vulnerable baby. As soon as your baby starts walking, talking, developing a distinctive personality, really showing what they are learning each day from the person or people they spend the most time with, and participating in slightly more stimulating activities for all concerned, which might be more interesting to more parents, you’re back at work.

It’s also normal not to find the next few years hugely stimulating or fun, either, though, if you don’t find the privilege of close up observation of and involvement in, human development, your primary topic of interest, and don’t have any particular developmental or health concerns for your own child that make leaving them in the care of others a horribly stressful experience.

If you are being taken away from something else you love and all your waking hours are now consumed by your offspring and you don’t feel it is necessary for your child’s wellbeing and development to spend this much time with them, then obviously you will not find it much fun. The problem with paid work is, most people cannot get the balance they want between valuable time spent with their offspring and valuable time spent being stimulated by other things, as they generally can’t control their working hours to fit around the interesting bits of childcare, so may end up getting the worst of all worlds, still responsible for some of the least fun bits of childcare, missing out on some of the more enjoyable bits, and maximising the stress of the experience of paid work. More often than not, paid work is for the money - if money is not an issue, it seems a bit sad not to be able to think of unpaid, stimulating and worthwhile things to do with your time, though!