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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

SAHM, what a bore?

254 replies

Incognitopest · 29/07/2022 23:30

Apologies for the antagonistic title…to get traffic!

Im 9 months into mat leave, i absolutely love and adore my daughter but christ i find this monotonous. I could go back to work early but also know this is a once in a lifetime opportunity.

How do SAHM do it? Do you enjoy it or do you see it as a job? Im fortunate that we have a cleaner once a week, dog walker a few times, and i go to the gym solely because it has a creche.

Im so conflicted between being desperate to go back to work yet knowing i should be embracing these days with my baby. Every day feels so repetitive. Im guessing some people are made out for it more than others?

not sure what the AIBU is…. I guess aibu for struggling being a sahm whilst considering part time child care?

OP posts:
Louise0701 · 30/07/2022 00:13

@Incognitopest have you taken her swimming? Been to different parks? Sensory class or doing sensory play at home? The beach? The farm? Your days do sound incredibly dull; it’s no wonder you’re fed up.

Dinosauratemydaffodils · 30/07/2022 00:13

I started an OU degree when dc1 was 8 months old (graduated last year), joined several committees including one I chair plus other volunteering. I've also been learning my grandfather's mother tongue as well as pre covid taking them to at least one activity a day and playdates. I like a plan though so for example when ds was 9 month on a Monday we'd do music class and then go to a cafe for lunch so he'd nap and I'd either study or chat to friends. I managed to make a good crowd of friends and our friendships progressed quite quickly beyond what our babies had done to getting to know each other. My eldest is 7 now and I still see those friends regularly.

Baby wearing helped me a lot, especially with dc2 who at 4 would still happily be worn. Making time for yourself is crucial (I've read books, written essays and made picnic lunches over my sleeping babies heads) but ultimately maybe it's not for you and that's ok too.

Labadabbado · 30/07/2022 00:14

I love it and also find it really difficult/ boring at times?

work was also stressful and boring at times but I felt like I was more likely to see a return on time invested in 20 years with the kids than the job.

I also found that when I (briefly) went back to work I was still responsible for the kids AND the job, and I could quit my job but not my kids.

I have since found reasonable balance by working freelance part time. I get the professional challenge but it isn’t all consuming. I have always found managing the kids to be intellectually interesting, but there is satisfaction in completing work objectives that are hard to replicate in childcare.

cestlavielife · 30/07/2022 00:15

Incognitopest · 29/07/2022 23:56

@cestlavielife do you wish youd been able to spend longer with them?

Not really Plenty of time evenings weekends holidays (generous 30 days leave plus bank hols)
I didnt miss anything . I saw them grow. Every day.
It was hectic yes but nothing unusual.

Original poster
Incognitopest · 30/07/2022 00:16

@Louise0701 yes, ive done all those things. I don’t doubt baby is satisfied. Its me that’s struggling!

OP posts:
oviraptor21 · 30/07/2022 00:16

Incognitopest · 30/07/2022 00:00

@oviraptor21 this seems to be where im going wrong? I dont seem to have time for anything for “me” . Where do you get the time to do brain work?
I do do the mum/baby meet ups but i just dont want to chat about what baby did this week!

Brainwork and hobbies mostly in the evening. My babies seemed to sleep quite well from 8ish to 11ish so that's a fair chunk of time to do stuff in. They weren't the best overnight but I co-slept which made that a whole lot easier.
For daytimes - routine. Had a couple of mum/baby groups on Tues/Thurs. Parents would come over on Wed or would visit friends/they'd visit us. Which left Mon and Fri for housework! I did find the solo baby time fairly dull - I'm not the best at playing with babies although I love talking to them. Things were a whole lot better when there were two - more to do, more to watch and enjoy, less playing required!

WeneedtotalkaboutBrunobaby · 30/07/2022 00:18

Incognitopest · 30/07/2022 00:07

@WeneedtotalkaboutBrunobaby youre completely correct, it is dull.
i did try the baby groups etc, last week we went to a zoo….shes too young to enjoy a zoo. I can understand enjoying these things with a toddler but not so much a 9 month old

She's too young for the zoo but I imagine she enjoyed the swings in the playground?

What interests did you have before you had your baby? Was your social life centred around work too? If you didn't have interests outside of work before you had the baby, I think its harder to adapt. Are any of your friends around during the day? Or any family members? If not, you will be lonely. I loved maternity leave with my first child because I spent endless days strolling around shops, going to the cinema, swimming, going to galleries, toddler groups, music classes. When I had my second it was much harder and too busy to do anything other than wish it was night and they were in bed!

Louise0701 · 30/07/2022 00:18

@Incognitopest you need to do things for yourself. How long does she nap for?

Original poster
Incognitopest · 30/07/2022 00:20

@Dinosauratemydaffodils this is inspiring! But again, maybe im being defeatist?, i just dont get how you have the time? If my baby naps, its 30 mins..i had big plans to do a Msc on mat leave but here i am stacking cups

OP posts:
WeneedtotalkaboutBrunobaby · 30/07/2022 00:21

Incognitopest · 30/07/2022 00:16

@Louise0701 yes, ive done all those things. I don’t doubt baby is satisfied. Its me that’s struggling!

I don't understand this. You can't really have 'done' all those things. They are weekly activities. You need a routine to keep your days busy. You can't spend hours just cleaning a house and walking around on your own. You will get depressed.

Original poster
Incognitopest · 30/07/2022 00:24

@Labadabbado thanks so much for your insight

OP posts:
CharlotteOH · 30/07/2022 00:30

I adored it, but then before pregnancy I had a glamourous interesting well paid job with nice people - that I hated 🤣🤷‍♀️

Different things suit different people eh

Original poster
Incognitopest · 30/07/2022 00:32

@WeneedtotalkaboutBrunobaby yes you’re right, she did enjoy the swings!
and yes, my life has always revolved around work, so i guess the adaptation has been a challenge. I don’t have family nearby, and as a “late” mother, most my social circle don’t have children

OP posts:
Dinosauratemydaffodils · 30/07/2022 00:36

i just dont get how you have the time? If my baby naps, its 30 mins..i had big plans to do a Msc on mat leave but here i am stacking cups

You have my sympathy, both mine were "interesting" sleepers and dropped naps far too early. I'm quite single minded and focused plus my grandmother (who had many children) pointed out that dc1 needed my attention yes, but that didn't mean it had to be just nursery rhymes. I'd read my essays to him or talk to him about my coursework. Bulk of the work I did late at night tho (like my kids, I can function on relatively little sleep). Also having had a job which involved home visits to some very chaotic households, I'm not particularly fussed about tidiness as long as the kitchen and bathroom are clean.
I never intended being a sahm and I was definitely resentful to begin with which I think allowed me to be ruthless in carving out what I needed. I never stayed in because they might need a nap (unlike some mums I met), we'd go out and they'd nap on me.

timeisnotaline · 30/07/2022 00:38

I’m on mat leave and it’s tough going. It’s dc3 so my moments with just baby where you can do that wander around shops or galleries are very limited so it’s just hard- I adore my baby but it’s all I can do to get some washing done and look after the dc and ferry them to school and childcare and basketball and gymnastics. Summer will help (I’m not in the uk) and having the backyard fixed up so it’s not so muddy, then I might get a minute! But someone’s been sick every day of the last 3 weeks so it’s no fun at all.

girlfrien · 30/07/2022 00:40

Incognitopest · 29/07/2022 23:54

@Louise0701 i go to the gym most mornings, walk the dog. Keep the house tidy , go for a walk in the park in the afternoons. It all just feels a bit….same?
Can i ask what you do?

Life is mostly the same. When you work it's samey.

You've got the best job in the world at the moment looking after your own baby don't wish those days away.

WeneedtotalkaboutBrunobaby · 30/07/2022 01:01

girlfrien · 30/07/2022 00:40

Life is mostly the same. When you work it's samey.

You've got the best job in the world at the moment looking after your own baby don't wish those days away.

Show quote history

I think Girlfrien has hit the mail on the head. Life is very much the same day in and day out for most people.

When working you do what is expected of you by the deadlines you are given. When you’re at home, you have to set your own work and your own hours. For both, having a routine/timetable helps a great deal.

MintJulia · 30/07/2022 01:10

yanbu. All my friends worked, ds was relatively easy to look after and I was bored senseless.

In the end I bought a sling and we went hiking for the summer along the ridgeway. It was blissful if energetic. I lost the baby weight pretty quickly.

Adversity · 30/07/2022 01:19

I took a watercolours class and also a personal development course for women one morning a week each when on maternity leave. After that we went to lunch in a little cafe. The art course was paid but the personal development course was free, this was 20 years ago though. I had a gym, swim and exercise class one morning a week as well that had a free crèche. So that was six hours a week interacting with adults doing other things.

Hugasauras · 30/07/2022 01:21

Just go back to work! Nine months is when I went back with DD1 and will with DD2. I went back part time and the balance of having time to do something for myself and still having time at home with DD was perfect.

If being at home all the time isn't working for you then that's fine - we are all different.

5zeds · 30/07/2022 01:26

I’m always baffled by people who use work to fill their time and are “bored” without it. What did you do at the weekend or on holiday? Why when you can do anything are you bored?

Scottishskifun · 30/07/2022 01:28

I was like this after my DS I was itching to get back to work. In the end after 11 months I was done and I enjoyed being back.
Second time around I'm enjoying it more (I also have a cat napper it's a pain in the bum) and I meet up with friends who either don't have children or ones who don't talk about their babies constantly.

MangyInseam · 30/07/2022 01:32

Babies can be kind of boring. At that age, in some ways it's just a bit of a slog at times.

It can help to find some friends that have interests in common with you other than babies. Baby groups tend to talk about babies because that's all you may have in common.

It can also be good to find a hobby you can do with the baby. I used to do some cooking by putting my babies in a backpack type carrier.

They do get to be more fun alas often right around the same time parents go back to work.

Nancydrawn · 30/07/2022 02:32

Nothing wrong with liking being home with your kids. But for many, it's not the "best job in the world."

Some love it. Others miss the bustle and the surprise of everyday work. I've had friends who were, for instance, doctors, reporters, and lawyers, all of whom felt really out of the loop and quite bored being at home without the rush of the surgery/story/negotiations to keep them going. There's nothing wrong with that either.

You find what works for you, and don't let anyone guilt you into staying home if you don't want to. (Similarly, as long as it works financially and you have a good relationship with sensible precautions, like life insurance and marriage/extra legal protections, don't let anyone guilt you into going back to work.)

DangerouslyBored · 30/07/2022 03:24

Currently pregnant and everyone has told me I wont want to go back to work when maternity leave is over. I absolutely know I will be dying to go back! I love my job, I love the buzz, the reward. I will obviously love my baby beyond words but for me, my career is v much part of who I am. Whilst many appear to love it, personally, I don’t want to be just ‘mum’ 🤷🏻‍♀️