SAHM, what a bore?

[Incognitopest]

Apologies for the antagonistic title…to get traffic!

Im 9 months into mat leave, i absolutely love and adore my daughter but christ i find this monotonous. I could go back to work early but also know this is a once in a lifetime opportunity.

How do SAHM do it? Do you enjoy it or do you see it as a job? Im fortunate that we have a cleaner once a week, dog walker a few times, and i go to the gym solely because it has a creche.

Im so conflicted between being desperate to go back to work yet knowing i should be embracing these days with my baby. Every day feels so repetitive. Im guessing some people are made out for it more than others?

not sure what the AIBU is…. I guess aibu for struggling being a sahm whilst considering part time child care?

Tophub - do you actually read my posts? I've no idea why you're being so defensive on here. I literally said that if the OP is happier at work, then she should do that and of course there no need to feel guilty about anything.

I'm sorry if you've had snide comments about working in real life and it's understandable why you seem angry and highly triggered. But those people don't know you and people are too tied up in their own lives to care about anyone else's family set up for more than a passing second. As I said, there's no ideal, just what is best for the individual. How can there be 'sides.?" Most women have worked / SAH at some point . You find a balance, not a 'side' fgs.

@anuja1
I'm not triggered or angry. Don't tone police.

I just disagree with you and am pointing how our comments come across.

Despite your denial of sides its clear you have 1

@anuja1

If people are being defensive (and I don't think they particularly were in this instance), there is good reason for it. Both SAHMs and WOHMs are routinely attacked for their lifestyles and childcare choices on here by people who lack the imagination to understand that not everyone is like them.

You're being naïve if you think its simply a case of live and let live. Obviously people make pragmatic choices to suit their lifestyles and at an individual level most people accept that but its highly political and there most definitely are "sides" to these debates.

There was a choice example on this thread where a poster said that working women had been "brainwashed" and "gaslit" by capitalism into working to boost the coffers of their employers' shareholders. This is a fairly standard example of working mums being picked on for supporting their own children and working mums face comments like this on a daily basis. It's not even the worst example by a long chalk

It works the other way around and SAHMs are also subject to equally moronic remarks implying they are thick and unmotivated.

Some of us have put up with this for years so don't tell people they shouldn't care about this. I care about it a lot because I work to support my child and provide a decent quality of life because I'm a single parent but am routinely upbraided on here for "having children I can't be bothered to look after" and other choice insults. Yes this makes me angry and defensive and I'm quite happy to admit that.

No I don't accept their needs to be 'sides'. If you think the fact I'm a SAHM, puts me on a 'side' then that's your mindset. I can't fi a lot about that. As I have repeatedly said, there is no right or wrong way. I only posted initially because I do find it a bit sad, to be honest, when people say young children are boring. I was wanting to give a perspective that human beings are not boring - in fact, some people (like me) study child development and psychology as a living. As I say, different types of people find different things more interesting. The fact I never found being a SAHM boring, certainly doesn't mean I think all women should do it! Everyone has to find their own balance. I can't keep repeating this. You don't need to take the fact some women enjoy being a SAHM as a personal criticism. It really isn't.

Thepeopleversuswork - I don't doubt there are snide comments on both 'sides' - but that doesn't mean people have to fall into this trap and just repeat the moronic cycle of taking 'sides' and being defensive. So what if there are couple of stupid posts about 'SAHMs' or 'WOHMs' on here or in real life. The vast majority of people don't spend their lives thinking they are on a different 'side' to other women, purely based on whether they have a job or not! How can you be on a 'WOHM side' when this could mean anything from working 2 hours per week to 100? As if life is that simple. And how is being told that you should share work and childcare 50/50 with your DH as 'ideal' going to help the millions of women who are single mums? It's nonsense. You can't control what other people say, but you can control how you react to it. It's doesn't need to be this "sides" thing. Did the OP ask for that? No, she is an individual, as is everyone else.

@anuja1

I don't take the fact that some people enjoy being a SAHM as a personal criticism, I'm very happy for people to remain at home with my children. I went out of my way to say I think SAHMs are often unfairly maligned on here.

What I do take as a personal criticism is when people (such as the poster upthread) tell me I have "dumped" my child in childcare because I can't be bothered to look after her or that I have been "gaslit" by my employer into working instead of looking after her. I read these sorts of comments on a daily basis.

Please don't tell me people attacking me for working to support my child shouldn't upset me.

Each to his/her own. I loved being at home when mine were little. It need not be boring - the changes in the baby's skills are so rapid at that age and lots of new things you can dream up to do with them as they progress. And I always found it exciting when they learned something new or experienced something for the first time - it made me see the world in a different light.

I can truly say that I was never ever bored during the 5 years I took off to be with my children - knackered, but never bored!

@Thepeopleversuswork because it is aimed as personal criticism. In the same way that SAHM are targeted with personal, hurtful criticism about our choices. I've been told, quite gleefully, while at a wedding that I was letting my child down by staying with them and that they couldn't possibly have done it because they needed more stimulation (implying a bit less subtly afterwards that I was clearly a bit brain-dead for enjoying my time).

It is a pity that the topic cannot be discussed without individuals being targeted for comment on their choices. Whenever it gets raised (whether working mother or SAH), it seems only as an opportunity for someone to shit on someone else's choices.

@Gertrudetheadelie

It is a pity that the topic cannot be discussed without individuals being targeted for comment on their choices.

Indeed it is. But individuals are targeted. And that's political. And the reason its so political is that these attacks and criticisms are directed at women (who typically have more limited control over these dynamics in the first place) and not at men.

So when someone airily swans up and says "let's not take sides" as if it was that simple, its somewhat irritating. I've never "taken sides", against any woman's choice because I recognise that everyone's situation is different.

But I'm also damned if I'm going to stand quietly by and take it when someone attacks me for having to work to support my child.

OP the fact that you planned on doing an MSc during maternity leave shows how deluded you are 😂 Poor baby. Already in the way of your big plans and not even a year old. Maybe you should have thought a bit more about this before actually bringing a baby into the world. Don't worry though. Turf it out to childcare as soon as possible, hopefully boarding school too. Maybe they'll emigrate at 18! Fingers crossed! If you're bored, that's on you. Life is what you make it and if you're bored, then yes you are boring.

@Thepeopleversuswork I agree but I also think that the danger is that if I retaliate to the SAHM attacks, I end up saying things that a working parent can find insulting. If I say that I didn't find it boring raising my child because X, Y and Z I worry that I will then get accused of implying that the working parent is lesser even if I couch it in terms that everyone's situation is different, so I end up just smiling and moving on with the conversation.

@bofski14 you OK?

@bofski14 Dick comment - you're obviously a deeply unhappy and shitty person if you need to come on a forum to make someone feel awful about about being bored as a SAHM.

OP I found being a SAHM monotonous and boring a lot of the time. Nothing wrong with wanting to go back to work and enjoying working.

@bofski14 have you actually read most of this thread? About three quarter of the comments on it are takedowns of your insulting and deeply stupid earlier post.

Genuinely interested to know how you think women who don't have any other kind of support are supposed to support their children if they're not allowed to work?

I do get that. It's a minefield.

The thing is for me its really primal because I have other means of support other than that which I provide myself. So for me its not about a "lifestyle choice". It's survival. And when people like @bofski14 turn up I feel compelled to defend my right to support my child.

Not an MSc but I did a PGDip on mat leave and I know other people who’ve done similar or more. It’s not for everyone but with decent support and some luck it is definitely possible. Not something to sneer at anyway.

I think for some people (on both 'sid the whole discussion is just an opportunity to be a dick to others 🙄

That should have said "(on both sides)" but apparently my one thumb typing is not as accurate as I hoped and I clicked post not delete!

Absolutely. Some people use any excuse (BF v FF, cosleep or not, sleep train or not, throwing birthday parties or not, two Christmas presents or 22, girls only wearing pink, girls never wearing pink….)

It’s a shame because I think it’s a loud minority. The very very vast majority of mums I know IRL are very supportive of others decisions (even if they are vocal that it’s different from how they’d do it).

When my eldest was born, I read some really good books about parenting from an anthropological pov. It was just the tonic I needed from worrying about doing it 'right' because you just see the huge diversity of human experience over time and between places and the realisation that human babies and children are robust critters who will basically conform to whatever the society in which they live demands of them and they will be fine, whatever.

I, in contrast, now have much better mental health as a SAHM mother than I did as a teacher where I was burning out fast (I no longer have high blood pressure and regular migraines with aura!) and I've loved all the things I've done with my children so for me it was the right choice. However, teaching is a lucky profession where there are enough shortages that I don't have to worry about being employable when I do go back to work.

But it is so individual that without detailing your entire life history, motivations and financial issues there's not much to say about anyone's choice on either 'side' other than 'That's cool. I'm glad it makes you happy' (showing my age as a 90s child there...).

An advance search shows that @bofski14 was an unmarried SAHM in an abusive relationship and in pretty dire straights in the past.
Im not usually a fan of AS but that probably accounts for the bitterness and venom.
There are places where you can get help, taking it out on other people on forums isnt helpful in the long term.
I hope your situation has improved.

@Hudsonriver very cruel post and disingenuous advice at the end.

Useful context for people not to take her comments to heart. This lessens the sting from her horrible contribution.

@ReeseWitherfork

I'd really hope no one is taking them at all seriously

Total nonsense

I HRTFT and I see it's descended into the usual mud slinging.

But to the OP's predicament, just go back. 9 months was plenty for me and I was ready to return to work then. I enjoyed my mat leaves, but that was enough.