SAHM, what a bore?

[Incognitopest]

Apologies for the antagonistic title…to get traffic!

Im 9 months into mat leave, i absolutely love and adore my daughter but christ i find this monotonous. I could go back to work early but also know this is a once in a lifetime opportunity.

How do SAHM do it? Do you enjoy it or do you see it as a job? Im fortunate that we have a cleaner once a week, dog walker a few times, and i go to the gym solely because it has a creche.

Im so conflicted between being desperate to go back to work yet knowing i should be embracing these days with my baby. Every day feels so repetitive. Im guessing some people are made out for it more than others?

not sure what the AIBU is…. I guess aibu for struggling being a sahm whilst considering part time child care?

I loved the 'what baby did' discussions but never go out to work dos because I don't want to talk about work!

Staying at home isn't for everyone. I found my DC fascinating, read lots of baby development books and did lots of activities. I loved it. I also built up a great group of friends. I hated going back to work.

Also, I had a vested interest in how my DC turned out in the long run which no one else, other than DH had.

In contrast I've never yet found a job that I wouldn't drop like a hot brick given the opportunity. Work politics, and colleagues yak yaking about crap drives me mad. I have colleagues, not friends, at work.

However, if you enjoy work, find it stimulating and you have friends there, go back!

You are made for work. Do not feel guilty about this. Everyone is different.

Nobody on their death bed wishes they spent more time at the office.

This has been trotted out so many times it’s become a meaningless cliché.

My version: “When I’m on my deathbed, I’ll be at peace knowing that I worked hard and did everything I could to keep from becoming a financial burden to my adult children and their families.”

It's not for everyone. I essentially just saw it as not having to work. So deal with baby, then do what I want at home, read books, watch films and TV, go on the internet watch youtube, go for walks and get coffee etc. I didn't want it to end.

I agree, it often gets trotted out on these threads. It's clearly based on supposition rather than evidence.

My mum was a sahm, and her single greatest regret now is that she gave up her career when she had my dsis. She feels like she has wasted her talents and like she hasn't fulfilled her potential. She also feels that she could have contributed so much more to society.

For my part, I am proud of what I've achieved in my job. I have made a real, tangible, positive difference to my community and to the lives of hundreds of individuals. I have had opportunities to learn, grow and push myself outside of my comfort zone. I have made my closest friendships through work. And I have earned enough to support my family and give my dc the best possible start in life. No regrets here!

Being bored is a sign if intellect and means there is more to life than having g children.

So if a SAHM isn't bored then she doesn't have intellect?

I’ve been a SAHM since 2005 😂. I’m never bored but I don’t have babies or young children to take care of.

Totally agree. When I'm on my death bed I'll be feeling extremely privileged that i was able to help so many children in care while raising my own, very fortunate children.

Apparently we've just been gaslit into thinking that there is value in what we do, though @OnceAnElephant . And if only we knew what was good for us, we'd be much happier and more fulfilled if we were at home chained to the kitchen sink.

Totally agree on PPs interpretation of “nobody on their deathbed wishes they had spent more time in the office”. This phrase makes me see red:

a) because it’s simply not true. Many women come to hugely regret giving up their careers for many reasons: financial security and fulfilment being the most obvious ones. My mother bitterly regretted losing her career. She resented it for the rest of her life.

b) because it presupposes everyone who works has a “boring” office job. And that all office jobs are automatically boring, which suggests grotesque ignorance of the diversity of jobs,

c) because it presupposes that everyone who works had the choice to not work and is actually choosing to avoid their children (which is offensive) or to be some ball busting feminist straight out of 1980s central casting (which is hilariously inaccurate).

d) because it is almost never levelled at men. It’s only women who are considered suspect for enjoying their work.

The faster this hideous, misogynistic phrase is consigned to the dustbin of history, the better.

You're right in saying it just suits some people more than others, I think.

I count myself as incredibly lucky to have been able to be home with our DS until he started school. They were my happiest days and I'd do anything to do them again.

It just suited me and I loved it.

That said, I absolutely hated my job (teaching), plus I'm not a people person & was happier in lockdown so maybe I'm just broken 😂

If you don't enjoy it that's absolutely fine.

No need for guilt or pressure, it's just not for you.

Do what makes you happiest, OP.x.

Sorry that you never found a job that you enjoy or one that gives you purpose. Apparently, your only job is spending your time being judgemental towards other women on the internet. You must have a fascinating life.

I don't think it means you're "broken" in the slightest, @StaunchMomma. I think it just reflects the fact that we're all different and we all want different things from life. And that's fine!

It's astounding reading through these responses to see just how many people have been gaslit and brainwashed into thinking that having a job gives you purpose, more purpose than being a mother to a child you CHOSE to bring into the world.

I wonder if bofski14 thinks her husband has been gaslit and brainwashed into thinking that having a job gives him purpose, more purpose than being a father to a child he chose to bring into the world. I’m guessing not, since his job has a very specific purpose that benefits their household, including her.

I used to spend a lot of time with friends at baby groups, walking dogs together, or just going for coffee at each other's houses when mine were small. You need adult company.

Yes, yes, yes!!!!!

It depends on your job maybe.
I went back to teaching after a year off with DD. I enjoy it and prefer that to being a SAHM.
But back when I was younger I worked in retail which was a bit of a snoozy, boring job. I’d much prefer to be a SAHM to that.

And if you find being a SAHM boring, that's on you. Life is what you make it. Only boring people are bored.

Yes, because you sound like such a hoot 😂

Being a SAHM didn't suit me. I work full time in a full on job for my own pleasure (ie we are fortunate that my income makes no real difference) and am much happier for it. I suspect I'm a better mother for it too.

Everyone is different. It caught me by surprise that I didn't really enjoy mat leave. My mum is a SAHM and I expected to do the same, but it wasn't for me.

My kids tell me they are bored one hundred times a day. They must be geniuses 🤣🤣🤣

There is quite a lot of research showing children are better being raised by a parent than in childcare should you ever take the time to research it btw.

There is also quite a lot of research that says having a SAHP makes no difference to outcomes for children. And some that says outcomes for girls in particular are better when their mothers work outside the home. And loads that says outcomes for children are directly associated with household income. It's usually possible to twist the evidence to support any agenda, so it's best to take these things with a pinch of salt.

In real life, I can see that there really isn't any difference between kids from families with WOHPs and those with SAHPs. The children of SAHPs aren't happier, or more secure, or more successful. I think the thing that makes the biggest difference is whether or not their parents are happy, not whether they work.

OP, I was a SAHM and had an absolute blast. I was exhausted a fair bit, and some afternoons felt very long when the DC were toddlers, but here are reasons why it was brilliant:

We went out every day. Sometimes to things specifically 'for them', and sometimes because jobs/shopping had to be done. So we never stooged at home.

Babies are a bit boring, but toddlers are the absolute best. They are hilarious little anarchists (though I like noise and chaos and mess).

I had a good routine of playgroups etc. I couldn't bear the thought of making 'mum friends' before I had my first baby, but you very quickly realise if you go to baby groups etc that they're not 'mum friends' - they're funny, intelligent, interesting women who don't just bleat on about nappies. They are people I'd have been friends with if I'd met them in any other situation. My former work colleagues, by contrast, were bellends. My 'mum friends' are still among my very closest friends now, over 20 years later. So being a SAHM was anything but isolating - I spent more time with other people than I did before or since (university aside).

Some people may well be more suited to it than others, but I can honestly say it is the best and most rewarding thing I've ever done (and I gave up a very good career for it).

@Anothernamechangeplease

think the thing that makes the biggest difference is whether or not their parents are happy, not whether they work

100% this!

There’s also plenty showing that it doesn’t actually make much difference. And none of this evidence is conclusive. Quality of life and happiness of the parents and levels of education are far more meaningful in determining outcomes than whether the mother is the primary caregiver.

We are all different.

I did not enjoy being SAHP at all. Part time for a while suited me better. That was a much better balance I found.

Definitely could not have done SAHP longer term than mat leave. Would have driven me nuts.