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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

SAHM, what a bore?

254 replies

Incognitopest · 29/07/2022 23:30

Apologies for the antagonistic title…to get traffic!

Im 9 months into mat leave, i absolutely love and adore my daughter but christ i find this monotonous. I could go back to work early but also know this is a once in a lifetime opportunity.

How do SAHM do it? Do you enjoy it or do you see it as a job? Im fortunate that we have a cleaner once a week, dog walker a few times, and i go to the gym solely because it has a creche.

Im so conflicted between being desperate to go back to work yet knowing i should be embracing these days with my baby. Every day feels so repetitive. Im guessing some people are made out for it more than others?

not sure what the AIBU is…. I guess aibu for struggling being a sahm whilst considering part time child care?

OP posts:
3amAndImStillAwake · 30/07/2022 03:31

I'm the same. I find mat leave unbelievably dull, and it ends just as the DC get more interesting.

lborgia · 30/07/2022 04:01

I expected to be off for at least a year, both times, and both times I went back at 8 months, and I'm not sure how I managed it, because the juggling was a nightmare. But I had an almost unnatural drive to be out of there. And my second job was monotonous, frustrating, no career advantage, and gave me nothing except adult conversation and a break from home.

In hindsight, I'm so glad I did. I've now had to be home full time for 5 years and, thank god I did something for myself then.

TBH, I think the whole SAHM thing is something of a myth. Yes, there are those who have able, NT kids, non-coercive DH's, and are at happy at home.

I know a ton of sahms, and I don't know a single one who doesn't have some underlying challenges that they'd swap for work in a heart beat.

  • Children that need constant care,
  • Children who are never going to manage mainstream school,
  • Husbands who have convinced them it's the right road..I was actually going to put religious convictions in another line, but the handful I know, these are intertwined.
  • Not well enough/able themselves to work and/or run a household at the same time and the family will always come first, obviously.

I know 2, maybe 3 who seem to genuinely live an insta life, children out 6 hours a day, help in the house, engaged husband capable of parenting alone.. and I'm a cynic, so still waiting to find their skeleton in the closest.

Sorry, the ramblings of a bored sahm! Go back to work! The baby will babble, crawl, walk, pile, cry at the weekend, and you will have those memories. Take away all the shit about whether you're there for the "first" anything. Doesn't matter whether it happens when you're work, or at home in the loo, those kinds of things are said to trap us!!

Blimey, I'm a bitter old woman HmmGrin

marrony · 30/07/2022 04:35

I found being a sahm with a little baby hard so I went back to work when dc was 6mo and I felt I couldn't really be the best mum yay staying at home.

When dc turned 2 I stopped working and had a lot of fun. I used to take dc out on full days everywhere and have a blast. I love looking back of pictures of us at that time just having so much fun.

I think being a sahm changes depending on what stage your dc are at. Now we're well into the school years, I'm struggling to keep up with everything on top of pt work so in my case school keeps us so busy I don't feel I could manage ft work and all dc has that needs helping with. Good luck whatever you end up doing OP.

CactusBlossom · 30/07/2022 04:52

You need to do things you find fulfilling. If you start to resent being with your DD 24/7 it will spoil your relationship.

satelliteheart · 30/07/2022 05:02

Tbh op you're not a sahm, you're on mat leave which isn't the same thing at all. Being a sahm isn't being at home with an under 1 year old all the time, they become much more interesting and more fun when they get a bit older. The first year can definitely seem monotonous.

For me personally my life never revolved around work, it was just a job I did and my real life was outside of it, so leaving work was no hardship at all. Obviously if work is the main focus of your life then you'll struggle being at home.

I agree with pp your days sounds quite boring and solitary, you need to keep going to baby groups and keep trying to find mum friends you click with. In my experience, you do talk about your kids at the beginning as that's what you have in common but the conversation will normally move on to more interesting topics once you get to know each other a bit. Adult interaction is essential when you're at home with kids all the time.

Ultimately though, being at home isn't for everyone and there's no shame in admitting that. We're all different and have different strengths so don't be afraid to go back to work if that's what's best for you.

Palg68 · 30/07/2022 05:10

I think if that's how you feel you could could go back to work earlier even part time. I had 12 months off but I had enough after around 9 months too.

I didn't really have mum friends at the time so I guess that could of had a bit of an impact but for those saying they lived being at home and could of continued I think it's very much a personality thing.

I missed adult conversation and I just enjoyed working then going back to my baby. Agree with everyone's different.

Giraffesandbottoms · 30/07/2022 06:39

In the nicest way, your mindset is this issue.

I dont seem to have time for anything for “me you say, when you to
to the gym EVERY DAY without the baby. This IS time for you. I have a newborn and older children and would kill to have this time.

im a SAHM and it’s never boring. We have a plan for the day and make it work and the days pass quickly. It’s a bit less busy with just one but you have to mentally segment the days around naps etc/break them up into chunks to get through. Take the baby to a swimming class and meet other mothers

Rinatinabina · 30/07/2022 06:47

I’m a SAHM and yes it can be very very boring. I suddenly felt less bored once DD went to nursery. Honestly at this age just do what YOU want. They are more transportable than toddlers who run off and mess about.

Rinatinabina · 30/07/2022 06:50

Also yes go back to work early, I moved country following DH back, If I had a job I would have been back like a shot. Or you could start transitioning the little one into nursery so they are ok by the time you are back to work and you gte a bit more time to yourself.

KatherineofGaunt · 30/07/2022 06:51

You don't have to stay on maternity for a year. Just go back to work if you want to!

KatieKat88 · 30/07/2022 07:11

DangerouslyBored · 30/07/2022 03:24

Currently pregnant and everyone has told me I wont want to go back to work when maternity leave is over. I absolutely know I will be dying to go back! I love my job, I love the buzz, the reward. I will obviously love my baby beyond words but for me, my career is v much part of who I am. Whilst many appear to love it, personally, I don’t want to be just ‘mum’ 🤷🏻‍♀️

You aren't 'just mum' though as a SAHM, are you currently 'just worker'? I still have the same hobbies/interests as before, I just don't also have to juggle a job that I found very stressful Smile My DD is a toddler so I consider being a SAHM as my job, we go to classes, trips out, I'm teaching her new things etc etc - when she's bigger I'll go back to work (teaching - given the current recruitment crisis I'm not too concerned about finding something)

fyn · 30/07/2022 07:14

I found maternity leave the most boring thing. It was lockdown down so there was nothing to do and my husband was deployed. I’d left my job to be a SAHM but honestly just couldn’t do it. I got myself a part time, flexible job at about 7 months and it did wonders for my mental health to feel like I had a purpose again.

Lostmyway86 · 30/07/2022 07:14

I could have written your post OP! I felt the same. I did 2 mat leaves back to back with a short stint back at work in between and my god was I happy to go back after the second time. I really think some are suited to it (my sister loves it) and other aren't. My work days are my easy days now! My second mat leave was in lockdown so the monotony was tenfold too. I did take the full year each time because I could and started to enjoy it a bit more at the end as they got bigger and could do more but going back to work was a relief, don't feel bad about it.

GettinPiggyWithIt · 30/07/2022 07:15

I’m really grateful I had the chance but my son is autistic and my husband works a away a lot to I’ve never managed to get back to work for those reasons

anybody doing it long term like me is a mug

I feel like a skivvy
nobody will give me an interview

anotherscroller · 30/07/2022 07:19

I went back part time at 5 months and full time at 9 months and it was great! Definitely the best thing for us. My DD settling in to nursery like a duck to water was a big factor in it.
For me, going back to work is all about what the childcare situation is. If it’s good and DC is happy, I’m happy. If they’re not settled, I’d rather put up with the boredom and stay at home with them.
there are so many factors… it’s not just about whether it’s boring or not. Or if you identify as a SAHM or not. Every situation is it’s own.

Wallywobbles · 30/07/2022 07:19

3 months is standard in France. I'd have lost the plot with more.

NerrSnerr · 30/07/2022 07:22

Some people love maternity leave and/ or being a SAHM and some people don't. It's absolutely fine to want to go back to work and don't feel guilty if you want to do it soon.

Do you get some time for yourself when your husband, parter or baby's dad isn't working? I found having a couple of hours at the weekend where I could go out (or they went out and I stayed home) made such a difference to be when I was on maternity leave and gave me a chance to just be me.

cptartapp · 30/07/2022 07:25

Mat leave was the most challenging, boring time of my life. I put them in nursery pt at four and five months respectively and went back to work. Instantly felt 100% better.
That was nearly 20 years ago now and never a single regret. I preserved my sanity and my pension looks great. DC are smart, independent teens off to uni.
People say they grow up too fast. I wasn't prepared to sit at home watching the clock, and don't feel I missed out on anything. The more enjoyable child rearing years came later.

GraceandMolly · 30/07/2022 07:28

I loved it. I went to baby swimming and all sorts of other classes. I met many new mums and we spent a lot of time eating cake and drinking coffee, going for walks together and visiting each other.
I found it important to have something scheduled to get out of the house few days a week and to meet with others. It would have been boring on my own with the baby.

PatientlyWaiting21 · 30/07/2022 07:28

Incognitopest · 29/07/2022 23:54

@Louise0701 i go to the gym most mornings, walk the dog. Keep the house tidy , go for a walk in the park in the afternoons. It all just feels a bit….same?
Can i ask what you do?

Not surprised you’re bored!

I take our daughter to swim lessons or just swimming, we go to the park, soft play, baby classes, play in the garden, visit farms, meet up with friends and family. This is my time with my daughter, it’s not a holiday for leisurely activities on my own. Don’t get me wrong I make time for myself either in the evening or weekend, but daytime is time to spend with my daughter doing things she and I both enjoy.

GeriTheBerry · 30/07/2022 07:37

Incognitopest · 29/07/2022 23:54

@Louise0701 i go to the gym most mornings, walk the dog. Keep the house tidy , go for a walk in the park in the afternoons. It all just feels a bit….same?
Can i ask what you do?

This does sound a bit boring. Could you do some more social things or things which are a bit less stereotypically mat leave? Galleries, museums, volunteering (lots of places are happy for you to bring a baby) etc. Just going to the park every day would drive me bananas.

Or go back to work?

Summerfun54321 · 30/07/2022 07:38

I cut my mat leave short and went back to work at 9 months. Then took a big chunk of time off work when my DC was 2-3 and really loved it. You don’t have to return to work and that’s it. You don’t have to be a full time worker or a full time SAHM. You can choose to enjoy being a parent more or work more at different times when the children are different ages depending on your finances and work circumstances. Just because you’re bored with a 9 month old at the moment, doesn’t mean you’ll feel that way when they’re talking and walking and have their own little opinions.

StClare101 · 30/07/2022 07:53

I also found it boring. Luckily I met some lovely people at mothers group and we would all meet for coffee or a walk 3-4 times a week.

I ran out of ideas for entertaining the baby to be honest. It felt very same same.

I went back to work four days a week when he was nine months old which was absolutely the right decision.

Second time around I went back to work when baby was ten months.

I enjoy them so much now they are in school. The baby and toddler years are tough!

sunsetsandsandybeaches · 30/07/2022 07:54

If you're doing the same things at the same times everyday, it's no wonder your bored.

Meet a friend for lunch.
Go have coffee and cake on your own.
Go to a petting zoo or local farm.
Go to the beach for the day and have fish and chips.

9 month olds are pretty portable so there's so much you could be doing.

ReeseWitherfork · 30/07/2022 08:02

Incognitopest · 30/07/2022 00:07

@WeneedtotalkaboutBrunobaby youre completely correct, it is dull.
i did try the baby groups etc, last week we went to a zoo….shes too young to enjoy a zoo. I can understand enjoying these things with a toddler but not so much a 9 month old

100%! Mat leave #1 was boring (despite doing a lot, it still revolved a baby who didn’t do much) and mat leave #2 is just as boring (even though I now have a toddler to keep me entertained plus two babies who do not give me more than a ten minute break).

For me it’s not whether I’m doing stuff, but rather than what I need to be doing is changing, feeding, burping, rocking a baby. And I find that very tedious.

But that period after babyhood is great fun! Toddlers are brilliant.