SAHM, what a bore?

[Incognitopest]

Apologies for the antagonistic title…to get traffic!

Im 9 months into mat leave, i absolutely love and adore my daughter but christ i find this monotonous. I could go back to work early but also know this is a once in a lifetime opportunity.

How do SAHM do it? Do you enjoy it or do you see it as a job? Im fortunate that we have a cleaner once a week, dog walker a few times, and i go to the gym solely because it has a creche.

Im so conflicted between being desperate to go back to work yet knowing i should be embracing these days with my baby. Every day feels so repetitive. Im guessing some people are made out for it more than others?

not sure what the AIBU is…. I guess aibu for struggling being a sahm whilst considering part time child care?

I’m baffled and slightly offended on the scorn poured on people by some posters for daring to enjoy their jobs.

”Using work to fill your time” is such a pejorative and spiteful phrase.

Can you not imagine that some might have jobs they find fulfilling and interesting and why is there something wrong with that?

I have to work because there’s no one to support me not to work so I am lucky I enjoy my job and I am not going to be made to feel bad about that by someone who has the luxury of not having to work, thanks very much.

Sorry, derail but I am really tired of people who don’t have to work being scornful about those of us who enjoy our careers.

I'm with you OP, my baby is 8 months old and I've found mat leave so boring. My baby needs constant entertainment when he's awake but he won't nap anywhere aside from at home in his own cot so we can't really get to classes etc as inevitably they clash with one of his naps (if not the actual clash then the journey to/from). I had quite a good NCT group but can rarely see him now because they meet over naptimes; their babies just sleep nicely in their prams and then chill out whilst they're awake, whereas my guy won't sleep and won't chill. Until a few weeks ago he screamed bloody murder every time we went in the car so couldn't really even drive anywhere. I've spent a lot of time wandering in the park near my house and I've stopped doing my shopping online as a trip to the Tesco constitutes a great afternoon's entertainment these days. He's also easily disturbed when he is napping so if I want to do chores when he sleeps I have to tiptoe around and skip the noisier ones like unloading the dishwasher. (And before someone comes along and says I've made a rod for my own back - we were noisy when he napped early on, he slept in the pram as a newborn etc. At some point these things stopped working and we accepted that if we wanted naps we either had to play by his rules or else endure an hour plus of exhausted screaming until he finally passed out.)

All this to say, I'm back to work at the end of next month and I'm very excited about it. I think I will be miles happier having some adult time and some mental stimulation in my life again.

I spent 8 happy years as a SAHM. Unlike you I didn't have a cleaner so I did housework as well as looking after kids. Once I had found other, like-minded "mummy friends" it was much better. I was out, often, at toddler groups etc. Don't get me wrong, some of it was repetitive like doing the same jigsaws over and over. But I wanted to be with them and not miss those moments, like first steps etc.

But even outside of that, there’s a bazillion things you can do without a baby and a limited number with a baby (and that number goes down even further if you’ve not got an easy baby). Maternity leave isn’t a weekend or a week of annual leave, it’s looking after a baby, and plenty of people find that boring. Give me a year off of work without a baby and I’d have a whale of a time!! (And I love my job!)

It's astounding reading through these responses to see just how many people have been gaslit and brainwashed into thinking that having a job gives you purpose, more purpose than being a mother to a child you CHOSE to bring into the world. These babies didn't ask to be here but you gladly leave them in childcare because it's "boring"? The bosses and shareholders of your companies are laughing up their sleeves at you. When did our society become so broken that mother's feel they have no purpose unless it's grinding for a payslip. If you NEED to work for the money, do that. But if you can have freedom to spend time with your child, see them grow, nurture them - do it. Nobody on their death bed wishes they spent more time at the office. And if you find being a SAHM boring, that's on you. Life is what you make it. Only boring people are bored.

Can you not imagine that some might have jobs they find fulfilling and interesting and why is there something wrong with that?

Nobody's saying you can't enjoy your work, though.

But it is odd when people make their work their identity and can't seem to cope without it. I love my job but I also love my time off and I don't feel bored or fed up when I'm not at work for a while.

I love it! We're out every day usually from morning til tea time. Partly because I'd be bored being stuck in the house and it would be a long day. My friend has a baby of a similar age so we do a lot of things together, and we go places with my mum and visit my MIL. I don't find it boring at all BUT I have a lot of help and we're kept really busy. I'm not sure how I'd find it being stuck at home trying to get the day in.

I'd been WFH since covid hit and without going to the office every day I started to find my job more boring than ever. I'm so grateful to be able to stay at home.

I think it's an interesting assumption that no-one has a job with purpose and that everyone works for for profit companies. What about people who run their own businesses? What about people whose job is helping others? Teaching, providing medical care, working for charities, finding cures for diseases?

I think everyone is different. My DS is 8 months and I only have just over a month of mat leave left due to finances. I abso love love love being on mat leave and would love to be a SAHM. My job is okay I don’t hate it I just love being with my baby, doing whatever we fancy whenever and generally a slower way of life.

On my deathbed I'll be glad I did what made me happiest. And twenty years on, I can still say in those early years I was happier at work.
NHS nurse.

I was mind numbingly bored 2nd time around on mat leave , to the point I went back to work full time at 6 months.
First time around I loved maternity leave, I had lots of friends off on mat leave at the same time, it was perfect.
2nd time around it was school runs, lashing with rain, winter and boring.
DD went to nursery full time when I went back at six months , no regrets at all.

I was the same OP I love my son but raising a baby isn't intellectually stimulating, I felt like my brain was turning to mush. To be honest if you have a montonous job that doesn't reward or challenge you, I can see the appeal of not working, but if you do something you are passionate about, gives you intellectual challenge and broadens your world view you're not going to get the same things at home with small children.

I went back after 5 months with my second. I absolutely love my job and it's a part of who I am along with being a 'mum'. I need a mix of both. I work 3 days a week and have a 1 and 3 yr old. Seems to work well right now.

No one is unreasonable. Some parents love being at home, some prefer working. It's all about how you feel.
I think the saying happy mum=happy baby is very true.
I loved being a SAHM, even when my older children were at school. I just liked being there for them in the afternoon and holidays.
Going back to full time hours recently was hard. I miss all my children, especially my yoyngest but weekends are more family focused than they used to be. Time is more precious because there's less of it.
Whatever you decide work wise doesn't make you a bad mum.

How has this turned into “why do you need to work to be fulfilled; you should be happy being away from work” discussion. OP is on mat leave. Mat leave ≠ leisurely time off work to do whatever. The point isn’t “if I’m not working then I’m bored” but rather “I find looking after a baby boring”. It’s a bold statement on the surface, but I guarantee a lot of women (who later go on to find their children very entertaining!!!) can relate.

Why is it only mothers whose purpose it is to raise children? My son goes to nursery 2 days a week and loves it, he is happy, secure and very interested in mummy's work (very sanitised version) , it's important that he gripped up realising women are not just carers, is also important that he gripped up learning that some people do things for the benefit of society/others. If I didn't do the job I do, you and other members of the public would be in danger and at significant risk of harm. I condense my hours and so does my husband. We have equal time with OUR child.

*grows up

So much judgement towards women. Such a narrow view of complex situations. I chose to have kids and be a mother- I didn't choose to give up my entire identify to become 'mum'. My kids have two parents (shocker) and childcare is shared (shocker) between said parents! I still go to work which is beyond fulfilling but don't panic... I still do the ironing and cook a roast dinner too. My kids have balance in their lives- time with mum, dad, grandparents and nursery (uh oh!). No-one on their death bed wishes they did something differently because of judgement on an Internet forum. On my death bed I'll be looking back on my kids and a career that make me proud. Hopefully.

I love my job. Some days are hard and I daydream about being a lady of leisure, but overall my job gives me immense satisfaction and contributes so much to my life - and I feel that I am contributing something important to the wider world.

I took a full year Mat leave with my DC1, but I wasn’t cut out for it. I need a bit of structure to my days and I desperately needed to do something that wasn’t about babies and housework. With DC2, I only took 6 months and even then, I was gagging to get back out there in the world. My life felt small at home.

Different strokes, though. I’m naturally quite lazy and indecisive when left to my own devices, so I need the structure and motivation of work to fire me up. I seem to achieve so much more wit days when I’m working. Staying at home it was a struggle to know how to fill each day. Being a SAHM isn’t the sane thing as being a millionaire lady of leisure, is it? You’ve got kids to look after and domestic stuff to do, and I didn’t want that to be my only pursuit.

I did loads with mine when he was little. We were out every morning by 9am doing something. But yes, I honestly found it boring.
Luckily I love my job and went back to work 2 days a week from 5 months (normal back in the day).

I was a SAHM for a long time and mostly enjoyed it. Sometimes it was boring; sometimes it was hard work but then so are most jobs. Like a pp I was a teacher and I knew, for me, it was something I couldn't juggle with a young family. If I'd had a 'quieter' job I might have gone back at least part time.

I did 2 or 3 baby group things a week so they were regular things then meet friends etc. With my first 2 family were far away but would come and stay or I could go there for a few days without waiting for the hols.

I also took advantage of having membership of places - usually under 3s are free so you only need a pass for yourself. Means you can pop in to places for an hour or so whenever you feel like it/have time. At one point we had them for an aquarium, a local attraction and the NT. I listened to the radio a lot including loads of R4!

If your DC is happy in the gym creche then can you extend their time there so you can have a coffee and do some studying then?

Having said all that if you're not enjoying it I'd go back to work. There's no medals for being a SAHM. I had loads of time at home with mine and I don't regret it but I don't look back and think it would have been worse to work for any of us, just different.

100% this...tried the baby groups both mat leaves, so dull, there are only so many coffee meet ups you can do. Couldn't wait to go back to work full time after 6 months and have worked full time ever since (love my job) and I think I am a good role model for DD's (now 21 &17!). I appreciate we are all different and hopefully most people can do what makes them happy 😊

Although I was busy too when I was briefly a sahm I found my brain needed a bit more stimulation so I went back to work. It is boring imo.

I was the same, struggled with lack of adult company and stimulation work gave. I went back early with both my kids, part time for a couple of years and it made me cherish the time off with them.

Mate, it’s sooooo boring. My mat leave was in lockdown #1 admittedly so literally nothing was open, but it was so tedious I went back to work at four months PP, only four days a week. I adore my work though, and was already working in the evenings after bedtime. I was very fortunate to have the world’s best sleeping baby, too, which made my choices very simple.

I have one full weekday with him and we go on adventures.