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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Adults only party

235 replies

Lostmywaysomuch · 29/07/2022 19:22

Recently been invited to a big party (25th wedding anniversary) on DHs side of the family. It sounds like it'll be fabulous, its a party abroad, at an exclusive venue for adults only. Would require at least 3 days/2 nights away from home.

It feels a bit much for guests to have to get childcare for DC4 and DC7 for at least 3 full days over a long weekend. For context, there is no family we can leave DC with as all DH family will be at the party and there is noone on my side who can do it. So AIBU to feel a bit sidelined that I'll probably have to stay at home with DC while DH attends the party on his own?

OP posts:
timeisnotaline · 30/07/2022 11:21

if these child free stays away were regular my Dh would just have taken a year off them when each baby was born, and go to max one a year or change job. But my pil did try to organise a ‘blood family only’ night out and me and at least one other sil with several young dc and babies said no thanks to our dhs and they changed it to all family.

AliceMcK · 30/07/2022 11:26

WidgetDigit2022 · 29/07/2022 23:53

I hope your children in law don't act in the same way as you would!

How would you feel if your son didn't attend your anniversary because his wife said he can't go if she can't.

It's very controlling.

Show quote history

The difference is I wouldn’t arrange a family event that would exclude one of my childrens partners, they are family too whether I personally like them or not. I also hope I don’t raise any of my children to treat their partners with such disrespect as the Ops husband is, I’d absolutely be ashamed if I did.

justfiveminutes · 30/07/2022 12:26

NippyWoowoo · 30/07/2022 10:57

I'm child free and wouldn't go to this. Big events are really important to the people involved, not to anyone else. Ridiculous to expect anyone else to pony up that much money for something that really only matters to you.

What if it's not an expectation, just an invitation, with invitees free to accept or decline. Are those events ok?

RampantIvy · 30/07/2022 12:34

I hope your children in law don't act in the same way as you would! How would you feel if your son didn't attend your anniversary because his wife said he can't go if she can't.

She isn't controlling at all. Are you the MIL? I would hope that most in-laws wouldn't act in the same way as the OP's inlaws.

Kite22 · 30/07/2022 12:45

justfiveminutes · 30/07/2022 08:51

They have organised the party at a place that is important to them, that they visit every year, yet you are upset that it is adult-only as if it is a personal attack.

They have organised it for, presumably, the time of their anniversary, yet you are upset that you would need to take your kids out of school as if that too is a personal attack.

I cannot see what they have done wrong. They have suggested that you find childcare and it is hardly their fault that your parents aren't able to do it and that you don't have good friends. They have suggested that you stay in a different hotel and get local childcare for the evening and it is not really their fault that you are unwilling to do this.

Were they supposed to organise it for the school holidays to accommodate you, even though it's not their anniversary then and everything would be more expensive? Choose a different resort even though this is the one that has been special to them for years?

You might need to inconvenience yourself a bit to attend or, if you don't want to, skip it and accept that that was your choice. Book a child free trip to see your sister in Sweden to compensate and have your own party.

This

DH will be the only one of his siblings there on his own if I don't go.

He won't exactly be on his own though will he? He will be with his 4 siblings, his siblings partners, his teen and grown up nieces and nephews, his parents, presumably Aunts, Uncles, long standing family friends.

It is interesting how you have gone from "PiLs have arranged this especially to exclude me" to "MiL will be offended if I don't go" as the overwhelming majority have said YABU (odd counting as well to say 1/2 and 1/2 Hmm )

GriseldaPlum · 30/07/2022 15:40

Won't husband feel a bit of a spair part, everyone else in couples and not him?

A spare part? In his own family? That he's been an integral part of since he was born?

ittakes2 · 30/07/2022 16:10

You find a hotel with a kids club and get childcare for them during the party. The childcare is usually hotel staff. We have twins and when very young would get two childcare assistants so I knew they had one to one.

rookiemere · 30/07/2022 16:29

ittakes2 · 30/07/2022 16:10

You find a hotel with a kids club and get childcare for them during the party. The childcare is usually hotel staff. We have twins and when very young would get two childcare assistants so I knew they had one to one.

What a fun holiday for OP Hmm.
Staying in a separate hotel from everyone else - which presumably she'd need to pay for - and doing childcare for the entire time, except the day she got to leave her DCs with strangers for the entire day.

What about the DH , would he stay with OP or in the already paid for child free hotel with everyone else ?

ILs have chosen a child free venue. Fair enough- their choice, but I wouldn't be busting a gut to come to their event if I was OP.

ITakeCharge · 30/07/2022 16:39

It might be a stretch to think they are deliberately excluding you but if they arrange things 4 times a year that your DH attends without you then they must realize there are childcare issues so for the Ibiza party they just don't care enough about you attending to find a way to make it possible for you. Yes, their party, their choice, it's not all about you etc etc. However moving forward I would be showing these people the same amount of care and consideration they have shown me and I sure as anything wouldn't be visiting them at Christmas and nor would I be hosting them, I'd be spending time with my own family and friends who care more about me. I'd let DH deal with his family, including "wifework" such as cards, presents etc and I would just disengage from them and be civil at events where I couldn't avoid them. I wouldn't be jumping through hoops to get their favour, they have shown how much they care already. They may not actively dislike you but you are just not on their radar.

Original poster
Lostmywaysomuch · 30/07/2022 16:41

I've told MIL this afternoon that I can't attend but that DH is going. He can then go for 4 days and enjoy himself without messy childcare arrangements and I'll find nice things to do at home for the weekend with DC.

MIL is now acting like I've not tried hard enough but so be it.

OP posts:
hesttreat · 30/07/2022 16:42

Lostmywaysomuch · 30/07/2022 16:41

I've told MIL this afternoon that I can't attend but that DH is going. He can then go for 4 days and enjoy himself without messy childcare arrangements and I'll find nice things to do at home for the weekend with DC.

MIL is now acting like I've not tried hard enough but so be it.

Why is your DH not dealing with it? He told her you were all going and it's his family.

Original poster
Lostmywaysomuch · 30/07/2022 16:54

DH only told his DM that he was going, he never asked me about it before replying to her and he only replied to say he was going.

OP posts:
RockinHorseShit · 30/07/2022 16:54

Without a huge backstory, you are being totally ridiculous to think that they have arrange a big celebration party just to avoid you.

They don't want kids there, thats their choice. It's nothing personal to you, just what happens to work best when nobody else has small kids & I totally understand having brought up small DCs wanting an adult only party.

You are being too precious, it's not about you , it's about celebrating a special event how they choose to & you just happen to be the only one it doesn't suit

ReallyIrish · 30/07/2022 16:55

I agree with your mother in law it sounds like you've made no effort because you want to be offended.
You're getting annoyed at the wrong person here, your dh should be making all efforts to make it work for both of you. Sounds like he always will choose events with his family over his wife.

Also though this sort of thing is what happens with young kids. Your inlaws will have said no or compromised for lots of things you've no idea about when theirs were young and you both would've been young and child free. The issue here is your lack of childcare and assistance from your dh.

PlentyOFool · 30/07/2022 17:03

"What about the DH , would he stay with OP or in the already paid for child free hotel with everyone else?"

As a PP put it. I have a feeling that wouldn't suit him AT ALL. You have a DH problem Lostmywaysomuch.

I'm not sure why other PPs are giving you so much grief. You are clearly the very bottom of the totem pole in this family. If it was a once off, I'd obviously suck it up, but your circumstances are never considering it seems, and your DH is totally fine with that. Do you ever get to take off for a bit, go see your sister in Sweden for example, while he stays home with the kids?

hesttreat · 30/07/2022 17:06

Lostmywaysomuch · 30/07/2022 16:54

DH only told his DM that he was going, he never asked me about it before replying to her and he only replied to say he was going.

So he knew you weren't going but didn't tell his DM?

Why not?

Goldbar · 30/07/2022 17:13

Lostmywaysomuch · 30/07/2022 16:54

DH only told his DM that he was going, he never asked me about it before replying to her and he only replied to say he was going.

I would definitely tell your DH that you're having a weekend away with friends that weekend, so what's he going to do about childcare?

Let him stew for a while.

Original poster
Lostmywaysomuch · 30/07/2022 17:14

I've not had a weekend away by myself since before DC4 was born but that's because of circumstances, lockdowns etc. I'm seeing Dsis later this year. She's had 3 DC in quick sucession and not wanted visitors or to travel for the last couple of years. That's not really relevant here.

DH replied to accept on behalf of himself before checking with me and before realising it would mean leaving DC for 3 nights. He's really bad with logistics and pretty much always does what his DM wants anyway regardless of how it impacts me.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lostmywaysomuch · 30/07/2022 17:19

Anyway thanks for all the viewpoints. Interesting to see how many though IWBU and how many didn't.

I'll definitely be letting DH deal with the fallout from this. Its just one in a long series of things that make me feel unwelcome on his side of the family.

OP posts:
SheldonesqueTheBstard · 30/07/2022 17:22

In this case, I would tell him that you're also planning to be away that weekend so what's he going to do about arranging childcare?

This would piss me off, whereas I would be fine about the actual party. He's assuming childcare is solely your responsibility.

You’ve said what I was feeling Goldbar

I’d be more annoyed about his assumptions than the party too.

Goldbar · 30/07/2022 17:23

I'd do more than let him deal with the fallout.

I'd message MIL, copying "D"H, that you will of course be delighted to attend since your husband will be organising childcare.

SheldonesqueTheBstard · 30/07/2022 17:24

Quality Goldbar

timeisnotaline · 30/07/2022 17:25

So Dh has replied, there is no reason he also can’t reply that this would mean taking the kids for 3 nights and finding a babysitter over there whcih won’t work, so you won’t be able to go. Personally I’d be done communicating with her so he can reply or nobody can.
but really, you have a Dh problem. And you could disappear for a weekend on your own, you don’t need to wait till your sister wants visitors although that will be nice too!

Goldbar · 30/07/2022 17:26

And end the message "No doubt it will be relatively easy for DH to find someone to look after our DC for 3 days so we're so excited about celebrating with you on the 18th" (or whatever).

PurpleWisteria · 30/07/2022 17:29

You are getting a hard time here, OP. I don't understand why people are being so unpleasant to you.

You feel hurt, rightly so. But it won't get any better while your DH doesn't have your back. He should have said he didn't want to go without you. He's being very selfish by letting you be treated so poorly.