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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Adults only party

235 replies

Lostmywaysomuch · 29/07/2022 19:22

Recently been invited to a big party (25th wedding anniversary) on DHs side of the family. It sounds like it'll be fabulous, its a party abroad, at an exclusive venue for adults only. Would require at least 3 days/2 nights away from home.

It feels a bit much for guests to have to get childcare for DC4 and DC7 for at least 3 full days over a long weekend. For context, there is no family we can leave DC with as all DH family will be at the party and there is noone on my side who can do it. So AIBU to feel a bit sidelined that I'll probably have to stay at home with DC while DH attends the party on his own?

OP posts:
Grumpybutfunny · 30/07/2022 09:18

I would drop the kids 6hours away (could you even fly with them) and go to Ibiza. Alternatively do you have any siblings or cousins etc that would like a 4 day paid trip to Ibiza if they do 12hours baby sitting.

I don't agree with child free weddings or parties as kids are the most important part of the family, our family would never not invite the kids but then we aren't OTT on PDA etc so the kids just join in as mini versions of us.

FawnFrenchieMum · 30/07/2022 09:24

If I’m reading it right it’s the hotel that adult only, not specifically the party? If so I think they have just found a gorgeous hotel that they wanted to stay at for their anniversary. Certainly not thought let’s have a party and exclude Lost.
Honestly, I have children and would love to spend a weekend in an adult only resort. No way would I want to spend my special weekend in a family resort.

burnoutbabe · 30/07/2022 09:27

FawnFrenchieMum · 30/07/2022 09:24

If I’m reading it right it’s the hotel that adult only, not specifically the party? If so I think they have just found a gorgeous hotel that they wanted to stay at for their anniversary. Certainly not thought let’s have a party and exclude Lost.
Honestly, I have children and would love to spend a weekend in an adult only resort. No way would I want to spend my special weekend in a family resort.

I probably would too.

But then I'd not also invite my children knowing they have small kids they can't bring!

Won't husband feel a bit of a spair part, everyone else in couples and not him?

doodleygirl · 30/07/2022 09:30

You have more of a DH issue than a PIL issue. Your DH enables your in laws to ignore you as he doesn’t seem to care if you and the DC are at these various events.

finished31 · 30/07/2022 09:32

Movingsoon21 · 29/07/2022 20:37

OP Yanbu, it’s very odd of PIL to organise a family celebration that they know some family won’t be able to make. If they valued you, they would have looked into this venue as an option and then realised “oh no, we can’t have it here as then DIL and DGC won’t be able to make it. Better look elsewhere!” But they didn’t, they booked it anyway.

What kind of crap grandparents don’t want their grandchildren at a wedding anniversary party? So shit of them. My parents have a big anniversary coming up and they will plan their family celebrations around making sure their 2 baby grandchildren can be there. Because they love them and very much see them as part of the family!

in future you should definitely dial back any effort you currently make with them. Hope DH has your back, I’d be gutted if my parents planned a party they knew DH and DC couldn’t make 😔

100% this. They sound like horrible people!

I wouldn't leave my DC's with strangers in a foreign country for a party either.

Original poster
Lostmywaysomuch · 30/07/2022 09:35

The hotel and the party are adults only. The party will be at the hotel, some kind of pool/bbq type thing during the day and then music/drinks/canapes etc for the evening.

DH will be the only one of his siblings there on his own if I don't go.

OP posts:
burnoutbabe · 30/07/2022 09:37

How much though is the whole costing?

Surely nice adults only hotel in Ibiza is pricy plus flights ?

Can you as a couple afford this?

season2 · 30/07/2022 09:42

That sounds mean organising a party where kids can't attend, I'm sure they're aware that it will make it very difficult. My kids are a bit older and id probably be happy to leave them for a night but not three nights of paid childcare.

Similarly I'm not the closest with my in-laws and I know I'm not their favourite person but they'd want their grandkids to attend and wouldn't organise something that excluded them (no concerns with me though!).

Goldbar · 30/07/2022 09:45

Tell your DH you're looking forward to it and what childcare has he organised for DC?

VerveClique · 30/07/2022 10:00

I can’t believe some of the responses here!!

Setup sounds similar to my DHs family who love each other and get along but for various reasons simply couldn’t do something like this.

I’m this situation I would:

Either:

  1. Call in every favour possible and promise many in return to be able to go with my DH. An adults only party with a trip to Ibiza for a few days sounds absolutely gorgeous, and the stuff that good marriages and good family relationships are made of; or
  2. if 1. Really isn’t possible/desirable, wave him off and wish him a really good time with his family, demanding that he sends lots of cool pictures and video calls the kids a few times
there’s simply no need for the passive aggression here. Kids need to know that sometimes, mum and dad do lovely things for themselves too, either separately or together.

Embrace the quite reasonable-sounding family that you have, and go with it. They’ll be other things in the future that you can do with the kids in tow.

hesttreat · 30/07/2022 10:01

Lostmywaysomuch · 30/07/2022 09:10

I'm not saying PIL have done anything wrong at all but MIL will be offended if I decline the invitation, and yet its been made very difficult for me to accept it due to the location, timing, expense and need for childcare.

If PIL had mentioned to me that they were not expecting me to come, or at least acknowledged it might be difficult it wouldn't be so bad, but they're just contantly reminding us that we need to book our flights and not even asked about how we'll arrange childcare. They made it clear they expect us to leave DC at home. The invitation says "party from 23rd to 25th September at X hotel which is an adults only venue". I've looked it up and the hotel doesn't allow under 18s at all.

So are sone of their cousins under 18, you e said older teens, are they all 18+? Maybe they could help out?

poetryandwine · 30/07/2022 10:03

You’ve now given us the back story: DH accepts invitations from his DM several times a year and the implication is that he attends solo. He accepted this big one without even consulting you. I would be furious.

Your biggest problem is with DH.

Your DC are young. I would take them out of school for the Friday and book into a family friendly place on Ibiza for the weekend. How you arrange child care for the party itself is secondary; it is doable.

GabriellaMontez · 30/07/2022 10:04

they're just contantly reminding us that we need to book our flights

What do you sat to this? Are you totally honest? "We don't have anyone to look after the children for 3 nights, you already know this as it's the reason we haven't been to any of your other 'family' trips"

Polimolly · 30/07/2022 10:08

It sounds like you are looking for excuses to be offended.

You can either not go, or find a nanny here via an agency, or take a UK babysitter with you to Ibiza, or find a local (Ibiza) babysitter there. If the issue is the cost, that's not your PIL's fault. If your child is not happy with strangers, then hire someone from his nursery!

You are really making this about you when it's not!

Hoping22 · 30/07/2022 10:09

Your PIL want their marriage and family unit to be celebrated whilst at the same time showing a complete lack of respect for your nuclear family.
Do not let them meddle in your family unit.
I would decline the whole invitation and explain none of you can attend due to lack of childcare. Suggest that you would still like to take them out to dinner on their return with your nuclear family (DH & children)… your treat. That way you have the upper hand.

Whatsthisallaboutconfused · 30/07/2022 10:14

Honestly OP I do feel for you and in your position I’d be sad to miss out as I love big family gatherings, but it isn’t all about you. Your PILs are organising the event they want and that’s the way the cookie crumbles this time. If MIL is annoyed you can’t come then she is a massive cock and you just need to ignore it. I don’t actually believe anyone could be that unreasonable in reality though . Do make sure you get your own 3 day weekend away somewhere at some point though xx

Whatsthisallaboutconfused · 30/07/2022 10:15

Ps of course your DH should go. Would be incredibly petty joy to let him. I can’t imagine stopping my own DH in this situation. Would be very dog in the manger

justfiveminutes · 30/07/2022 10:16

Lostmywaysomuch · 30/07/2022 09:10

I'm not saying PIL have done anything wrong at all but MIL will be offended if I decline the invitation, and yet its been made very difficult for me to accept it due to the location, timing, expense and need for childcare.

If PIL had mentioned to me that they were not expecting me to come, or at least acknowledged it might be difficult it wouldn't be so bad, but they're just contantly reminding us that we need to book our flights and not even asked about how we'll arrange childcare. They made it clear they expect us to leave DC at home. The invitation says "party from 23rd to 25th September at X hotel which is an adults only venue". I've looked it up and the hotel doesn't allow under 18s at all.

Well you did imply several times that they had done something wrong by sidelining you.

Now your primary concern is that they'll be offended if you don't go?

Well the only way they could be offended is if you do actually have options to attend but won't take them.

If, as you say, there is no one to look after them while you attend, or that you can't afford to stay in a different hotel and pay local childcare, then they can't be offended and if they are - get your dh to explain it to them.

And perhaps your dh could have a quiet word about the number of child-free events they plan over the year and how much he would like you all there for at least some future events.

TheGoogleMum · 30/07/2022 10:17

On one hand I doubt they've planned it to be inconvenient for you on purpose, on the other yes I agree it's annoying and if they keep doing things like this it suggests to me they aren't that bothered about seeing their grandkids! Surely they could have just as easily had a party including the kids and then it would be much easier for them to get the whole family together. They are entitled to male that choice of course but its annoying and a pity they dont want to see their grandchildren i think (my parents would never do this! They love seeing their grandchildren. My MIL might she blew us off recently to hang out with her boyfriend. I don't think FIL would do this he loves seeing DD)

EL8888 · 30/07/2022 10:26

Why should they have to make their celebration child friendly. It’s their wedding anniversary and they can make it how they like. You chose to have children and sometimes you miss out on stuff because of them. That’s just the way it is sometimes

But you husband should have discussed it, rather than just agreeing to go without you

SarahSissions · 30/07/2022 10:34

you say MIL will be offended if you don’t go- and then say you feel like you have been sidelined. It can’t be both!
you are looking for a reason to be offended and sound a bit exhausting

NippyWoowoo · 30/07/2022 10:57

I'm child free and wouldn't go to this. Big events are really important to the people involved, not to anyone else. Ridiculous to expect anyone else to pony up that much money for something that really only matters to you.

TenoringBehind · 30/07/2022 10:58

Dh should go and you should have 3 nights away, child-free, another weekend.

Brefugee · 30/07/2022 11:06

It's just one of those things. It's obviously the party the ILs want, and as the rules go "your party, your rules".

Of course they may be purposely excluding you - in which case why would you want to go to a party for people who don't like you? What is the outcome you want here?
Do you want your DH to say "fuck that, don't be mean to my wife I'm not coming??" (to his mother?)
Do you want the ILs to completely re-arrange so that your children can go?
Do you want your DH to go alone so you can hold it over his head for ever and ever so that you can beat him up with it?
Do you want your DH to say "sorry, it is what it is, I'll go and you can have a weekend away another time"?

timeisnotaline · 30/07/2022 11:19

They do child free events involving going away 4 times a year and your dh always goes AS WELL as he works away once a month? Bloody hell. I wouldn’t have the time of day for them- ‘I don’t know why you’re surprised mil you have been organising things I can’t go to as we don’t have childcare non stop for years now, my friends all think you must really dislike me chuckle chuckle.

but you have a massive Dh problem. It’s not like you have a breastfeeding baby, I’d be very very tempted to have a bag packed and walk out as he comes in one Friday night, saying see you when I see you, by myself calculation this marriage and your family owes me several months of solitude. Ciao. And take a week off with your phone off.