Groping in a marriage

[Bnxybee]

(Sorry, feel like all I do on here is whinge)

I'm basically sick of my husband groping me and nagging me for sex. We have sex maybe once a week and even then I have to force myself. He says twice a week is the norm for most married couples. I disagree.

If I bend over, he has to slap my arse. It wasn’t an issue at the start of our relationship but now it just irritates me. Especially when he does it around DS (which he knows I don’t like!). If I go into the kitchen to do dishes, he’ll follow me and want a full on snog fest. If I say I'm going for a shower, he’ll make a crude comment. If we’re sat as family in the living room watching kids shows, he’ll mouth a dirty comment to me. It doesn’t turn me on. It annoys me. I can’t put my feet up on him on the sofa without him thinking I’m initiating sex and trying to put his hands between my legs! When I turn him down, he acts like a wounded puppy!

I was really honest with him last night and told him that the more full on he is, the less I want it. He said that if he didn’t ask, he’d never get it as I’ve only initiated sex twice in the last two/three months (true!). I just told him to be less full on. This morning, it was like the conversation never happened.

Him acting like a horny teenager all the time is actually giving me the ick!

Anyone else?

[Circleofshells]

@Bnxybee sorry to read this, it sounds awful. Do you want to stay with him?

[Coffeaddict]

That is gross and as you say a massive turn off. Is he aware of the fact that it's not the 1920s and women are not the property of their husbands?

I would reiterate every time he starts that crap that you find it very unsexy. And to stop. I would almost stop giving into the once a week fuck until he can learn to co trol himself. But honestly I would mabey start reconsidering my choices and consider leaving if he didn't improve.

Also WTF behaving like that in front of child, way to be a crap role model.

[BigCheeseSandwich]

this is awful - just reading it makes me feel claustrophobic and creeped out. Why are you with him?

[Triffid1]

Yuck. DH goes through phases of groping that are significantly less invasive than what you are talking about here and I hate it. How you cope with this without kicking him the balls while telling him he's assaulting you, I don't know.

[Triffid1]

Also, I have to ask - while you're doing the dishes, what is he doing? Because is there anything MORE off-putting than a man who wants constant sex but can't even be bothered to do a few chores round the house? It would be a hell of a lot sexier if he said, "no darling, you sit down and relax, and I'll wash the dishes". I bet you'd feel more in the mood then!!

[Cantbeliveyoufakeit]

I agree with PP you should stop having sex with him altogether, no one should be having sex they don't want anyway but he needs to see cause and effect. Next time he initiates sex at a time when you would usually respond say 'sorry DH I can't, I'm still turned off from when you tried to grope me earlier', and repeat every time until he stops.

Fundamentally it's about respect though, he has no respect for you or your bodily autonomy and knowing that is bound to chip away at your love for him. He probably needs to hear that too tbh, the question is whether he will listen.

[MrsMcisaCt]

Why are you 'forcing yourself' to have sex with him? That is not right. As for all the other stuff, especially in front of your DS - it all sounds revolting to me. Are you compatible in any way at all? I couldn't put up with his behaviour, sorry.

[SirenSays]

Have you had a real chat about what does turn you on? How you want him to initiate? Waiting 3 months for you to initiate or you sleeping with him when you don't want to, it can't keep happening. Presuming you want to stay with him and do want some kind of sex life. What will make that easier for you? More help around the house, getting a babysitter, a lovely massage, date nights?

[DorothyZbornakIsAQueen]

Smacking your arse in front of your son is gross. He will grow up thinking this is how women should be treated.

You have told him his constant pestering is a turn off but he's ignoring you. That would fuck me off no end. It's completely disrespectful behaviour.

He's also a bit think if he doesn't get that less pestering would equal more sex.

So he's thick as well as a disrespectful sex pest. Urgh.

[PinkyFlamingo]

Why are you forcing yourself to have sex anyway?

[DahliaDreamer]

Ugh my exH was a groper. I couldn't even get into the house and take my coat off before he had his hand between my legs and he was always grabbing my books and making crude remarks, I also hated having sex with him but he felt it was his right and the cause of him not getting it was my inadequacy. I absolutely hated him by the time I divorced him. Here's a LTB from me.

[TheFormidableMrsC]

My ex-h used to do this. In front of the kids, in front of his parents or friends. It was so off putting and like you say, had the opposite effect. When we were walking from the hospital to the car with our newborn who was 9.5 lbs when he was born the day before, he asked me when we could "have a shag". I couldn't believe what I was hearing.

It never got any better, DS was a nightmare baby who rarely had more than 45 mins sleep a night and it nearly killed me. Still he pestered on and on and on. Eventually he had an affair (later found out multiple affairs) and left. It was my fault obviously, because I refused to put out every single day which was what he wanted. Pathetic man child. Oh and DS was conceived by "stealthing". I didn't realise it was a crime.

This won't get any better and my advice to you is to consider your relationship. It may be worth exploring counselling but he clearly doesn't see being a sex pest is an issue. Personally I'd be getting rid and maybe one day finding somebody who can show you some respect.

[TheGoogleMum]

Im married in myn30s. We do not have sex twice a week. More like twice a month? We maybe did that when we were a new couple (and students with less responsibilities and plenty of energy) but twice a week is a lot to me!

[Mally100]

Gross. He is sexually harassing you. He has no right to anything from you. I would use the words sexual harassment when you are speaking to him. He needs to know what a pervert he is to you.

[gogohmm]

@TheGoogleMum


It varies a lot, there's no normal 2-3 times a week is my experience and I'm a lot older (so only issue with kids is then coming back from late shift at midnight or texting tk say they are staying at their boyfriends)

[Daddydog]

@Triffid1

Also, I have to ask - while you're doing the dishes, what is he doing? Because is there anything MORE off-putting than a man who wants constant sex but can't even be bothered to do a few chores round the house? It would be a hell of a lot sexier if he said, "no darling, you sit down and relax, and I'll wash the dishes". I bet you'd feel more in the mood then!!

I discovered when it's my turn to don a pair of marigolds I become the sexiest man alive in my wife's eyes! Decluttering a cupboard takes me days as she keeps dragging me off to the bedroom 🤣I think our daughter was conceived the day I came home with a new Dyson and couldn't stop vacuming!

[grey12]

You don't seem to match your partner at all ☹️

He does seem full on 😵‍💫 but you seem the exact opposite 🤷🏻‍♀️

All this means you really need to consider your relationship because it isn't going to get better..... you'll both just grow more resentful

[ifonly4]

No wonder you're off sex with him. Not as if he's doing it whilst walking past and paying you a compliment, ie you look good in those trousers and then he can't resist a gentle(!) squeeze. At least that might make you feel good, but you must feel like a sex machine and you certainly can't relax if you feel he's on at you the slightest chance. Also, there's a limit as to what you should risk children seeing. A cuddle or quick kiss because you love someone is fine, but you don't want your DS growing up thinking that's how you treat women.

Are you really happy, other than this? If so, keep trying to talk to him - I'd be asking him to rein in it, but also asking for some quality time that isn't about sex - maybe date night at home - a film and nice nibbles, a nice tea and a drink when DS goes to bed. Also, explain how he's making you feel. You want to feel special or attractive because you are, not because he's after sex constantly.

[Thinkingblonde]

Your body is not his property, he needs to be made well clear on this.
if you don’t want it, its the biggest turn off ever.

[Thinkingblonde]

A friend of mine bent over to adjust the satellite machine. Her husband thought he had the right to pull her pants down and shove his pen is up her arse, well he tried, she turned around and clocked him across the face with the remote controls, he never did it again.

[BeeDavis]

Do you find your husband attractive? Because it seems to me like you don’t. Me and my husband are very gropey and touchy feely. He clearly still finds you attractive, I feel bad for the poor sod. You’d be better off leaving him and letting him find someone more on his level.

[Spohn]

@Thinkingblonde trying to tell a story about a rape attempt as a funny little anecdote is sickening.

OP that man preying on you, coercing sex, and demonstrating sex acts in front of kids is reprehensible. Would you not prefer to be rid of him?

[PinkButtercups]

@Thinkingblonde

A friend of mine bent over to adjust the satellite machine. Her husband thought he had the right to pull her pants down and shove his pen is up her arse, well he tried, she turned around and clocked him across the face with the remote controls, he never did it again.

Wtaf.

[Bnxybee]

@DahliaDreamer

Ugh my exH was a groper. I couldn't even get into the house and take my coat off before he had his hand between my legs and he was always grabbing my books and making crude remarks, I also hated having sex with him but he felt it was his right and the cause of him not getting it was my inadequacy. I absolutely hated him by the time I divorced him. Here's a LTB from me.

This resonates with me! He seems to think I should be flattered he wants me so much but I’m not! He said if I was always wanting sex, he’d feel amazing! Don’t think they understand that men and women are fundamentally different in that regard (generally speaking).

[Prunel]

the groping isn’t the issue
it’s that you’ve made it clear you don’t want it and he is doing it anyway, without enthusiastic consent. You don’t want to be emotionally blackmailed and nagged into sex and he’s doing it anyway. I couldn’t be with this man. This is disgusting. How can he be either so clueless or so disinterested in your feelings.

I do think it’s reasonable for him to want more sex. I don’t think twice a week is much, but this is not the way to handle it.