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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Groping in a marriage

234 replies

Bnxybee · 28/07/2022 11:41

(Sorry, feel like all I do on here is whinge)

I'm basically sick of my husband groping me and nagging me for sex. We have sex maybe once a week and even then I have to force myself. He says twice a week is the norm for most married couples. I disagree.

If I bend over, he has to slap my arse. It wasn’t an issue at the start of our relationship but now it just irritates me. Especially when he does it around DS (which he knows I don’t like!). If I go into the kitchen to do dishes, he’ll follow me and want a full on snog fest. If I say I'm going for a shower, he’ll make a crude comment. If we’re sat as family in the living room watching kids shows, he’ll mouth a dirty comment to me. It doesn’t turn me on. It annoys me. I can’t put my feet up on him on the sofa without him thinking I’m initiating sex and trying to put his hands between my legs! When I turn him down, he acts like a wounded puppy!

I was really honest with him last night and told him that the more full on he is, the less I want it. He said that if he didn’t ask, he’d never get it as I’ve only initiated sex twice in the last two/three months (true!). I just told him to be less full on. This morning, it was like the conversation never happened.

Him acting like a horny teenager all the time is actually giving me the ick!

Anyone else?

OP posts:
Thatsenoughnow · 28/07/2022 16:24

Could you initiate sex twice a week on the basis he didn't grope you

Seriously? You think she should submit to sex she doesn't want twice a week in order that her husband won't assault her at every opportunity?

The bar is really fucking low here sometimes.

PipinwasAuntieMabelsdog · 28/07/2022 16:25

I would be very blunt and say to him: 'Your behaviour towards me around sex and sexual touching outside of the bedroom is making me feel like nothing more than a sex object. Not only is this upsetting and disrespectful, it is abusive. You do not have my consent to do [X,Y,Z] You are also telling our son that it is acceptable to ignore sexual boundaries. I love you, but if we have to discuss this again, I will seriously consider the future of our relationship'

D0lphine · 28/07/2022 16:33

Every time he touches you when you don't want, just say "stop" or "no" firmly and assertively.

No one should be touched when they don't want to. It's not right.

Thatsenoughnow · 28/07/2022 16:35

BeeDavis · 28/07/2022 13:50

Do you find your husband attractive? Because it seems to me like you don’t. Me and my husband are very gropey and touchy feely. He clearly still finds you attractive, I feel bad for the poor sod. You’d be better off leaving him and letting him find someone more on his level.

Oh fuck that. Nobody cares what you get up to. Not everyone wants to be married to a gropey pervert.

evrey · 28/07/2022 16:35

His behaviour is wrong,crude and sex pest like. No means no Fullstop
However on the flip side it is soul-destroying to have your partner not ever want sex and when they do, you know their heart isn't in it.
Maybe like others have said your libido are mismatched

Changethenamey · 28/07/2022 16:40

My oh does this and it drives me mad. I kept asking and eventually really snapped at him telling him it’s MY BODY and I don’t want him to touch me like that, it’s a real turn off. He sulks and doesn’t like it but that’s tough shit. I honestly don’t know any woman that finds it arousing to be poked in the vagina when they’re going about their day. I would absolutely hate my daughters to catch him doing it.

Just be absolutely crystal clear about it, every single time.

D0lphine · 28/07/2022 16:46

Changethenamey · 28/07/2022 16:40

My oh does this and it drives me mad. I kept asking and eventually really snapped at him telling him it’s MY BODY and I don’t want him to touch me like that, it’s a real turn off. He sulks and doesn’t like it but that’s tough shit. I honestly don’t know any woman that finds it arousing to be poked in the vagina when they’re going about their day. I would absolutely hate my daughters to catch him doing it.

Just be absolutely crystal clear about it, every single time.

Did yelling at him make him stop?

Tessasanderson · 28/07/2022 16:53

He sounds horrible. You are not much better though. You quite obviously find him a turn off and dont want him anywhere near you. Why are you even with him? Of course he is wrong but if he is such a creep then he probably doesnt realise you find him so disgusting that his touch makes your skin crawl.

We have sex maybe once a week and even then I have to force myself

Signoramarella · 28/07/2022 16:57

Found this disturbing reading. So sad and upsetting. Please tell him to fuck off. And think about leaving him.

erinaceus · 28/07/2022 16:58

This behaviour really is not normal, and it sounds as if your husband thinks that it is normal or even flattering. Are you able to find a way to communicate to him how unacceptable it is? This message seems as if it is not getting through.

Huntswomanonthemove · 28/07/2022 16:58

Bnxybee · 28/07/2022 11:41

(Sorry, feel like all I do on here is whinge)

I'm basically sick of my husband groping me and nagging me for sex. We have sex maybe once a week and even then I have to force myself. He says twice a week is the norm for most married couples. I disagree.

If I bend over, he has to slap my arse. It wasn’t an issue at the start of our relationship but now it just irritates me. Especially when he does it around DS (which he knows I don’t like!). If I go into the kitchen to do dishes, he’ll follow me and want a full on snog fest. If I say I'm going for a shower, he’ll make a crude comment. If we’re sat as family in the living room watching kids shows, he’ll mouth a dirty comment to me. It doesn’t turn me on. It annoys me. I can’t put my feet up on him on the sofa without him thinking I’m initiating sex and trying to put his hands between my legs! When I turn him down, he acts like a wounded puppy!

I was really honest with him last night and told him that the more full on he is, the less I want it. He said that if he didn’t ask, he’d never get it as I’ve only initiated sex twice in the last two/three months (true!). I just told him to be less full on. This morning, it was like the conversation never happened.

Him acting like a horny teenager all the time is actually giving me the ick!

Anyone else?

My ex was like this, that's why he's an ex.

RosyappleA · 28/07/2022 16:59

Were you okay with this in the beginning? Has your sex drive declined or was it always a chore? Thing is it he has a high sex drive and you don’t or your very put off by his behaviour and are just not attracted to him anymore. Like someone said you just don’t seem
to be a good match. Do you find other men attractive? In your position I would sadly consider ending the relationship. I can’t see it getting better and he will end up cheating.

Luckydip1 · 28/07/2022 17:02

So many marriages end because one partner wants more sex than the other,.

Maddogsandtoplessenglishmen · 28/07/2022 17:05

Astrabees · 28/07/2022 15:46

Twice a week isn't much, I'd be really upset if that was all I got and I'm in my 60's. I really do think that if you don't want sex with your husband at all the he would be forgiven for looking elsewhere. Could you initiate sex twice a week on the basis he didn't grope you ? I do find this odd as DH and I both enjoy touching each other up as a bit of relief from day to day domestic drudgery.

You want her to commit to sex she doesn't want twice a week in order to stop her husband from sexually assaulting her.

I mean thats one way to go I guess. Its fucking awful advice though.

Tessasanderson · 28/07/2022 17:05

Can you answer me a question please.

If your husband literally turned off this horrible, disgusting behavior tomorrow. Could you actually love him?

I am trying to work out how much this is down to his behavior alone. I cant see it being something he has managed to keep hidden in the past. Is it more of an issue now you really dont fancy/love/want him touching you anymore. Has he gotten worse the more you have gone off him?

Its a big LTB from me

Onlyhuman123 · 28/07/2022 17:06

I don't think asking for sex twice a week is excessive though?. He clearly finds you attractive. His way of showing that he's attracted to you is extremely basic and immature though. If you still find him attractive and want to have sex with him, you need a serious proper chat and make it clear what you DO find a turn on; things need to change for you. Do you know what would turn you on? Does it involve him? If it doesn't, I think you need to decide whether you should stay together as you may have different ideas.

Deadringer · 28/07/2022 17:06

Get a calendar and every time he gropes you put a big X on that day, that is a day when sex is definitely off the cards. That or ltb.

youlightupmyday · 28/07/2022 17:09

You aren't attracted ro him. This is not a functioning marriage.

thisisscary · 28/07/2022 17:11

That's sexual coercion and assault. Is he abusive in other ways too OP? Maybe have a look at the Women's Aid website x

TheFormidableMrsC · 28/07/2022 17:12

Astrabees · 28/07/2022 15:46

Twice a week isn't much, I'd be really upset if that was all I got and I'm in my 60's. I really do think that if you don't want sex with your husband at all the he would be forgiven for looking elsewhere. Could you initiate sex twice a week on the basis he didn't grope you ? I do find this odd as DH and I both enjoy touching each other up as a bit of relief from day to day domestic drudgery.

What the actual fuck?

Jedsnewstar · 28/07/2022 17:15

Clearly you are not sexually compatible. It’s gross to be touched when you don’t want it. But it is equally not fair to remain in a marriage when there is no sex life. Since you said the once a week you do do it, you don’t actually want to. So ideally there would be less than this. Staying with someone for convenience is cruel.

Topgub · 28/07/2022 17:17

@Onlyhuman123

It really doesn't matter what you think is excessive

Op does

She's told him she finds the behaviour off putting (id have done much worse personally) and he continues.

This is not about a mismatched sex drive

This is about a man who is so convinced that his wife is only there to please him that he can't see her as a person of her own

Only as an extension of his own desire.

He is sexually assaulting her.

There is no justification for that.

GoSomewhereThatDoes · 28/07/2022 17:19

Luckydip1 · 28/07/2022 17:02

So many marriages end because one partner wants more sex than the other,.

Do they though?

Or do they fail because one person is sitting on their arse and expecting a medal if they empty the washing machine or interact with their children, while the other person is running themselves ragged trying to work, parent and run the household, and is simply too knackered and too pissed off to have enthusiastic sex as well? I suspect that the frequency of sex goes up significantly in homes where the workload is equal and each is treated with respect.

Wishidleft · 28/07/2022 17:20

Your op @Bnxybee describes my husband perfectly.
I can no longer bear to be touched/hugged/kissed at all.

I spent years thinking we could be happy if he just stopped doing it. Sadly, he never did. I feel I’ve wasted the best years of my life and I’m not even strong enough to leave now.

ClinkeyMonkey · 28/07/2022 17:55

Or do they fail because one person is sitting on their arse and expecting a medal if they empty the washing machine or interact with their children, while the other person is running themselves ragged trying to work, parent and run the household, and is simply too knackered and too pissed off to have enthusiastic sex as well? I suspect that the frequency of sex goes up significantly in homes where the workload is equal and each is treated with respect.

I agree with this. Burning resentment about your partner not pulling their weight is an absolute passion killer.