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AIBU?

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Original poster

Groping in a marriage

234 replies

Bnxybee · 28/07/2022 11:41

(Sorry, feel like all I do on here is whinge)

I'm basically sick of my husband groping me and nagging me for sex. We have sex maybe once a week and even then I have to force myself. He says twice a week is the norm for most married couples. I disagree.

If I bend over, he has to slap my arse. It wasn’t an issue at the start of our relationship but now it just irritates me. Especially when he does it around DS (which he knows I don’t like!). If I go into the kitchen to do dishes, he’ll follow me and want a full on snog fest. If I say I'm going for a shower, he’ll make a crude comment. If we’re sat as family in the living room watching kids shows, he’ll mouth a dirty comment to me. It doesn’t turn me on. It annoys me. I can’t put my feet up on him on the sofa without him thinking I’m initiating sex and trying to put his hands between my legs! When I turn him down, he acts like a wounded puppy!

I was really honest with him last night and told him that the more full on he is, the less I want it. He said that if he didn’t ask, he’d never get it as I’ve only initiated sex twice in the last two/three months (true!). I just told him to be less full on. This morning, it was like the conversation never happened.

Him acting like a horny teenager all the time is actually giving me the ick!

Anyone else?

OP posts:
Thatsenoughnow · 28/07/2022 20:57

This reply has been deleted

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What a pile of shit.

VestaTilley · 28/07/2022 21:24

He sounds awful. Unwanted sexual touching is sexual assault - even within a marriage. You don’t want it, he’s doing it anyway, and WORSE doing so in front of your child! Who will grow up thinking it’s ok to slap women on the arse.

I’d be questioning what future there is for your marriage…

Intransigentcat · 28/07/2022 21:24

Fucking hell PorridgeGoneWrong what an absolute load of bullshit to post. Touching your wife boobs when she isn't into it isn't creepy?

You don't need to be a psychologist to know that is the very definition of creepy and if she has said she's not into it, it's fucking assault.

Will be reporting your sexual assault apologist post.

larkstar · 28/07/2022 22:12

Speaking as a married man for what difference that makes (none TBH) - this is disgusting behaviour - you should not be subjected to this. In all seriousness - you go to the police and report it - he's not taking your protests seriously at all. Don't bother to threaten him that you will go to the police - just do it. I don't think there is another option open to you.

Maddogsandtoplessenglishmen · 29/07/2022 08:46

I don't know why people are saying the OP and her H's sex drives are mismatched.

The Op is living with daily sexual assault, she must be on edge the whole time her H is home because she knows he might touch her when and where she doesn't want it and its impossible to stop him. I cannot imagine just how little I would want sex in that situation.

This has fuck all to do with incompatibility of sex drives and everything to do with sexual assault, and those minimising it by claiming its just because the H's sex drive is higher should be ashamed.

StationaryMagpie · 29/07/2022 11:51

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

Huntswomanonthemove · 29/07/2022 14:38

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This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

Yes spot on. I tried to explain this to my ex but he wouldn't listen. He just said he had to harass me for sex at every opportunity because he didn't want to miss out on a chance of having it. Thick git, just didn't get it.

Huntswomanonthemove · 29/07/2022 14:41

I used to have sex I didn't want, just to stop the bad moods, the insults and the sulking. I well remember doing the happy dance when my decree absolute came through. Sadly, I believe my experience in this marriage, has scarred me for life regarding seeing sex normally.

My advice is to get out of any relationship like this. I lasted 13 years and it was 13 years too long.

Benjispruce4 · 29/07/2022 15:12

Were these men always like this?

Huntswomanonthemove · 29/07/2022 15:38

Benjispruce4 · 29/07/2022 15:12

Were these men always like this?

My ex wasn't like this when we were first together and then married. It started pretty much after my child was born. As anyone who has had a baby will know, sex is the last thing on your mind after giving birth. I had a difficult labour and a baby who never stopped crying. I had PND for a while, so sex didn't figure much in my mind. That's when the trouble started. He just couldn't/didn't want to understand how I felt. He clearly thought his needs came first. It turned out that he was a selfish prick, who believed my body belonged to him, to use as it suited him. Unfortunately, his ways were completely counter productive. The more pressure he put on me, the worse I felt. Even telling him to back off and allow me to find my sex drive, fell on deaf ears. He maintained that he had to pressure me for sex constantly, just in case I fancied it.

Marvellousmadness · 29/07/2022 15:41

And yet you let him do it
Tell him to fuck the fuck of. Yell at him
Tell him if he does it again youll kick him in the nuts. Tell him that if he whines for sex again and pushes etc he can go to hell..

Take a stand op. He is treating you like and object. But you are letting him! Stop enabling this pathetic man.

getfoundouteventually · 29/07/2022 15:55

OP, I'm sorry that this thread may have turned ' darker' than you thought it would.

It's time for an all or nothing chat with your DH; you could even select some of the responses from this thread to quote to him.

He needs to realise that you are not his property to assault, and that is what he is doing. Even if you wanted sex every 3 months , that still isn't an excuse - there is no valid excuse for sexual assault in a relationship.

You also have a responsibility to your DC's to not normalise this behaviour in their eyes.

Sadly I think he will just sulk and not accept that he can't maul you against your wishes. Him stopping reluctantly and moodily is also not a resolution to this, you need to see genuine understanding.

Crankley · 29/07/2022 16:15

Vile, I hate sex pests. There is NOTHING that killed my libido faster than being groped. He would get zero sex from me.

Saza123 · 31/07/2022 19:22

Oh gosh I’m so sorry that happened to you! Men are absolute pigs

Sunnyqueen · 31/07/2022 19:27

Yeah this sort of behaviour would kill it for me and I have a high sex drive. Mouthing dirty comments when your sat as a family, rank.

Wheresmywoolyjumpers · 31/07/2022 19:48
  1. you seem to have different sex drives.
  2. He is trying to initiate sex in a crude and immature way.
  3. you have told him you dont like what he is doing and he does it anyway.
I think you need to seek out couples counselling to talk about this. He also needs to understand that the more he does this, the less you want to have sex with him. If he wants to initiate sex, there are others ways. He just doesnt want to make the effort.
Maddogsandtoplessenglishmen · 31/07/2022 21:10

Wheresmywoolyjumpers · 31/07/2022 19:48

  1. you seem to have different sex drives.
  2. He is trying to initiate sex in a crude and immature way.
  3. you have told him you dont like what he is doing and he does it anyway.
I think you need to seek out couples counselling to talk about this. He also needs to understand that the more he does this, the less you want to have sex with him. If he wants to initiate sex, there are others ways. He just doesnt want to make the effort.
  1. he is sexually assaulting the OP
  2. he is sexually assaulting the OP
  3. She has told him she doesn't want him to touch her in that kind of sexual way and he does it anyway aka sexual assault
Given couples counselling is never recommended in an abusive relationship this is not the next step. He needs to understand that because he does this she is leaving him.
Wheresmywoolyjumpers · 31/07/2022 21:43

Given couples counselling is never recommended in an abusive relationship this is not the next step. He needs to understand that because he does this she is leaving him.

OP has not said she is leaving him. I am very aware of the recommendations around couples counselling and abuse. Counsellors work safely and successfully with issues like this all the time.

Maddogsandtoplessenglishmen · 31/07/2022 21:49

Wheresmywoolyjumpers · 31/07/2022 21:43

Given couples counselling is never recommended in an abusive relationship this is not the next step. He needs to understand that because he does this she is leaving him.

OP has not said she is leaving him. I am very aware of the recommendations around couples counselling and abuse. Counsellors work safely and successfully with issues like this all the time.

Telling her this is happening because they have mismatched sex drives and they need couples counselling is terrible advice.

This is happening because he is sexually assaulting her. All the counselling in the world isn't going to fix that because fundamentally if he hears no and reacts like its yes, he is a very dangerous man to be living with.

Wheresmywoolyjumpers · 31/07/2022 22:06

Oh stop @Maddogsandtoplessenglishmen . Counselling is not advised when there is physical abuse because the person doing it is likely to go home and blame the other party and that leads to more abuse. That is not the situation the OP is describing, as distasteful as what is happening to her is. He wants sex more than she does. And is initiating it in a disgusting and distasteful way. She told him to stop and he has not. All of that was in my first post. As I said, couples counsellors deal with issues like this all the time safely. If the OP wants to stay in this relationship it is an option she can consider. If she wants to leave, no one would blame her. Perhaps you need to educate yourself more about what couples counsellors can work with and stop sniping at people online.

SophieeB · 31/07/2022 22:10

My partner does this sometimes and wouldn’t get that I didn’t like it so now I outright tell him he is making me feel sick every time.
worked so far!

Maddogsandtoplessenglishmen · 31/07/2022 22:33

Wheresmywoolyjumpers · 31/07/2022 22:06

Oh stop @Maddogsandtoplessenglishmen . Counselling is not advised when there is physical abuse because the person doing it is likely to go home and blame the other party and that leads to more abuse. That is not the situation the OP is describing, as distasteful as what is happening to her is. He wants sex more than she does. And is initiating it in a disgusting and distasteful way. She told him to stop and he has not. All of that was in my first post. As I said, couples counsellors deal with issues like this all the time safely. If the OP wants to stay in this relationship it is an option she can consider. If she wants to leave, no one would blame her. Perhaps you need to educate yourself more about what couples counsellors can work with and stop sniping at people online.

Since when is sexual abuse not physical abuse?

If counsellors are counselling women to stay in relationships where men are sexually assaulting them on a regular basis then I would actually be very shocked

And no I won't stop disagreeing with people who try to tell the Op the problem is due to her sex drive

Original poster
Bnxybee · 31/07/2022 22:34

Tessasanderson · 28/07/2022 17:05

Can you answer me a question please.

If your husband literally turned off this horrible, disgusting behavior tomorrow. Could you actually love him?

I am trying to work out how much this is down to his behavior alone. I cant see it being something he has managed to keep hidden in the past. Is it more of an issue now you really dont fancy/love/want him touching you anymore. Has he gotten worse the more you have gone off him?

Its a big LTB from me

I’d like to think so.

The issue is that my libido has changed since I had ds. I was also on antidepressants for a year which killed my sex drive tbh.

That said, we had a conversation in the early days of our relationship because I felt he was too persistent on something he wanted to try although I’d already said no (twice). I told him it had upset me and he was very apologetic. Now he just sulks!

OP posts:
Original poster
Bnxybee · 31/07/2022 22:35

SophieeB · 31/07/2022 22:10

My partner does this sometimes and wouldn’t get that I didn’t like it so now I outright tell him he is making me feel sick every time.
worked so far!

Well done! Will try that because saying gently isn’t working.

OP posts:
sweatervest · 31/07/2022 22:50

An IDVA said to me recently that what I went through constituted sexual assault. Maybe what you're experiencing is sexual assault too. I truly don't know but what that man is doing to you makes you feel clearly uncomfortable.

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