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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who was bu? Day out split up.

196 replies

Funinthesun75 · 28/07/2022 09:50

So we DH and I were on a day out at a Theme park with our ND 10 year old and NT 16 year old.
We were all together when ND child bolted as they wanted to go on a specific ride. We use this theme park lots so child knows it well. I run after child and returned to where we were with child and DH and older teen had gone. I had nothing with me as I didn't pick up my bag when I ran.
So as DH and older child were gone whrn we returned me and youngest were stranded with no phone or money to buy drink etc.
By the time we were finally reunited wuththe help of Park Staff I did complain that they should have stayed put. However it was apparently down to ADHD child for running off or my fault for not iistening where they were going next and not having my phone. I know there were general chit chat about rides they wanted to do but no definitive decision IMO.
So,who was bu?

OP posts:
ANUsernam · 28/07/2022 12:11

I would think default position would be to stay where they were. If they weren't sure where you would go to, the obvious thing would have been for each of them to take a phone one stay put and one go and wait where else they thought you might go.

It sounds as though they actually didn't give either you or your other child a thought and just went on with what they were doing.

But for me the key thing would be the response when you were finally reunited.

Antarcticant · 28/07/2022 12:12

You were both U for not agreeing an 'if we get split up' meeting place when you arrived.

Trivester · 28/07/2022 12:13

Your dh is completely wrong here - of course he should have made sure that nd child was ok. I understand that there’s a balance to strike also in making sure nt child is having a nice time, and not always bearing the brunt of their sibling’s behaviour. But swanning off for a good time with the easy child and not even checking is shit parenting, and shit partnering.

Namechanger965 · 28/07/2022 12:13

I’m with you OP. I actually think your DH and older DC should have followed after you to ensure the younger child was safe, if they had ran off into a crowd and you had lost sight of them tit could have taken you ages to find them. 2 adults and an older (basically adult child) would have had an easier time finding the younger DC. I can’t believe they actually went off enjoying their day without ensuring younger DC was safe.

SoupDragon · 28/07/2022 12:13

10HailMarys · 28/07/2022 11:22

Six of one, half a dozen of the other. Not worth dwelling on.

This.

I think it's one of those annoying situations that's not really anyones fault but that feels like the other persons fault when your in the thick of it.

i agree with this too.

Your DH needs to be the one to run after ND child half the time.

He just stood there like a lemon? Find your anger and get him to take responsibility.

maybe they could play Rock Paper Scissors next time the child bolts. Best to make it fair rather than just reacting to the situation.

Trivester · 28/07/2022 12:17

on a softer note though, does your dh have a problem with impulse control by any chance?

If your dc has inherited adhd from their df, expecting him to think and act like an ND parent might be setting yourself up for frustration.

HikingforScenery · 28/07/2022 12:26

IncompleteSenten · 28/07/2022 11:52

If my ND child ran off and their other parent chased after them I would care. My priority would be making sure the other parent caught up and everything was ok.

I would not just carry on with my day. That is someone who doesn't give a shit.

Both my children are nd and are now in their 20s. Plenty of running has been done over the years and never, not even once in all those years has either of us shrugged our shoulders and left the other one to it.

It's not ok.

I cannot understand anyone who thinks this ok. Is it lack of personal experience or empathy ?

CallOnMe · 28/07/2022 12:28

I’m with you OP. I actually think your DH and older DC should have followed after you to ensure the younger child was safe,

I think this would be a good idea if the child didn’t have ADHD but as he does this is obviously a regular thing and I don’t think it’s fair that the other child should wait around or follow them around as this could take up a good chunk of their day out.

There is also not much possibility of him being unsafe.
The worst thing that would happen is he gets lost but in that case the parents splitting up would have been a good thing anyway.

When we take our SEND students out we always agree which adult is going to run after the ones that bolt and we take In turns.
We never make the other students wait or follow them as that would be completely unfair when they’ve been on their best behaviour.
So we let them carry on as normal and one of us will go and get the one that’s run off and bring them back to the group and usually we have to sit and wait as the rest will be on a ride by then, but that is the consequence of running off.

Headbandheart · 28/07/2022 12:29

JustJeans · 28/07/2022 10:10

Back in the days before phones and bank cards 🦕 we always had a meeting point on days like this. My dad would make sure we knew where it was before we set off, as inevitably someone would always get separated from the group.
In Blackpool, it was the laughing policeman, and I can remember being stood there for hours once waiting for someone to realize I was missing and come and find me (It was probably only about 20 minutes).
I don't think either of you were unreasonable; stuff happens.

But it was DH and elder child that wandered off apparently unconcerned about where poster, and more critically younger child was.
and then presumably didn’t see that it was a big deal being separated, so they would hardly go to a meeting point to anxiously wait op and younger child coming back. They weren’t bothered and decided todo there own thing leaving op fully responsible for finding missing child and then finding them
id be very angry that Dad , who can run faster I assume didn’t get his ass in gear and run after child leaving mum with elder child. Get the mum wouldn’t have shrugged her shoulders as to where younger child had gone and *o onto next ride with elder child
her DH is a wassock and selfish and apparently doesn’t give a fig about his wandering child

Samanabanana · 28/07/2022 12:29

If this was my DH he would have either followed me with the other child to help look, or waited where they were so they were easy to find. Can't believe anyone thinks yabu to expect the other adult in the party to not behave responsibly.

BellePeppa · 28/07/2022 12:41

So did they take your bag with them? If so they should have stayed put as it’s obvious you would need it. They could have rang your phone to check if it was in the bag on on you before swanning off.

Somethingneedstochange · 28/07/2022 12:42

My son has a set order routine of which rides we go on when we first arrive. We have to get it exactly in the same order or he simply refuse to go on. Or bolt to the ride he was expecting.

Do you have exit passes? Does help and don't have to rush around so much and can stop for more breaks.

JudgeJ · 28/07/2022 12:43

ILoveTwix · 28/07/2022 10:07

@Discovereads A tad harsh- if your DC is spontaneously running off at a theme park in the summer holidays I doubt your first thought is to stop and check for your phone and bag whilst DC gets lost amongst a crowd 🤔 OP has already said why the phone wasn't on her person.

It may surprise people but within my living memory there were no mobiles etc and this sort of thing happened, I would have expected him to stay put, at least for a reasonable amount of time! Our ruling was always if we we get seperated return to the last place we were together, usually worked.

WonderingWanda · 28/07/2022 12:49

It was inconsiderate of your dh not to check all was OK. If you knew where your child was running then so did he. He could easily have followed, passed you your bag and arranged to meet in a bit so the older child didn't miss out.

Zofloraeverywhere · 28/07/2022 12:50

I think your DH was very unfair to not make sure that your DS was ok. He sounds uncaring and selfish but hopefully he isn’t always like this.

Next time you go to this theme park make sure you keep your phone, money and cards on you in a waterproof bag. It isn’t very glamorous, but I always keep my phone and wallet in a ziplock plastic bag inside a bumbag belt during theme park visits. As a family you always need to have an agreed meeting place if you get separated.

DelphiniumBlue · 28/07/2022 12:51

DH and older child unreasonable. They should have stayed put. No question.

AllNightDiner · 28/07/2022 13:00

Can't believe some of the replies to this. OP's DH is clearly in the wrong here. Who wanders off with their wife's handbag containing everyone's phones when a younger ND child has just bolted and their mum is in hot pursuit? Totally unreasonable to leave the last spot they were all at together, and totally unreasonable all over again to leave with her phone. And a third totally unreasonable for trying to blame the ND kid - even if it had been his fault, it wouldn't change the fact that them then wandering off turned a stressful incident into a big fat problem. I'm not blaming the older DC because it sounds like they just followed their dad's lead, but it would be good if they could wake up a bit going forward, especially if he makes a habit of being this thoughtless.

Turn it around and imagine for a moment that the DH had had his wits about him enough to run off to catch the ND kid himself, and had forgotten he was holding OP's bag with all the phones. Let's try and guess how thrilled he'd have been to come back with the younger DC and find OP and the older DC gone. 🤔

Sisisimone · 28/07/2022 13:05

Your DH was a complete dick. 99 out of 100 people would wait for their partner to come back with their child. The other 1 person is your arsehole of a husband. I'd have been so angry. I imagine it would have been a totally different story if he had chased after your ds and you were the one that had fucked off with his phone.

Original poster
Funinthesun75 · 28/07/2022 13:11

They categorically did not ssy where they were going. There was chit chat about various rides dh wanted to do but no time to make a plan as aI was acting on the hoof. There were severall rides in the area he ran towards that we had been on and he might have headed towards.

OP posts:
whynotwhatknot · 28/07/2022 13:11

so he didnt even know if you found your dc and just went off without a care in the world

hes a dick

MercurialMonday · 28/07/2022 13:12

I'd have dragged everyone to find youngest child - but then this isn't a thing we've had to put up with regularly.

I've also since kids were young found myself making it clear when I was leaving a room that someone else was expected to watch children- as I found especially with IL if "everyone" watching meant no-one and delegating and getting a acknowledge response stopped that - so would have told them to come or voiced my expectation they would stop in one place.

It is just one of those things - next time you'll make sure everyone had phone money and a meeting place from the off.

ABBAsnumberonefan · 28/07/2022 13:22

Sounds like your DH thought you were going on the ride to be honest. It also sounds like you started the blame game and he responded in like so 🤷‍♀️ nothing happened, no one got lost or hurt so I’m not sure if there’s a reason to drag it out.

Krapom · 28/07/2022 13:32

TipsyMipsy · 28/07/2022 10:08

I think it's one of those annoying situations that's not really anyones fault but that feels like the other persons fault when your in the thick of it.

I agree with Tipsy.

steff13 · 28/07/2022 13:35

I don't know that it's necessary to apportion blame here. It's just a thing that happened. Now you'll be better prepared in the future.

BrioLover · 28/07/2022 13:41

I get it OP. From your posts it sounds like you're the one out of you and DH who does the running after ADHD child, the planning of trips, the remembering and packing of all the things etc. So it's bloody irritating when you have to run off into the distance after your child, who is a known flight risk, only to return a few minutes later to find that your DH has fucked off.

Mine would have stayed and waited, if only to take him off my hands for a bit as I'd just had to do the running, cajoling and returning. My eldest has ADHD so it's not an alien experience for us.