Teacher DH and childcare in summer holidays

[totallybonafido]

DH is at home with the 2 DC while I'm at work. DS goes to nursery term time only, as we agreed that it doesn't make sense to pay for childcare while DH is at home with DD anyway.

DH is clearly resenting the loss of his child-free summer holidays, where he would be free to please himself for the whole 6 weeks. I am getting several messages a day about how much the DC are pissing him off and winding him up and how he hates his life. I know what it's like, I have looked after the DC by myself several days a week while I was on mat leave. DH has let them get to him way too much and has worked himself up into an absolute rage. I've been considering going home early today to take over as DH is not handling it well at all.

AIBU to think that DH just needs to suck it up? It's not even for the full 6 weeks as we'll have family help for some of it and will also be going on holiday as a family for a week. I do understand how he feels as he's losing one of the big benefits of being a teacher, but I only have limited holiday and don't get any time off work by myself either.

Why is it that grown men cannot cope with their own children or to be able to do anything other than work yet the wives and girlfriends are expected to run a home look after the children work and doing absolutely everything else. It’s time men were as organised as women it’s a crying shame what women have to tolerate as it’s expected of them yet men get away with everything as they cannot cope with anything. Grrrr.

@gemloving

Not questioning your decision to continue to send children to nursery and not looking after them together for a long period of time as I totally get it is a slog (3 under 5 here) but I just found your comment about

I always said, if I wanted to work in childcare, I'd work in a nursery.

very strange as yes you haven’t chosen to work in childcare but you have chosen to have children.

@Ortega888 . Hard to disagree. You only need to look at how Covid and school and nursery closures played out in many households to realise that many men see women as 'default' and are deeply resentful if they have to step up and take their share of responsibilities.

@Eunorition well said!!

I'm a teacher too, and now my DC are older, probably once they were all 7+, I enjoy being off with them because they are old enough for me to get stuff done and to entertain themselves a lot. They are now 14, 12 and 10, so really easy in comparison. We have a nice time together but it's not relentless, like it was when they were your DC's ages, now just constantly wanting food!

I still sent my children to nursery in the holidays when they were little, just a couple of days a week. Partly to keep their routine and partly for my sanity. As a secondary school teacher it is full-on and mentally tiring so I need some peace and quiet in the holidays to recharge and I could afford to keep sending them to nursery. It also gave me time to do jobs at home like DIY properly. I booked in a few football and cricket camps as they got older, but this was more ages 8-11 than 5 and 3. My DH is self-employed and rarely takes time off unless we go away, so holiday childcare has always fallen to me.

Perk of the job - definitely. Would have struggled without toddlers continuing with a little bit of nursery though.

He's useless. I wouldn't feel happy leaving kids with him. Find someone decent and kick him into touch.

One of the benefits of being a teacher is that you GET to spend 6 or 7 weeks with DC. It's still a holiday. A holiday doesn't mean time spent alone. He just needs to organise activities - vary them: some in the house, parks, play dates, days out, sport clubs. His DC are at an easy age. Entertaining you DC is much easier than older DC.

2 small children are a breeze compared to a whole class.

YANBU they're his children and the benefit of getting school holidays off are not having paid childcare and spend time with children! A lot of people would love to work term time for this reason. I work shifts to go around childcare meaning working 13 hour shifts over the weekend whilst hubby works Monday-Friday.
That's life!!
He doesn't have the children ALL the time! I'm assuming your not working 7, 13 hour shifts per week! You have days off, your having a family holiday etc.

Yep he’s being a tw@t so maybe address the attitude but I can also empathise and would suggest childcare for a couple of days a week if you can afford it. For your children’s sake as well as his. As they will pick up on his misery and that’s really sad for little-uns.

Agree with this. He will have planning to do for next term and he does need a holiday/break. Teaching is tough and he won't have had any holiday. I would expect maybe a day a week to myself otherwise how would it recharge?
Do you take the kids out of childcare for your annual leave?
He is being rather dramatic though and he needs to get a grip and not dump on you whilst you are at work.

I do understand how he feels as he's losing one of the big benefits of being a teacher

Is that comment for real!? They are his kids, who does he think is going to look after them?

But it does sound like he has some issues and likely benefit from some parental coaching or some form of therapy. It should be a joy to be able to spend that much time with your children. He needs to find a way to engage them in a way that occupies their time doing things they can all enjoy.

Nowhere has OP suggested her DH is depressed.l, and I'm sure she would feel more compassion if he did

No I know she hasn't and I didn't say she had. I said I was depressed when I acted like that to my husband and sent messages like that to him. Neither he nor I realised I was severely depressed at first actually. That was my experience. It may be the same for him or it may be completely different, but it's worth consideration.

I personally would continue to send my child to nursery.

Yeh, my husband and I are both teachers and we send our kids to nursery during the holidays. We're paying more than 2.5k a month for it anyway either way! Most teachers I know use at least some childcare during the holidays. Just yesterday I was arranging to meet up with a friend and she said she'd got her son booked in for some activity camp for mornings for the next fortnight so could meet me any time then.

I work in a nursery and we always feel a bit sorry for the children who are always in over summer even when parents are at home. Some parents really don’t seem to want to spend time with their own children I find it quite sad . And before anyone jumps on me I’m talking about the children that are in every day and every week it’s exhausting for them.

Maybe I am unusual then? Because yes I did take the children out of childcare. I wanted to spend time with them.

Regardless of anyone’s family situation, having young kids is tiring, physically and mentally.
There is no start point or end point to your “working” day, it’s 24/7.
It likely doesn’t help that your oh may be chatting to colleagues who are enjoying their school break.

Both of you should have a chat and work out how you can both get regular time to do something for yourselves. So when you come in from work your oh could have an hour to himself to recharge ready for the bedtime routine. Work out something together so you both have time regularly to look forward to. It really helps to know that your “shift” will have a break. It doesn’t matter how much we love our kids, the fairly constant requests and 24 hour complaints department can be draining. Lack of sleep makes our coping mechanisms run on low power.

How can he possibly look after the children for the entire 6 weeks? We are always being told that teachers work all through the summer break and don’t get holidays. So he’s working all day every day and taking care of 2 children? No wonder he’s had enough.

No-one has ever said that teachers work all though the summer break. What will have been said is that they work during the summer school break, and other school breaks too.

The holidays are not holidays for teachers who do not have leave other than bank holidays. They are days when the children are not in attendance.

Nowhere has it been suggested that the OP's DH is doing schoolwork as well as looking after his children.

But then you know what.

It wasn’t until I joined mumsnet that I was educated that being a teacher is akin to having 8 full time jobs, working 23.5 hours a day and not even being able to go to the toilet or grab lunch at any point during the day whatsoever.

I completely second this.

He seems to have some squewed idea that the holidays are for him, not to spend time as a family. That’s a very odd notion for someone with children to have. Every single working parent spends the vast majority of their holidays with their kids, don’t they, and would consider it an enormous bonus to be able to be off for the whole of the school holidays? And many do it with no outside family help, which OP says he has.

He needs to take a step back and imagine life in an ordinary public sector job with ordinary leave entitlements ie only being able to take about half the school holidays at best, and having to complete, 6 months in advance every single time, with others for the right to take that time during the school holidays, and sometimes not getting it.

No-one has ever said that, ever.

Your "education" has fallen short.

He needs to take a step back and imagine life in an ordinary public sector job with ordinary leave entitlements ie only being able to take about half the school holidays at best, and having to complete, 6 months in advance every single time, with others for the right to take that time during the school holidays, and sometimes not getting I

Or, as a teacher, having no choice at all.

I'd say as a teacher he does need down time. And children that age are tricky

If you can afford it I'd put the 3yo nursery and find a club the 5yo would enjoy. As he is a teacher you can find one that would suit more easily as doesn't need to be specific time / place. My 3 love a forest school set up and it's guilt free as it's so fun.

Then depending on your holidays I'd take a day off a week for a few weeks or as a many as you can manage and then he has 2 days a week one to himself one not alone and as a family.

So yanbu in that he needs to stop complaining and do something about it be proactive and yabu if you can't appreciate he needs some to relax.

It most certainly is the impression us non teachers get!