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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Teacher DH and childcare in summer holidays

373 replies

totallybonafido · 27/07/2022 13:51

DH is at home with the 2 DC while I'm at work. DS goes to nursery term time only, as we agreed that it doesn't make sense to pay for childcare while DH is at home with DD anyway.

DH is clearly resenting the loss of his child-free summer holidays, where he would be free to please himself for the whole 6 weeks. I am getting several messages a day about how much the DC are pissing him off and winding him up and how he hates his life. I know what it's like, I have looked after the DC by myself several days a week while I was on mat leave. DH has let them get to him way too much and has worked himself up into an absolute rage. I've been considering going home early today to take over as DH is not handling it well at all.

AIBU to think that DH just needs to suck it up? It's not even for the full 6 weeks as we'll have family help for some of it and will also be going on holiday as a family for a week. I do understand how he feels as he's losing one of the big benefits of being a teacher, but I only have limited holiday and don't get any time off work by myself either.

OP posts:
ancientgran · 27/07/2022 19:31

TheWayTheLightFalls · 27/07/2022 19:20

All those years being a mum and coping and on that one day I was so close to losing it and if I'm honest it wasn't even that different to other days. So glad there was no MN and no one to judge me on one difficult day. I think it probably happens to lots of parents.

I agree with this. I think this thread has gone down a bit of an alley tbh. DH is at home, dealing with pain in the ass DS + sibling, with five weeks more of the same looming. He complains to his DP, rather too dramatically. It happens.

I’m at home with my three, all under five. Today was lovely - the four year old pushed her baby siblings on the swings in the local park. If you’d have spoken to me yesterday I’d have also told you that I hate my life and find my baby son a bit of an asshole. It happens. I’m a good parent, but I’m allowed to find things difficult and worry about how I’ll cope.

It is tough isn't it and relentless and sometimes having that 90 minutes and a nice cup of coffee is the most luxurious thing in the world.

Glad you had a lovely day today, hope tomorrow is just as good.

SortingOffice · 27/07/2022 19:38

I was lucky enough to have a part year contract from my employer, 10 weeks a year unpaid leave. I loved it, looked forward to spending all that time with DC.
There were still some tough days.

JassyRadlett · 27/07/2022 20:26

Only women are allowed to struggle on here. As soon as a man says he fids parenting hard work, he's slammed.

I don't think it's that he finds parenting hard that's the issue, as you say we all do sometimes.

The manipulative melodrama is the bit that isn't ok to me. Difference between having a mild moan (while realising your spouse is actually at work and fuck all they can do about it except offer sympathy) and doing the 'I hate my life' and other bollocks OP's husband has carried on with; it crosses a line.

JassyRadlett · 27/07/2022 20:28

(I mean the bit where he's doing this every day and has apparently not only worked himself up into a rage but taken care than his spouse at works knows about his rage to the point where she's concerned enough to consider going home. That's way over a line of reasonableness from any parent.)

GeriTheBerry · 27/07/2022 20:34

@JassyRadlett Exactly. (Great name, btw.)

ILikeHotWaterBottles · 27/07/2022 20:44

totallybonafido · 27/07/2022 15:06

In his defence, he is generally really good with the kids and not at all averse to taking them out and organising things. He is definitely having an exceptionally bad day.

Didnt you say last year he essentially went to his parents and hid there for a few weeks? Not planning on hiding from his responsibilities again is he?

If he does you may want to stop being blind op and accept he is shit. He sounds shit already. Hopefully he has changed, but I wouldnt count on it given his hiding last year.

Original poster
totallybonafido · 27/07/2022 20:49

He went to his parents' with the kids. And while he's there he still does most things, they're not massively hands on. Definitely no hiding.

OP posts:
Stopthebusplease · 27/07/2022 21:00

Sorry, I might be being a bit thick here, but if he's a teacher, surely he's capable of handling kids of all ages, isn't he? The fact that these are his own, should make it even easier. I think he's just doing the usual man thing of making out that he can't do something, in the hope that someone else will take over and do it for him, ie YOU! I've seen men try this with all sorts of things, 'oh, I've never been any good at cleaning / ironing/ sewing on a button', and women fall for it time and again, doing it for them because it's easier than putting up with their whinging. OP was about to fall into this exact trap, when she said she was thinking of going home early, as her poor useless DH couldn't cope. Make the lazy git get on with it, like most of us women do, with NO excuses!

Theluggage15 · 27/07/2022 21:08

You don’t want to piss him off further? What’s it got to do with you? You’re working.
I couldn’t be married to such a wet wipe.

wonderstuff · 27/07/2022 21:10

Dealing with a class of teens is in no way similar to your own preschoolers. At school they go home at 3pm and if they really irritate you you can call their parents! I was shocked when I had my own kids how much social stuff kids need teaching, by 11 they’re much easier to reason with.

I am a good secondary teacher but there’s no way on earth I could teach primary. Now my kids are secondary age I’m finding them much easier to parent.

Siepie · 27/07/2022 21:12

easyday · 27/07/2022 15:08

There was just a thread about a female teacher keeping her kid/kids in nursery throughout the summer and the vast majority of people thought it was absolutely fine. Why is everyone thinking differently because this one is a man?
I think the children go in to nursery two/three days a week if affordable- I put mine in for two days when I wasn't working to keep my sanity.

When I started reading this thread, I wondered whether it was a deliberate reverse of that thread to highlight MN hypocrisy!

I assume it's not, but it is interesting to see how a mother using childcare is seen as sensible and in need of a break, while a father who wants to use it is seen as lazy and a danger to his children.

fishonabicycle · 27/07/2022 21:40

Most mothers would look after their children when they were on holiday, without thinking twice about it.

converseandjeans · 27/07/2022 21:56

justgotosleep

He basically has to suck it up. I sm a teacher, as is DH. Before children, the school holidays were a long stretch of leisure time. One DCs came along everything changed and the school holidays were all about looking after the children. However, we had them in childcare one day per week (childminder required us to keep one day as a retainer over holidays). I think if you can afford to, let him have a day of childcare per week, but other than that he just needs to get that life has changed

But your situation is different as you were both off and also still had a day a week of childcare. So you can't really compare with OPs husband.

Shelby2010 · 27/07/2022 22:10

Everyone I know (not teachers) takes their annual leave during school holiday - to spend time with their kids & to save paying for childcare. Any teachers with kids cite this as a perk!

Your DH is being a bit of a twat. It would be nice if you could manage a couple of child free days for him to spend on his own but otherwise he needs to suck it up.

Cuppaand2biscuits · 27/07/2022 23:50

brookstar · 27/07/2022 14:21

Before I get shot, I do think it's harder for men, especially if he's a teacher so not able to do drop offs and pick ups at school.

Why is it harder for men?
Why does being able to do the school run make a difference?

Because he hasn't had chance to develop friendships with other school parents. If he's not on the playground he hasn't met the other parents and therefore doesn't have friends with kids to hang out with in the holidays.

GeriTheBerry · 27/07/2022 23:55

He’s only been doing it for 3 days 😭

antelopevalley · 27/07/2022 23:57

Cuppaand2biscuits · 27/07/2022 23:50

Because he hasn't had chance to develop friendships with other school parents. If he's not on the playground he hasn't met the other parents and therefore doesn't have friends with kids to hang out with in the holidays.

Show quote history

Honestly that is rubbish. It has been three days. I do not know anyone who hangs out with other parents and children every day. Three days with just you and the children is perfectly normal.

surreygirl1987 · 28/07/2022 00:13

female teachers seem to manage this change when they have kids ok - many say this is why they like being teachers - school holidays off with the kids!

Nope - my husband and I are both teachers and we've got our two children in nursery all summer! We do have to pay for it anyway though so we would have them in less if we didn't have to pay regardless.

I do think if he has the one child anyway though it makes sense not to pay for nursery if you use that option. But I'd probably have both children in nursery/ summer camp etc for a couple of days a week at least!

Interestingly there is another thread at the moment about teachers and school holidays in nursery.

surreygirl1987 · 28/07/2022 00:15

*When I started reading this thread, I wondered whether it was a deliberate reverse of that thread to highlight MN hypocrisy!

I assume it's not, but it is interesting to see how a mother using childcare is seen as sensible and in need of a break, while a father who wants to use it is seen as lazy and a danger to his children.*

I thought the same thing! People are being harsh to this guy!! I don't blame him for wanting a break - this academic year has broken me!

Lovelycheesegromit · 28/07/2022 00:25

JassyRadlett · 27/07/2022 20:26

Only women are allowed to struggle on here. As soon as a man says he fids parenting hard work, he's slammed.

I don't think it's that he finds parenting hard that's the issue, as you say we all do sometimes.

The manipulative melodrama is the bit that isn't ok to me. Difference between having a mild moan (while realising your spouse is actually at work and fuck all they can do about it except offer sympathy) and doing the 'I hate my life' and other bollocks OP's husband has carried on with; it crosses a line.

This.

Lovelycheesegromit · 28/07/2022 00:28

JassyRadlett · 27/07/2022 20:28

(I mean the bit where he's doing this every day and has apparently not only worked himself up into a rage but taken care than his spouse at works knows about his rage to the point where she's concerned enough to consider going home. That's way over a line of reasonableness from any parent.)

And this.

I’m not sure how this is being overlooked. The dc are already going to camp and nursery as OP has mentioned so why all the drama and messaging OP at work to the point she felt she had to come home. That’s the problem here. The rage and making OP feel she can’t piss him off further. It’s all strange.

cstaff · 28/07/2022 01:32

So you have discovered that you actually have 3 kids having tantrums. This is crazy and so immature.

A friend of mine actually retrained as a TA I think, so that she would have the same time off and holidays as her kids. It also meant a big drop in salary for her but it took the stress of holidays and days off out of play.

Goldbar · 28/07/2022 08:06

Lovelycheesegromit · 28/07/2022 00:28

And this.

I’m not sure how this is being overlooked. The dc are already going to camp and nursery as OP has mentioned so why all the drama and messaging OP at work to the point she felt she had to come home. That’s the problem here. The rage and making OP feel she can’t piss him off further. It’s all strange.

Show quote history

Exactly. Fine to be a bit fed up and looking forward to using childcare to have a bit of a break. Not fine to be so unpleasant and over-dramatic about it that the other parent wonders if they need to come home to take over. At that point, you just need to find ways to cope like sticking the TV on.

Cinemaandsweets · 28/07/2022 08:12

Those saying that people are only skating him because he's a man.

I don't think anyone has criticised for using childcare over the holidays? In fact op has clearly said that he will be getting some help so it won't be the whole 6 weeks.

But ops post didn't make it sound like a parent who's simply having a rough day. She says she getting several texts at work to the point that she was concerned and considering leaving work early. She says the dh had worked himself into a rage, that the dc were pissing him off and he hated his life.

All of that and barely one week into the holidays.

BusyMum47 · 28/07/2022 08:41

Oh boo hoo, he needs to suck it up & get on with parenting his children!

I'm a teacher & obviously take care of my own kids every single school holiday.

Playdates, visiting family, days out, family holiday, etc - it's easy to break up the time & there's plenty of opportunity to have a few 'easy' days at home where you let the kids watch TV in their PJs or play in the garden/paddling pool while you chill out a bit.