Teacher DH and childcare in summer holidays

[totallybonafido]

DH is at home with the 2 DC while I'm at work. DS goes to nursery term time only, as we agreed that it doesn't make sense to pay for childcare while DH is at home with DD anyway.

DH is clearly resenting the loss of his child-free summer holidays, where he would be free to please himself for the whole 6 weeks. I am getting several messages a day about how much the DC are pissing him off and winding him up and how he hates his life. I know what it's like, I have looked after the DC by myself several days a week while I was on mat leave. DH has let them get to him way too much and has worked himself up into an absolute rage. I've been considering going home early today to take over as DH is not handling it well at all.

AIBU to think that DH just needs to suck it up? It's not even for the full 6 weeks as we'll have family help for some of it and will also be going on holiday as a family for a week. I do understand how he feels as he's losing one of the big benefits of being a teacher, but I only have limited holiday and don't get any time off work by myself either.

As I suspect is the case sadly for many children in the state school system

I know this is a thread with a lot of teachers on it, but I'm a bit bemused why teachers need time to recharge w/o their children during the holidays more than other professions.
Surely this is a luxury any parent would benefit from. It's nice, but not a right.

With standard annual leave I have never considered the possibility of taking leave on a day where I would be w/o my children (aside from exceptional situations). Most of us are counting up days, hoping BHs will give us a run of days etc.

I have a teacher friend. We are meeting over the summer hols. I told her my older son was taking my younger son away for a week so that would be a good time to meet. She immediately thought I would be off myself, and I was like "errrr no" . It's the week I work even more to catch up with the time I'm juggling my job and being a lone parent, but I will have my evenings to myself.

It's refreshing when teachers say yes they work very hard during term time, but the 13 weeks off is great and yes, once you're established and if you plan well and are organised then they really do appreciate the advantage of having time off with their children.

When the May 1/2 term was different in neighbouring counties, the HT stated in a newsletter that it might be hard for some his staff who needed to juggle teaching and their own children not being off at the same time as them.
Surely that's a note for the staff newsletter. Why is it relevant to parents (most of whom are working when their children are off)?

Annual leave, holidays as a parent are basically spend on caring for your children. I don't know anyone who doesn't do this and gets any time for himself/herself. And of course no mother would complain the way your DH does. If she would try she'd be called entitled, lazy and told to just suck it up.

But alas your DH is seemingly on the verge of a nervous breakdown and hasn't put any strategies in place to help him cope so whinges to you - while you're at work.

So I am afraid you have to find the constructive solutions to this as he is not proposing any. Can you send him out the minute you come home from work: cinema, gym, pub whatever so he gets a break from DCs? Do this most evenings during the holidays. Then tell him he gets a day at the weekend to just do what he wants while you take care of the kids singlehandedly. Hopefully most evenings and one day a week will sort him out.

He also needs to find ways to make his life looking after the kids easier: soft play, screen time, return play dates, meet up in parks, things he likes and the kids can join in. 3 and 5 is tiring but should be doable but that's for him to figure out....

Can you send him out the minute you come home from work: cinema, gym, pub whatever so he gets a break from DCs? Do this most evenings during the holidays. Then tell him he gets a day at the weekend to just do what he wants while you take care of the kids singlehandedly. Hopefully most evenings and one day a week will sort him out.

so i should work all day and then wrangle the kids singlehandedly every evening and half of the weekend? I might as well be a single mother! Where's my down time?

Didn't you realise! You're a woman and therefore 'line manager' of your husband. It's up to you to manage his workload so he gets plenty of time off, but didn't you realise that no one cares about yours? He 'helps', you are default 🙄.

Honestly, you'd think we'd be a bit further on by now.

Can you send him out the minute you come home from work: cinema, gym, pub whatever so he gets a break from DCs? Do this most evenings during the holidays. Then tell him he gets a day at the weekend to just do what he wants while you take care of the kids singlehandedly. Hopefully most evenings and one day a week will sort him out.

I have more sympathy for the dh than most others on this thread because I'm a teacher and found "losing" my long lazy holidays when I had dc quite tough.
Even so, this reply is bonkers.
So DH looks after the kids during the day then gets 5 evenings and 1 full day to rest whilst op gets...???

Sit down with your dh and work out a plan together.

Holiday clubs, extra nursery days, grandparents, soft-play sessions, days out with friends can all help the holidays seem more enjoyable and manageable.

Check out local churches and local councils, a lot of them do stay and play sessions where he'll be able to relax a bit and chat to others whilst the dc enjoy being in a different environment.

It's not wrong for him to want the odd day to relax and catch up with school work but equally you matter too op so don't be guilted into doing everything at the weekends.

You might have hit on the DH’s problem there; he seems to want the choice to take holiday when his kids aren’t around.

Part of my point was that that’s a choice that the vast, vast majority of working parents don’t have, because they save up every scrap of leave for the school holidays. Another part of my point is that the DH should look on the bright side. Do you have a problem with those points?

Bloody hell. It’s not that difficult to look after a couple of kids. Mum of 3 and teacher here. No - he’s being a div. Tell his to have a word with himself. If he feels really strongly he can pay (with his wages) for a few days nursery next summer but do not indulge his pity party.

And that's different from mothers who work full time... how, exactly?

There's not a whole lot of milling around making friends at pickup and drop off from wraparound care.

So yes, not being able to do the school run makes a difference. Being male makes none whatsoever.

I retrained as a teacher when ds was 5, in order to have the school holidays with him. Much easier than wrangling the teenagers I taught. We did nothing some days; went to the local donkey park on others; read; painted; went to the cinema etc.

It saved us a fortune in summer childcare.

He's a twat.
When ours were little, I still had to pay childcare through tbf summer. I used to stick them in while I worked on my planning or organising or result days, but other than then, I just let them bob around me.

And I am not maternal and used to really struggle the first week, with no routine and small children. So I'd basically make a summer holiday timetable.

Jesus, my dp looks after dc in the hols and he is not their father, I would ignore the messages

This reminds me of a conversation I would have every year after every school holiday with my (Male) teaching colleague.

Him: Did you end up babysitting your kids for the whole holiday?
Me: No. I spent time with my own children for the holiday.

There again, dh rarely took time off in the holidays. He held back days to cover training days etc but on one memorable occasion he booked a week off to spend ON HIS OWN the day the kids and I went back to school (and got an earful for it!).

In fairness to your DH, I’m currently (but not for much longer, thanks be to fucking God) a SAHM to my two DC aged 2.5 and 8mo. I love them both with everything I have but my god has being stuck at home with them all the time taken it’s toll on my mental health. I can’t drive so can only take them to places I can walk to, I’m sick to death of heaving the heavy ass double pram up the hill into town, sick of them crying, sick of trying to get one to nap while the other screams/makes a racket, sick of the baby wanting to use me as a human jumperoo, sick of the toddler wanting to use me as a human climbing frame, sick of making food they don’t eat and throw everywhere, sick of hoovering you said food, sick of the piles of laundry everywhere that I don’t have time to put away, sick of toys all over the place, sick of never having a few minutes just to sit down and chill the fuck out in peace and without someone on me.

It’s not like that all the time… there are days that are harmonious and by some miracle they nap at the same time and I get shit done, and we play together and have fun and I wonder how I could ever want to do anything but be with them.

But today has been one of those shitty relentless days. Today I absolutely hated my life, and my kids pissed me off, and my DH got a series of ranty messages. But contrary to @Eunorition‘s assertion, that does not make me a shit parent, and it doesn’t make your DH a shit parent either.

most working parents have 12 week annual leave between them and have to use every scrap for school holidays and still not cover them, with little if any overlap for time off together.

Being a teacher makes him no different from everyone else whose holidays are for childcare. Except that he gets twice as much and will probably be able to have some time where you are both off at the same time.

It can be relentless though I get that. This is why I really feel for all the mums who end up being sahm because it's cheaper than paying for childcare. I worked part time pretty much for nothing after costs for years. 6 weeks is manageable. He just needs to suck it up.

Going against the grain.. DH has been working this week (and last weekend as it was how his shifts have fallen).

I've had the two DC and been trying to clean thr house/pack for our holiday and it's been horrendous, I've had no time to just sit for a bit as the kids just fight all day long and I'm knackered! I've also had a mega period which was fun!

I have sent texts to DH saying the kids are pissing me off 🙈.

He is being unreasonable overall but I get how he is feeling a bit-only being off when the kids are off is a bit relentless!

so is your dh working or chilling this weekend? Not clear

Jesus Christ… looking after your own children is not the same as working in childcare!

Completely agree with this. I work full-time, and until my youngest was 4, I worked up to 20 hours a week at a second job too. I have 3 kids, currently 17, 14 & 10.

In all that time, I have had just 1 day of annual leave that was purely for me to have a day off and not do any form of childcare etc (to go to a festival for my 40th birthday). But my husband has taken all sorts of time off deliberately outside of school holidays so that he could spend time at his allotment, etc. and it really pisses me off because I’m reality, when the kids were younger, for every day of annual leave taken outside of school holidays, it was adding £90 in childcare costs in the holidays. Since covid I’ve worked from home, so now he’s just assumed that it’s fine for me to have the kids at home whilst I’m working. I can do that, and they’re old enough to entertain themselves - but it really isn’t fair on them to have to be stuck here all day and isn’t fair on me when I’m trying to work to have the interruptions.

it seems that a lot of men just assume their wives will sort and do all of the childcare in school holidays etc. it just doesn’t occur to them that once they have kids, they don’t have the luxury of taking time off for themselves anymore unless they earn huge amounts that can be used to pay for childcare (and that’s assuming there’s adequate childcare available - in my town the only clubs tend to run 9.30am-3.30pm, so parents who used wraparound care are shafted, and none of the clubs take childcare vouchers either, so that’s an additional expense to consider).

IMO, working parents have to accept that their annual leave is now to be used on looking after their kids - and if they don’t want to do that, why did they have children in the first place? Surely as parents you WANT to spend time with the kids? I always wish I could have more time off to have with them, I don’t understand why people would rather put the kids in a holiday club the whole time.

Actually I’m a teacher and I don’t think he’s being unreasonable. If you can afford it, I’d have them in nursery 1/2 days per week.

At the end of the school year, we are on our knees. People don’t seem to realise that teachers are giving up to 6 presentations a day, each time to a ‘hostile’ audience. It’s a wonderful job, but it’s no longer really family friendly.

The holidays are not holidays as preparation, marking, revision classes etc are happening, so the 5/6 weeks in the summer are what other people get…. and I will be working for at least 1 of those.

Teachers also have to work at the weekend. I work at least one of the two days.

If you are not able to do this, then try to cut him some slack at the weekend.. . He needs to recharge or he will not recharge as he needs to for next year.

Some teacher !
I bet he doesn't get into a rage with the kids at school. What is it with these men that cannot take the responsibility of their own children?

Wow! I'm a teacher so off for all of the holidays with my son and I love my time off with him! Yes, I don't necessarily get to do all the things I like to do and I miss some of the freedom I had pre-children, but I would never complain about it to my partner who is off to work every day!

@janajos

People don’t seem to realise that teachers are giving up to 6 presentations a day, each time to a ‘hostile’ audience.

we don’t “realise” it because it’s hyperbole

i do wonder why people have kids sometimes is this not discussed beforehand

what does he think other parents do