Are my own parents taking the piss out of me?

[Peppapigagainffs]

Feeling really hurt and resentful.

Parents have come to stay with us for a couple of weeks, we live in a lovely, hot place abroad.
Df wakes v early and needs to be up and out doing things. He often decides in his own head what he wants to do and engineers it so we work around him.
I have a 4 year old Dd, who needs her sleep and has some tummy issues at the moment.
Df often gets up early and goes out for a walk and then arranges for us to go and pick him up/meet him briefly for coffee, as he’s bored by then as has had a coffee and wants to go.
If I say we’re having a quiet day in (has been once in almost two weeks) they get up and go out early themselves for a walk/don’t have breakfast with us etc.
I drive them somewhere nice every day and they often come back, nap or watch tv and then I make dinner for everyone. My mum occasionally washes up, dad doesn’t do anything. I Hoover and mop whilst they sit watching the news. They never offer to have Dd, have never babysat, we’ve not had a break for 4 years.
They pay for all food shopping, petrol and lunches when out. This I obviously appreciate as I can’t afford to live my normal life like I’m on holiday and wouldn’t drive everyday somewhere or have lunches out and eat as much as they do.
Just feel resentful of being woke up at 6 everyday by Df being loud and expected to work to his schedule and if I’m not planning to go out, they just go out, no sitting for breakfast or asking what we’re doing.
No one offers to cook, although they do pay for a couple of takeaways. Have a few days left and don’t want to be simmering with resentment and hurt and leave things on a bad note. When they leave they say a thanks for everything and mum often leaves a bit of money on my bedroom dressing table.
Aibu in feeling sort of used & hurt, would you?

Yeah you're right, I would offer to do the washing up. Though I'd offer to go shopping rather than have sole charge of a child. Terrifying

I’ve had to take my Dd to a few hospital appointments and df kept asking what time I had to be there and wanted dropping off beforehand at the town nearby so mum & dad could walk around/have coffee/lunch there, then pick them up. I know that seems quite reasonable in a way, so why do I feel hurt by it 🤷🏻‍♀️It’s been so hard with Dd and quite stressful and having to think about leaving earlier then dropping them then picking up or them waiting around for us to be picked up if the appointment drags on, is quite stressful.
There’s been days where df will go for his early morning walk then expect to be picked up/meet with him a few hours later, before it’s too hot and it’s too hot to walk back, when I’ve been rushing with Dd to get her ready (she takes ages at the moment as has tummy pains from gas and constipation, we generally need to wait for the first poo to come) I feel so awful
rushing her and have told mum this. We’ve then driven there and walked up and had a drink then gone to leave, Dd stopped once to play and we were hurried along by my mum because it was too hot and df was getting impatient as usual in the heat. So every bit of that day had been to suit him! I said to mum ‘No she can stay and play a bit, we’ve only just come out and she sat in a cafe, the one df likes to go and sit in for ages. Just felt so hurt they couldn’t let her play and also so annoyed, this is our life!

Dm actually stands there and says ‘Come on, come on now let’s go’ it’s like, no!

Jesus they sound an absolute nightmare. Your poor daughter with her upset stomach having to time her toileting around self absorbed grandparents! JUST NO!

I have IBS, and as a child this scenario would have set it off worse.

You have got to put your foot down today. Explain that DD can’t be be compromised. DF needs to be quiet in the 8am, and all trips now must be taxi or public transport unless you feel it doesn’t inconvenience you.

When DF makes hints, just shut him down with ‘I’m not room service’ every single time.

I wouldn’t even bother having them back. It would be the last time for me. Good grief who puts their needs above a chronically ill child?! Only arseholes.

Yeah I get that, I suppose by doing usual household tasks I mean, if there’s stuff in the tumble drier and I’m the one that happens to be passing when it’s finished I take it out and fold it. I don’t go and then put it away in their drawers or anything. Or I’ll empty the dishwasher if it’s beeping or take the bins out if they’re full (centralised refuse so no outdoor bins on the property).

Cooking I guess I see as a chore like the above and me being there adds to it so I’m happy to take some of that load away if I can. They’ve not complained yet so I hope I’m striking the balance right.

All of this minefield is what put me off visiting family initially because I didn’t want to impose.

Talk to your DM.

Tell her this visit has been challenging as you feel you're putting DFs wants above your DDs needs using the examples below.

Tell her the visits are too long and too often - use DDs health if you want a valid excuse- and give her a limit, say one two week and one one week visit per year.

Start asserting your boundaries if not for your own sake, then for your DDs.

Your DM knows what they're doing and - I think- possibly feels vaguely ashamed of DFs behaviour, hence the guilt money left at the end of the holiday.

Your DPs aren't going to become the GPs you want them to be, so stop letting them treat you badly and tell them what is acceptable.

I suspect a lot of people only read your first post

I wouldn't want them back either

and to play the "dead parent" card...my late father would think they are treating you appallingly badly. Trust me, when people are gone you won't find yourself thinking "I wish I'd let them take the piss"!!

Op I was already going to say they are taking the piss, but reading your last couple of points I think it's more than being cheeky and using you for holidays. What you said about you dm and the sun shade, and your df and the pancakes, sardines, leaving the kitchen messy etc makes me think it's an unhealthy relationship tbh. They still see you as THEIR child, like their property almost, and believe you should be doing everything they want / expect. Like you should be doing your duty as a good daughter and looking after them, doing as they say, just because they're your parents.

They're infantilising you imo, they still see you as their child, not an independent adult. Is it a cultural thing or are they really old fashioned? My df is set in his ways and old fashioned, he's never done any housework in his life as it's the woman's responsibility to him! Even he would be able to get his own lunch, clear up after himself and wouldn't expect me or my dm to do things like that for him, he can be very sexist but that would be too far even for him! Your dm and the sun shade? Sounds very controlling, next time tell her it's your home, it's got nothing to do with the money and you'll have things the way you and dh want them. Of course your dd should have play equipment in the garden, sounds like they resent it because it doesn't suit their wants and needs! They don't sound remotely interested in their grandchild tbh so doesn't surprise me it's more important for them to have a huge cover in the garden, they sound totally selfish and think throwing money at things makes their behaviour acceptable.

There’s obviously a lot of past history with your parents. Eg your garden. Your mum offers to buy x, you say no thanks but you seem to be taking as a criticism. It’s obviously your home and you have it set up as suits you but no where to sit out seems odd.
Were you the poster worrying about DD not settling in nursery a few months ago? You are obviously worried about her health too. I wouldn’t rush if df has to wait he had to wait her health comes first, presumably he can wait in cafe. If he rings for a lift again say I can get you at 1pm etc. You don’t have to jump immediately.
Dropping off and picking up after appointments - explain you don’t know how long you will be. Don’t stress. You are doing a favour.
Meals - is it easier to all eat together. If you made breakfast would dm make lunch. Your df sounds irritating leaving stuff on side - do you say the recycling bin is over there the blue one etc. I don’t put things in bin at friends without checking as all councils are different.

Going forward if dd will be in school from September that will probably mean change has to happen. I’d have a good think about how you want visits to be and set firm boundaries, good reason to change things.

Exactly, the dead parent card is BS, my father and stepfather are dead and I still call bullshit on this situation. Just because other people’s parents are dead doesn’t mean poor OP and had chronically ill daughter has to put up with user parents.

Visiting when a child is chronically ill and instead of lessening the burden but vastly increasing it, and reducing the child’s quality of life by restricting their access to play and not working around her toileting/healthcare needs is bullshit.

They sound entitled and self absorbed. Get rid and don’t ever have them back in your house.

so many people haven’t read all the OP’s posts and it shows in their replies 🙄

I have my sister here to stay at the moment too (she stays in a hotel, not with us) she arrived late last night-almost midnight. I asked if Dh could pick them up as the car has been playing up, it’s late at night and I’m knackered and I'm in bed with Dd etc. Dh didn’t mind at all, sister didn’t (very laid back)
Mum told me this morning that dad ended up going with Dh and I asked why and she said ‘Well to have someone there to meet her, some family’ so now I feel guilty…she’s almost 40 with teen kids. I said how when I go back, no one picks me up
and I always arrange a taxi there and back myself and am usually on my own (this was pre Dd)
Mum has just been telling Dd to stop playing her guitar (admittedly can get annoying after a bit) but she was trying to show her her dancing. Then they’ve gone upstairs because I’ve put Peppa pig on for Dd for some quiet time…too boring for them

Oh god OP, I feel your pain!!!!

I live abroad and my parents come to stay and it's also really similar to what you describe EXCEPT that my parents don't do anything of their own accord. They don't go out on their own, they will not drive over here. Nothing. I am literally a tour guide, chef, cleaner and hostess for the entire duration of their stay. They get up and say 'Right, what are we doing today??"

🤔

My parents too will throw money at the situation - pay for lunches etc etc but that's not the solution! I have an 8 year old and a 5 year old, they don't want to go for lunch!! They find the kids tough, won't take them out alone etc etc.

They recently came for two weeks and my mother cooked 1 dinner. One.

The saving grace this holiday was the fact that they stayed in a hotel for 4 nights - gave us all a break I think.

I feel very frustrated with the situation - but mostly disappointed and unsupported. They just don't get it.

Dear god op you have the patience of a saint.
Im probably 20 years older than you so have reached the stage of no shits given, as they say goodbye inform them not to make arrangements for next time - you need to arrange stuff with dh.
this would be their very last visit to me.

I’d have a good think about how you want visits to be and set firm boundaries, good reason to change things.

This is good advice.

FWIW the next time I see my parents it will be at an all inclusive hotel, separate apartments - no way am I hosting or going to theirs - I end up doing all the fucking cooking even if we stay at my parents!!!!

@Dixiechickonhols I don’t take her offering to buy as a criticism, I saw that She wasn’t happy because She wants the shade to sit out all day when they’re here.
We have seating areas-a lovely bench with cushions under the trees/mainly in the shade and table and chairs in the shade looking over the garden. The rest of the garden has now been taken up with children’s things and is very different to when they’d lie on loungers and read books, but that’s having kids!

DH meeting her was perfectly sensible and reasonable.
You seem to feel guilty/responsible for every minute. Them going upstairs when peppa pig is on is normal not a criticism of you.

@tiedyetie My df also says ‘What are we doing today’ or asks the day before, I wouldn’t mind this at all IF it then didn’t become almost all about his own plans. There’s no compromise, no even a day for a lunch and then playground for Dd etc, it’s all lunches out and then Dd obviously doesn’t sit for long or gets bored. I’ve said this and that things are different now having Dd…but nothing changes.

Oh OP I'm sorry and not surprised that you feel so sad and let down. I'm sure you want your parents to WANT to help you out, to show an interest in your daughter and her life, or your worries about her illness or to share a little bit of your daily life, including the dreary parts! Like you mention hospital appointments, unless numbers are restricted, why wouldn't your mum come and keep you company, people watch etc. rather than spend yet another day doing touristy things in a place they've already spent months and months in. It is not like this is their only holiday ever, and even if it were, I'd find their attitude odd. They sound tone deaf and selfish and I doubt they will change or be responsive to requests - they haven't been so far - so I would in future suit YOURSELF and put much firmer boundaries in place about frequency and length of stays, your fathers noise making, how the days look when they are there etc.

@Peppapigagainffs I don’t know, I wouldn’t invite them for two weeks 😂

@Dixiechickonhols Sorry wasn’t meant to be in bold, no idea what happened then!

Just reply it suits us 3 how it is/if you want loungers why don’t you book a hotel for you and dad for a few days - the loungers by the pool at x or y hotel look lovely. I wouldn’t give it more headspace. It’s your home and suits you.

It doesn't sound like they're taking the piss at all. 6 am is hardly early if you have young DC, surely? Just tell your dad to be quieter in the mornings if you don't want to be woken up. They seem pretty reasonable as guests go. If you can't handle their visits then say so, simmering quiet resentment is passive aggressive and a total waste of your energy.

I'm sure you said last year that when your parents stayed they had booked the next visit before they had even left. Were they going home then back in two weeks? If you are the same poster the general opinion was to tell them to stay in a hotel. Was it because your sister had booked to come over and they didn't want to miss out? I really would get your dh and you to both tell them this cant go on. Its not fair to you or your daughter. I would be livid with my parents for using my home as an extension of theirs.

It doesn’t matter what we think OP! You must feel they are taking advantage otherwise you wouldn’t have posted. Trust your instincts and take action