Are my own parents taking the piss out of me?

[Peppapigagainffs]

Feeling really hurt and resentful.

Parents have come to stay with us for a couple of weeks, we live in a lovely, hot place abroad.
Df wakes v early and needs to be up and out doing things. He often decides in his own head what he wants to do and engineers it so we work around him.
I have a 4 year old Dd, who needs her sleep and has some tummy issues at the moment.
Df often gets up early and goes out for a walk and then arranges for us to go and pick him up/meet him briefly for coffee, as he’s bored by then as has had a coffee and wants to go.
If I say we’re having a quiet day in (has been once in almost two weeks) they get up and go out early themselves for a walk/don’t have breakfast with us etc.
I drive them somewhere nice every day and they often come back, nap or watch tv and then I make dinner for everyone. My mum occasionally washes up, dad doesn’t do anything. I Hoover and mop whilst they sit watching the news. They never offer to have Dd, have never babysat, we’ve not had a break for 4 years.
They pay for all food shopping, petrol and lunches when out. This I obviously appreciate as I can’t afford to live my normal life like I’m on holiday and wouldn’t drive everyday somewhere or have lunches out and eat as much as they do.
Just feel resentful of being woke up at 6 everyday by Df being loud and expected to work to his schedule and if I’m not planning to go out, they just go out, no sitting for breakfast or asking what we’re doing.
No one offers to cook, although they do pay for a couple of takeaways. Have a few days left and don’t want to be simmering with resentment and hurt and leave things on a bad note. When they leave they say a thanks for everything and mum often leaves a bit of money on my bedroom dressing table.
Aibu in feeling sort of used & hurt, would you?

You sound confused OP and unsure about what you want, so how can your parents possibly know? You don’t want them to go out but you’re annoyed when they’re there - maybe they think they’re doing you a favour getting out of your hair for a bit because you’re moody when they are around. There are some things you DO know though so start with those - “I won’t be picking you up tomorrow, here’s the number of a taxi firm if you want to go out.” “Dad, you’re not a toddler, clear up your crumbs”. “Mum, please mop the floor while I do dinner.” No asking, just firm statements.

like others said, I don’t think you can complain that they don’t cook, they are buying takeaways in lieu of cooking so you aren’t cooking on those days.

You can’t control whether they want to spend time with your daughter - 4 year olds can be trying for some people and I found even taking my own children to the park incredibly tedious. If when your mum has your dd for 15 minutes she ends up running round the garden screaming no wonder she doesn’t want to babysit. Is there any truth in her claim that you’re too soft with dd?

Time for you to start communicating properly otherwise nothing will change.

Op please ignore the insensitive comments from people who have clearly not read tft and all your updates, also the "but they'll be gone one day and you'll miss them then" brigade as pp's have said. Wow so just because someone is a parent and like all of us will die one day, they can behave however selfish and entitled they want apparently. Your poor dd with her health issues, especially at 4 she's so little to be coping with all that, you both sound exhausted and the lack of sleep and rest at the moment is probably making her health worse. You sound like a lovely caring supportive mum, I'm sorry your own parents are so self absorbed and unfortunately I don't think they will change even if you are direct and spell things out to them. You can try being blunt with them and communicate, get dh to be there and put his they sound like they

^ Should say get dh to put his side to them if you think they would listen more to him, but something tells me they won't change their ways and will just be offended

You need to pull your big girls pants up here….

Its been lovely seeing you mum and dad, but you can see how hard it is for us with DD health problems. We won’t be able to put you up again, but if you want to book into a hotel, we should be able to get a couple of days together.

If they say we’ve already booked our flight just say well you will need to book a hotel as we can’t accommodate you.

If they contine to push be honest…. My first priority is DD and you seem to find it hard to fit into her routine. Also, DF habit of waking us all at silly o’clock affects her routine, and her health.

Your daughter has to come first. I would have told my father the very first morning that his early morning noise isn’t acceptable and he needs to be quiet.

They see you as a cheap hotel. And sadly don’t seem that interested in your daughter. Once they have to book accommodation, I’m sure their visits will be far fewer.

"Dad we're all tired and grumpy as you wake everyone up being noisy at 6am every morning. Either please be quiet as a mouse so you don't wake DD or me up, or please stay in bed until 8, as we can't have you to stay like this for more than a few days in future if you wake all of us so early. DD is grumpy as she's overtired"

"Well you do what you'd like , I know how much you enjoy going out for your leisurely lunches and for your walks. DD and I are going off out to do child friendly stuff at her pace. We'll see you back here late afternoon " ("well yes you can see her then... no that's no fun for DD .. ")

"Right it's your turn to cook tonight. I can't keep being the only adult in this house cooking every single night for 4 other adults and a toddler whilst looking after said toddler..."

"Dad, you left a mess on the side in the kitchen, can you pop back and clean it up please. You wouldn't do that at home!"
" Dad it's well past your turn to wash up ... you don't want us waiting on you - a perfectly capable man..."

For next time

"I don't want guests staying for 2 weeks, it's too much and too exhausting, how about you stay Sat to Tuesday (3 nights) ?"

"Mum what is going on here, you said you'd watch DD but she's running round , DH is in toilet

I think OP will find fault with anything her parents do or say. She's clearly not moved out of the headspace you are in as a teenager where you resent your parents no matter what. My dad drove to greet my sister! You are being very passive aggressive, OP.

Try to own up to how you really feel. You clearly resent them so tell them how you feel. Face the music, answer their objections and stop complaining here. Take a stand and defend yourself and book them a room at a hotel the next time if they don't comply. Or do what I would do and just accept that old people sometimes do things that annoy you. But stop being a delicate flower and expect others to read your mind and wrap you in cotton so you don't bruise. I would honestly ignore you too, if you walked around all day just oozing hurt feelings constantly.

@Gandalflight what a nasty post. You are clearly projecting your own relationships on to Op.

Things like always meeting one child at the airport but not the other can and do hurt.

Please take this advice @Peppapigagainffs .

They are perfectly reasonable responses to comments that your parents might make. If they get all huffy with you about it, let them. Just don't engage with the huffy and don't try to find an alternative. Just let them be huffy and when they stop being huffy with you then you resume normal conversation. You should have a nice quiet time though as you can block out the huffy (how many times have I written that word 😄).

Thanks so much everyone 💜

Most of the issue seems to be you want them to turn their vacation into everything about you. If they pay for gas, food etc... and leave money when they leave, they aren't freeloading and did help out.

If you have something you want to do, I'm sure simply asking them if they can watch the little one would have worked instead of running to social media about it. If your dad is bothering you with the early rising, again asking him to be a bit quieter and letting him know you can't come get him would have also worked and pushed him to do things a little differently instead of asking you to pick him up since you didn't really want to do it.

You had in your head what you wanted them to do and was angry when it didn't happen, but they are not mind readers. The cleaning seems to be what you would have normally done just as they cleaned up after you when you were in their home, it's your parents and they on vacation so if it wasn't something to much beyond your basic normal cleaning, I don't see the problem.

Just simply refuse hosting them next time if it's that deep. I'd rather go to a hotel and just stop by to visit if it's going to cause this much confusion or not come at all because really seems as though the anger comes from you wanted a babysitter and didn't know how to simply just ask but wanted them to volunteer.

And why would they not go out just because you don't want to go out, they on vacation. Seems like you really tried to paint them in a bad light but only made yourself seem selfish and not able to simply communicate.

When they are no longer here you will wish for those moments, you are taking for granted now. If you need a break from your own child Vet a daycare or a babysitter for nights out and the breaks you need and you won't be so frustrated. It's your child and if the only break you get is when your parents visit and expect them to just babysit what is that saying? It's not their fault you haven't had a break in four years which seems to be the main issue, but you reached to find things to add to the list to not look like a bad daughter.

Boomers are in their final stages so instead of complaining you better be trying to enjoy every visit and every memory that you have left with them instead of worrying about them being babysitters. They have earned the right to live their life how they please.

You should send them the link to the article you wrote, if you can talk to the internet about them, you should be woman enough to bring it to them. If you don't feel like you have said anything wrong or false, what's the issue? Stand on it.

UncutNoChaser And why would they not go out just because you don't want to go out, they on vacation. Seems like you really tried to paint them in a bad light but only made yourself seem selfish and not able to simply communicate.

Because repeatedly staying in someone's home makes it seem like a personal visit, not a "vacation" (holiday).

I hardly think giving someone months of free holiday accommodation counts as selfish...

This thread goes to show that some people have limited reading/ comprehension abilities & little life experience.

Have posters never come across people like OP's parents? Do they really think that people who ignore their sick grandchild & regard her as a nuisance getting in the way of their four holidays a year in her home, make good parents & good grandparents? Are these the sort of people who will be missed when they're gone? I've had crap relatives & I'm old enough that they're all dead now, & I'll tell what I regretted when I heard they were dead: that I hadn't had decent relatives, that's what! My nice relatives I genuinely mourned & missed. There's a great post upthread about two contrasting grandfathers in the same family: the 'all parents are wonderful except the OP' sort of poster might find it instructive, if they can understand it.

What does DH do? Does he help with cooking, cleaning, shopping etc?

Can you do baking or something with DD and get them involved?

All families are different, but all very much just get up and help with food and tidying/washing up at each others houses.
I can't imagine just being waited on.

personally I'd send a message after they've gone 'that due to building renovations no visits till further notice and you are planning a trip home'. break the cycle

While I see your point (in my family/culture this behavior is rude), they are indeed on holiday and u should expect them to behave like they are on holiday. That said, they are family, not guests - so they should pitch in or at least offer to help.

Take this as a learning experience... Next time your parents want to vacation, tell them to book a hotel.

How did it go @Peppapigagainffs ? Any improvement?

You sound like the op's parents.

Op please ignore ridiculous comments like these!

Im in total agreement with OP.
I think your parents are really taking the piss.
How can they hear that you haven't had a break for 4 years & not even offer?

Surely part of visiting you & your daughter is to bond & babysit her.
Why aren't THEY taking her to the park & soft play?
Your in a different country, with no family support or help & they know this.

It sounds to me like it's a cheap, easy holiday.

You're their daughter.
Not a servant or a maid.
I could never sit there & watch my daughter be exhausted & struggling & expect her to wait on me hand & foot.

If they want a carefree holiday, they should go elsewhere.
I'm not saying they should have no time at all to themselves, but they're really taking advantage of you.

You need to put your foot down.
Either tell them to cut their visits shorter, or tell them to book a hotel for one of the weeks.

Just be really honest & say that your a Mum now.
You're finding things hard & having to do everything for guests isn't possible.

Or they could chip in & be helpful.

Id try the direct approach first.
Telling them that you're tired & in need of a break, could they babysit?

Or even suggesting this before they book their flights.
For example: - how much you're looking forward to seeing them & spending time with them, and can they babysit now your daughter is a bit older.

She would love trips to the park with them.
And since they know how tired you are, would they mind helping with chores.

They'll either decide not to come, or suprise you & give you that support.

Tbh, you shouldn't even have to ask.
They are your parents.
But some people get so caught up in themselves, they forget about the needs of others.

Don't let them cut her time at the park short.
Tell them no, this is her play time.
She needs it.

Don't let them stop you from doing things with her.
And don't allow their expectations of a 4 year old rub off on you.
What 4 year old wants to sit through a long & boring adult lunch?
Children of that age have very short attention spans.
It's not realistic or fair to expect that.

They need to fit in with you & your child.
Not the other way around.
If they want to be guests in your home, then they should behave appropriately.

You're not a hotel.
Or a maid service.

And being your parents doesn't give them a free pass to take the piss.

4 visits a year, is far too many for that sort of behaviour.
And go elsewhere on your own holidays.

They sound stressful tbh.
I'd keep it all to a minimum.

Your parents are inconsiderate jerks. I'm not really sure where all of these people are coming from saying 'they're on holiday they shouldn't be cooking". They shouldn't have come to your place for 2 weeks and treated it like a hotel and expected to be waited on hand and foot. The fact that your mom leaves money for you doesn't make up for the fact that they've run you ragged for 14 days, woken your daughter up early so now you have to handle her being cranky every day.. It's not ok. Next time they want to visit, give them a list of hotels and tell them which days you and daughter will be free to get together with them.

Why not use that money your mother leaves at the end, to satisfy your own needs. Hire a babysitter and go out for the evening like you never get to do. Maybe a different mindset will keep you from complaining every year on here! There will come a day when your parents will no longer be able to travel. Try enjoying watching them enjoy themselves.

@KnockedInn do your parents visit 2 months a year and barely lift a finger?

Why are you allowing them to treat your home like a holiday-let? I would suggest maybe a weekend stay, but then they can spend the rest of their holiday in their own accommodation. How bizarre for them to impose themselves on you for such a very long time.

If your dad behaves differently when your dh is home where is your dh at 6 am in the morning? From what you’ve said your parents go out early for a walk and ring you for a lift later, when it’s too hot to walk, so it would be pretty pointless waiting a couple hours so your dd can have a poo before going out. Other than being too noisy in the morning I can’t see what they are doing wrong. Just ask them to be a bit quieter in the am. What time does your dd go to be bed for her to be so tired? Most children her age are up at 6/7 am as a norm.

I agree with you completely. As do 80% of the people voting. Since op's posted this in the past I think she'd rather whine to strangers than get excited to have a visit from her parents. There's no guarantee for tomorrow. Children grow up too soon and our parents are gone before we're ready. Enjoy each day before it's gone. Because there's no going back for a do-over.

@Meraas I wish they could! I'd love to still have my parents and be able to get visits from them. I'd spoil them like they once spoiled me. For them to see their grandchildren growing would mean the world! You can't imagine how many times I'd love to even be able to pick up the phone and share something with them!!!