Are my own parents taking the piss out of me?

[Peppapigagainffs]

Feeling really hurt and resentful.

Parents have come to stay with us for a couple of weeks, we live in a lovely, hot place abroad.
Df wakes v early and needs to be up and out doing things. He often decides in his own head what he wants to do and engineers it so we work around him.
I have a 4 year old Dd, who needs her sleep and has some tummy issues at the moment.
Df often gets up early and goes out for a walk and then arranges for us to go and pick him up/meet him briefly for coffee, as he’s bored by then as has had a coffee and wants to go.
If I say we’re having a quiet day in (has been once in almost two weeks) they get up and go out early themselves for a walk/don’t have breakfast with us etc.
I drive them somewhere nice every day and they often come back, nap or watch tv and then I make dinner for everyone. My mum occasionally washes up, dad doesn’t do anything. I Hoover and mop whilst they sit watching the news. They never offer to have Dd, have never babysat, we’ve not had a break for 4 years.
They pay for all food shopping, petrol and lunches when out. This I obviously appreciate as I can’t afford to live my normal life like I’m on holiday and wouldn’t drive everyday somewhere or have lunches out and eat as much as they do.
Just feel resentful of being woke up at 6 everyday by Df being loud and expected to work to his schedule and if I’m not planning to go out, they just go out, no sitting for breakfast or asking what we’re doing.
No one offers to cook, although they do pay for a couple of takeaways. Have a few days left and don’t want to be simmering with resentment and hurt and leave things on a bad note. When they leave they say a thanks for everything and mum often leaves a bit of money on my bedroom dressing table.
Aibu in feeling sort of used & hurt, would you?

Sounds fine to me.

YANBU OP! We lived abroad for a while and would have family come for 2 plus weeks at a time (thankfully not 4 times a year though!). We were very lucky in that my DM/MIL are happy to pitch in with household tasks like cooking and cleaning and my Dad and FIL would do gardening and DIY and stuff like that. And they’d all definitely be happy to take the kids to the playground or babysit for a few hours. They also did do some day trips/lunches by themselves as well as with us as we still had our normal lives to live. My parents would often book a weekend trip away in the middle so we all got some space. We did mostly drive them where they needed to be, but it wasn’t daily and it fitted in with our plans. And they contributed towards food costs, although they didn’t pay for all of it!

However, I don’t think our families regarded it as a “holiday”. It was a trip to visit their son/daughter and the grandchildren.

Even so, after 2 weeks of visitors (despite them being helpful) I’d be losing the plot slightly and ready for them to leave!

I think if they’re not going to help you or spend much time with you then they should stay in their own accommodation

They are your parents!

Cant you suck it up for a few weeks for all the sacrifices they made to raise you? You sound ungrateful and princessy!

@User112 they stay a total of two months a year!! The OP has a chronically ill child with multiple hospitals, and the parents are more worried about them having a holiday waited on hand on foot than put the needs of the sick GC and her mother first! Take a read of ALL of OP’s posts.

*hospital appointments

I don’t think you are unreasonable at all @Peppapigagainffs. You and they need to decide whether they are visiting their daughter and granddaughter, in which case they should muck in (and should want to muck in and spend time with you both in a way that fits in with your life). OR they want to use your home as a base while they have a holiday. If you and DH agree to this then they should not expect you to run around after them, they should have a car and sort themselves out.

What it sounds like is that you have a weird mash up of the two situations with no-one ending up happy, they want to be entertained and you want parents/grandparents. You say you have addressed this before and they haven’t listened. Would they listen to your DH or your sister? Perhaps you need to have some renovations done or a guest to stay when they next want to come, or go away yourself? I can’t see them changing so you are going to have to I’m afraid.

I don’t get it, they are your parents, tell them how you feel?!

@Wavygravy1 It’s not that easy, it should be, but isn’t.

Just been to the hairdresser and asked mum to please watch her for 15 minutes in between me leaving and Dh arriving home.
Arrived back to Dd running around crazily and Dm sat on the sofa, Dh on the toilet 🙄
Dd wouldn’t go to bed and running in the front garden screaming & crying, Dh doing bedtime so trying to reason with her in tmr garden, Dm says ‘Why doesn’t he pick her up, she can’t be screaming outside like that!’
I went to calm her down, she was yawning so much and just completely exhausted, so hard to calm her down, been like this for days, overhyped on biscuits and lollies that are given 4 times a day and no sleep and her stomach pains.
Dm starts saying how I need to be firm with her and she needs to know she can’t do whatever she wants. Feel like I’m going to explode, explained to her so many times about the change in her the last six months and the change in behaviour, that coupled with barely any sleep and crap food all day, of course she’s like this and parents sat there with silent disapproving faces, I’m not doing this again!

The OP has done. More than once. Her parents have completely ignored her and not changed a thing.

I would and have. Stayed with my niece more than once and babysat a few times so they could go out.

But I think you should ask them directly if they would do it. Stop waiting for them to offer

Dm starts saying how I need to be firm with her and she needs to know she can’t do whatever she wants.

Given their own behaviour that sounds more than a touch hypocritical!

@Gymnopedie Exactly…

I would be telling them not to come again.

It sounds like you're going through a really difficult time with DD with her stomach pains and sleep problems. And having your parents seemingly judging you for her behaviour is horrible (I have experience!) I'll never forget my DP's visiting once bringing sweets for the DC. I let them eat them in one go and brush their teeth afterwards rather than spreading it out. My dad complained that they eat too many sweets! This was not their normal routine and they had given them the sweets!

It seems like everything is getting on top of you and often we can get into a frame of mind of 'and another thing...!' You have got into your head that they 'should' be doing this and if it were you, you 'would' be doing that. The trouble with shoulds and woulds is they aren't actually happening and ultimately the only person you can control is yourself. I think you and your DH need to sit down and have a good think about what your boundaries are for them visiting going forward.

My impression is that your DP aren't trying to 'take the piss'. The things you are complaining about are perfectly reasonable, but you nor your DH have actually vocalised them, so you are sort of expecting your DP's to be mind readers. Perhaps you are a bit of a people pleaser too, but hopefully with your DH's support you can work on sorting this out. Once you have decided on your boundaries you need to vocalise them really clearly. For example 'I'm struggling with having guests at the moment due to DD's illness so next time, please come for only a week. It would really help if you could cook dinner one night to give me a break and DD would enjoy a day out to a farm (whatever), please could you take her so I can have a bit of time to myself'. You also need to be very clear about DF being quiet in the mornings to let you and DD sleep as it sounds like you'd both be feeling much better if you weren't so tired. Good luck, OP.

Thank you for the many messages of advice/support, really do appreciate it.
Now I’m sat here feeling just sad and confused and also guilty, always feel the same, wishing it had all gone perfectly and wishing I didn’t feel so resentful and cause moods. I feel guilty for my mum now, that maybe I’ve upset her for being moody the last couple of days
It’s such a head when they come to stay, such an intense mix of feelings

That was supposed to be a head fuck but think it was deleted out 🤷🏻‍♀️

There is a stage you get to in family life when you realise you can’t do overnight guests any more. When my younger DC got past the baby stage, it got intolerable trying to accommodate friends who insisted on sleeping in till 10.30, or large family parties that needed catering, or cooking three meals a day for an aunt and uncle there for the week. We now only have immediate family for a few days at a time, and that only because they muck in quite usefully.

I was forcibly reminded why I don’t do overnight guests when a long-standing friend came to visit recently. She was feeling a bit off colour when she came, but to cut a very long story short, she ended up testing positive for Covid and infecting the family as well as ruining a mattress and torpedoing our plans for the following weekend. That’s an extreme case. But it’s made me realise where my boundaries are and that as a family, we need and want our own space.

I haven't read all the messages. But FWIW I'd feel hurt and used too.

My mum always helps wash up and clean my house when she's hear. She changes nappies and buys us groceries. She doesn't even stay with us! But she cares about us and likes to help.

Your parents are using you as a cheap base. And I think most people would feel used. I wouldn't have a problem with dad waking early. But I would have a problem with them not wanting to spend quality time with DD and not offering to help tidy or wash up at all.

Tomorrow at dinner, say "right I'll get on with dinner. Dad - will you wash and dry as we go? Mum - will you watch DD?". Be directive.

Wow OP not being funny but it sounds like your parents can't do or say anything right. Every time they try and do something nice (paid for lunch, take away etc) it isn't good enough whether it's for you or for others. Why can't your dad go with your DH to get your sister? You aren't the airport collection police. So whwt if she is 40 with teen kids? You clearly live in a foreign country. Arriving in a foreign country is totally different to arriving (I assume) where you grew up or yoir home turf and grabbing a taxi home.
They are allowed to to upstairs if you want DD to have quiet time. You can't force someone to sit through Peppa.
Start looking at the things your parents do instead of don't. You're spending so much time focusing on the negative no wonder you are unhappy. If I'm honest you sound unhappy and like really hard work. It sounds like you are so resentful and the feel guilty.
I'm not saying you shouldn't have boundaries but this is all more about you than them. They are elderly and won't be around forever, I think you need yo manage expectation.

OK I've changed my opinion now from YABU to YANBU. I think we're getting to the nub of things now, which is that your parents just seem utterly uninterested about you and your DD. Almost treating your DD as an annoyance rather than a cherished granddaughter. Does that sound right? The reason you felt sad about your dad asking what time DD's hospital appointment is and then trying to work out when that means he can go to a cafe is because you’d hope that most caring grandfathers might suggest coming along for support or asking what they can do, or taking their DGD for a treat afterwards. Do they ever spend quality time with her, pay attention to her, play games with her? I think it’s time for a serious talk (preferably without your sister there though… I can only imagine that making things worse).

Also, not the worst bit, but the bit about your DF going with DH to pick up your sister so there's "family" there to meet her is just sad. So they don’t see their SIL as “family”?

Just to clarify my comment above, I still think you're having problems with not actually communicating your expectations to your parents and then resenting them for not mind-reading. I really think you need to work on being direct about what you want them to do. (For example, getting annoyed when they didn't have breakfast with you but then making lunch for you and DD but not them is a bit mixed-messages). But I'm very much getting the impression that the main upset stems from their apparent lack of interest in you three as people...

I think they’re doing quite a bit by the sound of things. If they turned up, expected you to feed them and transport them around daily but didn’t pay for anything then you’d have a point. They’re paying you for fuel and buying food so that’s sufficient I’d say.

I think you want/need a break from your DD and it would be nice of them to offer but have you ever actually asked them for help outright? Maybe one day when they want to head out, ask them to take DD with them for a couple of hours rather than sitting back waiting for them to offer.

Your Dad shouldn’t be waking anyone up at 6am so that’s the main unreasonable thing they have done, everything else sounds ok.

Why don't you say no more overnight guests until you're further forward with DD's health investigations? Given that your sister already stays in a hotel, what's to stop your parents staying there too?

This really reminds me of a time we stayed with my in-laws when my daughter was 4. It was just awful. They disapproved of everything, kept telling her/us off, expected her to fit in with their exact routine (like having dinner at 8pm). They served up roast meat every night despite having asked what sort of things she liked to eat, and we had specifically said she doesn't really like meat 🤨. The looks we got when she didn't have perfect table manners or wouldn't go to bed without someone being with her (in a strange room). It just felt like we were a massive inconvenience to them. They made little effort to do things with her, and didn't seem at all interested in helping or getting to know her.

We had stayed with them when she was a baby - it was fine. Stay with them now she is an older child - also fine. I think old people and tiny kids are just incompatible 😂. They forget the intensity of parenting a preschooler/toddler and the attendant issues (the additional pressures of running a house/juggling everything else). They are old enough to be very set in their ways. They've done their parenting a long time ago. They are retired and have a relaxed routine at home with (probably) plenty of time - and they are on holiday too. They don't want to deal with crying and stuff. It's understandable- kids are hard work - but it's hurtful when it's your child and you want them to love them as much as you do. The additional pressure of health stuff is difficult too.

I think you could solve a lot of the issues by asking them to stay in a hotel until you have made some progress with the health problems. Or suggest they hire a car so they can come and go as they please. It's not your job to facilitate their holiday - they are grown ups and can easily look after themselves.

youre going to have to stop these visits if they say theyve booked without checking first you just say they cant come youve already got plans

its not a free hotel for them -if not then cut down their visits if they want to stay longer they can go to a hotel