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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Are my own parents taking the piss out of me?

333 replies

Peppapigagainffs · 27/07/2022 09:55

Feeling really hurt and resentful.

Parents have come to stay with us for a couple of weeks, we live in a lovely, hot place abroad.
Df wakes v early and needs to be up and out doing things. He often decides in his own head what he wants to do and engineers it so we work around him.
I have a 4 year old Dd, who needs her sleep and has some tummy issues at the moment.
Df often gets up early and goes out for a walk and then arranges for us to go and pick him up/meet him briefly for coffee, as he’s bored by then as has had a coffee and wants to go.
If I say we’re having a quiet day in (has been once in almost two weeks) they get up and go out early themselves for a walk/don’t have breakfast with us etc.
I drive them somewhere nice every day and they often come back, nap or watch tv and then I make dinner for everyone. My mum occasionally washes up, dad doesn’t do anything. I Hoover and mop whilst they sit watching the news. They never offer to have Dd, have never babysat, we’ve not had a break for 4 years.
They pay for all food shopping, petrol and lunches when out. This I obviously appreciate as I can’t afford to live my normal life like I’m on holiday and wouldn’t drive everyday somewhere or have lunches out and eat as much as they do.
Just feel resentful of being woke up at 6 everyday by Df being loud and expected to work to his schedule and if I’m not planning to go out, they just go out, no sitting for breakfast or asking what we’re doing.
No one offers to cook, although they do pay for a couple of takeaways. Have a few days left and don’t want to be simmering with resentment and hurt and leave things on a bad note. When they leave they say a thanks for everything and mum often leaves a bit of money on my bedroom dressing table.
Aibu in feeling sort of used & hurt, would you?

OP posts:
abblie · 27/07/2022 15:30

Imagine how they felt when you where younger and mother and father cooking, cleaning, bringing you everywhere and picking up after you 😂😂😂😂 it's rhe circle of life enjoy it while you can 1 day they will not be here

Enjoy rest of holiday with them

abblie · 27/07/2022 15:33

The replies to this post 😂😂😂😂 they are not visitors they are her PARENTS jeepers you all done this on your parents when you where younger lol

rookiemere · 27/07/2022 15:33

Peppapigagainffs · 27/07/2022 15:18

@tiedyetie My df also says ‘What are we doing today’ or asks the day before, I wouldn’t mind this at all IF it then didn’t become almost all about his own plans. There’s no compromise, no even a day for a lunch and then playground for Dd etc, it’s all lunches out and then Dd obviously doesn’t sit for long or gets bored. I’ve said this and that things are different now having Dd…but nothing changes.

Nothing changes because you continue to put up with it.
Just tell them what you're doing. If they go out before you're up - all the better. Tell them in advance that you can't pick them up at certain times. For the hospital visits - you're worried about DD and need to concentrate on what the health professionals are telling you so you can't drop them off or pick them up.
Put your DD first.

abblie · 27/07/2022 15:34

GettinPiggyWithIt · 27/07/2022 10:44

When we lived abroad our parents were so aware that we were on our own with a babe and we used to be sent away for weekends alone and they of course helped with housework.

Your parents are selfish.

Omg 😂 they aren't their to babysit ffs

Pallisers · 27/07/2022 15:43

abblie · 27/07/2022 15:34

Omg 😂 they aren't their to babysit ffs

Show quote history

no they are there for a very cheap holiday in the sun with their daughter as resort facilitator. not nice.

What would bother me the most here is that they have no interest in their 4 year old granddaughter - which is about as cute an age as you can get. I cannot get my head around them not wanting to push her on the swings or go to the hospital appointment to support the OP. Well I can actually now that I think of it. FIL had no interest in his grandchildren. It was his loss in the end. He is dead now as is my dad who adored his grandchildren. My children have lovely memories and photos with grandad from when he would visit and lots of funny letters and postcards. They still talk about him. They have no memories of their other grandfather.

MargotChateau · 27/07/2022 15:45

@abblie have you actually read all of the OP’s posts?

If you had and had read that the parents come for 2 months of the year out of 12, that the child has a chronic illness that the parents refuse to work around then I doubt you would have this response and if you did I’d be pretty shocked if you still found it acceptable.

Wafflesnsniffles · 27/07/2022 15:50

I would refuse to go and pick df from the morning walk cafe for a start - why cant he walk back? (sorry if you've address that issue already upthread)

Samarie123 · 27/07/2022 15:52

One day they wont be around. Try not to be resentful.

Mary46 · 27/07/2022 15:53

Op it doesnt work my mam would be the same. Her timetable and agenda. Your parents sound nice but a 4 yr old has her routine too. We dont bring my mam away for this reason as people want different things away

MargotChateau · 27/07/2022 16:13

@Samarie123 did you actually read the all OP’s posts?

The parents are there two months of every year, she’s running around after them and trying to care for a chronically ill child and they are actively making this child’s life harder by making it hard for the child to safely toilet when needed and blocking her from playing and doing the things a four year old should be doing.

My mother is terminally ill, my father and stepfather are both dead , the miss them when they are dead doesn’t hold water, it doesn’t mean parents can treat you like crap because you’l miss them when their dead, your are more likely to miss them when you have a healthy relationship with them!

Meraas · 27/07/2022 16:18

She looked annoyed/pissed off as wanted it so they could sit out in the garden, fine, but at the expense of what I want in my garden

They really see your house as an extension of their own.

They sound insufferable, you need to get annoyed with them!

theleafandnotthetree · 27/07/2022 16:38

Samarie123 · 27/07/2022 15:52

One day they wont be around. Try not to be resentful.

Well ultimately none of us will be around, doesn't preclude us from behaving like decent human beings while we are! Of all the stupid arguments....

saraclara · 27/07/2022 16:40

SillySausage81 · 27/07/2022 10:32

It sounds from here like you've got quite a few expectations or wishes of how you'd like them to behave but you haven't actually communicated that to them. And it’s unfair to hold people to standards they don’t even know exist.

Tbqh from what you’ve said, your parents seem like fairly easy guests. I don’t expect my mum to do any mopping or laundry when she’s in my house and I don’t do any when I’m at hers. It sounds like they are good at occupying themselves and aren’t doing anything too annoying. If my parents acted like that in my house I would be fine with it.

But I do think you should ask directly for the things you want. For example, just straight up say: “do you think you could babysit DD one evening this week so me and DH can go out?” or “would you take DD to the park this afternoon while I’m doing the laundry?” or if they suggest going out for lunch for the 4th day in a row say “tbh it’s a bit boring for DD four days in a row, could we have a picnic in the park instead?” Then if they say no to all of that, then you have grounds to say they are being unreasonable, but not until then.

All of this.

I've been reading all your posts wanting to scream at you to COMMUNICATE.

You want them to mind the kids or cook a meal, or help around the house, but you've not actually asked them to in any clear way at all.

Just ask, for goodness' sake. Whether it's asking them to wash up, or hang the washing out, or whatever, just ask. If you want them to babysit while you and DH go out for once, just ask. If they refuse, then yes, you've got a problem. And yes, if they don't want to cook but are happy to pay for a takeaway instead, then that's okay.

But you're doing this passive stuff if expecting them to magically know what you want. 'if you cared about me you'd know what I need' really isn't a helpful way to go about things. There are plenty of people on mumsnet who complain of their visiting parents start cleaning, because they see it as implied criticism, for instance.

So yes. Communicate. Ask. Be clear.

saraclara · 27/07/2022 16:48

My df also says ‘What are we doing today’ or asks the day before

"DD and I aren't doing anything tomorrow. We need a quiet day at home, and I'm not feeling 100%*. If you'd like to go out here are the bus timetables/ the number for a taxi"

*No need to elaborate. You're knackered and want a day off. So at best you're only about 95%

rosemarysageandthyme · 27/07/2022 16:53

Well... two weeks is too long in somebody else's home. Even for parents

Just grin and bear. They're probably stuck in their ways and you don't want to fall out with them. Especially as they live in another country

6am isnt that early. My 4 y/o wakes at 6am every day

Just be grateful they're going soon and you can get back to normal

They're your parents so you can't begrudge a few meals

FictionalCharacter · 27/07/2022 17:11

Oh my god, they do this 3-4 times a year? They’re using you as a holiday home and thinking it’s ok because they give you money. It’s like they’re not coming to see you at all, just having a holiday.
It must be absolutely exhausting looking after inconsiderate guests for that long. And it’s not right that you get no respite and don’t even get to go out.
I wouldn’t want them to come again unless they’re prepared to think of you as a daughter and not a skivvy. The leat they could do is babysit a couple of times.

MargotChateau · 27/07/2022 17:12

@rosemarysageandthyme except it’s not just two weeks, it’s a total of two months of the year out of twelve 😩

rosemarysageandthyme · 27/07/2022 17:14

@MargotChateau / OP too much. Lay down some rules.

70billionthnamechange · 27/07/2022 17:20

I never let my parents lift a finger when they come to me

crimsonlake · 27/07/2022 17:20

Tbh I do not think whatever they did would suit you.
You want them to spend more time with your DD, but complain you have to accompany them on trips out which involve your daughter.
You would like them to occupy themselves and go out, but then say you want them to spend time with your DD?
It sounds as if they are providing a lot financially but you complain you would also like them to cook?
As far as your father being loud in the morning, why on earth can you not simply ask him to dry and be a bit quieter?

antelopevalley · 27/07/2022 17:30

@saraclara But OP complains they go out without her, she wants them to stay at home with her.

MargotChateau · 27/07/2022 17:35

@crimsonlake do your parents stay with you for two months out of twelve? It’s insane!!!

mackthepony · 27/07/2022 18:10

I never let my parents lift a finger when they come to me

^

Okayyy.... How long do they stay with you for? And do you have small kids and a ft job?

EmmaH2022 · 27/07/2022 18:20

Samarie123 · 27/07/2022 15:52

One day they wont be around. Try not to be resentful.

<headdesk>

MzHz · 27/07/2022 18:59

I’d hate this.

I’ve put my feelings about house guests to one side, as I know some people love guests and it’s all fine and dandy

even allowing for being guest friendly etc, I do feel that you’re not being unreasonable to feel like they are taking the piss, because I do think they are.

you do also need to stop being so polite and be much clearer about what is and isn’t happening in your house while they’re there

a one off trip is one thing, but they’re inviting themselves to weeks/months of the year and therefore you have to reach a compromise on what happens

1 - you tell your dad NOT to eke the household up under any circumstances, and if he wants the freedom to rattle around from 6am, that he will be better off in a hotel/bnb in future.

2- They need to sort themselves out for lunches leaving you and dd to do whatever works for you and take cabs/Ubers or rent a car to bumble about. You’ve got daily life to get on with and you’re not on holiday so they will have to muck in and help or be much more independent

3 - the hurrying up of little dd is the last straw for you and you’ve been accommodating up to now, but this is where you’re drawing the line. Tell them you’re suspicious that if you didn’t live somewhere nice/holiday destination you’re fairly sure you wouldn’t see them for anything like the time they’re spend and as a trade off it MUST work for you too. Takeaway is all well and good, but treating dd like an inconvenience and not offering to babysit or entertain their own gd is crap and making you very tired and resentful because their visits are clearly not about seeing you or dd, but having a holiday. Tell them you’re feeling a bit used!