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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Help - don't want to stay at the in-laws house

161 replies

UpsyDaisy789 · 27/07/2022 07:22

So my in-laws have very recently moved several hours away. When they've talked about us coming to see them, they've said about us staying at theirs. When we first found out about the move, I said that we'd find nearby accommodation as it would be better for us as a family (we have a baby and a toddler). At the time, they said, no we won't hear of it! I know that my in-laws will look after us when we go up there but I think it will be too suffocating at theirs and it just puts me off going to be honest. The risk is, they'll be offended.

I know they'll be excited to see the grandchildren and it will be lovely to see them. However, I just want to feel like I don't have to stay with them and we can have our own space to just be us. With a baby and toddler, there's obviously the chaos that come with that. My mother in law is quite particular and does tend to take over a bit. If I stand up at theirs to get something for the children, she'll literally be on me instantly trying to help. I just find it too much.

The new place they've got is a two bed bungalow, two bathrooms so that's fine, but it's not very spacious by the looks of the photos, for 6 of us.

I'm also concerned that they'll plan out an itinerary for us when we're there, places to visit etc. We will only be able to go at weekends or school holidays (due to work). For weekends after work, we're pretty tired anyway and the thought of the drive there with two little ones then an itinerary of activities planned out just fills me with dread.

AIBU to not want to stay with them? They're offering so should I just suck it up and say yes? Or should I say no from the first time we go so they know where we stand?

OP posts:
rookiemere · 27/07/2022 07:23

What does your DH want to do ?
Are there rental apartments or hotels nearby ?

Original poster
UpsyDaisy789 · 27/07/2022 07:24

Also, for anyone else in a similar position, how often do you visit parents/inlaws if you or them have moved away?

OP posts:
badbaduncle · 27/07/2022 07:24

What does your husband think. You don't mention him once!

Dotcheck · 27/07/2022 07:27

If it was a short visit, I’d try it.

As for the itinerary- just say no to things which would mess with your children’s schedule, and to things which you don’t want to do/ aren’t appropriate

Friendship101 · 27/07/2022 07:28

We aren’t quite as far but in a similar situation. We stay with in laws. I hadn’t considered staying somewhere else and I don’t really get on with them but there’s no disagreements either.
with the travel we either go school holidays or bank holidays. About 3 times a year usually and they come to stay with us twice a year.

Original poster
UpsyDaisy789 · 27/07/2022 07:29

Sorry, I didn't mention dh did I. To be honest, he's not very close with his parents in that their relationship has been difficult in the past although they're OK now. However, I think he'd be happier than me to stay at theirs but he's also said that he sees my point about it being too much and is equally happy to stay nearby.

OP posts:
Dotcheck · 27/07/2022 07:29

Btw
I used to love staying at in laws when my kids were small. They would often watch the kids for a bit while we went off for a coffee/ etc. Very welcomed!

lovemelongtime · 27/07/2022 07:30

Stick to your guns and find an Airbnb or similar. It will be harder if you stay with them once to change it the next time. Agree it's too much all in one house.

Soontobe60 · 27/07/2022 07:30

For the first visit, I’d stay 1 night. Set off early Saturday and return Sunday lunchtime. Ask them not to plan anything for that visit as you don’t know how tired the children might be. I do think you’re being churlish to not even try one visit though.

SapphosRock · 27/07/2022 07:31

Get DH to arrange one night where the in laws babysit and you go out for dinner. It will make the rest seem worth it.

Soontobe60 · 27/07/2022 07:31

UpsyDaisy789 · 27/07/2022 07:29

Sorry, I didn't mention dh did I. To be honest, he's not very close with his parents in that their relationship has been difficult in the past although they're OK now. However, I think he'd be happier than me to stay at theirs but he's also said that he sees my point about it being too much and is equally happy to stay nearby.

In other words, he’s sitting on the fence because he doesn’t want to upset anyone!

PurpleDaisies · 27/07/2022 07:31

Why not just give it a go for a weekend? What’s the worst that could happen? If it doesn’t work, you just make alternate arrangements next time.

RaininSummer · 27/07/2022 07:32

I think it's nice to stay with family and helps the children to bond and have lovely memories if their grandparents home. Could you try it once and if it's too much then not again as it will be a bit of a squeeze no doubt.

Cervinia · 27/07/2022 07:34

I think one night to start is a great compromise, not long enough for any of you to end up falling out, and you can bring all your paraphernalia for the kids and spread it around their home so they are more open to you staying elsewhere next time 🤭

Dibble135 · 27/07/2022 07:34

My in-laws have been asking us to stay over a lot during the 7 years we’ve been married. My response? No thank you. I’m an adult so I decide where I stay and don’t owe anyone an explanation for my choice.

And before anyone jumps on me, it’s not personal. I don’t stay the night at friends or my family either. I don’t like being in someone’s space and prefer my own.

Thefruitbatdancer · 27/07/2022 07:35

Does your family live nearby to you? Does your dh stay over or does he object about requiring space because your family are too full on like your in-laws?

For the first visit, I'd go and test it because they're excited about moving to a new house. Don't cause problems where there are none, I say this as my in laws aren't as welcoming as yours.

Lysianthus · 27/07/2022 07:35

I've recently had a similar situation (except they moved to different country). Only one bathroom! I turned it into "the sleep patterns are different/don't want to make too much work for you/we'll spend all mealtimes with you" and then sent them the details of our lovely apartment which we rented for three nights. I think presenting them with a fait accompli is easy to stick to and difficult for them to argue with.
Alternatively you could stay once, if it works then great but if it doesn't, make sure they can see for themselves (politely of course, no point falling out with them) why it's not the best idea. That way you've set the tone for staying elsewhere on future trips.

Original poster
UpsyDaisy789 · 27/07/2022 07:35

I wouldn't even want to stay with my own parents in a two bed bungalow and I'm really close with them. It just feels very different with my inlaws. I just want a bit of space and to not feel like I have to be on top form for them the whole time we're there, making conversation etc.

OP posts:
Original poster
UpsyDaisy789 · 27/07/2022 07:38

Dibble135 · 27/07/2022 07:34

My in-laws have been asking us to stay over a lot during the 7 years we’ve been married. My response? No thank you. I’m an adult so I decide where I stay and don’t owe anyone an explanation for my choice.

And before anyone jumps on me, it’s not personal. I don’t stay the night at friends or my family either. I don’t like being in someone’s space and prefer my own.

@DDibble135 yes, I get what you mean. Actually, it wouldn't matter if it was my inlaws, my family or our friends, I agree, I prefer to have my own space too.

OP posts:
Classicblunder · 27/07/2022 07:39

I would just deal with it - how often are you going to go? Maybe 3-4 times a year - not worth making a big fuss over staying separately. Communicate with them over number of activities you want to do and agree with PP about getting them to babysit for an evening

Inkyblue123 · 27/07/2022 07:40

I stay with the in-laws for holidays - they live abroad. It’s fine for a week but any longer and I do get cabin fever! The house is like a museum with trinkets everything - at toddler height 🙄 I don’t like their food… but I suck it up a twice a year

Samarie123 · 27/07/2022 07:41

Maybe you could just 'suck it up' for a few days and see how it goes. As someone else mentioned - they could watch the kids while you go out for a bit.

TBH I wouldn't like it either , but would give it a try if it's only a few days.

Pottedpalm · 27/07/2022 07:41

Go for a weekend. Why do you need time on your own for just one weekend. Muck in and do things together. Accept the help offered and let your DC get to know their grandparents. Relax, you might even enjoy it.

reluctantbrit · 27/07/2022 07:45

I would try it out for one or two nights. Yes, it will be a tiring weekend but doable.

We always stayed with our family. until DD outgrew her travel cot as there was no way to sleep three in a small second bedroom. Slightly more space with my mum but she thenmoved to a flat when DD was 7.

While it was ok, I didn't like the lack of privacy and it's just too close. We now have an appartment around the. corner. Much nicer.

I wouldn't. say no to arrange trips, it may make the visit easier if it's something the children would enjoy doing. I think a house with no toys is boring for them after 1 hour.

Original poster
UpsyDaisy789 · 27/07/2022 07:46

I just feel like, I'd be more inclined to go and visit them if we could stay somewhere else. And enjoy it more too.
Plus, at the moment, they only have a blow up bed for our eldest and a travel cot for the youngest. Not even sure where we'd put our eldest if it's only 2 bed. And the travel cot is fine for now but at 11 months (and quite big) dd really won't be in it for much longer.
I know it seems like I'm finding reasons not to stay at theirs but I am getting worried about it all and I just think it's off putting to even go.

OP posts:
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