Help - don't want to stay at the in-laws house

[UpsyDaisy789]

So my in-laws have very recently moved several hours away. When they've talked about us coming to see them, they've said about us staying at theirs. When we first found out about the move, I said that we'd find nearby accommodation as it would be better for us as a family (we have a baby and a toddler). At the time, they said, no we won't hear of it! I know that my in-laws will look after us when we go up there but I think it will be too suffocating at theirs and it just puts me off going to be honest. The risk is, they'll be offended.

I know they'll be excited to see the grandchildren and it will be lovely to see them. However, I just want to feel like I don't have to stay with them and we can have our own space to just be us. With a baby and toddler, there's obviously the chaos that come with that. My mother in law is quite particular and does tend to take over a bit. If I stand up at theirs to get something for the children, she'll literally be on me instantly trying to help. I just find it too much.

The new place they've got is a two bed bungalow, two bathrooms so that's fine, but it's not very spacious by the looks of the photos, for 6 of us.

I'm also concerned that they'll plan out an itinerary for us when we're there, places to visit etc. We will only be able to go at weekends or school holidays (due to work). For weekends after work, we're pretty tired anyway and the thought of the drive there with two little ones then an itinerary of activities planned out just fills me with dread.

AIBU to not want to stay with them? They're offering so should I just suck it up and say yes? Or should I say no from the first time we go so they know where we stand?

angst I do have an adult DS (only DC) and I absolutely would not mind if he choose never to stay with me with his DP and any potential DGC ... why should I? I am not so needy that I need to cling to them 24/7 ... I want to be comfortable in my own home and I want them to be comfortable - if that means staying in an AirBnB or hotel (I would happily pay) then I can totally understand it's better for all of us.

Similar situation to you, in-laws about 5hrs away. We've stayed at theirs previously but found it quite stressful and not enjoyable so have agreed that all future visits will consist of us staying in an Air BnB nearby and just driving over to theirs or meeting them somewhere.

Ragwort
i don’t think having your adult son and family staying a few times a year is exactly ‘clinging to them 24/7’ or being needy. Agreed that if the accommodation doesn’t really work staying nearby is an excellent idea, but there does seem to be a large cohort of DILs who really don’t like their husbands’ parents, particularly mothers. It’s very sad and perhaps a bit more tolerance and kindness on both sides might be nice. It feels like a case of whatever MILs do is wrong, if they’re too helpful they’re overbearing, if they sit back they’re seen as not interested.

It's not 'the having them to stay' that's needy and clingy it's the expectation that they have to stay in your home to have a good relationship... I think many relationships thrive precisely because you don't have to put up with uncomfortable beds, shared bathrooms, different expectations on when to get up in the morning etc etc.

Try it once for a one-night stay only, and see how it goes? You can prime DH to talk to his mother before you go and impress on her you need a very relaxed stay; please don't arrange anything.

If it's a disaster you;ve got the perfect excuse that NEXT TIME we rent our own Air BNB or hotel room. Or, you might get a nice lie-in while the GP's give the children breakfast, dress and play; or you all walk to the family friendly pub for a nice lunch.

Probably more the mils than fils because the fils give no fucks and are happy to do whatever whenever. Certainly the case with my in-laws. My fil you’ll find In front of ty tv with a beer or cooking a leisurely roast handing out drinks a little chit chat here and there. Mil will be on you like a fly around a turd but not for any particular reason other than to be right there knowing everything doing everything yet nothing at the same time.

Even when we have holidayed with them. Breakfast is whenever every one is up via fil. Via mil it’s like a military operation about sausages and rolls and everyone is given a task of pointless but massively important.

^This^

Do you do the same when you're at your parents' house?

ohMyGodDont ‘
’like a fly round a turd’...I rest my case.

Incredible, isn’t it? The misogyny is endless - and depressing.

The only relevant question here is whether they bother OP.

Best not to fall into the trap of Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain: either with the in-laws or on this thread. The moment you do this, people start to grapple for reasons why you should do what they want you do to, rather than what's in your best interests.

As a PP suggested, present it as a fait accompli. 'We've decided this is how things will work best for us, we're sure you understand' is all the explanation necessary.