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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Help - don't want to stay at the in-laws house

161 replies

UpsyDaisy789 · 27/07/2022 07:22

So my in-laws have very recently moved several hours away. When they've talked about us coming to see them, they've said about us staying at theirs. When we first found out about the move, I said that we'd find nearby accommodation as it would be better for us as a family (we have a baby and a toddler). At the time, they said, no we won't hear of it! I know that my in-laws will look after us when we go up there but I think it will be too suffocating at theirs and it just puts me off going to be honest. The risk is, they'll be offended.

I know they'll be excited to see the grandchildren and it will be lovely to see them. However, I just want to feel like I don't have to stay with them and we can have our own space to just be us. With a baby and toddler, there's obviously the chaos that come with that. My mother in law is quite particular and does tend to take over a bit. If I stand up at theirs to get something for the children, she'll literally be on me instantly trying to help. I just find it too much.

The new place they've got is a two bed bungalow, two bathrooms so that's fine, but it's not very spacious by the looks of the photos, for 6 of us.

I'm also concerned that they'll plan out an itinerary for us when we're there, places to visit etc. We will only be able to go at weekends or school holidays (due to work). For weekends after work, we're pretty tired anyway and the thought of the drive there with two little ones then an itinerary of activities planned out just fills me with dread.

AIBU to not want to stay with them? They're offering so should I just suck it up and say yes? Or should I say no from the first time we go so they know where we stand?

OP posts:
houseofboy · 27/07/2022 08:01

Mine live couple of hours away always have done. Pre children we stayed and still do but I has tried to restrict to a day so we go first thing and then get kids ready for bed and drive home. I have the opposite issue in that they don't do anything with the kids so we have to think about how to keep them entertained and it just gets frustrating. We have also met a couple of times half way for a day trip. I sympathise don't think there is a good solution to be honest.

Holly60 · 27/07/2022 08:01

Holly60 · 27/07/2022 07:57

What does overpowering and suffocating look like? Are you able to give examples? I don't know if the things that bother you would bother me

For example, whereas you find it annoying that your MIL jumps up too when you go to do something for your children, I would have just sat down again and let her get on with it 😂

Limecoconutice · 27/07/2022 08:03

Sorry, should have added, "I feel more comfortable staying in a hotel, and that way we don't disturb you"

User000111 · 27/07/2022 08:03

Could you say having the baby in the same room as the toddler wouldn't work? Say the baby would wake the toddler and that the toddler gets very grumpy if they don't sleep well. If I were the in-laws I'd definitely think that was fair x

Thegreatestshowoff · 27/07/2022 08:07

We have this but with my DM. Downsized and it is such a crush to stay there. Good with the DC but it’s impossible to sleep, all crammed into one small room and we end up more knackered than when we arrive! Not a relaxing break at all 😥

LondonWolf · 27/07/2022 08:09

Well it just sounds like how extended families usually do things tbh. Just a normal state of affairs, with minor irritants and inconveniences, which you suck up because it's family and it's nice to be together sometimes.

HappyHappyHermit · 27/07/2022 08:10

You are finding silly reasons, it is normal for people to go and stay with their parents/parents in law so you just have to do it. It doesn't have to be your favourite trip ever, you just should bemaking the best of it. Imagine if your child grows up and says they don't want to stay with you as their partner doesn't fancy it. You would feel hurt and sad.

Original poster
UpsyDaisy789 · 27/07/2022 08:10

Limecoconutice · 27/07/2022 07:58

Absolutely agree with this^^ !

Just book your accommodation and explain that the DC are up in the night making a lot of noise and it's a tough stage of parenting... less stressful to have your own space with feeding and napping etc.. .

That way you will feel less anxious and enjoy it more! And you set a precedent for next time! Travelling with small DC is stressful enough without being able to make yourself a cup of tea at 3 am.

Explain it to your in laws using "I" statements. "I feel more comfortable staying in a hotel".

Some people are the "let's all muck in together" types and some are definitely not! It's no one's fault but you can't force yourself to be different. I definitely need my own space and loathe staying with others. There is no point in pretending otherwise, so we stay nearby in a hotel when we visit family, and that's the best I can do.

And the added bonus is that you can invite the people you are visiting to tea at your place and show them some hospitality too.

Show quote history

@Limecoconutice thank you. You're comment makes a lot of sense and I like the idea about inviting them to us if we had an Airbnb.
Like you said, I can't be someone I'm not and I think with our own space, I'll be less stressed which is nicer for everyone 🙈😂

OP posts:
WudYouSayItInRealLife · 27/07/2022 08:11

You should try it. It sounds fine to me.
What about your husband going with the kids without you?

bubblescoop · 27/07/2022 08:12

This is all very me me me and I think you’re being very selfish. It’s a few days at most so yes, you should stay with them.

Everyone else would love it, including your kids, so you just need to suck it up.

UmbaRumba · 27/07/2022 08:13

I would just say that sounds lovely but we think it’s best if we book somewhere
I think giving it a go then saying you are booking somewhere next time is more insulting
I need my own breathing space , it makes me better company and a better parent tbh

AuntieMarys · 27/07/2022 08:14

Definitely book AirB&B.
Everyone gets space and time to themselves.

MermaidSwimming · 27/07/2022 08:16

I'd go for one night, see how it works. If it's awful then you know it's only 1 night and next time you can say you'll stay elsewhere

Youcancallmeirrelevant · 27/07/2022 08:17

I think you should give it a go, then make future decisions based on how it went.

Visiting but not staying means you'll be very limited on when you'll be at theres,will you be there for dinner or would you go to wherever you are staying for dinner, then kids bedtimes so presuming that may wipe out most evenings which would be much easier if you were staying at theirs.

If you really don't want to stay then just book somewhere else

Vikinga · 27/07/2022 08:19

Just say you would love to see them but it would be easier for you if you had your own space.

LookItsMeAgain · 27/07/2022 08:20

UpsyDaisy789 · 27/07/2022 07:29

Sorry, I didn't mention dh did I. To be honest, he's not very close with his parents in that their relationship has been difficult in the past although they're OK now. However, I think he'd be happier than me to stay at theirs but he's also said that he sees my point about it being too much and is equally happy to stay nearby.

Then HE needs to be the one to tell his parents (probably just his Mum because I have a feeling that his dad wouldn't be heavily involved in making the room available to you to stay in)
"No mum, when we come to visit, we'll be staying in the rooms at The White Lion/Holiday Inn/Premier Inn as it is better for us all, particularly the kids. We'll be up to see you each day but we'll be staying there. Maybe when the kids are older we'll be able to stay with you but while they are little, this is best."

Twiglets1 · 27/07/2022 08:21

Your husband needs to support you on this not sit on the fence. When I visit my in laws I always stay in a B&B or house rental and we’ve been doing that for about 25 years! They get used to it in the end 😉 It’s better for everyone to have your own space & privacy

balalake · 27/07/2022 08:23

Could you have somewhere about say an hour away that you really want to visit and stay, so you just went for the day?

SallyWD · 27/07/2022 08:26

As long as they're not horrible I'd suck it up to be honest (but I'm not one to rock the boat). My in-laws live abroad so when we stay there we go for 2 to 3 weeks at a time! They're lovely but we're very different and I definitely need more personal space than them! However, we just get on with it. If we need our space we go out for a walk. Now the children are older we sometimes leave the children with them and DH and I have a night away (bliss).

AndOnAnd · 27/07/2022 08:26

As they are intrusive, l would stay at a local hotel. Don't set a precedent. Only go once a year also. Staying with people is a nightmare, never mind babies and overbearing in-laws.

Readinginthesun · 27/07/2022 08:28

Have I missed where you said how long you are going for ?
Most people like their own space but could put with a week . You like your ILs and it sounds like they want to help ? Can you not at least try ?

MadameMonk · 27/07/2022 08:30

You’ve got a saleswoman task ahead, but it’ll be worth it. Excellent advice above on this thread. So def book the accomodation (before mentioning it), then be extra excited about the time you’ll spend with them and how much you’re looking forward to planning the activities WITH them for the visit. Let them know that you’ll need all that space at theirs they’re so keen to prep for you, even for visits.

Plan a zoom call to discuss, and send them a document outlining your family schedule so they are reminded how things really are at this age and stage. Be positive (but clear as a bell) about the daily limit of hours of ‘outings’ against home time. Mention some older friends/family that you hung out with recently who really brought home to you How Prescriptive Life Is atm, and How Much Things Have Changed in child-raising in recent decades. Frame it that you are concerned with making sure your adult get-together isn’t marred by screaming unhappy kids.

And yes, around Day 4, plan a night out of several hours with your partner, leaving them to babysit. Just as they will have started to whine to each other privately that you’re ‘exaggerating’ and killing everyone’s fun by your ‘crazy’ schedule- show them that a) you are into fun actually, and b) it’s harder to childmind than they think. You got this. Sticking to your guns will actually ensure future happy visits.

katienana · 27/07/2022 08:32

First time go and stay, see what it's like, it might be ok and then you can put the money you'd spend on a hotel towards a proper break. If I were you I'd suggest you get the bed with the kids in with you and dh goes on blow up bed in lounge.
Having things planned is way better than being expected to sit around doing nothing with repeats of midsummer murders on. I get bored at my in laws for this reason!

Glitteratitar · 27/07/2022 08:34

My in laws are several hours away. We visit for a weekend every couple of months, and then two weeks in the summer and half a week at Christmas.

I do find the longer stays suffocating but I just get on with it. It’s not like I see them all the time and we see my family so much more, that I don’t object to staying with them.

underneaththeash · 27/07/2022 08:35

I'd go in the school holidays as there are fewer activities for pre-schoolers during that time and it might feel like a change of scenery. If you go this school holiday, it's a chance to just go for a couple of days as "you have things on".

Try it. It probably won't work. My MIL also has a small 2 bedroom bungalow and it was okay with one small child, but after 2 children, there was just not the space and DH ends up going with one or other of the children by himself. The times I have gone, if she has got a bit overbearing, I've popped out of a coffee - to pick stuff up, or just for a bit of a walk so that DH can spend some time with his mum.

If it doesn't work, the next time you can say, obviously, last time was a bit cramped, so we'll stay nearby or DH can just go with the toddler.