Help - don't want to stay at the in-laws house

[UpsyDaisy789]

So my in-laws have very recently moved several hours away. When they've talked about us coming to see them, they've said about us staying at theirs. When we first found out about the move, I said that we'd find nearby accommodation as it would be better for us as a family (we have a baby and a toddler). At the time, they said, no we won't hear of it! I know that my in-laws will look after us when we go up there but I think it will be too suffocating at theirs and it just puts me off going to be honest. The risk is, they'll be offended.

I know they'll be excited to see the grandchildren and it will be lovely to see them. However, I just want to feel like I don't have to stay with them and we can have our own space to just be us. With a baby and toddler, there's obviously the chaos that come with that. My mother in law is quite particular and does tend to take over a bit. If I stand up at theirs to get something for the children, she'll literally be on me instantly trying to help. I just find it too much.

The new place they've got is a two bed bungalow, two bathrooms so that's fine, but it's not very spacious by the looks of the photos, for 6 of us.

I'm also concerned that they'll plan out an itinerary for us when we're there, places to visit etc. We will only be able to go at weekends or school holidays (due to work). For weekends after work, we're pretty tired anyway and the thought of the drive there with two little ones then an itinerary of activities planned out just fills me with dread.

AIBU to not want to stay with them? They're offering so should I just suck it up and say yes? Or should I say no from the first time we go so they know where we stand?

Staying at both GPS houses are some of my most treasured memories. I think yabu to not try it at least.

Just thinking OP- could you book an Airbnb but let the toddler have a sleepover with grandparents one night? Then they get to do bath and bedtime with toddler and you get a bit more of a relaxed evening, but they are close by if you are needed?

That might be a nice compromise?

I think it’s really sad that people say stuff like this. The husband might want to see his parents more than once a year, is it really too much to put up with for a short weekend?

I totally get you, I like my own space, I'm not close to my in laws...but I still go and stay with them sometimes. Because it's not just about me, it's normal for a lot of families to want their family to visit them at their home and I can understand some people being upset that their grown child would rather pay to stay somewhere else than with me. So for the sake of family relations I will stay with them. Just be firm about the kids routine if you need to. Tell them you've been knackered with the kids recently and really need a nap and go to your room if you need some space and go on your phone or read a book or something.

Another thing we do if we have to go for the whole week is visit for a few days and then go and stay somewhere nice nearby for a few days. Or visit for a few days and organise our own itinerary (though wouldnt stop them coming if they wanted) just saying 'we fancied going to x town tomorrow/ visiting y restaurant'

Basically yes it's not the most enjoyable weekend for me, but it's not awful and I recognise that sometimes as part of a wider family I have to do stuff that I'm not that wild about to keep a good relationship. And it's one weekend of minor annoyances, it's not a lot to put up with

That depends a lot on practical circumstances and family dynamics.

A night or two in a cramped room - will work but it wouldn't be something I would do for a holiday or longer stay. Not every parent still has a 3-4 bedroom place when the children move out. Or a place where you can sleep small children without rearranging rooms/furnitures/safe guard a place.

Why would I feel hurt if a child doesn't stay with me? Maybe I would also enjoy the fact that my bathroom is mine. and not shared. Maybe I like the fact that I can sleep in a bit instead of running into guests in the mornig.

When we visit family we arrange a time in the morning to meet, often for breakfast, and then do things together or on our own. I am often cooking as I know how DD likes her food and also give the parents a break. A visit can be great without being around each other 24/7.

Bollocks to that. Book your own place and be bright and breezy, no need for apologies or excuses. You'd rather have your own space is good enough - as a PP said, as an adult, you get to make your own decisions about these things and there's no need to 'try it' for their benefit. One bedroom for a family of four is no one's idea of a nice time. The itinerary etc is stressful. I would feel trapped and be in a bad mood. It's not even like DH has a great relationship with them. Start as you mean to go on and don't be cowed into sucking things up to be meek.

Have you got children? Are you happy that you might only see them once a year when they are grown up, if their partner doesn't like you?

Me and DP live nowhere near our parents. And they are nowhere near each other. Mine are really very far away and I go home maybe 2 times a year? Sometimes just Christmas.

DP goes back a bit more but I only go with him a couple of times. They are lovely people but their house is tiny and it feels like a really squeeze for four adults for more than a night or so

HappyHappy I disagree, I wouldn't be at all disappointed if my adult DS and his partner said they didn't want to stay with me, I would absolutely respect their decision and probably be secretly pleased - having people to stay is a huge faff.

Frim the other point of view, we stayed with my DPs many times over the years ... they lived in a lovely part of the country which was wonderful for cheap holidays. They did have plenty of room, separate bathroom etc but I never really appreciated how hard it must have been for my DH having to 'adjust' to another family's way of doing things, he never really complained but in the later years I used to go on my own a lot more (with our DS) which was easier all round.

Should have said - we've done exactly that and right now are enjoying a lovely holiday cottage close by. Now the kids are older, it works extra well as they can have sleepovers at the grandparents so me and DH have a night here to ourselves. Two kids staying over in a spare room is a very different prospect to a whole family staying over and it feels more like a treat all round rather than this 'it's just what you have to put up with even if it's shit for everyone' flagellation.

I just suggested the sleepover idea to OP - I think it sounds like a great compromise 👍

I hate staying in other peoples houses, I like my own space and my own routine. When visiting my parents, who live 7 hours away, we book the local Premier Inn. I couldn't stay at my parents house let alone the in-laws!

We do activities, we agree the activity and time the evening before and meet there. Doing an activity is better than just sitting in the house and having the toddler destroy the place (my parents house isn't very toddler proof, both parties are anxious about this!).

Meh. I think you should at least give it a go. You don’t really have a concrete reason and everyone else (kids, DH, in-laws) will be happy to do it.

Presumably you are raising your kids to know that they sometimes have to do things they don’t want to for the sake of other people?

God no, the six of you crammed into someone else's 2 bed bungalow, sounds like the type of 1960's holidays I endured as a child because that's all my parents could afford. The minute they could afford it we stayed in our own accommodation.

It's always best to start as you mean to go on, so explain that there are not enough bedrooms and the children will disturb them in the night and then book something close by, much better for everyone. I would also stick to visiting during school holidays and bank holiday weekends so it is less tiring and frenetic for everyone.

I hate staying at my in-laws but i do it for my DH, it doesn’t happen often so I suck it up. I don’t expect my DH loves staying with my parents either but he does so without complaining. Wider family harmony is way more important than getting mildly irritated for the odd weekend every year. I think it’s a real shame to dismiss it based on your own anxieties before you’ve even tried it, you’ll come across as rude and difficult in my opinion.

We used to stay at my in laws when we visited, but that’s in a big house where us and our dcs can have own rooms and space to spread out a bit, even then it’s too much. For us covid was convenient in making them want us to visit but not stay over so we have been able to get it into a habit now that we don’t stay at theirs and stay at hotel nearby instead - so much better!!! We may occasionally still stay with them but the expectation that we will is not there and I’m glad about that.

We are 3 hours away and it’s 2-3 times a year.

For the first few visits could you plan it so that your visit is tagged to something else which just happens to mean you can’t stay with them, that way no precedent of staying with them or being with them for the entire time will be set so then won’t have the issue of trying to pull away for that going forwards

I also think it’s incredibly rude and insensitive to tell someone their house isn’t big enough for guests when they have invited you.

Personally I would just let them know you've decided to book somewhere for the duration of the visit - say you feel it would be much too disruptive for them to have you all in the bungalow 24/7. It would be much nicer to roll up to theirs after breakfast with the children all done and dusted and go off out for the day, same thing in the evening, no bedtime shennanigans with hyper children.

Tell your DH to speak to them. I would stay if it’s a weekend but not a week/summer holiday/Christmas.

But the house isn't.

6 people generally need more than 2 bedrooms, although I appreciate 2 of the party are DCs.

I can't cope with lack of sleep- how dreadfully princessy of me - and that coupled with a hovering MiL would set me over the edge if I had to endure it for more than a couple of nights, and I'd end up being rude through tiredness.

It reminds me of visiting SIL and family. We were on a tatty broken mattress in the back living room which we had to make up ourselves which is how I know that the pillows were yellow through age. I woke up crying on Christmas Day because I was so tired, and then BIL came through at 8am and expected us to have all trace of our existence tidied away.

Next time I said to DH that I was staying at the Premier Inn a 15 minute walk down the road. At first he was resistant "But its faaamily, SIL will be upset." It turned out SIL was not upset and both DH and DS ended up joining me in the PI despite their initial protestations.

It’s only for weekends. Suck it up for everyone else’s sake.

Any longer than a weekend then, yes maybe.

Personally I’d rather spend my money on a proper holiday .

Staying with, especially with small dc, would be easier imo, with the kids needing to go to bed early being able to pop them in bed and go down and chill out with dinner and drinks is better, otherwise you will be saying goodbye by 7 each night to get the kids to bed.

If you feel more comfortable staying else wear then do that. Lifes too short. It sounds like they dont have much space anyway.

I have this chilling view of the future where grown up DD treats my house like a prison visit.. and I see (hypothetical future GC) for an hour at a time.

But, if Airbnb means you visit more regularly fair do's

I'm exactly the same as you OP and would rather stay in a hotel or whatever, hate staying in other people's houses. In laws live a few hours away and unfortunately, it is the default to just stay with them but I never enjoy it. We've just had our first baby and now I'm even more reluctant to stay there tbh. Not sure how to broach it with DH. We do only do 1-2 nights max when we go, no way could I do more.

I feel similarly when they visit us too tbh, would rather they got a hotel/ air b n b as it works better when we have our own space, but if they do stay with us, I say to DH no more than 2 nights. Start to rub me up the wrong way if it's longer than that and MIL is very overbearing and I sense will be with the baby too. It's really difficult and I've longed for in laws that live round the corner so we can just see each other for an hour or so etc, rather than days on end.