Help - don't want to stay at the in-laws house

[UpsyDaisy789]

So my in-laws have very recently moved several hours away. When they've talked about us coming to see them, they've said about us staying at theirs. When we first found out about the move, I said that we'd find nearby accommodation as it would be better for us as a family (we have a baby and a toddler). At the time, they said, no we won't hear of it! I know that my in-laws will look after us when we go up there but I think it will be too suffocating at theirs and it just puts me off going to be honest. The risk is, they'll be offended.

I know they'll be excited to see the grandchildren and it will be lovely to see them. However, I just want to feel like I don't have to stay with them and we can have our own space to just be us. With a baby and toddler, there's obviously the chaos that come with that. My mother in law is quite particular and does tend to take over a bit. If I stand up at theirs to get something for the children, she'll literally be on me instantly trying to help. I just find it too much.

The new place they've got is a two bed bungalow, two bathrooms so that's fine, but it's not very spacious by the looks of the photos, for 6 of us.

I'm also concerned that they'll plan out an itinerary for us when we're there, places to visit etc. We will only be able to go at weekends or school holidays (due to work). For weekends after work, we're pretty tired anyway and the thought of the drive there with two little ones then an itinerary of activities planned out just fills me with dread.

AIBU to not want to stay with them? They're offering so should I just suck it up and say yes? Or should I say no from the first time we go so they know where we stand?

Also this. Everyone’s evening will be over by 6pm because you have to get back to your accommodation get the kids to bed.

It’s always in-laws isn’t it....as people say will you be happy to only see your children and GC once or twice a year (and sense your DIL is hating every minute?). If you have sons be aware of karma.

@Sharrowgirl you say it like it's a bad thing .
After a full day with ILs I'd be delighted to decompress with a glass of wine in my own space at 7pm.

All 4 of you in one room would be the deal breaker for me. The baby and toddler will disturb each other and I'd probably spend the night lying waiting for them to wake each other.

See if you can find somewhere close by and let the toddler stay at the grandparents. When the kids are older they can both stay there while you stay at a hotel or similar.

Whatever you do doesn't have to set a precedent. Things will change and fluctuate as the kids get older. DH may take one child there for a couple of days and stay at the house, or you may take the kids and they both stay there for a week in the school holidays etc. Nothing is set in stone.

Sure and that’s reasonable enough but you’re one person and there are three other adults and two children who might not feel that way.

How often would you go, or be expected to go? Several hours drive twice in a weekend sounds hell if you've got work all the previous week and all the next.

And if you go for longer in the school holidays, how long are we talking about and would you/DH have enough leave left to go on a 'proper' holiday somewhere or would it mean that that was your holiday?

Those are the things that would bother me at least as much as the staying with them/AirBnB/whatever.

Stay somewhere locally and visit as a previous poster said if you stay once it will be harder to change the next time.Tbh the mil seems a bit bossy and it will wreck your head,these are your holidays to remember

My in laws are a few hours away and similarly live in a two bed bungalow - we suck it up and stay with them with our 4 month old, it’s nice for them to spend as much time as they can with their grandson due to the distance.
My in laws are fairly relaxed though and give us our space, no itinerary etc

I wouldn't over think it. If you would feel more comfortable just book alternative accommodation, let your dh tell them.

Both sets of parents are several hours away. We have always stayed with in laws for weekends 2/3 times a year with our 4 kids (and dog!) as they have plenty of space. They would normally arrange an activity/outing of some sort, and cook but otherwise left us to it with the kids, they are helpful rather than overbearing. I quite enjoyed the break from cooking. My parents have a smaller house so we have rented a cottage nearby and planned our visits for week-long trips in the school holidays once/year. I would only stay with them if visiting without DH and taking just 1 or 2 of the kids ( blow up bed/sharing bed type arrangement). Both sets of parents would visit and stay with us 2/3 times a year each. Kids are young adults now and this set up has worked fine and kept family relations good. I think the Airbnb option is good if the space at in laws is an issue. Now that my own kids are embarking on adult lives I do hope they come home to roost regularly.

I'd go the other way and say stay the first time, but for two nights max only.
That way you'll have a proper assessment of how it feels and if you do decide to stay somewhere else you can base it on fact - the two DCs kept waking each other up - rather than simply being resistant to doing it.

Also once ILs experience the reality of having 4 additional people in their home, they may also be less keen to repeat the experience and may contribute to your alternative accommodation.

I hate having house guests and hate staying at other people's houses. If finances didn't allow to stay elsewhere then I would do it in order to spend time with people I care about but if the choice is there I'd stay nearby. I understand that the "muck in together" crowd feel differently about their own experiences and enjoyment of staying as or having house guests. What I don't get is the insistence that others have to suck it up regardless of their discomfort. What pleasure can that possibly bring a host?

"Me me me me me"

Can you expand your post

My in-laws are 4 hours away and it sounds like my husband has a similar relationship to them that yours does with his.

The last time we visited we booked a nearby Airbnb for the first time and my god it was life changing and so much less stressful! We didn't ask them, we just told them we were doing it.

How is it more selfish for OP to want to stay somewhere with enough space and privacy to make the trip a pleasure than for the MIL to want them to stay in the house regardless of how uncomfortable it is for them?

Agree to this and you will repent at leisure.

Just say no.
They decided to downsize and move away.
You are your own fully formed nuclear family. You are both adults. They cannot TELL you what to do.

Ignore all PP saying just do it, they would be fine with it - irrelevant and ignores large parts of your OP.

Just book somewhere and whenever the subject comes up just divert it to " yes, it is quite a long drive, you're quite right we are very tired at the weekends, as I expected the children were very unsettled last night etc etc ad nauseam.

Do not get drawn into justifying your decision repeatedly and make sure your DH has your back in this.

Or do it, have a miserable time and spend years picking up the pieces of fractured relationships after the inevitable blow ups

They aren't getting different treatment. She actually says in the post you're quoting that she wouldn't want to stay with her own parents for the same reason. I'm truly confused as to how you think they are getting treated differently

People have recommended dementia checks for less than this on here.

What does it matter? It bothers the OP, which is all that matters.

You are going to see them, but plan to stay in a hotel and not do the activities they want to do with you? So you plan to pay to stay in a town you wouldn't normally go to, just so you can say you made an effort to see the in-laws?
Why bother going? You sound like you don't want to. Just wait until the kids are older and go for a weekend, if you build it into a big thing, the kids will feed off your stress.
I appreciate your feelings but the idea is that you are going for the in-laws benefit, so 2 nights of discomfort twice a year is not too much.

Is there a lock on the bathroom door though? 😀

But why don’t you organise it yourself? I’d be looking up nearby child friendly places or somewhere of interest and tell them you’re going. Lunch out, home via the supermarket, job’s a good ‘un.

If you stay nearby they will be offended so compromise, go for one night, surely you can smile for one day, do it for the sake of the children knowing GPs.
I do understand how you feel because I put a limit of 2 or 3 days staying with family

This is probably the intention. Not wanting to spend time with 'overbearing MIL'.

I made a stand on this 30 years ago when my first child was born. In laws were lovely but they lived a long way away and near the sea. So our visits usually doubled as our summer holiday. I wanted my children to enjoy the beach without their granny fretting about sand on the floor. Plus I didn’t want to spent my very rare holiday in someone else’s house.

We rented a house each summer and it was fabulous. Granny dropped in every day, built a great relationship with the children. Grandad was quietly pleased to see them. And we had freedom to enjoy our holiday with them rather than feeling under pressure.