Help - don't want to stay at the in-laws house

[UpsyDaisy789]

So my in-laws have very recently moved several hours away. When they've talked about us coming to see them, they've said about us staying at theirs. When we first found out about the move, I said that we'd find nearby accommodation as it would be better for us as a family (we have a baby and a toddler). At the time, they said, no we won't hear of it! I know that my in-laws will look after us when we go up there but I think it will be too suffocating at theirs and it just puts me off going to be honest. The risk is, they'll be offended.

I know they'll be excited to see the grandchildren and it will be lovely to see them. However, I just want to feel like I don't have to stay with them and we can have our own space to just be us. With a baby and toddler, there's obviously the chaos that come with that. My mother in law is quite particular and does tend to take over a bit. If I stand up at theirs to get something for the children, she'll literally be on me instantly trying to help. I just find it too much.

The new place they've got is a two bed bungalow, two bathrooms so that's fine, but it's not very spacious by the looks of the photos, for 6 of us.

I'm also concerned that they'll plan out an itinerary for us when we're there, places to visit etc. We will only be able to go at weekends or school holidays (due to work). For weekends after work, we're pretty tired anyway and the thought of the drive there with two little ones then an itinerary of activities planned out just fills me with dread.

AIBU to not want to stay with them? They're offering so should I just suck it up and say yes? Or should I say no from the first time we go so they know where we stand?

I have a similar situation but my inlaws are in a different country. We stay at my PIL when visiting them and I get no sleep becuase my DH snores loudly and there's nowhere for me to escape to at their house. I hate it. When we visit his DS & BIL we stay in an airbnb as they have a house full of kids and they aren't offended in the slightest that we don't stay at their house.

One thing to think about is that if you try staying with your PIL's one time and then decide to stay somewhere else the next time you visit, your PIL might be even more offended that you're rejecting their hospitality than if you've never stayed with them and just always stay nearby. I'd just rent somewhere and even if your PIL are annoyed by it initially, they'll get used to it and may even secretly be relieved that they don't have to host.

@Rainbunny I agree. I think it looks worse to stay there once then not again.

@Shortjanet speaks sense, if you don't like mucking in with anyone, and you have the money, why would you.

DH is happy to muck in with my family but not his own so for a short visit we sometimes stay with my family but we wouldn't do this when we visit his. If it's a longer trip to either family we rent an apartment.

We are happy to host either family.

As a child I loved staying at my Grandparents' house for two weeks every summer. But as an adult I much prefer my own space! Suggestion of toddler staying with grandparents is great (I think ...) sleepover would be fun for all.

Personally I think you need to try it. Just do it for one night, see how it goes.

Also use the opportunity for you and DH to go out for a date night.

Yes MIL might be over-eager but you can also use her babysitting services

Our issue is in the other direction. We’re constantly invited to stay with my adult stepson, he and his wife have a three year old and an 18 month old. The house is big enough but it’s noisy and uncomfortable - eg the spare bed had a 4.5 tog duvet in the middle of winter.

I hate going there and would much prefer to stay somewhere else but they’re offended at the suggestion. I pack my bloke off on his own as often as I can. It’s a shame as there’s a lovely boutique hotel five minutes walk from their house and it would make it a treat, not a chore.

You are visiting them, not going to live with them. OK say you stay nearby, then you have all day with them and you can be at their house and "do" all the activities they might plan knowing you can flop down at 7 or 8 in your own space afterwards.

You might be surprised, the ILs could be happy with that arrangement too. Having guests 24/7 is not easy for anyone, it can be hard work for BOTH sides, and a bit of space for all is the best outcome.

I'd go for a place nearby and spend all day with them and do whatever they want to do each day. Escape is nigh!

In reality what benefit is there to staying over anyway? When the kids go to bed you have to make small talk with ILs for a few more hours having been with them all day. This sentimentality about "bonding" is a bit rich. How can the kids bond if they are in bed!

I think some people are ignoring the fact that there's just not enough room for everyone.

If the DGPs had 3 bedrooms, then it would be a different matter. But they don't,so it's not just about politeness or personal preference, its about OP fulfilling her absolute fundamental basic needs of getting a nights sleep.

Your children might be a bit young for it but one of my kids who lives a few hours away books into a local hotel with their partner and the children stay with me. We spend the days together but they get a lie in, calm breakfast and then come and have a nice day with all of us or sometimes just the children. They might stay with us till bedtime or leave us to have dinner with the children and they go and have a meal and a drink and early night.

I think everyone enjoys it.

I have twins and we've always crammed in to the IL's second bedroom, with the dch on little camp ends (and ddog too!). It's not ideal, but it's only once or twice a year and the benefits are, it's cheaper, means you don't have to drive anywhere after dinner, and can get up and sit in the garden without having to get dressed and arrange a time to meet. I just shut the bedroom door and read in bed (evening) or sit outside (day) if I want to escape, and let DH and his DPs look after the dch. Also DH and I went for some nice dogwalks together. And it's easier to escape for a bit if he's spending time talking to them and there's communal looking after the dch. The one time we stayed in an Airb&b (family gathering, ILs already full) we didn't spend any time there and I didn't sleep any better, as I never sleep well away from home anyway. I would go for it for two nights.

Baby in travel cot and toddler share with you and DH. Be absolutely fine

Just try it for a weekend and see. It'll be very crowded and I suspect next time they'll be happy to have you stay nearby next time. No hard feelings caused.

MiL's get such a hard time here from their DiLs even when they do nothing wrong. Most of us with sons will find ourselves with them in due course and I can only hope those who treat their parents in law so ungraciously don't get the same treatment in return.

I think you need to go and try it staying at theirs, just once, and see how it goes. I felt very much the same about a trip to PIL with new baby and toddler, but it was lots better than I had anticipated it being and actually would be quite happy to do it again having thought it would be a 'never again'. If it ends up being how you think it will be then you have a better 'case' for staying elsewhere next time too.

We've always lived a few hours away from family and TBF it can be a bit much when we visit, but staying elsewhere would cause offence. So we just deal with it as best we can, with a two night maximum.

I would say stay the once, by the sounds of it it’s only likely to be two nights. After that you can judge for future visits.

If MIL wants to run about doing everything for your DC then let her. Give yourself a break and let her spend time with them

The first time you see them in their new house will set the precedent for all future visits; you need to book your own accommodation from the start. They would be far more offended if you stayed with them the first time and subsequently stayed elsewhere than if you never stayed with them in the first place.

Rubbish. Tens of thousands of posters MILs get no shit at all because they're kind and respectful so the posters don't need to comment about them.

A tiny minority show a lack of boundaries and respect so the DILs come here for support they don't get at home, but as the only MIL posts are about those, it seems like they're all like it, but you'd need to be a special type of moron to come to AIBU complaining that your MIL likes and respects you and what can you do about it.

I was going to say that you’re being mean but, actually, as soon as you said it was a two bedroom bungalow I think it’s a bit crazy to think of 6 people in there. Just be firm and polite and book it as a done deal. Tell them you’re looking forward to seeing them and doing some stuff together. No excuses and no explaining yourself.

Baby cot in the hallway? We used to put ours in the kitchen! Then room for a single airbed for toddler in the same room as mum and dad?
That being said, I’m with the OP. I used to find the lead-up to such visits intolerable; I would over-think, fret about how I would use my time, how to secure some alone time without causing offence - they were anxious times, and I feel for you OP.

Realistically you'll only be able to stay there whilst your DC are small.

I forgot to say, even if it is a car crash staying there, I think you should at least stay there once to prove your point.

Myself and DH stayed at his DH's and DSILs over 10 years ago. We were childless, they had 1 DC. It was awful. They are really cluttered / hoarders so there were enough bedrooms but not enough space. We slept on the sofa bed in the lounge which was too small and extremely uncomfortable, neither of us slept.

I use this example, every single time we are invited to stay over. I vowed to my self that I would never stay over at their house unless they got it sorted. They never have, so we don't stay.

If we hadn't at least stayed there, I think my comments would come across as mean and spiteful but as we had slept there, not enjoyed it, at least it's from a place of experience.

*stayed DH's DB's and DSIL's

MiL is in another country so we've tended to do an annual 4-5 day visit. A 3rd bedroom makes a world of difference.

On our last normal visit in 2019, I was reaching my limit as I struggle with the squishy bed and ancient sofa and was increasingly coming home with a painful back and neck. One night I reached the point of moving onto the 3rd bedroom floor with a blanket as the bed was too painful. The heating wars finished me off, I can't cope with spending hours sitting around in 16⁰C rooms and heaven forbid they should get to 18⁰C. She'd reached the point of old age where my DCs couldn't do anything right either; they needed to be quiet and tidy and woe betide them for watching cartoons or tablets. The weather was too grim for playing out for long.

In 2021 we stayed in alternative accomodation as she'd reached the point of being in/ out of hospital/ rehab care.

The earlier years were far better. Sometimes we'd break it up with an overnight elsewhere and she's always been reasonable about a mix of time together and independence.

Visits are far more enjoyable if you're comfortable and rested. Feeling obliged to stay under one roof and being uncomfortable in whatever way can end up brewing resentment and damage relationships. Better to have enjoyable visits even if it's in different accommodation and in OP's situation I'd establish that from the start. It's not like OP is refusing to go at all.

Definitely book accommodation, visit them after breakfast /lunch and spend the day with them and then retreat/escape to the hotel for a recharge/mental break and then be on top form for the next day. Best of both worlds!

Inlaws always stayed with us and I hated it, once they started in hotels it changed the whole game.

I can't see how it's worse to try it once & then say it didn't suit & not do it again.

How many hours away are they?

Could you go on a Friday, spend the Saturday & come back Sunday after breakfast?

We used to sleep in one room when we stayed at my parents.

Toddler on a mattress, baby in a cot.

There was another bedroom but it was only a single & easier to dump our stuff in there & use it as a dressing room.

As I said in my post, my answer is no thank you. End of.

Out of interest though, why would it matter if I did?

They are my family so love and accept me for how I am as I do them. My not wanting to stay is not about them or anyone else. It’s about me.

Being honest is not the same as being rude.