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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Help - don't want to stay at the in-laws house

161 replies

UpsyDaisy789 · 27/07/2022 07:22

So my in-laws have very recently moved several hours away. When they've talked about us coming to see them, they've said about us staying at theirs. When we first found out about the move, I said that we'd find nearby accommodation as it would be better for us as a family (we have a baby and a toddler). At the time, they said, no we won't hear of it! I know that my in-laws will look after us when we go up there but I think it will be too suffocating at theirs and it just puts me off going to be honest. The risk is, they'll be offended.

I know they'll be excited to see the grandchildren and it will be lovely to see them. However, I just want to feel like I don't have to stay with them and we can have our own space to just be us. With a baby and toddler, there's obviously the chaos that come with that. My mother in law is quite particular and does tend to take over a bit. If I stand up at theirs to get something for the children, she'll literally be on me instantly trying to help. I just find it too much.

The new place they've got is a two bed bungalow, two bathrooms so that's fine, but it's not very spacious by the looks of the photos, for 6 of us.

I'm also concerned that they'll plan out an itinerary for us when we're there, places to visit etc. We will only be able to go at weekends or school holidays (due to work). For weekends after work, we're pretty tired anyway and the thought of the drive there with two little ones then an itinerary of activities planned out just fills me with dread.

AIBU to not want to stay with them? They're offering so should I just suck it up and say yes? Or should I say no from the first time we go so they know where we stand?

OP posts:
Holly60 · 27/07/2022 07:46

To be honest you seem to have made it all about you and no one else. Of course your I laws want their son and grandchildren to stay with them. Them 'planning out an itinerary' is also just them planning some nice things to do- you can always say no or just send DH.

I don't get why the question of how you visit is just about what YOU are most comfortable with. Everyone deserves to have a nice time, not just you.

IAmSantaOhYesIAm · 27/07/2022 07:47

Actually you won’t know how it’s going to be until you try it. Sounds like they’re trying hard to please you and provide a nice time for you all. It might not be exactly what you feel is a nice time but at least try it before saying you’ll stay nearby instead.
One day you might be the in-laws and how would you feel if your child and their partner won’t stay with you?

Holly60 · 27/07/2022 07:47

UpsyDaisy789 · 27/07/2022 07:35

I wouldn't even want to stay with my own parents in a two bed bungalow and I'm really close with them. It just feels very different with my inlaws. I just want a bit of space and to not feel like I have to be on top form for them the whole time we're there, making conversation etc.

Of course it feels different, because they aren't your parents. It doesn't mean they deserve different treatment

rookiemere · 27/07/2022 07:48

I have become less keen to stay at other peoples houses over the years.
If I were you I'd do it for weekends, but if you're using valuable holiday time I'd book your own place so it actually feels like a holiday and you have a bit of space.

chipsnmayo · 27/07/2022 07:48

It depends how long? I was not overly close to my ex PIL but they were nice enough so for a long weekend I could suck it up, I liked my space, however I never wanted to offend them and in all honesty I could not really justify paying for accomodation when I could stay at theirs free of charge. After a weekend you have ran out of conversation.

My parents lived two hours away but both my brothers just lived down the road from them so I could always scarper to theirs if I needed a break.

rookiemere · 27/07/2022 07:51

Also it sounds like all the visiting is one way. Are they planning- as they have much more free time as presumably retired- to come up and visit you.

Skodacool · 27/07/2022 07:51

Two bed bungalow? So you have one bedroom for you, toddler and baby? Sounds a bit cramped.

Original poster
UpsyDaisy789 · 27/07/2022 07:52

IAmSantaOhYesIAm · 27/07/2022 07:47

Actually you won’t know how it’s going to be until you try it. Sounds like they’re trying hard to please you and provide a nice time for you all. It might not be exactly what you feel is a nice time but at least try it before saying you’ll stay nearby instead.
One day you might be the in-laws and how would you feel if your child and their partner won’t stay with you?

@IAIAmSantaOhYesIAm well I'll probably get slated for this but I do feel like, they're the ones who chose to move away, why do they have to control where we stay?
When they come to see us, I wouldn't make them stay with us (luckily there's no space anyway). And they've already said they'll find an Airbnb or something.

OP posts:
Original poster
UpsyDaisy789 · 27/07/2022 07:52

Skodacool · 27/07/2022 07:51

Two bed bungalow? So you have one bedroom for you, toddler and baby? Sounds a bit cramped.

Exactly!!!!

OP posts:
Holly60 · 27/07/2022 07:53

rookiemere · 27/07/2022 07:51

Also it sounds like all the visiting is one way. Are they planning- as they have much more free time as presumably retired- to come up and visit you.

God I always much preferred to stay with my in-laws than have them to ours. A weekend of being looked after rather than hosting. Not having to clean my house before and not having to cook endless meals.

In-laws would take children to various local parks and I'd get a lie in.

Ahh grandparents are the best ❤️

ShirleyPhallus · 27/07/2022 07:54

I also agree that you’re being a bit churlish, go for a weekend and see how it goes. If not enough space then next time DH can tell your parents he’s booked an airbnb

PurpleDaisies · 27/07/2022 07:56

well I'll probably get slated for this but I do feel like, they're the ones who chose to move away, why do they have to control where we stay?

They’re being nice. Confused

Workawayxx · 27/07/2022 07:56

I’d try it once but your DH say to them “thank you so much for the offer! We’d love to see you and can do xx dates. We will give it a go staying at yours but are happy to get an Airbnb nearby in future if we are all a bit on top of each other and it’s a bit much with the kids!”. So set up the expectation that it’s a trial run but kindly. It may genuinely end up being too much for them too with 2 tiny kids in a 2 bed!

Original poster
UpsyDaisy789 · 27/07/2022 07:56

Holly60 · 27/07/2022 07:53

God I always much preferred to stay with my in-laws than have them to ours. A weekend of being looked after rather than hosting. Not having to clean my house before and not having to cook endless meals.

In-laws would take children to various local parks and I'd get a lie in.

Ahh grandparents are the best ❤️

Show quote history

That's great but what if the grandparents are a bit overpowering and suffocating. And I already know this about the inlaws! I have stayed away on holiday with them before pre children so that gave me an insight.

OP posts:
PiffleWiffleWoozle · 27/07/2022 07:56

Set boundaries now and book somewhere. Everyone will have a better time.

You can always switch back to staying with them later (it does get expensive…)

Holly60 · 27/07/2022 07:57

What does overpowering and suffocating look like? Are you able to give examples? I don't know if the things that bother you would bother me

RampantIvy · 27/07/2022 07:57

I’m an adult so I decide where I stay and don’t owe anyone an explanation for my choice.

I hope you don't actually say that @Dibble135. I totally understand you wanting your own space, because DH and I do, and if we were in the OP's situation I would just say it's easier to stay somewhere nearby with the children rather than imposing on the in laws.

CaptainBeakyandhisband · 27/07/2022 07:58

I get this. I hate staying with the in laws, for similar and different reasons. Both of us work FT and they are 2.5 hours away so going away for the whole weekend seems exhausting (and when we get there DH has to sleep in a single bed and I have to sleep on the floor with two children in another room, it’s just not comfortable). I find my in laws a little overbearing tbh, they’re perfectly nice people, but the expectation is that we will all sit around in their house, but sitting for too long is frowned upon, I’m expected to pull my weight. I’d love it if we had days out etc but that never happens.

Lochroy · 27/07/2022 07:58

Personally, I would go for one night in the first instance and see how it goes. I'm not close to my family, but my DC adore them and GPs cherish and enjoy the time with DC, so I don't do it for me, it do it for the others. Three nights is my limit.

However, you have already decided it isn't what YOU want to do and are only focusing on potential problems. So if you can't but yourself out for 36 hours, just book something nearby and say you were worried about DC keeping them awake at night.

User000111 · 27/07/2022 07:58

I completely sympathise with you and would feel the same. Even if there's a good relationship there it's still hard being in someone else's house for any amount of time and it's exhausting making constant convo ect. If you got an airb&b then you can chill out once the kids are in bed ect and have some down time. If they aren't understanding of you having a little one and a baby then I'd think they were being unreasonable x

Limecoconutice · 27/07/2022 07:58

Lysianthus · 27/07/2022 07:35

I've recently had a similar situation (except they moved to different country). Only one bathroom! I turned it into "the sleep patterns are different/don't want to make too much work for you/we'll spend all mealtimes with you" and then sent them the details of our lovely apartment which we rented for three nights. I think presenting them with a fait accompli is easy to stick to and difficult for them to argue with.
Alternatively you could stay once, if it works then great but if it doesn't, make sure they can see for themselves (politely of course, no point falling out with them) why it's not the best idea. That way you've set the tone for staying elsewhere on future trips.

Absolutely agree with this^^ !

Just book your accommodation and explain that the DC are up in the night making a lot of noise and it's a tough stage of parenting... less stressful to have your own space with feeding and napping etc.. .

That way you will feel less anxious and enjoy it more! And you set a precedent for next time! Travelling with small DC is stressful enough without being able to make yourself a cup of tea at 3 am.

Explain it to your in laws using "I" statements. "I feel more comfortable staying in a hotel".

Some people are the "let's all muck in together" types and some are definitely not! It's no one's fault but you can't force yourself to be different. I definitely need my own space and loathe staying with others. There is no point in pretending otherwise, so we stay nearby in a hotel when we visit family, and that's the best I can do.

And the added bonus is that you can invite the people you are visiting to tea at your place and show them some hospitality too.

CaptainBeakyandhisband · 27/07/2022 07:58

oh and we never stay with my parents, always find somewhere nearby to stay

EsmeeMerlin · 27/07/2022 07:58

You can surely try it once. Your in laws don't even sound bad, a little over the top perhaps but surely you can appreciate a grandmother may get excited and want to help out. Personally I would let her and enjoy a helping hand. I do think to not try it at least once would make you very unreasonable.

Lochroy · 27/07/2022 07:59

*put

CrabbyCat · 27/07/2022 07:59

I'm with you on this one. I could suck up sleeping on an uncomfortable bed / eating bad food etc, but I'm an introvert and spending a weekend feeling like I have no personal space would have me in tears and quite possibly lead to me saying things to the ILs I normally manage to stay quiet about. It isn't necessarily just about you either, if the expectations are everything has to be done by the ILs rules rather than their normal routine it can leave kids very on edge too.

If you feel that strongly, I'd look at booking an AirBandB. That is a compromise, you're still going - just on terms that are manageable for you. I'd do it from the start as I think that makes less of a fuss than turning around after a couple of visits and saying you don't want to stay there anymore.