To ask why you have the number of children you have?

[TheGeoffLinton]

I keep hearing that we’re having too few children to maintain the population. It seems to be a problem in a few countries in the West now. Often practical reasons are cited - having children later due to expensive childcare and not being able to get on the housing ladder means having fewer children. Sometimes they have a bit of a weird tone, like women and families aren’t doing their duty, does anyone else feel that?

You see suggested solutions like you could get a payment if you had more than 2 children? Would that be an incentive or would you find that weird?! Do you think subsidised childcare would be a better idea?

Personally I have no children, I’ve just never felt broody or maternal. I’d just be interested in what women actually think about this, not just the stats presented - if you have kids would you have more if you could afford it or would you always have stopped at 1 or 2?

I know this is the most journalist-sounding post but I really am just curious. I also appreciate there will be lots who can’t have any at all

This is what I worry about if I don’t conceive again and DD ends up an only 😢

I have two and always wanted two. I was a middle child of three and realised that, depending on the family, being the middle child is sometimes quite crap. I would not want to turn my youngest into a middle. Also, the expense of holidays and everything else was a factor. Plus the fact that I don’t enjoy pregnancy at all!

Wanted 3, have 3. Never felt 'done' until final pregnancy, birth, etc. So very happy to have them and wouldn't change a single thing; even when it was at its most chaotic and challenging.

Could have been persuaded to have forth if circumstances were right but we are very much a content family of 5.

I grew up as 1 of 4 and have no particular fond memories of sibling-ship - my own children are friends as well as just growing up in the same household- long may it continue.

I hope I get to be a grandparent or I will have to get some more pets to nurture!

I have one nearly 4 yo DS. He doesn’t sleep still, we would struggle to afford another and I have a newly diagnosed heart condition that would worry me a little if I were to get pregnant. Plus I’m 35 now so probably classed as geriatric!

Only 1. I was in my 30s when I got pregnant, I didn't want children until I was 30 and had then decided I'd only want 1. I'm not maternal at all. Had a preemie and struggled my way through the baby stages. Relationship split due to DV.
I accidently (whilst on contraception) got pregnant a few years ago and was petrified but adamant that I didn't want to carry on the pregnancy and had a termination which had complications and took 6 weeks to complete.
I'm booked in for a sterilisation and now in a new relationship with someone younger than me so I've had to have those conversations very early on in the relationship.

Childcare is expensive, dad's need more paternity leave, maternity leave should be paid until childcare discounts begin (currently paid mat leave ends at 9 months but most people dont access any free childcare until term after chold turns 3), also its too expensive to get a bigger house so space is limited

I have 1.

I used to assume I'd have at least 2 but I had a difficult labour followed by post-natal depression, which put me off for a long time. Around the time when I might have been persuaded to try for another, I went through another bout of poor mental health (due to stress and work issues) and was in no shape to consider it. By the time I recovered from that, I felt too old.

I still have wobbles and moments when I wish I'd had another, but circumstances never seemed to allow for it.

In my case, help with childcare costs would not have enabled me to have another child. If DH had been in a position to support us so that I could give up work, that would have prevented the second bout of mental illness which was the main obstacle. He was earning decent money but was on a temporary contract with no job security. We couldn't risk losing my income.

I always imagined that I'd have lots of children. More than two is considered delinquent in my family. I did have quite a lot, but not as many as I'd imagined because I ran into practical issues that the younger me hadn't thought about (like there only being 24 hours in the day, and even a large family vehicle only accommodating five children). It's just as well. I loved having babies and small children, and they're all fantastic adults now, but I spent the adolescent years on the brink of maternal regret and I'm glad that phase didn't last any longer than it did.

I have four children. I'm one of five and my mum was one of nIne! I Don't need a medal but a day off would be nice 😊

I have one.

Main reason is I never had that "urge" to have a second. I felt complete with one. I have absolutely NO guilt over DC being a single child, he's content and happy and has never expressed desire for a sibling.

Anyway, he'll have his full inheritance to pay for lots of therapy if it turns out the lack of younger siblings has somehow scarred him forever.

I have 4. I love kids. I got pregnant very easily. We could afford it although my relationship was bad when I had my last 2 and at the time didn’t want to be pregnant but also part of me did want more kids.

Planned to have just one but ended up with twins……

This comes across as quite self righteous although I don’t think you meant it to be.

Your post is not logical. Why do you both think the responsible thing was to replicate each parent? I’d love to know your reasoning behind your thinking.

I have 3. My husband and I are both one of three so I guess for me it was just a number I always had in my mind. I think my husband would have settled for 2, but I didn't feel done and he was happy to go with the flow and see what happened.

I used to joke that I wanted 4, but to be honest 3 is perfect for us and I feel like any more is money and time away from the children I already have, so I don't want to go there.

We have 2 DC. We experienced 2 years of infertility TTC DC1 and had to have help to conceive. DC2 was a surprise but very wanted.

I always wanted 2 and there is a part of me that would love a 3rd but there are a lot of reasons for us not to have another, so we're done. Financially we just about manage with 2 but we're lucky in having willing grandparents who will provide childcare when we're both working. We can't afford the cost of childcare and I'm conscious that while our parents are willing to look after the DC, they're getting older and want a life of their own too so I don't want to take their help for granted.

We would have to move house and buy a bigger car if we had another child which isn't realistic at the moment (our DC share a room as it is). I don't think I could manage another child mentally or emotionally. I developed PPA after having DC2 and it has been very difficult to deal with it as I'd not experienced poor mental health before. I don't want to risk it getting worse with a 3rd DC. I just about manage to be present for the DC I have and don't think I could give attention to a third DC.

I'm also getting older and think my time for bearing DC is getting slimmer. I want to try and progress my career too but think that would take a hit if we had another DC.

2 of the same sex so (in theory) good friendship / things in common. Slightly longer age gap than I originally wanted as we struggled to conceive number 2. If we went for number 3 I'd have wanted number 2 and 3 almost back to back and traumatic second birth makes an immediate second pregnancy a bad idea. 2 now seems the nicest number and when baby 2 is 2/3 years old we regain those freedoms like long lunches and more enjoyable beach holidays. The thought of then going back to the newborn age is unappealing. We have an average 3 bed so this means each child has their own room. 3 kids did appeal whilst pregnant with number 2 but now I feel fully content.

I have 2 and now want 2. I used to want 3/4 as I love the idea of a big family. But two horrific HG pregnancies means I cant possibly have anymore.

But HG aside, I hate being pregnant, dislike the newborn/toddler stage and am knackered constantly. So you couldnt pay me to have anymore. I feel so done I got sterilised!

Always believed we’d have 2. Absolutely unshakable in that conviction for years.
But when DS2 was ready for nursery school I realised I really wanted another, to the surprise of everyone (especially DH, bless him, but he went with it.)

My brother wanted 5 and had 2.

You never know, I guess.

You think women should get three years+ paid mat leave?

Have 0. Wanted some (my parents abused me and I have no contact with them, so wanted a family of my own). Unfortunately life decided otherwise and at 32 I had to have an emergency hysterectomy to save my life.

Can’t help feeling like I must’ve been a monster in a past life!

1 due to PND, CPTSD and anxiety (all diagnosed) and zero support network, either practical or emotional apart from online friends I met on MN. It breaks my heart I couldn’t have a second but I need to prioritise DS having a healthy mum. We will always assure DS that if he chooses to have children then we will offer huge amounts of support so that he can choose the number he wants rather than be limited by lack of support.

I personally think that if there was better paternity pay and leave for fathers so they shared the load better and then being a parent wasnt 90pc a womand job and 10pc male....and then if childcare was subsidised to a realistic level so it didnt financially cripple people, then there would be more people having children. You've got to really really want it when you're going to be doing 90pc of the grunt work and throwing your career and life savings down the shitter

I have two. I unexpectedly fell pregnant at 39 (DH was 47) after 17yrs of ttc and 2yrs coming to terms with never having children. Who knows how this happens 🤷🏼‍♀️. We were delighted of course but my Dr said it was 'just one of those things'.

We almost fainted in shock when I fell pregnant again 2yrs later.

Had I not had fertility issues I would have liked to have 4.

I have 1child. Would have had at least 1 more if my husband hadn’t died.

Two…well one DS (20 months) and DD on the way in the next 6-7 weeks. I always wanted 3 but number two will be our last planned pregnancy.

The cost of having so many little ones is so high now with childcare that we couldn’t really afford to have two under three again but conceiving fairly quickly again would be our only sensible option as neither of us are spring chickens. It’s very sad as we both earn well but when I go back to work (as a teacher at the top of the scale with a TLR for head of faculty), I will bring in around £150 a month for the 60 odd hours a week I do whilst both are in full time paid for childcare. I will do this until the free hours kick in for my DS after 5-6 months of being back at work. I honestly don’t think I could do it if it was longer than that and I don’t think I could put the family through it again, especially with another human to care for! It’s sad really but I feel it’s a sign of our times! Also aware that I’m incredibly lucky that I can afford to pay for two children to be in childcare when many couldn’t…but it doesn’t feel lucky.