To ask why you have the number of children you have?

[TheGeoffLinton]

I keep hearing that we’re having too few children to maintain the population. It seems to be a problem in a few countries in the West now. Often practical reasons are cited - having children later due to expensive childcare and not being able to get on the housing ladder means having fewer children. Sometimes they have a bit of a weird tone, like women and families aren’t doing their duty, does anyone else feel that?

You see suggested solutions like you could get a payment if you had more than 2 children? Would that be an incentive or would you find that weird?! Do you think subsidised childcare would be a better idea?

Personally I have no children, I’ve just never felt broody or maternal. I’d just be interested in what women actually think about this, not just the stats presented - if you have kids would you have more if you could afford it or would you always have stopped at 1 or 2?

I know this is the most journalist-sounding post but I really am just curious. I also appreciate there will be lots who can’t have any at all

Never planned any DC's never even discussed it as I had been told (by a doctor) that I was unlikely to concieve naturally. So after this I decided to come off the pill, (couldn't see the point of taking it) and almost immediately fell pregnant with Ds1. Ds2 was conceived whilst on the mini pill.
I fell pregnant again, unexpectedly, and had a very late miscarriage, which affected me very badly so we decided to go for a third, which turned out to be twins.
4 under 5 was a bit hectic! (They are all adults now)

I have 2. I’m one of 2, DH is one of 2, it’s replacement level population-wise, there’s one parent per child, they each have a sibling and there’s no risk of an odd one out. 2 seemed the obvious choice for all these reasons.

Mind you DC1 almost broke me as a baby so we nearly stuck at one. I definitely couldn’t manage more than 2, they’re both handfuls (one with SN) and were dreadful sleepers.

I know I’m very lucky to have been able to have the number I wanted.

We have one. I would have loved two or three, but we just couldn’t afford it.

I have 2. For a year after DC2 was born I wanted another but decided against it for financial reasons. Marriage failed 2 years ago and I am beyond grateful that we stuck at 2. I don't want more children because being a single parent to 2 is hard enough! They are 7 and 4 now with DC2 starting school in September, I couldn't imagine going back to the baby stage. I also don't think that having a blended family would be in the best interests of my existing children, and I don't want to live with a partner again.

Wanted 2, had 2 but felt like someone was missing. Had a 3rd and gap was filled. Couldn't have afforded a 4th in either monetary or effort/patience terms.

I have one, birth complications meant I couldn’t have more. Not sure I would have but it wasn’t an option.

We have one by choice. Mostly happy with that choice, but there are downsides - DD has no cousins either and little extended family, and I do sometimes worry she’ll end up feeling isolated in the future.

But DP and I are both (over)thinkers, and after years of soul-searching (by which time we were older parents anyway) one child made sense for us for a whole host of reasons:

1. I never had a strong biological urge for children, so the decision was always going to be a very planned ‘pros and cons’ one (so amazing we even ended up with one really!)

2. I hated being pregnant - the socially imposed ‘rules’ around it, the vulnerability, plus it was a complicated pregnancy with lots of risks and unpleasant side effects (placenta previa, breech baby, chronic breathlessness - not fun).

3. I have large fibroids (hence the complicated pregnancy), and any second pregnancy would require their removal through fairly significant surgery, which really focuses the mind on how much you actually want a second child. My body has also never quite been the same since my first pregnancy, and I want to focus on my own health and well-being and ensure I have sufficient energy to care for DD.

4. We wanted to have sufficient time and resources to be able to offer plenty of opportunities, and experiences to our child - holidays, extra curriculars, the best quality food etc - so much easier with one

5. Neither DP nor I much likes chaos, or the feeling of being stretched too thinly or having too many competing priorities. We are good, calm, organised parents to one in a way that we almost certainly wouldn’t be with more.

6. I willingly took a step back from my career to raise DD - no regrets; she’s had the best possible start in life, but now she’a starting school I want to get back into the workplace, which would be much harder ?especially as an older mum) after a second child.

7. Environmental and economic concerns - the overarching theme at the moment is one of dwindling environmental and financial resources and reduced opportunities, and we wanted the certainty of being able to provide for and focus on the interests of one child to optimise her chances in an uncertain future.

8. Housing - we’re in a nice but small house in London. With another child we’d almost certainly have to upsize, which would be a big stretch for us financially, and would involve much more pressure on me to work FT.

Basically, we wanted to be fun, engaged, calm, well-resourced parents to one child, rather than exhausted, frazzled, permanently broke parents to several.

3 - twins and a singleton
I adored having my twins so much, and wanted to do it all again but with just one. The last one cured me of my cluckiness! I love the dynamic of having three, often two will be playing together while the third wants to be left alone. Very happy to have stopped at three.

Because after my last antenatal appointment, I turned to my husband and told him I was never going through that again, and he started the process of getting the snip.

No amount of payment would change my mind about having another child physically and I don't think maintaining the population is a good idea. Getting through the population bulge will have its difficulties, but we don't need to fight it that much. I also don't think that's the way the government or any of the political parties are leaning in the UK.

I tried for number 2 and had twins, so not the number I planned 😂

Have 1 DSS, 1 DS and am currently pregnant. This will be our last as DP is gettong a vasecamy.
reason were stopping is lack of money for nursery, after school care.
Lack of money for a bigger house so they could all have their own rooms
Lack of time to spend with them as both work full time just to keep the house we have over our heads

Those maternity and paternity benefits are amazing. I am very jealous.

We had 2 so they had a playmate. Couldn't have coped well with more.

I have one, who is 8m, and it will most likely be staying that way. I am 38, so if we wanted another we'd have to get cracking on TTC soon. We're both happy to be done with the early baby stage as we have had zero family help (DH's family are overseas and my folks are almost 2 hours away).

Nursery fees are also factor. If we wait until DC1 is 3 and the 30 free hours kicks in before trying for DC2 then that means I would be having DC2 in my early 40s, and given my DH is already in his 40s, that would make us both pretty old by that point.

Our careers are also important to us, and I don't see DC2 being feasible unless one of us sidelines their career and drops to PT hours.

We also want to maintain some semblance of a life outside childcare. With one kid it's easier to maintain hobbies, etc.

I also had a rough pregnancy and birth experience. I had PGP/SPD from week 12 and I am still having physiotherapy to be able to return to high impact exercise. The thought of signing up for another two years of not being able to walk or exercise without pain does not appeal, especially because the second time around I would be dealing with DC1 while enduring PGP pain.

DC1 is, objectively, an easy baby (smiles all the time, only cries when something is obviously wrong, and doesn't wake too frequently during the nights) yet we still found the loss of freedom and reduced sleep extremely hard. I think a high needs colicky DC2 (which is always a risk) would make us both lose the plot.

I have one. We have decided to stick with one as it won't stretch us too much financially. We'll be able to give him lots of attention and afford to give him more.

1 - took for years to conceive and by that point we were both 37. Tried for another but never happened, then stopped trying age 41. He's now 4 and realistically we cant afford another one nor do we want to go the IVF route. As a one, we can give him most things but we have no family help and live in London. In order to save money, we live in a two bed flat in a really nice area and could afford to send him private, just about and have ok holidays but wouldnt be able to afford any of this with two. It's a shame and realistically Ds would love another sibling but it is what it is.

I was a single mum so I had one. There was no way I could have afforded childcare for more than one and I wasn't prepared to live long term on benefits. I wanted to buy a home for us.

I have two and there's a 9 year age gap.

The reason for the gap is because I split with the eldest's dad when he was still very young so no chance of having another sibling then. It took me the next decade to find someone who I wanted to procreate with again!

We will stop at two because of our ages and because it's the right number for our home and lifestyle. We could probably squeeze a third in but it would be a stretch whereas two is comfortable. Also the strain on my body. My second pregnancy and delivery was much tougher.

I have two.

Theres two years between them and they’re now 10 and 12.

Also, I developed chloestasis with both of them, and there’s a high chance my daughter will have it when she has (if she has) babies.

The weekly scans from 30 weeks/the insane itching/worry was enough for me! Never again

Have 2 and that's what I wanted. DH and I agree the most responsible thing to do is replicate yourselves and no more. I have only heard that, globally, we are going to have an impossibly high population - too many to feed. I know that's largely due to older people living longer. And I appreciate that richer populations have fewer children for many reasons. Personally if I was a generation younger, I'd be feeling seriously torn about bringing children into this world. I wouldn't blame my DC if they didn't want kids.

DH and I agree the most responsible thing to do is replicate yourselves and no more

to be fair the ‘most responsible thing’ in environmental terms is not to have any kids at all. And the second most responsible thing is 1 kid.

I don’t understand these people who feel they’re fulfilling some kind of duty by having 2 kids when even that is an unnecessary amount. If you see what I mean.

I have 3, but not intentionally (surprise twins for my 2nd pregnancy).

I wouldn't have another now, 5 years of baby/toddlers is enough for me!

I often wonder if baby 2 had been a singleton, would I have gone on to have a third? I think money would have been a factor in that decision, but more so the time out of work/ sleepless nights/ no freedom etc

I'm very happy with the three I do have.

I have 3 DS's

Wanted 4. Have 4. New as soon as DC4 was born that I was completely and utterly done. They/we have a wonderful life. I definitely couldn't have afforded more, either in money or time.

Growing up as an only child, my best friend was the eldest of 4 with a single mum, and their home was chaotic, fun, loud and full of life and love. Mine, despite the extra parent and the extra money, was boring, lonely and unfulfilling to me. I always wanted to emulate that other family in my own as I grew. I am still friends with said person and their family dynamic is still enviable: there is so much love, companionship, support. It's beautiful.

I might have liked more in an ideal world. Split from my first child's dad. Met someone else but he was in no rush to have dc, we did eventually have one who is the absolute joy of our life, dh then wanted another but we felt it was too late, too much of a big gap. Realistically we couldn't comfortably coped or afford anymore.

So that was that.