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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask why you have the number of children you have?

258 replies

TheGeoffLinton · 26/07/2022 21:35

I keep hearing that we’re having too few children to maintain the population. It seems to be a problem in a few countries in the West now. Often practical reasons are cited - having children later due to expensive childcare and not being able to get on the housing ladder means having fewer children. Sometimes they have a bit of a weird tone, like women and families aren’t doing their duty, does anyone else feel that?

You see suggested solutions like you could get a payment if you had more than 2 children? Would that be an incentive or would you find that weird?! Do you think subsidised childcare would be a better idea?

Personally I have no children, I’ve just never felt broody or maternal. I’d just be interested in what women actually think about this, not just the stats presented - if you have kids would you have more if you could afford it or would you always have stopped at 1 or 2?

I know this is the most journalist-sounding post but I really am just curious. I also appreciate there will be lots who can’t have any at all Flowers

OP posts:
Costacoffeeplease · 26/07/2022 22:46

None and so glad given the world they would inherit

56 and post hysterectomy so that ship has long sailed

Fedupmum21 · 26/07/2022 22:47

I have two, we maybe would have tried for a third however my second was over 11 weeks early due to me having severe pre eclampsia and I could never go through NICU etc again so we just won’t risk it. Thankfully I really wanted two girls and that’s what I got, but I wouldn’t wish prematurity on my worst enemy so would never be able to try for a third.

gogohmm · 26/07/2022 22:48

2, I gave two hands, how can you safely take any more out (eldest is autistic which affected my thinking I suspect)

Greenginghamdress · 26/07/2022 22:49

I always thought I'd have 1 or 2.
I have 1, then had post partum psychosis followed by underlying depression which took years to shift. I love being a mum now but it took me a couple of years to feel myself.
My partner is lazy and my parents aren't bothered about having grandchildren. If I knew I could get mental health help plus a better support network I'd have had another. DD is 4.5 and I still haven't totally ruled it out but I'm 37 and it's unlikely.

maddening · 26/07/2022 22:50

1 - I had a childbirth injury which did not get fixed for 2.5 years by which time I was in a job which only paid statutory mat pay so we could not afford it. Now I am at a better employer and we are in a larger house which could accommodate another but ds is 11 and I am 44 so it is likely too late, just too many blockers

NeedAHoliday2021 · 26/07/2022 22:51

Had one, then tried for second and had twins. I love having 3 but don’t know what having 2 is like. Less complicated I imagine.

Toosadtocomprehend · 26/07/2022 22:52

I have three . My first two were easypeasy ..my third was very tricky!!
Now 22 years later I absolutely adore every bone in all my children’s bodies…they are all beautiful fantastic adults!! I have never regretted having my third ….he is a pleasure and I love him so much 💕💕

WeRTheOnesWeHaveBeenWaitingFor · 26/07/2022 22:53

I have 2 i did nearly had a third but we had a combination of medical issues (miscarriage, ectopic pregnancy and extreme pregnancy sickness) and feeling like I didn’t want to go back to the baby days once ours were older.

hellywelly3 · 26/07/2022 22:53

It was financial reasons. We planned on 2 and had 3. I would of loved more but didn’t want to stretch ourselves with a bigger mortgage.

FabFitFifties · 26/07/2022 22:54

I was nearly 42 when I had my son - he was healthy I didn't want to risk another baby having disabilities or health issues, due to my age.

Dunnoburt · 26/07/2022 22:55

I have 1 because i cannot afford to have any more 😔

dogeatworld · 26/07/2022 22:56

We had one so that we could live a comfortable life without worrying about money.

seven201 · 26/07/2022 22:59

I have one. I have secondary infertility and recurrent miscarriages (a shitty combo), so not sure if a second will happen, but I'm running out of time. Dh wanted two, I wanted three. If infertility weren't an issue then we'd probably have stopped at two for financial reasons. If they want more kids they need to subsidise childcare more.

DomPom47 · 26/07/2022 23:00

I have two kids. Would absolutely love to have at least another one but not possible. We took time saving up house deposit before having first child time went on, then had our second. Biologically could have another one but would need a bigger place which we can’t afford without impacting the quality of life of our current two. If I were to win lottery would definitely have another one.

GrandRapids · 26/07/2022 23:01

I have one.

So many reasons. Hated pregnancy, horrible birth, unsettled fussy baby became a right handful as a toddler and preschooler. I had PND. I still find it challenging now 7 yrs on! Really struggled with the loss of freedom and essentially the loss of my life as I knew it. Everything became about him.

Feel guilty sometimes about the lack of sibling but fuck me, I just couldn't do it again. He's a truly awesome kid but I find parenting all encompassing and overwhelming at times.

Twoshoesnewshoes · 26/07/2022 23:03

We had three because two wasn’t enough 😀
we were quite young parents so weathered the lack of sleep etc fairly well.
I do feel that I had all the children I was meant to have.

MarmiteCoriander · 26/07/2022 23:06

Always assumed I'd have 2 children. Never thought life would be different.

12yrs TTC, 3 losses, 2 rounds of IVF, no cause for sub-fertility found and now 44yrs old, so unlikely to ever have biological children. I have a happy life- just very different to what I had imagined for most of my life.

Dasher789 · 26/07/2022 23:11

I am currently 10 weeks with dc1. We only plan to have 1 DC as we both want to continue working full time and we don't have any immediate family locally to help so childcare will be expensive. It's not the be all but we would like to be able to save some money to help DC when they get older and it seems unrealistic for us to manage this with more than 1.we may change our minds but I can't see it.

ridemesideway · 26/07/2022 23:12

One.
Had planned for two but ended up with severe PND requiring hospitalisation and wasn’t anywhere near ‘right’ mentally for three years. Would never consider inviting that experience again.
Life is good now and we’re thrilled with the one we have.

thefatpotato · 26/07/2022 23:13

I just got to two and felt done. I could have had another when youngest was smaller but realistically it would have pushed us, financially, and me mentally and physically. Seemed dumb to do that for something unless we were desperate, and we weren't.

JaninaDuszejko · 26/07/2022 23:16

I have 3DC. I am one of 4, DH is one of 3 and before we had any we thought we'd have 3 or 4. But after DC3 I felt complete. Money was not an issue for us but having 3DC in quick succession (3 under 5 at one point) was hard on my body (even with straightforward pregnancies and births) but also on our marriage, we have no family support so we had no time for just us for many years. Suspect if our marriage had been weaker it would have crumbled.

Kylereese · 26/07/2022 23:17

No incentive would ever make me have another child (I have 2).

I was very broody for both of mine but the minute I had my second I just didn’t want anymore - I can’t explain it I just didn’t want to do the sleepless nights, nappies and bottles again.

I’ve been sterilised and if it failed I’d have an abortion.

EcoCustard · 26/07/2022 23:18

We have. 4 Dc. Stopped at 3 dc, however DH’s vasectomy failed. Decided not to terminate. Very happy but financially tougher than planned. I was adamant I wasn’t have any at all until an unexpected pregnancy & miscarriage at 33 triggered some sort of biological urge to have a child. 😄

Blizzardbeach · 26/07/2022 23:22

2, because I had my first at 17, then struggled until I was 30 to get pregnant again.
I'd have probably had 4 or 5 if I couldve had them when younger.

Now I've had to wait for #2 to arrive, we had some years where DD had the best of everything, and tbh the intention is now to keep our/their lifestyle the same.
I like to go on nice holidays, I want my children to have access to lots of activities, I want them to have their own rooms, I want to keep the house quite calm with a lot of attention for the kids. We like meals out and days out.
All of the above would have to change drastically if we had a 3rd baby.
As much as I'd love another baby I just know that the 2 babies I do have would lose out, and I don't think I could forgive myself for that.
Something would have to go, somewhere.

GarlicBread4Life · 26/07/2022 23:26

I had a vague idea in my head growing up that I wanted two children, probably because I’m one of two, and that’s what I had.

I had a brief moment of madness in the year after DC2 was born of wanting a third, but DH laughed in my face and then when he had finished laughing said ‘absolutely NOT!’. I’m glad he did. Mine are teens now and two of them in my house is quite enough!

In all seriousness, though, there were a few reasons why we stopped at two.

I had terrible hyperemesis with DC2 and c-sections with both. My body doesn’t ‘do’ pregnant and childbirth all that well, and I’m not sure I could’ve gone through it again.

We’re comfortably off, but not rich, and we weren’t prepared to make the financial sacrifices we would have had to for a bigger family. That’s really glaring now my kids are teens. We can afford to give them experiences - activities, holidays etc - that we’d be hard pushed to provide for three or more.