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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask why you have the number of children you have?

258 replies

TheGeoffLinton · 26/07/2022 21:35

I keep hearing that we’re having too few children to maintain the population. It seems to be a problem in a few countries in the West now. Often practical reasons are cited - having children later due to expensive childcare and not being able to get on the housing ladder means having fewer children. Sometimes they have a bit of a weird tone, like women and families aren’t doing their duty, does anyone else feel that?

You see suggested solutions like you could get a payment if you had more than 2 children? Would that be an incentive or would you find that weird?! Do you think subsidised childcare would be a better idea?

Personally I have no children, I’ve just never felt broody or maternal. I’d just be interested in what women actually think about this, not just the stats presented - if you have kids would you have more if you could afford it or would you always have stopped at 1 or 2?

I know this is the most journalist-sounding post but I really am just curious. I also appreciate there will be lots who can’t have any at all Flowers

OP posts:
Dartsplayer · 26/07/2022 22:25

I wanted 2 but ended up with 3 as second pregnancy was twins. It's been a struggle financially but I wouldn't change them for the world

DdraigGoch · 26/07/2022 22:25

Not met the right person yet.

When I do, I think I'll cap things at one child. Both because of environmental concerns and because my experience in a state school put me off wanting to send a child to one so if I only have one child I'd be able to afford private.

Pl242 · 26/07/2022 22:26

I have 2. Always had 2 in mind. My sibling died in childhood so always wanted to give my children a sibling if possible. 3+ just sounds too much like hard work! Doubtless of course I’d love anymore children we’d have. But we’re done. I think some parents are just cut out for a big, noisy, chaotic family. We are not!

SpaceJamtart · 26/07/2022 22:27

4, surprise twins, a happy accident, and some family circumstances which meant I permanently fostered my little brother
Didn't plan on any initially so this was all quite surprising

PersianStar · 26/07/2022 22:30

We always wanted 4, dc3 is 6 months old and was born extremely poorly after a traumatic labour.
pretty sure we are done now. I’m not sure I can actually carry another to term as I struggled with spd.
we also don’t know the long term effects of her illness, so we want to concentrate on the ones we have and give them all our attention and focus on her if she needs extra support. We had 3 under 3 so it’s hard work anyway.
Im another that loves the newborn stage and watching them learn everything for the first time. It’s hard to admit my time is over for that. But I have 3 beautiful babies, 2 of which shouldn’t be here, so I’m just incredibly thankful and I love watching them learn and grow together

eurochick · 26/07/2022 22:32

Have one. Wanted two. Didn't have a second due to infertility. The first was the result of 2xIUI and 4xIVF. We couldn't face all that again but hoped for a natural miracle (as has happened for a number of friends who had needed ivf) but we didn't get lucky.

ellieboolou · 26/07/2022 22:33

2 and it's more than enough for me!

Longdistance · 26/07/2022 22:33

Well, according to everyone else, they thought I’d have about 5, but, we moved to Oz when dc2 was born, so I didn’t want anymore dc out there. Came back after 2 years, felt too old in myself.
Have found dc1 really hard work and she’s 12 now and still the same.
I now look at those with 3 dc, as I did today and feel I made the right decision.

Floydthebarber · 26/07/2022 22:33

We knew we wanted more than one with a smallish age gap and knew we could cover the expense. Have 2 dds, 2 years apart. My dh was under massive stress from work when I was pregnant with dd2 and for the first few months after. Statutory sick pay with my mat leave put us in debt. Also caused me awful depression from the stress. Without all that i think we'd have tried for a third after a couple of years again.

I am still sad that we didn't get to seriously consider a third. We live in too small a house now and it's been too long since the baby stage I'm not sure I want to go back.

Arenanewbie · 26/07/2022 22:33

One child (private IVF), I have fertility issues. I would have another now but it’s too late for me , 15 years ago I wasn’t in position to go through private IVF again, it’s not easy financially, psychologically and health wise.

Sanfranciscobabe · 26/07/2022 22:34

2

my husband is older than me and didn’t want any more, I’d have had a 3rd

schnix · 26/07/2022 22:34

1 - would have loved 2 but just hasn't been on the cards for us

Groovychick10 · 26/07/2022 22:36

We have only one. Always planned more but after the birth of our son, I suffered from postnatal depression. Our son is on the autism spectrum & can be full on & my husband isn't very hands on. I definitely couldn't cope with another child. Very happy with just one.

abovedecknotbelow · 26/07/2022 22:36

I've got twins, had a shit pregnancy shit delivery shit NICU stay, not a chance I'm going through that again. Might possibly if I'd had a singleton but I wouldn't count on it.

RicherThanYew · 26/07/2022 22:38

Pregnant 3 times, 1 child. After the final miscarriage we said enough was enough and DH is getting the snip in September because we agree that we are not strong enough to cope with further losses. It was initially horrible to realise we would never give our son a sibling but we are happy now.

jcmd · 26/07/2022 22:38

We have 2. We can take one each when things are hectic. We travel a lot so any more would make for more expensive fights. It seems fairly calm in the grand scheme of things and I'd rather punch myself in the face than go through childbirth and the newborn phase again - we are just out of it. Two works for us.

SpaceyCake · 26/07/2022 22:39

Wanted none. Then wanted one. Had one. Desperately want another one but DH doesn't so it looks like we're done. 😫I should be happy with what I have really but it's hard sometimes.

snowday01 · 26/07/2022 22:39

2 living children, DD died during childbirth. DS2 is 20 months & DH is beginning to talk about another... I'm torn - love my children so much and always imagined a big family but after 3 csections and the unexpected loss of DD I don't know if I can face it physically or mentally at the moment.. might reassess when DS is in preschool and we are out of the thick of toddlerhood lol

HerbErtlinger · 26/07/2022 22:39

I have 2. My youngest was a preemie due to becoming very poorly and I only noticed because his movements changed and he was delivered, had to be resuscitated and on a ventilator. The consultant who examined my placenta described the condition that caused it and said it could very easily occur again for me in any subsequent pregnancies. I'm too scared to have anymore in case it reoccurs and I don't notice a change in movement or have the mental capacity to get through 9 months of fear and anxiety

Arrrrrrrrrgh · 26/07/2022 22:41

I literally can’t earn enough with my professional qualifications to get childcare for the two we have. Childcare is £31000 a year even with the (actually 20 hours) 30 hours of free childcare for oldest. I earn £21k after tax. I don’t think we can have a third.

Minniem2020 · 26/07/2022 22:43

I have 3. There is a big age gap though,they are 16, 4 and 3 months. I didn't want the eldest to grow up as an only child but life doesn't care what you have planned and myself and her dad split up. Ive now had the younger 2 with dp. I will be stopping at 3 purely for financial reasons but I in no way feel done and if I came in to money I'd have another one tomorrow.

peanutbutter00 · 26/07/2022 22:44
  1. Main reason I just have absolutely no desire to have a baby, or be a parent of a child of any age.

Secondary reasons are, I don't think it's right to have a child that isn't wanted, I wouldn't like to bring a child into the world as it is now, pregnancy risks scare me (even the small ones), childcare is expensive etc. As someone who isn't maternal it's like selecting the 'difficult' setting on a game, I'd rather make choices that make my life easier to be brutally honest

mawofone · 26/07/2022 22:44

I am one of 3 and always imagined I'd have 2 or 3 children.
Staying pregnant was an issue for me but I was finally lucky to have our son. I sailed through pregnancy, I loved it and felt like Mother Nature had finally given me a break.
We had significant complications at delivery that mean we are lucky our son survived. Between that and our recurrent losses, I could not cope with trying again. And to be honest, I feel entirely fulfilled and content with one.
However, I feel guilty he will never have a sibling.

Siameasy · 26/07/2022 22:44

1
it was so hard to meet the right bloke. I was 35 when I did. We had it drummed into us at school “career career career”.

I felt exhausted by the pre-school years. I worked shifts and sometimes I’d get home at 3am, my child would wake at 6 and that was me up for the day. I didn’t feel anywhere near ready for child number 2 until DD started school. By then I was early 40s and I just couldn’t face it all again.

I’d say my job was the problem but I have an excellent pension provision so I’ve made peace with it.

MakkaPakkas · 26/07/2022 22:46

I have 2. Stopped there because

  1. second child had awful colic and the first year of her life was pretty much the lowest I've ever been.
  2. see 1) I could also say that more than 2 don't fit easily in the house or car but that's not insurmountable and if I really wanted more I'd have got round that