To want people to buy what they promised?

[Panicbuyingmum]

Trying to work out if I'm BU, I can be a bit BEC sometimes!

DD is 4 tomorrow, since she was born we've had a relatively strict policy of only buying toys etc. for her birthday or Christmas. If she sees something in a shop/advert we say she can add it to her 'list' (not a physical list anywhere). This is the first time that she's really started to get into this and there are 3/4 things that have been on her 'list' for a long time and that she really wants.

As her birthday has gotten closer she will often talk about how excited she is to get these things, they're only little bits and pieces but she's waited so patiently for them.

Now on to the issue! We were at a wedding about 3 weeks ago with all of DHs family, we don't see them as often as my side (their choice not ours!) and DH would really like for them to foster a better relationship with DD. MIL asked me if DD had anything specific that she wanted for her birthday as she would rather buy her something she really wants than guess. SILs and BILs agreed on this too.

My thought - fantastic! I'll let PILs be the heroes of the hour with the much longed for presents and we'll get her some things we know she'd like. Went through 3 different things with them, showed them the stuff online (and the prices) then sent them the links. ILs said that all looked great, they would sort that and reiterated that they wanted to get her something she'd really like.

Fast forward to last night and on the phone MIL casually mentions they've all clubbed together to buy DD a 'big present' all together. I said (as casually as I could!) oh what about the things on her wishlist, and was told that they decided not to because they saw this instead and it's 'much better'.

Now I'm sure this is probably true, none-the-less, it's not what we agreed and what she's looking forward to. Now I've had to panic buy the bits she wanted and I've got to make a dash to 2 click and collects this afternoon to grab it as Prime wouldn't get them here in time.

I'm pretty miffed about this, DH took more of a 'she wouldn't even notice if she didn't get what she'd asked for' stance and that she should be grateful for anything. I, on the other hand, am thinking that if we're going to take a hard line stance of not buying stuff 24/7 then we should deliver on our promises to get her what she wants. Obviously as she gets older we'll need to add some boundaries to this (no xbox, ps5 AND switch thank you!) but we're still in the rollerskates and barbies stage.

[Ohheythereitsme]

It’s just how these things go. If you have promised her presents then best if your secure them yourself. Give relatives and friends a second list which are not as essential.

[ClocksGoingBackwards]

In future, just don’t tell the relatives the items you know your DD really wants and get them yourself. Let them buy whatever they want, and the problem disappears.

[TokyoSushi]

Yes agree, it's annoying, but if you definitely want DD to have things then you should get those and leave the more optional things to others.

[goldfinchonthelawn]

Why don't you buy her a handful of the bits and pieces she really wanted instead of a big present? She'll be just as happy.

[Panicbuyingmum]

Oh believe me, I've definitely learnt my lesson here, important presents will be secured by me from now on! I thought I was helping to build that relationship as I know she's going to go crazy when she gets what she's been waiting for and wanted them to have that special memory!

[Panicbuyingmum]

@goldfinchonthelawn

Why don't you buy her a handful of the bits and pieces she really wanted instead of a big present? She'll be just as happy.

Her birthday is tomorrow so I've had to get those bits she wanted on top of what we'd planned and whatever the 'big gift' is from ILs. We'd agreed that they were going to buy her all the things on her list (their insistence, not mine!).

[Thornethorn]

I'd be a bit irked but lesson learnt.

[WillitFit]

I wouldn't have let anyone else get the important things. If there were other things you know she'd like, you should have suggested those. DH is right in that she/you should be pleased to get a gift and it does sound like it's a good gift, if there are certain things it's important to you she has, the only way to control that is to do it yourself.

[Threelittlelambs]

Not sure why people do this. I remember MIL asking what she wanted which was a dark blue soft dressing gown in M&S - when the package arrived it always Barbie pink and would never have been worn! I took it back and swapped it. MIL want too pleased. But lesson learnt!

[underneaththeash]

I had the same issue with MIL, she asked what they wanted, I selected a few items off their list and asked her to let me know and then she didn't buy it, 2 ears running........so I stopped.
My family buy off the list and the kids like what they get. DC don't like what she buys as it's either a duplicate/too old or young or just something they don't like and we often just put everything straight into the charity box.

[Oreosareawful]

I totally understand! My In laws will often ask what to get, I send them a list, website links etc and they get something completely different.
Now when they ask me what to get I tell them I've no idea.

[MrsLargeEmbodied]

people can be a bit funny
they are her relatives also
you dont say whta they have bought
is it suitable for your house?

[FilePhoto]

Yanbu. My ex ILs did this all the time.

I remember asking once for some Fisher Price Little People sets to add to DS1s collection. They decided to buy the ELC Happyland stuff instead because "its much better". (It wasn't. And even if it was it wasn't compatible with what we already had which was kind of the point)

[Transformatio]

I would be irked - that is thoughtless. However, as you said, lesson learnt!

Hopefully, this doesn't get worse for you tomorrow when they turn up with a big bulky item that your daughter isn't really very interested in but you feel obliged to keep...

[Whatwouldscullydo]

Yes this strangely seems to be a thing. People ask what someone wants. People you have repeatedly told that they really don't have to, please don't feel obliged to etc but who insist they wish to get them something. Then decide that they aren't going to get what the kid wants or what they said they were going to get. Or alternatively they get something similar but not quite what they wanted but too similar to be able to justify getting the original version you wanted.

Then you are the one who appears to be the arsehole when you aren't eternally grateful.

Its just bizarre

[ILikeHotWaterBottles]

People can be right twats about presents. If you get given a list or an option when you ASK WHAT THE PERSON WANTS, bloody well buy it you knob head! If you don't actually give a damn and are going to buy whatever you think they want, then don't bother asking and waste your money on the crap.

I bet MIL/FIL/others will be annoyed tomorrow when dd probably isn't bothered by what they've bought and instead plays with the stuff she actually wanted. Will serve them right.

[SalmonEile]

I see why you’re annoyed I would be too but you’ve learned now So you know for next time so instead of a much wanted item you can tell them “a jigsaw” (instead of a Paw Patrol jigsaw) or “anything paw patrol “ (instead of a Paw Patrol jigsaw)
as your child gets older she’ll realize how much effort they make with her or don’t make as the case may be so even if they buy her something she really wanted she’ll know if the idea came from you.
if they want the bonding and relationship they’ll have to step up and actually spend time with her.

[TemperTrap]

@Panicbuyingmum

Oh believe me, I've definitely learnt my lesson here, important presents will be secured by me from now on! I thought I was helping to build that relationship as I know she's going to go crazy when she gets what she's been waiting for and wanted them to have that special memory!

Tbh the only thing that will help them develop a relationship is them spending time together and family taking an interest in her.
She'll notice that much more than who got her the best present.

[Panicbuyingmum]

@MrsLargeEmbodied

people can be a bit funny
they are her relatives also
you dont say whta they have bought
is it suitable for your house?

They haven't said what it is!! Please not a trampoline, please not a trampoline....

[Goldfishjones]

Well, lesson learnt. Next time give a vague idea of something less important or say you don't know what to suggest.

But it is annoying when someone dumps on your shoulders the mental load of thinking of a present, finding the link, buying an alternative gift yourself etc ......then buying something else anyway. (Why ask?!).

[Panicbuyingmum]

@TemperTrap

Tbh the only thing that will help them develop a relationship is them spending time together and family taking an interest in her.
She'll notice that much more than who got her the best present.

I think this is what has made me more annoyed than anything, they aren't very interested in DD beyond her looking nice in photos for SM. So it feels a little like them not being interested in what's important to her, I'm sure whatever it is will be insta friendly!

[CarlCarlson]

I think you should just be grateful they’re buying her things tbh

[Garysparrowsthirdwife]

My mother used to do this but in her case it was more to prove a point
my teenage dd loved tatty teddy-and for about 5 years my mother would buy cheap fakes and then have the nerve to act upset when dd didn’t add them to her collection

shed ask what did they want and then buy something they they where not into and I’d be left to get rid of it-to which I’d get the shit for getting rid-she expected me to hang onto tat just because she bought it
If she’d just bought what they asked for in the first place (nothing expensive) then there wouldn’t have been a problem

it came to a head when she told ds that she would take him to toys r us for a present
she then went out and bought a load of plastic tat and screamed in my face when he innocently asked when where they going to the toy shop?

I gave up-and just donated it all to the charity shop

i honestly think in her case it was to prove a point but in others it’s just being thoughtless

if im ever lucky enough to have grandchildren then im sticking to the list and not putting the parents in this position

[CantBeArsedToDoAnything]

I want to see how this turns out I bet it’s a dolls house…..
seriously though op, if your pils said that they would buy the things on the list, I would expect them to, what where you going to get dd?

[Luredbyapomegranate]

@Ohheythereitsme

It’s just how these things go. If you have promised her presents then best if your secure them yourself. Give relatives and friends a second list which are not as essential.

Yes this

with kindness this a problem of your own making. You don’t make promises on other people’s behalf.