To want people to buy what they promised?

[Panicbuyingmum]

Trying to work out if I'm BU, I can be a bit BEC sometimes!

DD is 4 tomorrow, since she was born we've had a relatively strict policy of only buying toys etc. for her birthday or Christmas. If she sees something in a shop/advert we say she can add it to her 'list' (not a physical list anywhere). This is the first time that she's really started to get into this and there are 3/4 things that have been on her 'list' for a long time and that she really wants.

As her birthday has gotten closer she will often talk about how excited she is to get these things, they're only little bits and pieces but she's waited so patiently for them.

Now on to the issue! We were at a wedding about 3 weeks ago with all of DHs family, we don't see them as often as my side (their choice not ours!) and DH would really like for them to foster a better relationship with DD. MIL asked me if DD had anything specific that she wanted for her birthday as she would rather buy her something she really wants than guess. SILs and BILs agreed on this too.

My thought - fantastic! I'll let PILs be the heroes of the hour with the much longed for presents and we'll get her some things we know she'd like. Went through 3 different things with them, showed them the stuff online (and the prices) then sent them the links. ILs said that all looked great, they would sort that and reiterated that they wanted to get her something she'd really like.

Fast forward to last night and on the phone MIL casually mentions they've all clubbed together to buy DD a 'big present' all together. I said (as casually as I could!) oh what about the things on her wishlist, and was told that they decided not to because they saw this instead and it's 'much better'.

Now I'm sure this is probably true, none-the-less, it's not what we agreed and what she's looking forward to. Now I've had to panic buy the bits she wanted and I've got to make a dash to 2 click and collects this afternoon to grab it as Prime wouldn't get them here in time.

I'm pretty miffed about this, DH took more of a 'she wouldn't even notice if she didn't get what she'd asked for' stance and that she should be grateful for anything. I, on the other hand, am thinking that if we're going to take a hard line stance of not buying stuff 24/7 then we should deliver on our promises to get her what she wants. Obviously as she gets older we'll need to add some boundaries to this (no xbox, ps5 AND switch thank you!) but we're still in the rollerskates and barbies stage.

I think there are 2 issues here...

• you can’t outsource promises
• you are trying too hard to stage manage their relationship

It's hard to look thrilled and be grateful for something you didn't ask for, don't want and will take up half your house! I'm nervous for you OP!

Well I’m mean but I would put a pic on your family sm of excited dd unwrapping the gifts that in-laws should have bought.

I wouldn't leave it to others to get gifts I knew my child really wanted- no.
I had a similar policy with my children, for large items like a trampoline or x box, they knew that stuff like that came only at birthdays or christmas.
They did get little things through the year, but usually not the big things.
I think it also teaches delayed gratification, and gives time for the child to think about how much they wanted a particular item, rather than buying on a whim for something never be used again.
I really wouldn't trust relatives to buy much desired for toys- no.
A vague suggestion if they ask, so "Craft kits would work or anything to do with Baking, or really loves dinosaurs at the moment" would be the type of suggestion I would give- if asked.

@Somethingneedstochange Oh good lord this whole thread is making me realise how many 'big' gifts exist in the world.

I hope it's mainly 'big' in terms of value/importance rather than 'big' like a ride on jeep

@Panicbuyingmum if the present it too big to store, I’d say, wow what a lovely enormous car, rocking horse, this will live and granny and grandads as we can’t fit it here, won’t it be lovely to play with when you visit. They don’t want to ask if you can fit the present in your house before buying it, the bastards can keep it. 😅 This will also knock them pulling this again, be assertive OP!

Yeah it’s annoying - I’ve had it the other way round though. FIL bought the main present for my DS when he was 5 or 6- DD had been asking me for it for months. FIL didn’t ask what he wanted just a lucky guess- however I had already bought it too, well in time for Xmas. FIL gave it to him early before Christmas when I wasn’t even there. DS came home all excited saying he’s got everything he wants for Christmas now. I was happy for him but crushed for myself as I had been so looking forward to seeing the look on his face when he opened it on Xmas morning 😢

Sorry meant to read DS not DD

It’s definitely a ride on jeep op

@MargotChateau Yes I've done this before to them so they should have learnt!

Your mistake, as you know, was relying on other people and they know best mantra.

@Panicbuyingmum I get that it’s frustrating, it’s also very common, people love the joy of the big surprise, pre-chosen lists take some of that joy away. I think you really do have to treat gifts as just that, a happy surprise that can’t be relied upon in anyway. If she was disappointed because no one managed to get her what she had on her list, it would be hard for her- but being disappointed by gifts is a big part of life! It happens to everyone, at 4, 14 or 40.

100% it's a ride on toy. We got one of those last year and it's still in its box. What is it with grandparents thinking that small children need an electronic ride on toy?

I agree with you OP, what is the point of asking and then not buying what what you were told the child wants? It's daft.

I always ask the parents of the children I buy for what they want and then, funnily enough, buy it and confirm to the parents that I have done so. Sometimes the parent says I've found it in x place and can get it quickly at x price so I transfer the money for them to do so. Child gets what they really want, parent has saved me the trouble of wondering what to buy and doesn't have to fund it themselves it's a win all round.

I'd far rather have children get something they want and alleviate the costs to the parents of getting all the items the child wants and then having a multitude of stuff the child is not that interested in and just collect dust.

If I do have an idea of something I think the child would like I do this very strange thing of talking to the parent and asking their opinion and then accepting that opinion.

Please post what the big gift is once you have time after the birthday. I am very intrigued 🤣

Waste of time and money.

in laws asked what to get for 2 year olds birthday. I said a small paddling pool or pool toys for the summer and showed a few ideas.

They bought a blow up Olympic sized frikkin pool that will take about a month to fill and wouldn’t even fit. Then got annoyed when we told them it had to be returned

Agree with lots of others, having did a Christmas morning dash one hour up the motorway as Father Christmas had delivered Baby Shelley to her dads by ‘accident’, she was four, and beside herself with tears, everyone though me and her dad were bonkers, we sat half way in a lay-by with kids in the car opening presents and it snowed, lol.

the things she wants the most be sure to be the ones you buy.

Blatantly placemarking for the big reveal tomorrow 😁

Post on here tomorrow when you find out what their "even better" big gift is!

It could well be, but my mum's bought her a bike... it'll be Nanna handbags at dawn over the peppa pig cake!

I've had that with cakes - some years there were three birthday cakes .

I've had this family pestered for gift ideas - then in desperation I admit what they really want and get told they'll get that and last minute they don't.

I ended up just suggesting clothes which worked well and other side of family switched to money themselves as it was easier.

YANBU, but lesson learned. My mum loves to shop and loves a bargain so every birthday and Christmas delivers masses of plastic crap, occasionally in duplicate (two sets of the same cruddy plastic dolls?!). Half we keep, half goes boxes to the charity shop.

I need to know what the big present is! Massive play kitchen? Rocking horse? Mud kitchen?

I’m interested in what it could be

Oh FFS! Who cares? Far too much angst and emphasis placed on a four year olds birthday gifts. Poor kid! You sound like you think anyone who lets their kids have 'too many' toys or a games console is 'beneath you'. You sound like you're being inversely snobby!

another one who needs to know.

Also YANBU its so frustrating. I asked SIL to get DD a red ball for her birthday. Cheap and cheerful as SIL does not have much money and it literally was the only thing DD wanted out of giant toy store visit to get ideas. Plus red is her favourite colour.

Instead SIL got her a enviromentally friendly one in pale colours with virtuous text about saving the planet made of recycled plastic and handmaid by fairies that cost ££ more. DD not impressed and it is completely ignored. I ended up buying her the red ball myself as an end of term treat (as she asked for it) and it has been played with constantly and even brought on holiday.

Such a waste. I appreciate the thought but sometimes kids just want a basic red ball. Still I can donate the poncey one to the charity shop and someone will get a bargain.