To want people to buy what they promised?

[Panicbuyingmum]

Trying to work out if I'm BU, I can be a bit BEC sometimes!

DD is 4 tomorrow, since she was born we've had a relatively strict policy of only buying toys etc. for her birthday or Christmas. If she sees something in a shop/advert we say she can add it to her 'list' (not a physical list anywhere). This is the first time that she's really started to get into this and there are 3/4 things that have been on her 'list' for a long time and that she really wants.

As her birthday has gotten closer she will often talk about how excited she is to get these things, they're only little bits and pieces but she's waited so patiently for them.

Now on to the issue! We were at a wedding about 3 weeks ago with all of DHs family, we don't see them as often as my side (their choice not ours!) and DH would really like for them to foster a better relationship with DD. MIL asked me if DD had anything specific that she wanted for her birthday as she would rather buy her something she really wants than guess. SILs and BILs agreed on this too.

My thought - fantastic! I'll let PILs be the heroes of the hour with the much longed for presents and we'll get her some things we know she'd like. Went through 3 different things with them, showed them the stuff online (and the prices) then sent them the links. ILs said that all looked great, they would sort that and reiterated that they wanted to get her something she'd really like.

Fast forward to last night and on the phone MIL casually mentions they've all clubbed together to buy DD a 'big present' all together. I said (as casually as I could!) oh what about the things on her wishlist, and was told that they decided not to because they saw this instead and it's 'much better'.

Now I'm sure this is probably true, none-the-less, it's not what we agreed and what she's looking forward to. Now I've had to panic buy the bits she wanted and I've got to make a dash to 2 click and collects this afternoon to grab it as Prime wouldn't get them here in time.

I'm pretty miffed about this, DH took more of a 'she wouldn't even notice if she didn't get what she'd asked for' stance and that she should be grateful for anything. I, on the other hand, am thinking that if we're going to take a hard line stance of not buying stuff 24/7 then we should deliver on our promises to get her what she wants. Obviously as she gets older we'll need to add some boundaries to this (no xbox, ps5 AND switch thank you!) but we're still in the rollerskates and barbies stage.

Shameless placemarking as I want to know..

Don't ASK if they can have it at their house either if its huge and silly... state, to DD and to them ..

'Oh how lovely, of course you can play with it now as it's your birthday, but then it will have to go home with DaftGP's and you can play with it when you go and visit them, won't that be LOVELY...'

I understand where you’re coming from - and I’ve been through this myself - but it is also worth considering the implications of the system you’re building up.

Gifts are an expression of other people’s love/generosity. Traditionally the role of the recipient is to accept the gift in the spirit it’s given with grace and gratitude.

Because we’re living in a time of unprecedented abundance and we’re all overwhelmed by stuff it’s natural to try and put the brakes on the flow of stuff into our homes.

But creating a wishlist and ordering things is shopping. And ime it creates entitlement. I’m not saying this to be patronising - I’m just a few years further down this road and seeing it from a different angle. I’m not even sure what the alternative is.

What happened to just being grateful? I get they said they would buy the items from the list, but it’s not the end of the world! My sons birthday is just over a week away, in laws always ask me what he’d like! I just tell them what he likes and enjoys playing with and they go and buy things they think is appropriate.

I ask the kids what they would like personally and If there’s ALOT on that list I just explain (we do the birthday llama) that the birthday llama will come again next year and you can ask again then for the ones you didn’t get.

I see it as it’s much more important for them to focus on family, a day out to enjoy then everything being focused on presents. The only way you DD will gain a relationship with your in laws is by seeing them, going over to spend the odd weekend here and there? Etc. I don’t think it’s a good life lesson to teach a child that the only way to remember someone is by what/how important the presents they buy you are.

lesson learnt, next time just ask her personally, if you can’t afford everything, explain that maybe next year she will get some of the other items, then get the ones affordable. Just advise family if they want to give anything for her birthday that money for her would be a good idea OR just tell them what she likes playing with etc so they can decide.

How on earth did we get to this stage? "Securing presents"?

I agree with your DH on this one.

Shamelessly following to find out what the 'big' present is tomorrow. :-)

Yes it would annoy me but I think I’d be more worried that it’s a big gift . I’d be like where am I going to put it . Surely if it’s big you’d get the heads up so you have space . I wonder if it’s a playhouse for outside.

I sometimes offer to order, buy & wrap the gift (& family member pays me back!). Could avoid this issue. I frame it as being helpful and saving them time!

an enormous dolls house?
Can’t be that BIG physically (Eg trampoline, swing, slide) as it wouldn’t fit in BILs boot. Unless he too has s transit van.

it’s very annoying though op! Hope she has s lively bday regardless.

Ooh, what is it, what is it? I must know what this horrendous unwanted gift is!

My in-laws are exactly like this. In their minds, they're choosing something unique and special. Although they have good intentions, any efforts to provide even the vaguest of suggested details will be not listened to or ignored. Because THEY KNOW BEST.

It comes from a good place as they want the recipient to be delighted with the surprise they've taken the time to choose. Sadly, it means quite a few gifts aren't used for whatever reason so end up in the charity shop.

I'd agree with the careful giving of ideas, as with the jigsaw. Can't go too wrong (although they once bought my son a miniature 1000 piece one of the forest that was impossible). I feel bad they've spent a lot of money but it's how they like to do it.

I am relieved my FIL has moved on from buying me sleepwear with Take me to bed and Little Miss Naughty on it which I just couldn't bring myself to wear. We're still in the 'personal' presents genre though.

😱

Yes its annoying.
But people don't think 🤷🏻‍♀️

@NotDonna I agree, I did have a significant panic about the ride on car as we don't have a garage or even a big shed. But thinking logically it won't fit in BILs car especially not with 4 people in it too!

And yes, I agree with you OP. It's fine if they ended up getting something different, but should've at least let you know, and in my opinion really big gifts should be run by the parents first. But then people don't think. They're not the ones who've had to listen to endless talk of rollerskating. (Though I have to break it to you that the skates might be less of a hit than expected once she puts them on and falls straight on her bum. I had a pair of pink rollerskates when I was about 4 or 5 that I loved in theory but never used because I felt so scared on them. But perhaps your child is more of a daredevil than I was - you wouldn't get me in a pair of skates even now!)

It'll be fine. You are overthinking this.

I agree, it's not the end of the world, just an inconvenience to my day. I'm thankful we could get/ afford what she wanted the day before.

It wasn't a case of needing ILs to buy the presents as we couldn't afford them but them insisting they wanted to buy her whole list (which was small and affordable anyway) but then going back on it and not letting us know.

DD won't care who gives it to her but I know she'll be really excited to get them and thought it would be lovely for them to make her that happy seeing as they don't really have much interest in spending time with her/ getting to know her.

😆I'll make sure to update tomorrow! I'm not overly worried about what it is because if it is overly big then I'll definitely send it back home with them (I've done this before!) to be a Nanny house toy! Because won't that be so lovely!

Not looking forward to the inevitable cat bum face if DD is more interested in one of her other new toys. Feel the need to add that I know DD will be grateful/ enthusiastic about all her gifts... just maybe more enthusiastic about others! 😬

I fundamentally disagree!!

I was brought up with only getting presents on my birthday & Christmas.

having a list of what I'd like was fun & really made me think about it, not just want everything in sight. I also always knew it was my list of what I'd like, NOT a list of what I'd get.

Children (then) didn't have the agency to buy what they wanted, so just had to hope someone might buy them the things they really really wanted.

it made things more special, not less!

I remember several toys I really really wanted, and how excited I was when I got them.

I also remember very ordinary Sunday afternoons when our extended family would come for dinner & to play games, camping holidays & 2p to buy an apple on the way home from school!

life was simpler & I congratulate the OP on bringing her daughter up with the same values & giving her daughter the opportunity to learn delayed gratification & the absolute joy of dreaming!

@Panicbuyingmum your posts are making me laugh, especially the one with the van, the dolly & the key! Don't be afraid to use them!!

you're a FTM, we all had to learn the many ways people confused, disappointed & frustrated us through the eyes of our children.

you've learnt this lesson the hard way, but at least it was in time to 'fix' it! I hope DD has a lovely birthday!!

Don't keep bashing your head on the wall trying to improve the bond between DD & the in-laws - you can't make glue with water alone!!

your Mum is buying her 🚲 if they turn up with one, tell them it was already arranged as their gifts were, so they need to return it. Don't let DD see it in case she likes it more (kids do for the daftest reasons!!) .

have fun 🎂

Ona separate note when they are so little I dont think you need to stick to xmas and birthdays. Remember q year isnt long to us but to them can be half their liftime they can remember! So its like telling us we can have something in 20 years time. Time is so fluid too. Also tastes change. Its sometimes lovely to treat children just because its something you know theyll love. We used to look on ebay/marketplace if there was sometbing she was into or get the odd thing from the toy shop.

The "Wait til birthday" makes q lot more sense when they're older qnd wanting bigger ticket items.

Ah wonderul crosspost! Most peoples memories of waiting for sometbibg are usually the bigger things and when they're older I'd imagine? It can be both.

I also personally dont want xmas qnd birthdays to be overwhelming with all the things we would have bought throughout the year... we dont do the "giant pile of presents" intentionally .

Be one of those gifts she's more interested in playing with the box.😂😂😂

Can't wait to find out what it is tomorrow!

@WinterMusings

That's such a lovely message, thank you! I was brought up the same, I can still remember my mum surprising me with a random non-birthday/ xmas gift and just how rapturously happy I was, I'm certain I wouldn't remember that as strongly/fondly if I had gifts all the time.

I never felt hard done by waiting for birthdays etc and I'm almost certain DD doesn't either, it's what she's always known and she'll sometimes see something in a shop and when I offer to take a photo in case we want to put it on our list she'll decide she's not even that interested. This may well change as she gets older and has school friends but we'll introduce pocket money soon and perhaps that will be a way round for interim purchases.

It's so hard to get the balance right and she might have a right old moan at me when she's older but hopefully when I start filling her house up with plastic tat every Saturday for my GCs she'll understand what I was on about!! 😅

My money is on a ride on car, or a huge dolls house.

I feel your pain. 3 months before Christmas or birthdays I start getting nagged by in-laws and SIL for things to buy. It’s persistent and really stresses me out (I rarely have time to think about my own present buying till a few days before). I give up all my ideas only for them to buy different things anyway 😫