To want people to buy what they promised?

[Panicbuyingmum]

Trying to work out if I'm BU, I can be a bit BEC sometimes!

DD is 4 tomorrow, since she was born we've had a relatively strict policy of only buying toys etc. for her birthday or Christmas. If she sees something in a shop/advert we say she can add it to her 'list' (not a physical list anywhere). This is the first time that she's really started to get into this and there are 3/4 things that have been on her 'list' for a long time and that she really wants.

As her birthday has gotten closer she will often talk about how excited she is to get these things, they're only little bits and pieces but she's waited so patiently for them.

Now on to the issue! We were at a wedding about 3 weeks ago with all of DHs family, we don't see them as often as my side (their choice not ours!) and DH would really like for them to foster a better relationship with DD. MIL asked me if DD had anything specific that she wanted for her birthday as she would rather buy her something she really wants than guess. SILs and BILs agreed on this too.

My thought - fantastic! I'll let PILs be the heroes of the hour with the much longed for presents and we'll get her some things we know she'd like. Went through 3 different things with them, showed them the stuff online (and the prices) then sent them the links. ILs said that all looked great, they would sort that and reiterated that they wanted to get her something she'd really like.

Fast forward to last night and on the phone MIL casually mentions they've all clubbed together to buy DD a 'big present' all together. I said (as casually as I could!) oh what about the things on her wishlist, and was told that they decided not to because they saw this instead and it's 'much better'.

Now I'm sure this is probably true, none-the-less, it's not what we agreed and what she's looking forward to. Now I've had to panic buy the bits she wanted and I've got to make a dash to 2 click and collects this afternoon to grab it as Prime wouldn't get them here in time.

I'm pretty miffed about this, DH took more of a 'she wouldn't even notice if she didn't get what she'd asked for' stance and that she should be grateful for anything. I, on the other hand, am thinking that if we're going to take a hard line stance of not buying stuff 24/7 then we should deliver on our promises to get her what she wants. Obviously as she gets older we'll need to add some boundaries to this (no xbox, ps5 AND switch thank you!) but we're still in the rollerskates and barbies stage.

Have you read Dale Carnegie's book ?.

Following for the update on what it is 🤣

I understand too. Mil would go for quantity. So rather tha the one thing ds would want she'd buy some cheap imitation version of it and loads of other stuff too so it wasn't like she could t afford it. So rather than say £20 on a playmo police car she'd spend £5 on some big plastic one from the market (that didn't have opening doors or the accessories) and then spend another £30 on other tat that would be placed with once at the most and then ignored.

Me to britney

I meant I wanted PILs to have the memory of her being super excited/grateful for their gift. She might be over the moon with whatever it is, but if she's not jumping up and down with excitement so they can put the video on their FB they're going to have a face like a smacked arse all day.

OK, I'll report back! 😄Also how do you tag someone's name? I have no idea!

I kind of hope they do have faces like a smacked arse, and that she jumps with joy for your present and your mums presents, maybe then they will stick to the list.

Please don’t forget to update us!

@Panicbuyingmum

type @ then user name to tag

Of course on any thread about presents you’ll always get people telling you you’re unreasonable and ungrateful but I agree with you it’s just annoying to say you’re doing one thing and then do another. Especially with children as it’s not good for them.

Am I the only one confused that they won't tell you what they have bought her?

I've always coordinated with family when buying presents to ensure no one buys the same thing.

I can get how annoying this is, but you may find that your daughter really isn't that bothered after all about the specifics. She might be, but a lot of kids will be very invested in a particular toy for a while, then forget about it by the time their birthday rolls around and just be excited about getting a present, no matter what it is.

My in laws are like this with DH. Now I don't give them things and say I don't know I'm stuck for ideas too. Otherwise I give them ideas and they don't tell me what they've got until it's too late for me to get things!

I used to work in a toy shop and people (especially grandparents) would come in and say "I've been told to get X" and I would show it to them and they would often go "Oh is that it? It's a bit small. I can't get them that" and they would choose something else - that usually was in a big box!!
But small doesn't mean cheap? Small doesn't mean it's not good enough.
I was literally looking at Barbie clothes in The Entertainer this morning. They are expensive. £7 or so for one outfit. If a child is getting a Barbie doll as a gift they are going to want accessories. A grandparent could easily spend £50 on just buying a few outfits but they get in their head that a few Barbie frocks isn't 'good enough' because they are in tiny packets.
So they buy something random that the child doesn't really want and poor Barbie only has one dress 🙂

I agree with you OP. Im sure your DD will have a wonderful birthday tomorrow, but why do people bother asking a question if they don't care about the answer.

I never understand people who say a 4 year old wouldn't notice- or maybe mine is just a laser sharp memory. He will get an idea in his head what he wants and there's no deterring him. I had something similar with MIL. Got her something I knew he'd love and let her be the hero. Ordered it. Delivered it to her house. Reminded her about 10 times. It was something like a hoover or sink- household item kids love. FIL thought it was a BS present. Insisted on a fire engine. He ignored the fire engine. Played with DM's present. Eventually i said where's the other toy. And when it was produced he was over the moon. To his credit FIL apologised for dissing the original present

@Alarae It's suspicious isn't it. They said they were coming in BILs car because they needed his big boot for her present just off hand. And my ears from the other room pricked up because the gifts they said they were buying were only small. That's when I questioned it, when DH asked what they'd got they said it was a surprise and they wanted to see our faces too and wouldn't budge on it. I only added that I do hope it's not TOO big because they know how tight we are on space... and they laughed. It's a freaking ride on horse isn't it 🙃

@Sweetmotherofallthatisholyabov

Oh she will definitely know, her party, her cake, the decorations, it all pales into comparison in her mind to 'When it's my birthday I'll get my rollerskates" said with all the wide eyed wonder that only little people can manage!

I never understand people who say a 4 year old wouldn't notice

I've taught plenty of 4 year olds and trust me the vast majority would indeed remember. That doesn't mean surprises won't also be enjoyed but they absolutely would notice if something they had coveted wasn't there.

I do agree with other though when a relative does this it is absolutely always a gift they think the child will prefer because they know better or a toy that they think the child should be playing with. Which is just stupidly ignorant as why wouldn't the child's actual parent know what their one child would like.

I bloody hope for your sake OP that the gift isn't some monstrosity but don't forget no matter the size it is something you can easily solve by listing it on fb market place.

urgh, sorry @Panicbuyingmum , I hate when people spring large toys on parents without consulting them first. Or ask what they’d like then ignore it. It’s just a power play, because they know the parents can’t take it off their delighted child.

My mother had a very strict thing about presents, I used to receive a LOT from relatives and schoolmates, my mother had me choose my favourites and the rest we re-wrapped and donated to a local domestic violence shelter where children arrived with nothing, made very grateful for what I did have in life.

(Before anyone says my mother was mean , she tried a no present rule but this was roundly ignored, so her workaround was to donate the surplus. I gained pleasure from making other children happy)

My DSis asked my DD what she’d like for her birthday (mid teens). She asked for a Nomination charm as she wears her bracelet constantly. DSis calls up on her birthday with a bangle because ‘it was better value’. My DD was so disappointed and has told me she feels really guilty because she knows she won’t wear the other bangle. It wasn’t a cost issue - my DSis is very generous but likes to give ‘big’ presents and I think felt like a charm looked too small but my DD knows how much they cost and would have loved it. I agree - don’t ask if you don’t intend to actually buy what the person asks for.

I think it’s a mean thing to do. It’s not as if you demanded a present, they wanted to get one, it just seems like they’re not interested in what she wants.

Yanbu in principle

but yes from now on, make sure anything really essential you buy yourself.

only give out ideas of non essential things

Oh you're so fucked OP...

Not at all placemarking just to see what it is.

This.@This will save wear and tear on your head, until the eldest DC is 16. Quite right at @Ohheythereitsme

When it something big it really needs to be discussed with you her parents. You after all have to store the dam thing.

If it's something like one of those battery powered car's how much use would she get out of it?