To want people to buy what they promised?

[Panicbuyingmum]

Trying to work out if I'm BU, I can be a bit BEC sometimes!

DD is 4 tomorrow, since she was born we've had a relatively strict policy of only buying toys etc. for her birthday or Christmas. If she sees something in a shop/advert we say she can add it to her 'list' (not a physical list anywhere). This is the first time that she's really started to get into this and there are 3/4 things that have been on her 'list' for a long time and that she really wants.

As her birthday has gotten closer she will often talk about how excited she is to get these things, they're only little bits and pieces but she's waited so patiently for them.

Now on to the issue! We were at a wedding about 3 weeks ago with all of DHs family, we don't see them as often as my side (their choice not ours!) and DH would really like for them to foster a better relationship with DD. MIL asked me if DD had anything specific that she wanted for her birthday as she would rather buy her something she really wants than guess. SILs and BILs agreed on this too.

My thought - fantastic! I'll let PILs be the heroes of the hour with the much longed for presents and we'll get her some things we know she'd like. Went through 3 different things with them, showed them the stuff online (and the prices) then sent them the links. ILs said that all looked great, they would sort that and reiterated that they wanted to get her something she'd really like.

Fast forward to last night and on the phone MIL casually mentions they've all clubbed together to buy DD a 'big present' all together. I said (as casually as I could!) oh what about the things on her wishlist, and was told that they decided not to because they saw this instead and it's 'much better'.

Now I'm sure this is probably true, none-the-less, it's not what we agreed and what she's looking forward to. Now I've had to panic buy the bits she wanted and I've got to make a dash to 2 click and collects this afternoon to grab it as Prime wouldn't get them here in time.

I'm pretty miffed about this, DH took more of a 'she wouldn't even notice if she didn't get what she'd asked for' stance and that she should be grateful for anything. I, on the other hand, am thinking that if we're going to take a hard line stance of not buying stuff 24/7 then we should deliver on our promises to get her what she wants. Obviously as she gets older we'll need to add some boundaries to this (no xbox, ps5 AND switch thank you!) but we're still in the rollerskates and barbies stage.

My money is on a garden toy, swing, slide, trampoline... something BIG. 😣Then I'll get myself in trouble because I'll say how lovely, they can put it in their garden for when DD comes to play! 😆

YANBU. I'd be annoyed at this. I have no expectation that anybody should buy my son something, but if there is something I know he wants and somebody else confirms they're buying it, I'd not want my son to be disappointed on his birthday, especially when asking for so few things. 3-4 items is not a child writing a big long list of demands, but obviously some items that she'd very much like.

I'd be thankful they told you before the day so that she wasn't disappointed on her birthday, but it's a bit crap for them to not go along with what they had said.

Ah good idea op! It probably is a tricycle come to think of it, or possibly a massive paddling pool…..

Without a doubt, she's an OC and they didn't cover these issues in the baby books 😆It never occured to me after talking about it, agreeing to it and sending all the details that they would change their minds and not let me know!

I even said if they had any difficulties ordering it etc to let me know so I could help/ or get the bits myself!

Can I put a fiver on a sand pit/table thing.

But there will be no sand. No little toys like the rakes and moulds to make mini sand castles.

Then you will have to spend out akd source it all just to be able to use it.

She isn't saying she isn't grateful. The child is 4. She's doesn't get bought toys outside of special occasions. She's obviously a very patient girl who has 3-4 special items on her list. If somebody absolutely assured me they were getting those, to then let my child down, I'd be a bit annoyed, too. It doesn't mean I wouldn't be grateful for the gift that they did buy, but breaking commitments where children are concerned is not okay in my eyes.

Christmases and birthdays are only magical for a certain number of years. The in-laws could have caused upset, here.

I have this issue with ex MIL and ex DP with our children - I will give them lots of ideas of things they want, send photos of said items and then they buy them completely different - and even worse, bring them home with them to mine. All ends up as clutter!! And I end up then having to buy the things they actually asked for on top of what I’d already bought.

Best one yet was DS getting a massive full drum kit!!!!! It was one of the electronic ones so silent when using headphones but blimey - painful to find a home for it. DS had never asked for or expressed any desire for a drum kit!!

Yanbu.
My family and inlaws always ask what to get and I do what you did, send them a link etc and they always stick to it.

I would also be frustrated. I have inlaws who do exactly this. Like me I'm sure you don't actually care if they are buying her something but why do these people insist on doing the whole panto performance of asking what to buy, agreeing and then buying something else entirely.

What's the bloody point of fucking asking.

Look on the bright side - the stuff you’d brought her as an extra can be kept for Christmas. You’ve already started your Christmas shopping!

YANBU, but you will know better next time! if DS really wants something I get it myself or farm it out to one of a few trusted people who have form for buying exactly what I ask them to.

For the rest of the list I manage his expectations (I have let our family know about your list so you might get some things from it but you might not).

You know if it's big then they'll have delivered directly to your house. Enjoy !.

It could be worse @Panicbuyingmum . They could have bought her a recorder
>que music of doom<
Joking apart, yes it would piss me off too

That's the thing, we really don't mind, we could have bought her what she wanted, they're not high value things that we needed ILs to pay for. And she/ we will be grateful (at least outwardly when its a 12ft paddling pool) for whatever they get. But why the great big faff about buying her something from her list!

Or when they were planning it out - why not drop me a text to let me know??

It's ok, we have a transit van, a moving dolly and a spare key 😂

You're a genius!

Could it be a bike? That would be a brilliant present for a kid her age, moving away from stabilizers.

There were two things to this- you said they weren’t kind of big presents-maybe your in laws thought you were trying to save them money? Also, sometimes you just suddenly decide on a present, they may have seen it and got excited. I wouldn’t read too much into it. Hope you all have a lovely day!!!

It could well be, but my mum's bought her a bike... it'll be Nanna handbags at dawn over the peppa pig cake!

@Panicbuyingmum you need to say in advance ‘if you’ve got her a bike you will have to take it back as that’s one of her other surprises’ - like you say, it’s not about what it is or what it’s worth.

This.
My ILs bought DD a play shopping trolley when she was tiny, and we had to buy the play food/products for her to 'shop'🙄

My parents bought mine a giant football table that took up half my lounge. It was hard to be grateful tbh, although the kids loved it!
Hopefully you'll get away with a bike or dollhouse 🙂

As others have said, you secure what you know dd will want and tell anyone who asks something she will like so if it’s not got it’s not a big deal. I do this with all my DDs, birthdays and Christmas, I never rely on others to get exactly what I’ve asked for (I only ever give specific items if asked). MIL learnt her lesson one year when she didn’t ask and turned up with the exact same thing we’d already given DD. DD was already playing with ours, apparently mil had no idea where she bought it or a receipt so I put it on fb marketplace and got dd something she still plays with 3years later. To be fair MIL is usually pretty good and that was just one year. My family don’t even bother getting my DDs anything so I’m not going to complain about DHs family as they at least do bother.

I can assure you a four year old will literally forget the entire year, much less a single gift.

Yes really daft if them to get something big without checking with the parents, so much can go wrong 🤦‍♀️