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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want people to buy what they promised?

252 replies

Panicbuyingmum · 25/07/2022 13:52

Trying to work out if I'm BU, I can be a bit BEC sometimes!

DD is 4 tomorrow, since she was born we've had a relatively strict policy of only buying toys etc. for her birthday or Christmas. If she sees something in a shop/advert we say she can add it to her 'list' (not a physical list anywhere). This is the first time that she's really started to get into this and there are 3/4 things that have been on her 'list' for a long time and that she really wants.

As her birthday has gotten closer she will often talk about how excited she is to get these things, they're only little bits and pieces but she's waited so patiently for them.

Now on to the issue! We were at a wedding about 3 weeks ago with all of DHs family, we don't see them as often as my side (their choice not ours!) and DH would really like for them to foster a better relationship with DD. MIL asked me if DD had anything specific that she wanted for her birthday as she would rather buy her something she really wants than guess. SILs and BILs agreed on this too.

My thought - fantastic! I'll let PILs be the heroes of the hour with the much longed for presents and we'll get her some things we know she'd like. Went through 3 different things with them, showed them the stuff online (and the prices) then sent them the links. ILs said that all looked great, they would sort that and reiterated that they wanted to get her something she'd really like.

Fast forward to last night and on the phone MIL casually mentions they've all clubbed together to buy DD a 'big present' all together. I said (as casually as I could!) oh what about the things on her wishlist, and was told that they decided not to because they saw this instead and it's 'much better'.

Now I'm sure this is probably true, none-the-less, it's not what we agreed and what she's looking forward to. Now I've had to panic buy the bits she wanted and I've got to make a dash to 2 click and collects this afternoon to grab it as Prime wouldn't get them here in time.

I'm pretty miffed about this, DH took more of a 'she wouldn't even notice if she didn't get what she'd asked for' stance and that she should be grateful for anything. I, on the other hand, am thinking that if we're going to take a hard line stance of not buying stuff 24/7 then we should deliver on our promises to get her what she wants. Obviously as she gets older we'll need to add some boundaries to this (no xbox, ps5 AND switch thank you!) but we're still in the rollerskates and barbies stage.

OP posts:
LemonSunchines · 27/07/2022 20:46

You'd better get used to this OP. I had endless 'brilliant' unwanted toys for my dc & then you have to find places for them -like the giant over-sized teddy bear/two kiddie kitchens etc

Coffeeenema · 27/07/2022 20:49

ILikeHotWaterBottles · 25/07/2022 14:16

People can be right twats about presents. If you get given a list or an option when you ASK WHAT THE PERSON WANTS, bloody well buy it you knob head! If you don't actually give a damn and are going to buy whatever you think they want, then don't bother asking and waste your money on the crap.

I bet MIL/FIL/others will be annoyed tomorrow when dd probably isn't bothered by what they've bought and instead plays with the stuff she actually wanted. Will serve them right.

Wow you sound delightful....

SurvingDaybyDay · 27/07/2022 21:00

FairytaleOfLancashire · 26/07/2022 19:01

'I tried to gently interject to ask MIL if she's also got the furniture sets tucked away somewhere, blank looks across the board. "
🤦🏽‍♀️
Fuck me.
I'd say YOU were the CF, not sylvanian families.
If YOUR mum had bought this would you have been so disgustingly rude to her, or is it just coz it's MIL?
I hope your DD grows up with a better attitude.

Show quote history

For reference, the ILs NEVER told her what the big present was. They refused bc they wanted it be just as big a surprise for them as for the DD. There was literally no opportunity for her to also buy accessories for the house since she was literally not aware that it was a doll house. She's not clairvoyant, she can't read minds. The house came empty. Even if she hadn't asked about the furniture, the response from DD would have been the same bc the house was barely furnished and they would have found that out eventually. And on top of that the ILs are kinda uptight about secondhand stuff as she said in the update, so is she just expected to now shell out almost 100 pounds on all the accessories and dolls meant to fill this thing? It's not about the fact it's the ILs, which she had already mentioned before she really wants DD to have a good relationship with them, but the fact that they promised to oversee a responsibility that OP would have happily taken care of herself, and then flashed bc they decided they'd bought something 'much better'

SurvingDaybyDay · 27/07/2022 21:04

PMAmostofthetime · 26/07/2022 19:50

@Panicbuyingmum YANBU. Lesson learnt though and never ask them for anything other than money in her card again. Just be grateful they actually told you before DD birthday.

Except they didn't really. They saved the info on exactly what the 'big present' was until she was opening it. Not even OP knew. So this was just kind of a car crash that only ILs are responsible for.

RB68 · 27/07/2022 21:05

I have taught my daughter the same way - she is 17 this year (in two weeks) she had concert tickets from us and will get a few more small bits that are fun rather than anything else as we will also do driving lessons which aint gonna be cheap. But I used to get upset when asked for ideas for her - distributed said ideas to various rellies then she got none of it. I think I was more upset than her as I had to rack my brains and give away all my ideas leaving me really scrapping for what to get her then the buggers didn't deliver. Either do or don't but please don't then arbitrarily decide its not necessary/appropriate or get something you like just because.

Nannytimes4 · 27/07/2022 21:15

The best thing you can do for your daughter is to show interest and enthusiasm for the gift, the last thing a four year old needs to learn is to be ungrateful. It was purchased with love and thought surely that counts for something, what a lucky girl your daughter is to have loving grandparents. Surely she has some tiny animals that would fit in it …. with a small amount of imagination you could bring the house to life and she will treasure it.
Send your in-laws a photo of her playing with it tomorrow …. you will make their day.

Original poster
Panicbuyingmum · 27/07/2022 21:22

Tallulah28 · 27/07/2022 20:32

I do feel you’re being unreasonable in this instance. I appreciate that your in laws initially said they’d buy the gifts you directed them towards but I think that’s quite controlling of you. Extended family should be free to choose their own gifts, ones that have meaning for them and one that might foster new interests and hobbies in a child.
I have never yet met a child who has been upset to receive a gift that they hadn’t already specifically chosen. Particularly one as young as yours. My four year old frequently adds things to his metaphorical list throughout the year… and usually forgets about them or has moved on by the time a birthday or Christmas comes around.

I feel there are larger things at play here, perhaps some resentment towards your in laws.

I would be quite insulted if a family member tried to tell me what to buy their child.

But I never told them "this is what you must buy DD for her birthday -nothing else is acceptable"

If you look at the original post, they ASKED for her birthday list, they insisted they wanted to buy those things so that it was "what she really wanted", they knew that we therefore were not going to be buying them and I even said to let me know if they couldn't get them or changed their mind! I'm not sure how in any of that I was being controlling, I was doing what they had asked me to do!

OP posts:
neilyoungismyhero · 27/07/2022 21:23

But the family members asked the OP for suggestions, she gave them what they asked for and they chose to move the goal posts.......

BettyBoops · 27/07/2022 21:35

I feel your pain with the sylvanian families OP! Last year I bought my DD a sylvanian family car (in hopes of reliving my childhood love!) we were both bitterly disappointed upon opening it to find the family pictured on the box did not come with the car, so a mad dash search on marketplace to find someone local selling a bundle of sf figures!
Bluey is irritating too, you can't collect all the characters without ending up with numerous Blueys/Bingo's - unfortunately both DC love Bluey and DD has a shed load of it on her birthday list 😬

Touchmybum · 27/07/2022 21:44

Don't sweat the small stuff - this is not worth a whole family incident!

MIL always bought crap presents for our kids, as did my sister. We just sucked it up, smiled sweetly and stored it for the local school sale or charity shop.

For the sake of peace, learn to work around it. My parents liked to choose the gifts they bought our kids but because they knew them so much better, they were always able to get it right.

It's really not worth getting worked up about, and who knows, your DD might enjoy their gift?

ImAvingOops · 27/07/2022 22:06

My sister loved making furniture for her dolls house when she was little - enjoyed it far more than having the proper furniture bought for her. This could be something she could really enjoy being creative with.

WombatChocolate · 27/07/2022 22:07

This kind of thing happens a lot. You just have to accept it and understand that you can never rely on someone else buying a specific present.

Why does it happen? A variety of reasons. Sometimes people forget what was asked for or what they said - even if they were sent links. Sometimes they decide it’s too expensive, quite often they’ve already bought something in the sales, sometimes they genuinely see something they like better and get that. Some people don’t like being asked for a particular thing and especially links to websites being sent etc….even if they make positive noises ….they believe strongly in gift giver choosing. In this case, some people might have been a bit disorganised and so one person took it upon themselves to organise something as a group.

I agree that children shouldn’t get too attached to their lists or the idea that they will get everything on it. Your DD will only have a strong sense she will be getting these particular items if you’ve led her in that direction - in future you know not to do that with birthdays and Christmas.

Personally I think it’s a bit of a mistake to say items such as toys only appear twice a year on birthday and Christmas. The risk is that doing this makes these 2 occasions become just too important and all about the stuff that they are getting. It matters far too much. Children who get less at Christmas and birthdays instead of the massive piles you see on Facebook sometimes, often enjoy it just as much and more. It’s not just about the stuff but family time. Children who enjoy getting some things but haven’t spent 6 months building up and thinking bout a particular list, are more able to be pleased with whatever they get. And likewise, parents who aren’t so focused in the list can hold lightly to the idea of specific toys for their child. To be honest, it sounds like YOU would have been more disappointed about those items not appearing than your DD would. I really wouldn’t have rushed out to buy them to ensure she got them, or certinaly not all 3 items. There is a learning lesson here too - you don’t always get everything you want. And that’s something parents need to not focus heavily on and build the disappointment, but gloss over and move on from quickly, precisely so it isn’t a big disappointment.

Unless mo year is preventing it, how about a bit less at the birthday and another couple of chances through the year to have something nice, so the focus on birthday and Christmas and lists doesn’t have to be so much….the scope for let down and disappointment in those occasions is then reduced.

I can see why you were a bit irked. Perhaps your own determined focus on the specific items irritated your relatives a bit - showing websites and pictures etc. The fact you’ve now queried why they didn’t get the specific items might make them feel it even more. Ultimately, it is always the gift givers choice what to give. Sometimes you get items you don’t really want, but the right thing is to accept them and thank enthusiastically. Honestly it’s the right thing and the right thing to teach your child. And you and they will be able to do this more, when specific items aren’t so important to you. Have a think about what they were so important to you, and what can be done to make this not quite so much.

The thing I’ve noticed is that families and children who have things through the year and particularly those with plenty,often do t have so much for birthday snd cHristmas. Well they don’t need it. And they’re often less bothered by big piles and expensive gifts for birthday and Christmas….nothing to prove. Less well off families often seem to use birthday and cHristmas as a way to prove something and huge piles of stuff and expensive stuff take on importance. I do t know if this is a factor here. But know your DD will know you love her and that love isn’t measured in gifts if you don’t deliver this message to her.

I hope she has a lovely day and loves her gifts but the whole day and everything else about it all the more. And I hope you don’t feel the need to track exactly what she’s got or not got as some kind of success/failure. She will be with people who love her and clearly she’s going to have some lovely items. That’s a great birthday.

Mustbeoriginal38 · 27/07/2022 22:25

My mil did this years ago. Eldest really wanted a specific piece relating to a current interest. He'd mentioned it in granny's earshot and she insisted she'd buy it. This was fine as he had a few other bits he wanted but had mentioned this one and Granny didn't know what to buy for his Christmas- sorted. Until the 23 December when dh was talking to her and confirming our Boxing Day visit and mentioned how excited ds still was about getting this one gift. "Oh!" She says. "Em... I saw something else we thought he'd like so got that".

Thankfully we could get the much sought after piece.

The gift from Granny - huge let down. Related to nothing he liked and he didn't look twice at it. Granny was disappointed when dh let slip he'd not looked at the gift since Boxing Day as it wasn't something he liked. He had obviously had brave pills that day as he followed up with "you had the chance to get him something he wanted!" Usually he avoids conflict and tells his mum what she wants to hear.

Lesson well and truly learned. Whilst I am of the opinion that if you say you'll buy it - you should. I realise that sometimes people can't be trusted to buy what they say so we give general pointers (esp to MIL) and we buy the "heart set on" items.

Touchmybum · 27/07/2022 22:36

WombatChocolate · 27/07/2022 22:07

This kind of thing happens a lot. You just have to accept it and understand that you can never rely on someone else buying a specific present.

Why does it happen? A variety of reasons. Sometimes people forget what was asked for or what they said - even if they were sent links. Sometimes they decide it’s too expensive, quite often they’ve already bought something in the sales, sometimes they genuinely see something they like better and get that. Some people don’t like being asked for a particular thing and especially links to websites being sent etc….even if they make positive noises ….they believe strongly in gift giver choosing. In this case, some people might have been a bit disorganised and so one person took it upon themselves to organise something as a group.

I agree that children shouldn’t get too attached to their lists or the idea that they will get everything on it. Your DD will only have a strong sense she will be getting these particular items if you’ve led her in that direction - in future you know not to do that with birthdays and Christmas.

Personally I think it’s a bit of a mistake to say items such as toys only appear twice a year on birthday and Christmas. The risk is that doing this makes these 2 occasions become just too important and all about the stuff that they are getting. It matters far too much. Children who get less at Christmas and birthdays instead of the massive piles you see on Facebook sometimes, often enjoy it just as much and more. It’s not just about the stuff but family time. Children who enjoy getting some things but haven’t spent 6 months building up and thinking bout a particular list, are more able to be pleased with whatever they get. And likewise, parents who aren’t so focused in the list can hold lightly to the idea of specific toys for their child. To be honest, it sounds like YOU would have been more disappointed about those items not appearing than your DD would. I really wouldn’t have rushed out to buy them to ensure she got them, or certinaly not all 3 items. There is a learning lesson here too - you don’t always get everything you want. And that’s something parents need to not focus heavily on and build the disappointment, but gloss over and move on from quickly, precisely so it isn’t a big disappointment.

Unless mo year is preventing it, how about a bit less at the birthday and another couple of chances through the year to have something nice, so the focus on birthday and Christmas and lists doesn’t have to be so much….the scope for let down and disappointment in those occasions is then reduced.

I can see why you were a bit irked. Perhaps your own determined focus on the specific items irritated your relatives a bit - showing websites and pictures etc. The fact you’ve now queried why they didn’t get the specific items might make them feel it even more. Ultimately, it is always the gift givers choice what to give. Sometimes you get items you don’t really want, but the right thing is to accept them and thank enthusiastically. Honestly it’s the right thing and the right thing to teach your child. And you and they will be able to do this more, when specific items aren’t so important to you. Have a think about what they were so important to you, and what can be done to make this not quite so much.

The thing I’ve noticed is that families and children who have things through the year and particularly those with plenty,often do t have so much for birthday snd cHristmas. Well they don’t need it. And they’re often less bothered by big piles and expensive gifts for birthday and Christmas….nothing to prove. Less well off families often seem to use birthday and cHristmas as a way to prove something and huge piles of stuff and expensive stuff take on importance. I do t know if this is a factor here. But know your DD will know you love her and that love isn’t measured in gifts if you don’t deliver this message to her.

I hope she has a lovely day and loves her gifts but the whole day and everything else about it all the more. And I hope you don’t feel the need to track exactly what she’s got or not got as some kind of success/failure. She will be with people who love her and clearly she’s going to have some lovely items. That’s a great birthday.

^ this!

It's a lesson on managing expectations. Mine got the (dear departed!) Argos catalogue and toyshop catalogue. They could make a list on the understanding that Santa would choose some gifts from it, but not all. There were never any disappointments that way! They were also told that Santa had to be paid, so no unreasonable demands! It worked very well.

Dashboardconfessional2 · 27/07/2022 23:01

WombatChocolate · 27/07/2022 22:07

This kind of thing happens a lot. You just have to accept it and understand that you can never rely on someone else buying a specific present.

Why does it happen? A variety of reasons. Sometimes people forget what was asked for or what they said - even if they were sent links. Sometimes they decide it’s too expensive, quite often they’ve already bought something in the sales, sometimes they genuinely see something they like better and get that. Some people don’t like being asked for a particular thing and especially links to websites being sent etc….even if they make positive noises ….they believe strongly in gift giver choosing. In this case, some people might have been a bit disorganised and so one person took it upon themselves to organise something as a group.

I agree that children shouldn’t get too attached to their lists or the idea that they will get everything on it. Your DD will only have a strong sense she will be getting these particular items if you’ve led her in that direction - in future you know not to do that with birthdays and Christmas.

Personally I think it’s a bit of a mistake to say items such as toys only appear twice a year on birthday and Christmas. The risk is that doing this makes these 2 occasions become just too important and all about the stuff that they are getting. It matters far too much. Children who get less at Christmas and birthdays instead of the massive piles you see on Facebook sometimes, often enjoy it just as much and more. It’s not just about the stuff but family time. Children who enjoy getting some things but haven’t spent 6 months building up and thinking bout a particular list, are more able to be pleased with whatever they get. And likewise, parents who aren’t so focused in the list can hold lightly to the idea of specific toys for their child. To be honest, it sounds like YOU would have been more disappointed about those items not appearing than your DD would. I really wouldn’t have rushed out to buy them to ensure she got them, or certinaly not all 3 items. There is a learning lesson here too - you don’t always get everything you want. And that’s something parents need to not focus heavily on and build the disappointment, but gloss over and move on from quickly, precisely so it isn’t a big disappointment.

Unless mo year is preventing it, how about a bit less at the birthday and another couple of chances through the year to have something nice, so the focus on birthday and Christmas and lists doesn’t have to be so much….the scope for let down and disappointment in those occasions is then reduced.

I can see why you were a bit irked. Perhaps your own determined focus on the specific items irritated your relatives a bit - showing websites and pictures etc. The fact you’ve now queried why they didn’t get the specific items might make them feel it even more. Ultimately, it is always the gift givers choice what to give. Sometimes you get items you don’t really want, but the right thing is to accept them and thank enthusiastically. Honestly it’s the right thing and the right thing to teach your child. And you and they will be able to do this more, when specific items aren’t so important to you. Have a think about what they were so important to you, and what can be done to make this not quite so much.

The thing I’ve noticed is that families and children who have things through the year and particularly those with plenty,often do t have so much for birthday snd cHristmas. Well they don’t need it. And they’re often less bothered by big piles and expensive gifts for birthday and Christmas….nothing to prove. Less well off families often seem to use birthday and cHristmas as a way to prove something and huge piles of stuff and expensive stuff take on importance. I do t know if this is a factor here. But know your DD will know you love her and that love isn’t measured in gifts if you don’t deliver this message to her.

I hope she has a lovely day and loves her gifts but the whole day and everything else about it all the more. And I hope you don’t feel the need to track exactly what she’s got or not got as some kind of success/failure. She will be with people who love her and clearly she’s going to have some lovely items. That’s a great birthday.

Cor. This was a boring preachy essay.

Roseheart · 27/07/2022 23:46

Ahh present buying - you are not alone in this! Many parent will tell you, obviously you want to save to get your child a big present that they want for their special occasion. However the irony is they most probably prefer the box or wrapping paper it came in. Lol! No you have to decide is it the actual present you expect your family to get for your little one or the value of it, because they may have clubbed together to get your child an even bigger present that cost more. However, if your child wanted a toy house but got a telescope instead for instance then I could see how disappointing this would be. 💜

Somethingneedstochange · 28/07/2022 10:53

Uh my brother and sister in law did something similar. I got my daughter a Chamilia bracelet for her 16th. Like pandora but from h Samuels. So that family members could buy her some charms for it.

They chose to buy 3 but not the Chamilia charms. Some cheap tacky ones from America because they could get more. Then she says how come you've not got the charms on we got you? Probably because they don't match the rest she's got. They don't even come out the box.

Nannytimes4 · 28/07/2022 11:29

There seem to be a lot of ungrateful people on here …. the giver can give whatever they choose, the right thing to do is to accept with thanks and a smile. So what if it’s not exactly the thing you wanted, the giver bothered to take the time to select a gift and then bought it with their hard earned cash.
I just don’t get this thing about having to let them know how much you don’t like it, I especially note how often comments are directed at mother in laws / in laws. Don’t forget you too will be a mother in law one day, I’d start praying if I were you that you don’t get a daughter in law who is exactly like yourself …what goes around comes around!

Threelittlelambs · 28/07/2022 11:31

So what if it’s not exactly the thing you wanted, the giver bothered to take the time to select a gift and then bought it with their hard earned cash

Hi 4 year old what do you want for your birthday … I’d like a dolly please … oh well here’s a football and remember to say thank you!!

Doesn’t work on 4 year olds - the point is why ask if you have no intention of getting what they’ve asked for?

XelaM · 28/07/2022 11:36

Yes, my ex-laws are exactly the same, which is why my daughter always hates everything they get her (it's completely random stuff she would never wear/need) and she always loves my family's gifts (off the "list")

Caspianberg · 28/07/2022 12:28

It’s different if you just buy someone a gift.

But if you go to the energy of asking what to get, get told something, then buy something completely different, then yes your probably have just wasted your hard earned cash.

AllyCatTown · 28/07/2022 14:45

So what if it’s not exactly the thing you wanted, the giver bothered to take the time to select a gift and then bought it with their hard earned cash.
I just don’t get this thing about having to let them know how much you don’t like it

Maybe because you don’t want them wasting their hard earned cash? I’d hate to be wasting money on gifts that were not wanted. Although in this case it’s specifically talking about when they ask you what the child wants, you tell them, they say they’ll buy it and then buy something else.

Aria999 · 28/07/2022 14:54

@Nannytimes4 you are missing the point.

Gift ideas for things that your kid actually wants are a limited commodity.

If someone asks for one and you give them one, they should either use it or give it back in good time so that someone else can have it.

You don't reserve something on a wedding list and then go get something totally different without telling anyone.

WiddlinDiddlin · 28/07/2022 16:09

Tallulah28 · 27/07/2022 20:32

I do feel you’re being unreasonable in this instance. I appreciate that your in laws initially said they’d buy the gifts you directed them towards but I think that’s quite controlling of you. Extended family should be free to choose their own gifts, ones that have meaning for them and one that might foster new interests and hobbies in a child.
I have never yet met a child who has been upset to receive a gift that they hadn’t already specifically chosen. Particularly one as young as yours. My four year old frequently adds things to his metaphorical list throughout the year… and usually forgets about them or has moved on by the time a birthday or Christmas comes around.

I feel there are larger things at play here, perhaps some resentment towards your in laws.

I would be quite insulted if a family member tried to tell me what to buy their child.

How is it controlling when:

"MIL asked me if DD had anything specific that she wanted for her birthday as she would rather buy her something she really wants than guess. SILs and BILs agreed on this too."

Please explain.

TolkiensFallow · 28/07/2022 17:47

Ive learned never to trust in laws!

Mine always insist on buying DD clothes which is fine as she gets plenty of toys … they’re always odd clothes, very formal and “old fashioned Sunday best” or super scratchy knitwear but expensive and good quality… BUT I always explain that she is in 3 sizes bigger than her age and yet they always buy her a size smaller than her age. They expect A LOT of gushing and gratitude for clothes that will not fit. everyone ends up disappointed but politely thanking each other …