To want people to buy what they promised?

[Panicbuyingmum]

Trying to work out if I'm BU, I can be a bit BEC sometimes!

DD is 4 tomorrow, since she was born we've had a relatively strict policy of only buying toys etc. for her birthday or Christmas. If she sees something in a shop/advert we say she can add it to her 'list' (not a physical list anywhere). This is the first time that she's really started to get into this and there are 3/4 things that have been on her 'list' for a long time and that she really wants.

As her birthday has gotten closer she will often talk about how excited she is to get these things, they're only little bits and pieces but she's waited so patiently for them.

Now on to the issue! We were at a wedding about 3 weeks ago with all of DHs family, we don't see them as often as my side (their choice not ours!) and DH would really like for them to foster a better relationship with DD. MIL asked me if DD had anything specific that she wanted for her birthday as she would rather buy her something she really wants than guess. SILs and BILs agreed on this too.

My thought - fantastic! I'll let PILs be the heroes of the hour with the much longed for presents and we'll get her some things we know she'd like. Went through 3 different things with them, showed them the stuff online (and the prices) then sent them the links. ILs said that all looked great, they would sort that and reiterated that they wanted to get her something she'd really like.

Fast forward to last night and on the phone MIL casually mentions they've all clubbed together to buy DD a 'big present' all together. I said (as casually as I could!) oh what about the things on her wishlist, and was told that they decided not to because they saw this instead and it's 'much better'.

Now I'm sure this is probably true, none-the-less, it's not what we agreed and what she's looking forward to. Now I've had to panic buy the bits she wanted and I've got to make a dash to 2 click and collects this afternoon to grab it as Prime wouldn't get them here in time.

I'm pretty miffed about this, DH took more of a 'she wouldn't even notice if she didn't get what she'd asked for' stance and that she should be grateful for anything. I, on the other hand, am thinking that if we're going to take a hard line stance of not buying stuff 24/7 then we should deliver on our promises to get her what she wants. Obviously as she gets older we'll need to add some boundaries to this (no xbox, ps5 AND switch thank you!) but we're still in the rollerskates and barbies stage.

Well I agree with your mum! The odd gift just because IS really exciting. I was simply saying that rather than fill the house every weekend 🙄 or only xmas and birthday.

I was posting this to help, simply as I started off with strict no gift shops/no toy of the moment/bubbles when we saw them etc and realised it wasnt actually serving any of us well. Its benefitted us all to loosen up.

(We do the "take a photo" thing too. )

Hope your DD is having a lovely day time and enjoying her gifts @Panicbuyingmum
Is your ILs gift better or worse than expected?

I know this is bad but in my head I'm imagining them turning up with a pair of St Bernards.

I'm thinking rocking horse or electric car are both good bets.

Ok...my position for thinking you ABU is that no 4 yr. old should be "promised" any present in advance...this is a recipe for disaster, IMO. This trains the child to have very explicit expectations of the parents and does not teach them how to be resilient in the face of adversity...which will inevitably come. Also, "gift giving" is just that...a gift...and while I agree that the best gifts are one we really want...we cannot control other people. Gift giving is an emotional thing, too. So, expecting your in-laws to conform to YOUR approach to YOUR child is also setting you up to be disappointed. You give the gifts the way you choose and let them do the same...this approach in all areas of family relations will save you a ton of headaches down the road. You really must pick your battles when it comes to in-law relationships, so make it count. Your four yr old will very likely not remember what they get for this birthday, but they are likely to remember how you and your in-laws treat each other.😘

I think you need to loosen up

Electric car I think too. Maybe an electric shooter if they are insane, hover board or one of those sit down go kart things I see all kids riding these days

What was it?

YANBU to expect people to do as they have previously said. YANBU to want to give your daughter presents that she'd like on her birthday. YANBU to want to see that joy in your child's eyes when they get something they really really wanted.

Anyone saying you are being unreasonable are ridiculous. You're not doing your child a disservice by giving her presents she wants for her birthday. You don't need to teach your 4 year old lessons about disappointment and gratitude to make a point on her birthday. She will naturally learn these feelings in life without parents setting them up. So bizarre.

Now.. I know it's her birthday and you are probably busy but WHAT DID THEY BUY?! 😂I've been patient enough now...

Off topic a little but not sure why you’re saying ‘no thank you’ to the ps5, switch etc - people villainise technology far too easily

I didn't read it as that but rather that the child didn't need all of them, or certainly not at once!

Don't keep us in suspenders @Panicbuyingmum what was it?!

My MIL does this sort of thing… we’ll worse actually, she promises to get specific things then just doesn’t get anything
for our DS first bday, her only grandchild, we asked if she’d like to buy one or two gifts from the list we had (prices ranged from £6-£65 so something for any budget - even though she’s well off)
fast forward to his bday… no card, no present
instead she tells us on the phone that she has some things for him… turns out she had a bag of variety shop clothes that were basically already too small for him - and we didn’t have space for.
just buy the ducking presents for the list or send money!!!
YANBU

My mother has an even more annoying habit...asks for specific gifts, then buys a cheap knock off version. Every time. The very drunken squished looking Paw Patrol tower set was a personal favourite.

Also, "gift giving" is just that...a gift...and while I agree that the best gifts are one we really want...we cannot control other people. Gift giving is an emotional thing, too. So, expecting your in-laws to conform to YOUR approach to YOUR child is also setting you up to be disappointed. You give the gifts the way you choose and let them do the same...

Are people deliberately not reading the thread. The OP isn't making them do or conform to anything. The relatives asked what to get so the OP gave them ideas she knew her child would like as they had specifically requested them and they said yep we will get them and then they decided to get something else entirely and not even tell the OP they were no longer getting those gifts.

It's not a hard concept to see why the OP would be frustrated.

I got a space hopper when I was 4 was happy with that. Until it went missing then it turned up in our yard popped. Some little shits had they're fun with it.

waiting patiently for the big reveal

I totally understand what you’re saying.
My partners family are useless, they never have bothered with DP or DSC (I assume that’s code for dear stepchild), which I find strange as she lost her mum when she was 4.
If it wasn’t for DP driving an hour there and an back for their birthdays etc, we wouldn’t see his family at all. They don’t bother coming over for any of our birthdays etc
Anyway, when they ask for gift ideas, we swap lists. DP will get exactly what’s on the list for his DS hubby and children and his parents. But in return they will get the cheapest tackiest gifts, not even what’s on the list.
I find it infuriating and so does DP as they literally don’t give a damn.
last Christmas he told them not to bother.

I'm back!! Candles have been blown out, nasty fondant cake has been consumed, wrapping paper has covered all 4 corners of the house!

So it wasn't anything too physically 'big' but still a bit of drama, it was this Sylvanian families 3 storey house . I knew from the second she unwrapped it what was about to happen because I'd looked into getting her some sylvanians for this birthday.

Personally I think sylvanians are being CF, its £80 and the photo online and on the box shows the house full of characters and furniture. But the house is (basically) empty, it's £80 for an empty house. You want a fridge? Thats a £16 add on. Baby crib (baby not included), thats £11 please. TBF to ILs I don't think this is made clear enough, when I sussed it out I wrote Sylvanians off because I thought it was just terrible value.

So of course MIL is extolling the wonders of this house to DD, look at all the bits, isn't it lovely etc. etc. DD is thrilled, it's totally up her street, it was a little bit like watching a train slowly derail. I tried to gently interject to ask MIL if she's also got the furniture sets tucked away somewhere, blank looks across the board.

Of course when we opened it up they realised what they'd actually bought, crestfallen DD, fuming MIL. FIL choking on his tea looking at smyths online at the furniture prices. I felt really bad because I definitely didn't want to be rushing to offer to buy it all, DH suggested we get onto FB marketplace (we use this a lot for toys) but ILs are a bit funny about 'second hand'. BIL suggested they get her a new set each time they see her so she collects it all which I think is a lovely idea.

At least it wasn't a 4 seater electric jeep, ride on dinosaur or 6ft trampoline! But I think they'd rather have bought the 40 quids worth of 'tat' off her birthday list. It would have saved them a fortune! 😝

Well at least you can say to the IL’s that they can get accessories for it going forwards, and let that be “their” thing. Something your LO can associate with them, which is kind of nice!

happy birthday to the LO!

Ah I have such fond memories of my Sylvanian family house as a child, I used to get different bits for birthday and Christmas and save up my pocket money to buy the odd character. Its currently sat in my parents' loft for when DC are big enough so a long term item. Definitely better than a sit on jeep.

Oww I can just picture the scene, your poor DD. I can't believe they didn't check what came with it, if I remember rightly they are very clear at labelling the box with what is included.

Let's hope they buy her some bits as BIL suggested. It would be a shame to let it sit there unused, which let's be hinest it will be if there's nothing to actually play with.

Ugh god I miss my mum coming round with big gift bags of presents for my kids with a big smile on her face my kids loved the attention of receiving the visit and the gifts
that were just for them my daughter once received a mini bagpipe set was all the more special from someone who never did gifting but wanted to try 😩just for her

I got a similar Sylvanian house for my youngest. I picked it up second hand, along with a family and some furniture. Fraction of the price of new stuff 😉 Also Aldi/Lidl wooden furniture would fit too.

Happy birthday to your LO 🎉

Some people who have lost people close to them when they were young don't like to get to close to people. Because of the fear of the trauma they went through when they lost DM. It's just they're way of coping.

It’s quite common to have pictures on boxes with add ons featured. They really should have looked at details. It’s good though that it’s something she likes and she can get parts for it in the future.