Husband is being so cruel

[Confused7888]

Posting here for traffic and have name changed. I don’t have anyone to talk to about this in real life so I appreciate any help you can give me.

I married my husband a year ago (been together 6 years). I’m 34 and we have a mortgage but no kids.

we have had a few ups and downs in our relationship with him sometimes becoming a bit distant or making the occasional mean remark about my looks. Nothing too awful but there were a few red flags along the way but I still went ahead and married him as when we’re good we’re amazing together.

over the last 6 months our relationship has been utter hell though! He told me he wanted to divorce and he only loved me as a friend and had never found me attractive. A few weeks later he back tracked and said he didn’t mean anything he said and he was just sabotaging things as he’s depressed. We stayed together and things seemed to get back on track. 2 months later the same thing happened again. I made arrangements to move out for a while but the day before I was due to move he starts saying he’ll kill himself if I go and he doesn’t know why he keeps trying to sabotage things.
Another month passes by and we are back on track again and he is really trying every day to be a very loving partner. Suddenly out the blue he tells me yet again that he isn’t in love with me and he just wants to be friends as he doesn’t feel any spark or chemistry with me. The previous days he had been telling me how in love he was with me and how beautiful I am etc so as you can imagine my head was in bits with his confusing behaviour. I don’t think my mental health has ever been so low! Again I made plans to move out and he freaked out and begged me to stay and swore he would never treat me like that again and would sort his depression out once and for all.

well another month has passed by with us seemingly starting to sort our relationship out but on Friday he did it again for the 4th time! I was hysterically crying as he told me coldly that he doesn’t feel any spark with me and he can’t keep living a lie. I went to sleep and a few hours later he got in beside me and was cuddling me saying I’m the most important thing in his life and he never wants us to split up. The next morning I had barely slept and was feeling extremely low and confused with his hot and cold behaviour. He came downstairs crying saying how much he loves me. He’s now acting like nothing has happened and making out we’re happy together again but Im extremely tense just waiting for him to do it again.

I know I need to leave him but I feel at rock bottom and am struggling to even get out of bed let alone start being proactive in finding somewhere else to live. I feel close to having a complete mental breakdown over his behaviour towards me. it feels like complete mental torture and emotional abuse!!

sorry I don’t even know what I’m asking for help with on here but it’s just good to let it all out and see if anyone else has been through anything similar and come out the other side? Does anyone understand why someone might behave like this? Thanks for listening

It’s time to leave. He’s probably depressed as he knows he’s made a mistake in marrying. Let him go and get on with your own life before you end up depressed too. And please don’t fall pregnant with this man.

I’m so sorry OP, that sounds absolutely horrific ❤️❤️

Can you move out for a bit to stay with a friend or family member? You don’t even need to tell your OH where you’re going - of he asks, just say you need a break or some time on your own.

Also, would you find it helpful to get some counselling. It might help to have some counselling for you, and then perhaps for your DH too, or even couples counselling as well (although I realise your DH has to agree for counselling for himself/couples counselling).

Wishing you all the best 🌺

You need to get out. As for why he does it, it could be for all kinds of reasons but my guess is the control. It's sick and cruel and it's messing with your mental health. You deserve so much better.

I knew a couple where the husband did this about a year into their marriage. A friends mum and step father. She persuaded him to stay but…Long story short, he had an affair which lasted over two years. The wife eventually found out and she threw him out “for good” but ended up taking him back when he said he had ended the affair.

That was over ten years ago now and he’s still the gaslighting arsehole he always was, but the wife walks on egg shells because she’s just grateful he’s still there when he could have left her. It’s fucked. Don’t be that woman, she’s a shell of who she used to be.

Yes he is being cruel. Take control of your life before this man makes you ill. You need to get out now before his behaviour gets worse.

Just leave him. Don't waste anymore of your only life on him. If he actually is depressed then he can seek help. It isn't up to you to sort.

You get one life. Please don't waste it on this prick.

I’m so sorry op, to do it so many times and then backtrack suggests he is either very cruel or has serious mental health issues. Either way no-one can live like that. Is he close to his family? I’d move out and contact his family if he threatens suicide again.

Well perhaps he is depressed, but you cannot stay in this relationship for the sake of your own MH.

I suggest you separate and he gets serious therapy IF he then claims he really does want to be with you.

He is all kinds of fucked up

Thanks for the replies. I just don’t understand it at all - one week he’s making out he’s madly in love with me and being so attentive and affectionate. The next week he’s cold and distant and it’s messing with my head so much. We seemed to happy when we got married. When he proposed to me he told me he could never live without me. If someone I knew was being treated like this I would 100% tell them to divorce and never look back. When you’re the one going through it it’s so much more difficult to walk away especially when my self esteem is in complete tatters

@Confused7888 please, please leave this horrible man! You deserve so much better!

Please don't stay with him, don't have kids with him- be glad of the fact that you don't have children with him!

This relationship, if it continues, will bring you nothing but misery and you could have so much better than that.

You are the same age as me- I split up with my abusive ex 4 years ago but we have two children together (born in far better times- it was after baby no 2 that he changed). I wouldn't change having my kids for the world but my god having a link to my ex is awful. You can get away from your husband with no ties and that is something to be very grateful for.

You are still young and can have an amazing life once splitting from him. What is the situation with the house- are both your names on the mortgage? How much money did you both contribute for the deposit? If I were you I would be speaking to a solicitor today to find out where you stand legally. I would imagine with a short marriage and no children it would be a simple case of selling the house and you both keeping what you put in, with any extra being divided equally.

He isn’t close to his family really. Sees them a few times a year but it’s a very formal relationship and they live a few hundred miles away. He told me he bought the stuff he needs to commit suicide if I leave him. But then a few weeks later he’s telling me he wants me to leave and he only sees me as a good friend. I feel almost paralysed with stress right now

Threatening to kill himself if you leave is considered one of the classic signs of abuse.

That is so cruel. He needs urgent help.

He can’t fix himself and you can’t fix him. You need to look after yourself - make those plans to get out and stick to them this time.

When you’re the one going through it it’s so much more difficult to walk away especially when my self esteem is in complete tatters

I get this completely- but all I can say is my life is in tatters tbh because of what my ex did and it's very, very difficult to live with. Take the opportunity for a clean break- you will never regret making what is by far the best decision for you- your mental health and long term happiness. Having children and being tied to your husband with the way he behaves would be utterly awful.

Nothing changes if nothing changes.
Do things differently, do not tell him you are leaving. Just go. Get away from him completely, no phone calls or texts and see how much better you feel. Words from another person are unreliable. You feelings are not.
What you describe is torture. Leave today.

This is abuse in itself and very reminiscent of some of the stuff my ex did- plus the description of his relationship with his family is exactly the same as my ex had with his.

Honestly- so many red flags- please walk away. You deserve so much better and one day you will realise it too. It's him that has worn down your self esteem and confidence. You can get it back again though.

You need to split up, at least with no children you can walk away with a clean break, don't let him keep on hurting you like this, it is abuse.

I’m glad you know you have to leave. He sounds schizophrenic. Can you speak to his family so that he has support from others?

@Confused7888 I would honestly recommend you contact Women's Aid as well for some advice and support, they were lifesavers for me. What he is doing is absolutely abusive. I think once you are away from him it would be worth doing the freedom programme as well- to really hammer home what a healthy relationship should be and to emphasise how unhealthy your marriage is.

Thank god there's no children. Get out and this time, do NOT fall for the suicide threat and do NOT cave in and go back. He's got you on a string.

Death threat is just one of the tools he uses in his awful emotional abuse and mani[pulation. The lovey dovey bit is another of his cold manipulative tactics.

He's an abusive fuckhead. Ditch him and go live your life.

Ps: is there any chance he's gay? I regret to say I can think of two cases where a man waxed and waned to this extreme and were actually gay and deep in the closet.

I don’t think he’s gay but I have had a few suspicions about a woman at his work that he seems to have struck a friendship up with. I did some snooping on her profile and she has become single around the time all my husband’s crazy behaviour started. It’s as if he’s conflicted about whether he wants to stay with me or be single to pursue her or something. I’ve questioned him a few times and he shuts it down immediately saying she’s just a friend and he has no attraction towards her.
yesterday after the weekend of hell with him he was discussing us getting a puppy together soon and kept telling me he loves me. I was being very quiet and went to bed early saying I didn’t feel well

Run don't walk OP.

It feels like abuse because it is.
Your mental health and self esteem will not improve if you stay.
Suicide threats are classic. If he were to actually take his own life it is still actually not your fault, because you're responsible for you.
Go now, the sooner you do the sooner you can rebuild your life, and if you want t to find someone who deserves you, you sound lovely. 💐

When a friends husband did this it was because he was having an affair. Is it possible he is either started one or is contemplating it? The “I never loved you” stuff is classic, it’s a justification for what a small part of their brain recognises as shitty behaviour. She spent a lot of time forgiving him, setting up counselling, seeking help to save him. He obviously kept it up as long as she continued to enable him. It wasn’t until she saw the light, booted him out and saw a divorce lawyer that he actually dumped the gf and sorted himself out. Either way, your husband’s puzzling and cruel behaviour is not yours to fix and someone who is drowning will drag you down with them. He should be the one to get out, he’s the one who wants to destroy the marriage. You need space and a chance to think straight about what YOU want. Which may ultimately be a life without him.

Do you think it’s possible this is deliberate and he’s trying to make you leave him so he isn’t the bad guy.

or he’s got serious MH problems