Husband is being so cruel

[Confused7888]

Posting here for traffic and have name changed. I don’t have anyone to talk to about this in real life so I appreciate any help you can give me.

I married my husband a year ago (been together 6 years). I’m 34 and we have a mortgage but no kids.

we have had a few ups and downs in our relationship with him sometimes becoming a bit distant or making the occasional mean remark about my looks. Nothing too awful but there were a few red flags along the way but I still went ahead and married him as when we’re good we’re amazing together.

over the last 6 months our relationship has been utter hell though! He told me he wanted to divorce and he only loved me as a friend and had never found me attractive. A few weeks later he back tracked and said he didn’t mean anything he said and he was just sabotaging things as he’s depressed. We stayed together and things seemed to get back on track. 2 months later the same thing happened again. I made arrangements to move out for a while but the day before I was due to move he starts saying he’ll kill himself if I go and he doesn’t know why he keeps trying to sabotage things.
Another month passes by and we are back on track again and he is really trying every day to be a very loving partner. Suddenly out the blue he tells me yet again that he isn’t in love with me and he just wants to be friends as he doesn’t feel any spark or chemistry with me. The previous days he had been telling me how in love he was with me and how beautiful I am etc so as you can imagine my head was in bits with his confusing behaviour. I don’t think my mental health has ever been so low! Again I made plans to move out and he freaked out and begged me to stay and swore he would never treat me like that again and would sort his depression out once and for all.

well another month has passed by with us seemingly starting to sort our relationship out but on Friday he did it again for the 4th time! I was hysterically crying as he told me coldly that he doesn’t feel any spark with me and he can’t keep living a lie. I went to sleep and a few hours later he got in beside me and was cuddling me saying I’m the most important thing in his life and he never wants us to split up. The next morning I had barely slept and was feeling extremely low and confused with his hot and cold behaviour. He came downstairs crying saying how much he loves me. He’s now acting like nothing has happened and making out we’re happy together again but Im extremely tense just waiting for him to do it again.

I know I need to leave him but I feel at rock bottom and am struggling to even get out of bed let alone start being proactive in finding somewhere else to live. I feel close to having a complete mental breakdown over his behaviour towards me. it feels like complete mental torture and emotional abuse!!

sorry I don’t even know what I’m asking for help with on here but it’s just good to let it all out and see if anyone else has been through anything similar and come out the other side? Does anyone understand why someone might behave like this? Thanks for listening

You "abandon" a helpless kitten or puppy or child, not an abusive partner.

Emotive language like that helps no one, especially the one being abused.

Does he use drugs?

You have some responsibility for his wellbeing

For fuck's sake, have you read the OP's posts? He is abusing her. The only person's wellbeing she needs to be responsible for is herself. HE IS CHOOSING TO DO THIS TO HER.

He's a Schizophrenic, if it was your house first I'd pack his bags and he'd leave tonight, if it was his house first I'd leave tonight. If he harms himself it's not your problem but maybe pop to the police station when you leave and ask them to welfare check him if you are worried. X

I read them. He's either diabolical and managed to pretend not to be for 6 years (which is entirely believable with abusive men, but still unusual.)

Or He's having a catastrophic event with his mental health. Either way informing the health services will either expose him, let staff know OP needs support. Or gets him the help he needs.

Its not her responsibility to stay with him, or fix him. But if he is mentally unwell he is probably unable to seek his own support.

I am sorry you are going through this. I think he has had his head turned and is saying horrible stuff to you to justify the other woman. Strangely, nothing that happens from now onwards will be as painful as the first time he to,d you to leave. That’s already happened, taking control and leaving now will make you feel better. All I can say is it will be hard, but you will come through the other end.
you can’t live like this any longer and you will always feel insecure waiting for the next time.

How can you POSSIBLY diagnose that?

Do you have any idea of how long in takes ACTUAL PSYCHIATRISTS to diagnose schizophrenia? Don't be so fucking stupid.

For fuck's sake 😡

I can’t go to my mum’s today as waiting on an important delivery for my business this evening and I need to personally deal with some stuff with that. I’ll def be going tomorrow though and plan on staying a few days. He is home now and acting like nothing has happened and trying to be cheerful. I’m being very quiet though and have taken myself up to bed saying I have a headache.
To the pp asking if he dies drugs - he hasn’t for years but smoked weed heavily when he was younger.
he told me he has a habit of pushing people away when he’s depressed. He seems happy enough around his friends though so surely if he was actually struggling with his MH it wouldn’t just be me he is treating this way.
i feel worn out from it all. Why does my marriage have to be so bloody difficult 😞

You've allowed him to mess with you.
Pleeeaaassse just pack your bags, take banking stuff and passport and go. block him for st least the first 3 days or longer. Just to give you breathing space.
Leave a note so he knows you're gone for good.

Don't talk such absolute shite.

There isn't a person on this earth that can diagnose schizophrenia based on someone elses posts on an internet forum.

So sorry to hear this OP. Have you tried Womens Aid? Their helpline is excellent and 24 hours. They deal with all types of abuse and this sounds like abusive behaviour to me - worth googling the cycle of abuse - where partner alternates loving and abusive behaviour and the impact on you is very destabilising.

0808 2000 247 - national domestic abuse helpline (don’t be our off by the name)

A lot of men and women suffer from emotionally unstable personality disorder but they don't control their partners in the way he is this is typical controlling behavior and abusive

He’s being an arse!

Dump him if you ever want a life.
Or put up with his bullying shit. Your choice.
If you need help digging up the patio, give me a call.

OP it’s also worth reading Lundy Bancroft “why does he do that?” Inside the minds of abusive men. Once you have clarity: this isn’t your fault/you can’t fix it / you feel more empowered to make the right decisions for you. I would stop worrying about him. If he threatens suicide, I get that’s worrying and he needs to get help. It’s not on you and as pps have said, threatening suicide to make you stay is abusive. You are your responsibility- he isn’t.

Threatening suicide if you leave is a big red flag for domestic abuse.

Speak to women’s aid.

Leave ASAP - whatever you do don’t get pregnant.

Sending you love and strength for going to your Mums tomorrow.
You've tolerated his shit long enough

This sounds like narcissistic behaviour. Why should you leave? Chuck him out! He is messing with your mind. The fact that he made the "occasional mean remark about my looks" shows a fundamental lack of respect. When you said "when we’re good we’re amazing together" also indicates that when it's not good, it's awful. The feeling of "walking on eggshells" (which you don't specifically mention, but seems to be implied) is typical of the feeling that someone gets when they are dealing with a narcissist. I'm not making a diagnosis (I'm not in a position to do that), but you seem to be the victim of controlling and abusive behaviour. Sounds like a combination of gaslighting and love bombing. Don't tolerate this, it will lower your self-esteem. The threat of suicide is usually just another way to exert control.

Are you ok OP

OP, I'm really hoping you're safely at your Mum's now and have been able to take some deep breaths. My guess is that now you've been able to step out of the situation for a bit, you'll be able to see how unhappy he has made you and how impossible it is for you to fix this.

Please do read the Lundy Bancroft book everyone has mentioned - there is a pdf of it at

ia600108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf

Please let us know you are all right.

@Confused7888 , have you heard of sunk cost fallacy? You are dithering about leaving this abusive man because you've ploughed a lot in to him already. However, it's a fallacy for a reason, and will lead you to make choices that are not in your best interest. I hope the next time you post you'll have gone to your mum's and started to plan your divorce.

“The sunk cost effect is the general tendency for people to continue an endeavor, or continue consuming or pursuing an option, if they’ve invested time or money or some resource in it,” says Christopher Olivola, an assistant professor of marketing at Carnegie Mellon’s Tepper School of Business and the author of a 2018 paper on the topic published in the journal Psychological Science. “That effect becomes a fallacy if it’s pushing you to do things that are making you unhappy or worse off.”
time.com/5347133/sunk-cost-fallacy-decisions/

OP, I really hope you're at your mum's and that you're both doing ok.
Having been with the "I'll kill myself if you leave me" type, I can tell you now that he won't. I first tried to leave after 6 months together and repeatedly throughout our seven year relationship and he would constantly pull this shit until I stayed. He wasn't suicidal. Unfortunately, after being treated like this for so long, I was. I went to counselling and started doing well but I knew I was trapped with him and nothing would ever get better for me. One day, in public, he aggressively called me a "lying sack of shit" during a discussion about who was going to do the dishes. I knew then I was done.
You can do this. You're very fortunate to not have children involved. Please leave and find your happiness again.
My main piece of advice though: DO NOT REMAIN FRIENDS WITH HIM. My ex guilt tripped me into staying friends with him for five years after we split. It was another five years of him being at my house every single day, questioning everything I did, not allowing me the opportunity to move on with my life. He even told me I had to tell him when I was thinking of meeting someone new. Then he met someone else and HE decided he was done with me. Even though I ended the relationship, he still controlled when it was actually over.
However, since then I've lost a load of weight (purposely), quit smoking and finally learned to drive. I'm still a bit messed up mentally but I'm getting there and every day I know it could have been so much worse.
Good luck ❤️

Is anyone else concerned that we've heard nothing more from the OP, or is this normal for Mumsnet?

It's very normal for posters to not come back to their thread. Or maybe return a few months later. Sometimes they pop up with a new thread and a name change.

Please get out now. You can make a fresh start. This is only going to get worse.