Husband is being so cruel

[Confused7888]

Posting here for traffic and have name changed. I don’t have anyone to talk to about this in real life so I appreciate any help you can give me.

I married my husband a year ago (been together 6 years). I’m 34 and we have a mortgage but no kids.

we have had a few ups and downs in our relationship with him sometimes becoming a bit distant or making the occasional mean remark about my looks. Nothing too awful but there were a few red flags along the way but I still went ahead and married him as when we’re good we’re amazing together.

over the last 6 months our relationship has been utter hell though! He told me he wanted to divorce and he only loved me as a friend and had never found me attractive. A few weeks later he back tracked and said he didn’t mean anything he said and he was just sabotaging things as he’s depressed. We stayed together and things seemed to get back on track. 2 months later the same thing happened again. I made arrangements to move out for a while but the day before I was due to move he starts saying he’ll kill himself if I go and he doesn’t know why he keeps trying to sabotage things.
Another month passes by and we are back on track again and he is really trying every day to be a very loving partner. Suddenly out the blue he tells me yet again that he isn’t in love with me and he just wants to be friends as he doesn’t feel any spark or chemistry with me. The previous days he had been telling me how in love he was with me and how beautiful I am etc so as you can imagine my head was in bits with his confusing behaviour. I don’t think my mental health has ever been so low! Again I made plans to move out and he freaked out and begged me to stay and swore he would never treat me like that again and would sort his depression out once and for all.

well another month has passed by with us seemingly starting to sort our relationship out but on Friday he did it again for the 4th time! I was hysterically crying as he told me coldly that he doesn’t feel any spark with me and he can’t keep living a lie. I went to sleep and a few hours later he got in beside me and was cuddling me saying I’m the most important thing in his life and he never wants us to split up. The next morning I had barely slept and was feeling extremely low and confused with his hot and cold behaviour. He came downstairs crying saying how much he loves me. He’s now acting like nothing has happened and making out we’re happy together again but Im extremely tense just waiting for him to do it again.

I know I need to leave him but I feel at rock bottom and am struggling to even get out of bed let alone start being proactive in finding somewhere else to live. I feel close to having a complete mental breakdown over his behaviour towards me. it feels like complete mental torture and emotional abuse!!

sorry I don’t even know what I’m asking for help with on here but it’s just good to let it all out and see if anyone else has been through anything similar and come out the other side? Does anyone understand why someone might behave like this? Thanks for listening

Dear OP. Please leave. Analyse later if you need to - many of us will be happy to join in. But RIGHT NOW you are really suffering from his dreadful behaviour, and so it literally doesn't matter whether he's ill or horrible or confused or whatever. You need to GET AWAY from him and recover your own sanity and sense of self. Please. It's so painful seeing you do this to yourself. Get separate. save yourself. You cannot save HIM. 💐

He will not kill himself. I'd bet my pension on it.

Poor you OP, I agree about looking up the cycle of abuse. What persuaded me to leave, in the end, was reading the Women's Aid message board. It suddenly opened my eyes to the fact that abusers aren't monsters all the time, even the ones who make your life emotional hell, or physically abuse you. There were women whose husbands had been to prison for what they had done, but the women were taking them back because the men had cried how much they loved them, had brought them flowers and breakfast in bed. If they were always monstrous, we would not have married them. You could read Lundy Bancroft's book " I don't know why he does it". ( The answer is because he wants to, because he can.)

The other thing is to boost your confidence somehow by talking to friends and family, and starting to plan practically so that there is an escape route if you decide to leave. Maybe start a little running away fund with supermarket cashback. When you have enough for one month's rent, you will feel so empowered.

Sounds very clear cut to me.

Sadly he doesn't find you attractive , and can't keep that under wraps sometimes.

If I was being very benevolent towards him, he sounds like he knows he's being shallow and disrespectful, and may mean it when it says loves you and doesn't want to split, but that's for more of an easy life. There's a difference between loving someone and being ' in love' with them.

It's pretty cowardly of him to keep looping round on you like this.

You should be able to have a discussion about going your separate ways , which although painful is the only obvious solution here - you can't and shouldn't have to ' make' yourself attractive to him. It is what it is.

Sort this out as soon as you can so you can both lead a happier life.

Get out, get out, get out.

Don't tell him - just do it.

Then, watch as the mist in your head recedes and you can see his behaviour clearly for what it is - abuse.

He is beyond abusive @Confused7888. absolutely beyond.

Do you have family or friends that you can go to stay with?

Or can you book into a hotel for a while ?

You need time & space away from him to think clearly

Make an appointment with a solicitor & investigate separation & divorce

This is not a healthy relationship

You need to prioritise yourself today
Look after numerous one, YOU

I’m taking my mum to hospital tomorrow as she has had a cancer scare. I’ll go and stay with her for a few nights afterwards so I can have time to properly think

Hes abusive -4 times hes done this 4 op come on now-noone annnounces they'll kill themselves if you leave

if hes got mh problems he can see a doctor but has he even tried-i have depression ive never announced i'll kil myself i just go into myself i dont threaten anyone with it

i wouldnt stay and put up wth that but if you do he has to see a doctor and counselling at least

You need to leave, he is abusing you and it is disgusting behaviour. Try not to look too much into the woman at work, she may be completely innocent in all this and has no idea how your husband is treating you. Also by focusing on her fb profile and what she's doing is taking away the responsibility your husband has in his behaviour. Him treating you so disgusting has nothing to do with her. In abusive relationships the most dangerous time for a partner is when he/she leaves so do not tell him your plans. Get yourself a bag/case of your necessities passport/medicine etc and get that bag to a friend of family members in advance of you leaving the property. Take pictures of each room of the house as evidence in case he breaks or destroys anything and tries to blame you (he will act up to try and gain some control in this situation). You are entitled to half of the funds in any joint account so get that withdrawn and leave. you want to start getting your post redirected to a friend/family member and get in touch with a divorce solicitor. Change your number as soon as possible and block him. Only contact via a solicitor. If you can, get in touch with women's aid and they may be able to signpost you to other avenues of support such as counselling which you will need as you have been groomed by your husband for years. while his abuse may seem quite recent to you, he would have been working on knocking down your confidence before the more obvious signs of abuse appeared.

A friend wouldn't treat you like this

Look for somewhere to rent for now.

Then see a solicitor. You have possible rights over the house.

Hope your Mum is OK. Good idea to stay with her, I'm sure she'd be glad of the company. Tell her what's been going on - she'll want to know, even if she has other worries. Then you can just tell your abusive husband that you're not going back, ever.

I'd pack a bag right now and leave.

I'd bet on an affair and the timing coinciding with ow blowing hot and cold on him.

Please pack up and leave him. He has been so cruel to you and you don’t have to take this.
let him makes his threats , it’s just his way of controlling you.

What has he actually done to get help with his depression? Just wondering if he’s actually sought help or just pretends he will.

I would run as fast as you can. He’s exhibiting classic abusive behaviour. He’s messing with your head and he knows it.

Honestly, leave and don't get married again

Do not under any circumstances have any children with this man

Oh and he won't kill himself if you leave. It's just another tactic to keep you in your place.

You haven't got any children. You've got no ties to this man. Please don't keep wasting your time with him. He won't change. I very much doubt that he'll commit suicide either. He's manipulative, mentally abusive, and is all over the damned place. You deserve something better than this, surely? For God's sake, do NOT get a puppy/kitten/bird/any living creature with this person. RUN for it.

Yes. Use the excuse that your mum is upset and nervous about the hospital tomorrow so you want to stay with her tonight. Go now. Stay at your mum's until you know what you're doing. This man is head-fuck central.

GO!

@Confused7888 , I think you should give stay with your mum for a while. Give him the perfectly legitimate reason of being a supportive daughter (hopefully that will mean he won't put on the dramatics before you get out).
Once you are out, take time to calm and breathe, and when you have composed yourself in a week or so, go get your stuff and move out completely.
Then file for divorce and sort the finances through a 3rd party..never ever see him again..he is messing you up, who knows why, it doesn't really matter, you just need out asap

You don't have to put up with this shit. He's emotionally abusive.

Muster all your energy and leave / get him to leave.

This is your life until you decide enough is enough.

You are unsurprisingly in an abusive relationship having ignored the red flags.

It will only get much worse.

Pack a big bag with everything you care about and go to your mother.

Get some counselling to figure out why you place so little value on your life.

Be thankful you don't have children in the middle of this shit show.

Being generous I'd say he's mentally ill. BUT there's no need to follow him down his own rabbit hole. He has to sort himself out. You need to step away