Husband is being so cruel

[Confused7888]

Posting here for traffic and have name changed. I don’t have anyone to talk to about this in real life so I appreciate any help you can give me.

I married my husband a year ago (been together 6 years). I’m 34 and we have a mortgage but no kids.

we have had a few ups and downs in our relationship with him sometimes becoming a bit distant or making the occasional mean remark about my looks. Nothing too awful but there were a few red flags along the way but I still went ahead and married him as when we’re good we’re amazing together.

over the last 6 months our relationship has been utter hell though! He told me he wanted to divorce and he only loved me as a friend and had never found me attractive. A few weeks later he back tracked and said he didn’t mean anything he said and he was just sabotaging things as he’s depressed. We stayed together and things seemed to get back on track. 2 months later the same thing happened again. I made arrangements to move out for a while but the day before I was due to move he starts saying he’ll kill himself if I go and he doesn’t know why he keeps trying to sabotage things.
Another month passes by and we are back on track again and he is really trying every day to be a very loving partner. Suddenly out the blue he tells me yet again that he isn’t in love with me and he just wants to be friends as he doesn’t feel any spark or chemistry with me. The previous days he had been telling me how in love he was with me and how beautiful I am etc so as you can imagine my head was in bits with his confusing behaviour. I don’t think my mental health has ever been so low! Again I made plans to move out and he freaked out and begged me to stay and swore he would never treat me like that again and would sort his depression out once and for all.

well another month has passed by with us seemingly starting to sort our relationship out but on Friday he did it again for the 4th time! I was hysterically crying as he told me coldly that he doesn’t feel any spark with me and he can’t keep living a lie. I went to sleep and a few hours later he got in beside me and was cuddling me saying I’m the most important thing in his life and he never wants us to split up. The next morning I had barely slept and was feeling extremely low and confused with his hot and cold behaviour. He came downstairs crying saying how much he loves me. He’s now acting like nothing has happened and making out we’re happy together again but Im extremely tense just waiting for him to do it again.

I know I need to leave him but I feel at rock bottom and am struggling to even get out of bed let alone start being proactive in finding somewhere else to live. I feel close to having a complete mental breakdown over his behaviour towards me. it feels like complete mental torture and emotional abuse!!

sorry I don’t even know what I’m asking for help with on here but it’s just good to let it all out and see if anyone else has been through anything similar and come out the other side? Does anyone understand why someone might behave like this? Thanks for listening

@10HailMarys absolutely nailed the why he does this.

You come across as very self aware and wrote about the mental torture in your OP.

This is a man that puts himself first. Even if he feels these things, after seeing how devestated you were the first time, why tell you again? We are all entitled to personal thoughts and feelings. To share this with you if he doesn't want to end it is just cruel. It may make him feel better but it's at your expense.

This is a man that if you are pregnant and struggling will still put his needs first. When you are up all night with a baby will make it all about how he feels y

I wonder though if he has someone else he’s dallying with and ping ponging between leaving to be with her and not wanting to leave you in case it is a mistake. He’s trying to convince himself your shit to justify ending it, then shitting himself that you are leaving. I say this as in the first year of getting married this happened to a friend of mine, they’d been together 10 years before marrying

This was my first thought.

For you make it happen**

Oops posted too soon but basically he's a selfish arse and you are running around trying to please him

You never will so just stop and get out now. You deserve so much more

Sounds like he has BPD

I'm so sorry but this is a bad relationship. You need to look out for yourself and realize you are subjecting yourself to this torture for the rest of your life if you stay. Please leave as soon as you are able.

No one here is going to tell you to stay with him.
He's a manipulative abuser.

Go stay with your mum and block him so you don't have to listen to his manipulative bs.

The hot and cold behaviour is classic abuser too. He has you in a disabled state. Please look up Women's Aid to gain some perspective and for support. The good news is that as you don't have children, you are not tied for life.

And OP doesn't need to worry about indulging that game playing. She would be better off without him whether her dumping him benefits him or not.

Obviously he can't keep his own promises so there is no point in relying on them. At this point I think you need to put your own mental health and wellbeing first and leave before he can make things even worse. If he produces the "I'm depressed" excuse tell him to get help. If he makes threats to kill himself, still walk out but call the police if he sounds at all serious.

Next time he says anything hurtful DO NOT CRY in front of him. Just try and laugh it off like ''oh here we go again'' Try not to act hurt! THAT'S what he wants - to gain full control over your emotions. Nip it in the bud by acting like you don't care!

This is one of the worst cases of emotional abuse I have ever read on here. I am so sorry you are going through this. He is abusing you, there no other way of putting it. He is emotionally abusing you by making you feel horrible, worthless, not good enough then when he gets you where he wants you he then abuses you some more but adds in some manipulation by claiming he will kill himself and therefore he has maniplulated the situation into what he wants - which is to abuse you then have you stay with him. This won't stop - EVER. This will absolute destroy your mental health, self confidence, self esteem and sense of self worth. He is an abuser, a manipulator and will continue to treat you this way for as long as you allow it. Picture yourself aged 70 - will you look back thinking I'm glad I stayed with him and lived a life of misery or will you look back knowing you can never relive your life regretting staying with someone who has made you distraught week in week out for what will be years on end? The only way you will ever truly be happy again s by leaving him. You deserve so much better than this.

This is a time to think only of yourself.
You can’t live like this any longer …it will break you so that you are permanently paralysed with inertia, unable to think for yourself, only grateful for whatever he inflicts on you. Trapped.
Make a plan and get out as soon as you can. Meanwhile don’t listen to another single word he says. None of his words, positive or negative, mean anything. His words are bad for you. They only serve to control you and confuse you and make you more and more reliant on him. Get away from him. He’s not your friend nor is he your responsibility.
Give yourself a chance at independence and happiness again. Good luck OP.

I rarely post on here but this post reminds me so much of my ex husband.

Please leave and do it now. Take anything you absolutely need - passport, financial docs etc and just go. Show your mum this thread. Don’t stop for a second, just go. Block him on your phone, hand it over to your mum if you need to. Please, please just get away. It’ll take time for you to realise you’ve done the right thing but you can do this x

- I need to stop trying to work out why he’s behaving like this and focus on my own mental health

Yes you do. The sooner you leave him, the sooner you will start to feel better and see him for what he is, an abuser.

I just want to add to my post - in regards to the threats to kill himself I hope you see them for what they are which is manipulation. He believes that by saying that you will then stay to 'prevent him doing it'. In reality, when someone wants to truly end their life, they don't tell anyone because they wouldn't want to be prevented. If they someone does tell someone, it's because they want help. He doesn't want to end his life nor does he want help - it's just another way of abusing and manipulating you.

He's a nasty man and is getting a kick dangling you on a string.He's putting you down shattering your self esteem and confidence so you're grateful when he's nice to you. Whatever the reason it doesn't matter why. Take the opportunity staying with your Mum to see a solicitor. As it's a short marriage it will be straightforward to divorce, any you can look forward to a bright future free of him.
I hope your Mum is ok.. and you have a happy birthday without him

Yes indeed. My mother advised me to marry a man whose faults you can stand and she was so right.

OP, this is no way to live. Who cares why he is doing what he is doing. the impact on you is the same no matter why he is doing it. Leave now and tell him it is over and you have no interest in reviving it - what he feels isn't what is important here. it is what you feel.

He’s nasty and manipulative or he has some serious mental illness.

Please stop wasting your life on this man. Imagine yourself in five years time. It’s not any better is it?

You need to take control and stop being a passenger in your own life. He’s not seeing anyone for depression but using thay as an excuse for his behaviour when deep down you think it’s not depression he’s just got the hots for someone else.

look. Take control, end it, go your seperate ways and meet someone else later who will love you and not be forcing themselves to pretend like this. It’s crazy.

@Confused7888
OP, I was horrified to read your thread, it sounds as if you are living with 2 different people. How many more chances does he require before he leads you to a complete breakdown? I was upset to hear about the latest row, as you say you were hysterically crying, this is sheer emotional cruelty on his part. Please look for alternative accommodation today and clear your internet history if you share a laptop. Also ensure your phone has a lock he can not access. His pathetic excuse that he will kill himself if you go is not an excuse for you to deny your own needs, you need peace in your life so become ruthlessly practical and start searching for alternate accommodation today. Best wishes

I absolutely agree with this post. I wouldn't abandon him without first trying to get him some help.

@Samarie123
Absolutely agree ! Try the Greyrock approach and do not react emotionally when he starts again, while you are planning your escape.

I absolutely agree with this post. I wouldn't abandon him without first trying to get him some help

A lot of women stay with abusers as they excuse the physical violence, seeing it as not being really him as he just needs help etc. No! It’s not her responsibility to fix him and make him a better person.

I absolutely agree with this post. I wouldn't abandon him without first trying to get him some help

Terrible advice. Absolutely terrible. It isn't her job to fix this abusive man.