Husband is being so cruel

[Confused7888]

Posting here for traffic and have name changed. I don’t have anyone to talk to about this in real life so I appreciate any help you can give me.

I married my husband a year ago (been together 6 years). I’m 34 and we have a mortgage but no kids.

we have had a few ups and downs in our relationship with him sometimes becoming a bit distant or making the occasional mean remark about my looks. Nothing too awful but there were a few red flags along the way but I still went ahead and married him as when we’re good we’re amazing together.

over the last 6 months our relationship has been utter hell though! He told me he wanted to divorce and he only loved me as a friend and had never found me attractive. A few weeks later he back tracked and said he didn’t mean anything he said and he was just sabotaging things as he’s depressed. We stayed together and things seemed to get back on track. 2 months later the same thing happened again. I made arrangements to move out for a while but the day before I was due to move he starts saying he’ll kill himself if I go and he doesn’t know why he keeps trying to sabotage things.
Another month passes by and we are back on track again and he is really trying every day to be a very loving partner. Suddenly out the blue he tells me yet again that he isn’t in love with me and he just wants to be friends as he doesn’t feel any spark or chemistry with me. The previous days he had been telling me how in love he was with me and how beautiful I am etc so as you can imagine my head was in bits with his confusing behaviour. I don’t think my mental health has ever been so low! Again I made plans to move out and he freaked out and begged me to stay and swore he would never treat me like that again and would sort his depression out once and for all.

well another month has passed by with us seemingly starting to sort our relationship out but on Friday he did it again for the 4th time! I was hysterically crying as he told me coldly that he doesn’t feel any spark with me and he can’t keep living a lie. I went to sleep and a few hours later he got in beside me and was cuddling me saying I’m the most important thing in his life and he never wants us to split up. The next morning I had barely slept and was feeling extremely low and confused with his hot and cold behaviour. He came downstairs crying saying how much he loves me. He’s now acting like nothing has happened and making out we’re happy together again but Im extremely tense just waiting for him to do it again.

I know I need to leave him but I feel at rock bottom and am struggling to even get out of bed let alone start being proactive in finding somewhere else to live. I feel close to having a complete mental breakdown over his behaviour towards me. it feels like complete mental torture and emotional abuse!!

sorry I don’t even know what I’m asking for help with on here but it’s just good to let it all out and see if anyone else has been through anything similar and come out the other side? Does anyone understand why someone might behave like this? Thanks for listening

He is being manipulative as well as cruel. Don't waste any more of your time with him, he appears to have a mental health problem. It's his problem but if you stay with him your own mental health will get worse .

Go and stay with someone, find a solicitor and set plans in motion for a divorce.

He really doesn't deserve you.

It doesn't matter why he does it, OP. Stop wasting your time trying to puzzle him out, as though you could find a reason which would make his behaviour defensible. Nothing could! He is behaving appallingly towards you and knowingly making you suffer, again and again. That's all you need to know, and it's more than enough reason to end this for good.

On the Relationships board it seems quite common to read about women persuaded to stay by their partner's unconvincing threats of suicide. Don't let yourself be manipulated.

I feel like he maybe does just love me as a best friend and is trying to force a romantic relationship with me as he’s scared to end things and lose me completely from his life.

Please stop trying to work out his reasonings, they will never make sense, it is all designed to have you feeling as if you are going out of your mind. None of it is true, it's all a sham.

I really suggest you contact Women's Aid as a matter of urgency.

What is he actually doing to get help for this "depression" if anything.
If he's doing nothing then it's time to leave. You cannot allow someone to do this to you. It's time to tell him that you are not putting up with this shit any more and he either gets help and sorts himself out or leaves.
Make plans to move on in the meantime.

As hard as it is to think about, you are under zero obligation to stay with someone who is suicidal. You’re not a professional, and he’s actively damaging you while you try to love and help him. How do you think he would respond if you were to call the police on him when he threatens suicide? Would he take the help, or would he be furious with you for calling his bluff?

I’ve struggled with thoughts of suicide in the past and I know how hard and isolating it can be, but I would NEVER hold it over someone’s head to force them to stay. It’s manipulative and cruel.

He hasn’t done anything to get help. That says it all really 😞

This - I hope you can reach out in real life and leave and take a complete break from him

My lovely try and stop focussing on him and focus on you. Turn your vision from looking at him and see yourself and how sad you are and how difficult this is and help yourself. It's not your job to take care of him and his crazy head.

OP I thought I'd seen it all in fucked-uppery but this is truly extraordinary, in the worst possible way.

Since he does manage to function at work and in everyday life I don't think you can put it down to mental distress on his part. He is playing with you like a cat with a captured mouse.

I may be wrong of course but I find it hard to read this as anything other than him being an utter creep, a sick, vile creep. That lovey-dovey text after having you pinned down on the bed to tell you your marriage is over - who the fuck does this??

I hope staying at your mum's helps. All the best for moving on!

You need counselling for you, not him. He can sort his own out.

My first ex husband was like this - you have shown him he can talk to you however he likes and knock you down and no one is a sponge for abuse. It is time to have a break for you and you decide what you want

You can't live with someone who blows hot and cold like this. He sounds totally under the influence of whims as well, totally impulse driven. You need someone who has a longer view, not this completely only feeling how he feels second by second. Yes, it could be depression but what is going yo happen to your mental health (?) If you went on to have children his behaviour would probably get worse from the pressure as well.

Yes, you want to support him, but I tried goo long yo stay with someone like this, his mood manipulated everything, I walked on egg shells.

You need to get space, if he isn't trying yo get support from GP, trying to keep.on top of his decisions and health then he's not invested in the relationship.

I feel like he maybe does just love me as a best friend and is trying to force a romantic relationship with me as he’s scared to end things and lose me completely from his life. Plus the fact that woman at his work has maybe caught his eye so he’s now comparing me with her and thinking how he doesn’t have those excited feelings of chemistry with me

Stop trying to find reasons, or you'll end up justifying to yourself how and why you should stick it out. He's not going to change.

I know I need to leave him but I feel at rock bottom and am struggling to even get out of bed let alone start being proactive in finding somewhere else to live. I feel close to having a complete mental breakdown over his behaviour towards me. it feels like complete mental torture and emotional abuse!!

He's destroying you. I'm glad you're going to your mum's. Try to detach from what he's doing. Whether he's being all lovey dovey or telling you that he doesn't want to be with you, try to let it be water off a duck's back that has no impact on you either way. That will give you the chance to focus on you rather than on him. And if he says he'll kill himself your response should be 'that doesn't change my mind'. It's unlikely he would do anything, but IF he did that would be his choice and not your fault.

Another reason for his behaviour I’ve considered is maybe he’s not happy in the marriage so tries to keep ending things. He then sees how distraught I get so he feels guilty and then tries to keep trying to make things work.
you’re all right though - I need to stop trying to work out why he’s behaving like this and focus on my own mental health

You are 100% right to leave.

I would definitely have a plan though and get lots of support in place because you know when you leave he will ramp up the hot and cold behaviour, beg and plead to come back, make threats against you and himself and you might well go back to him and he’ll do it all again. I suspect he will also turn nasty. You need to be really strong and decisive after you leave.

Sorry OP but he doesn't love you at all, romanticly or as a friend. If he did he wouldn't hurt you like this, he knows full well he's hurting you and does it over and over again. Would you treat someone you cared about in any form like this? No you wouldn't. He's shown you who he is!

As for why he takes it back a few days later, because he's an abusive arse who wants to keep his options open. But make no mistake, the honeymoon period after telling you he doesn't love you is fake and just as manipulative as the suicide threats.

He's emotionally and physically abusive towards you. Pinning you down on the bed so he can tell you over and over that he doesn't love you, then being all lovey dovey and acting like it never happened? Abusive! Stay at your mum's and divorce this arsehole.

Why does he do it?
Control.
(Cold, dysfunctional family explains a lot.)

He genuinely enjoys seeing how far he can push you and get you back each time.

Who in their right mind would tell a partner they would kill themselves if they left? That's 100% an empty threat, although of course the ultimate guilt trip to you. If you were going to kill yourself, would you be telling the ones you love and if you were would you not be making clear they were not to blame?? If you asked him to show you what he has bought I bet he couldn't!

An excellent plan to stay with your mum for a bit. It will help you get in touch with how you feel with him and away from him. (I 'd bet he wants a lot of phone contact with you when you're away...)

Read Why Does He Do That? (Lundy Bancroft).

You don't need this life.

Leave him. You are worth so much more than this. It sounds to me like he's fallen for somebody else and his mood swings and temperamental nature are related to how he or she is responding to him. Walk away, leave him to sort out his own mess. If he threatens suicide, ignore him. Get away before you have a child together.

Second the advice above. He won't likeitwhen you take back control of your own life - but he deserves no further say in what you do and you will never e able to trust someone who at best is so self-absorbed, or at worst, a cruel abuse shit.

Oh I am so sorry OP. Why dont u take it step by step. Few days away will help you to decide what would u like to do. Would you like to leave him? Fine. Baby steps. Divorce or separation? Contact a lawyer to see your option. Then try to take care of your accommodation, etc etc. wright it all down as it might help

Agree with everyone else, this is classic abuse and he is going to drive you to a nervous breakdown and then say its all your fault.
Leave to go to your Mums and don't go back and don't engage with him. I'd phone or email his family letting them know what has happened so that they can choose to get involved if they think he is suicidal. Whether they choose to do anything or not isn't the point but you will have made someone else aware. You can't carry this alone. You are the victim not him.
I'd get some counselling/advice and try to get the divorce etc sorted as soon as you can. I'm really sorry for you, these abusive men are the scum of the earth.

Having depression is not a free pass to be abusive. I suffer with depression myself. However I wouldn't treat a nor speak to a maggot the way he treats you.

Bipolar? Depression?
He needs to get help but none of it can be at your expense.

Would suggest some distance while you both work out what you need and want.

LEAVE NOW.

You need to get out now this has all the signs of an abusive man there can be no justification for staying in this relationship he won't harm himself if you walk out that's him just controlling you more and more just go

He doesn't behave like a man who loves you loads.

Don't wait for him to end it for real. Take control. He won't like it and he will create drama but it will be no more than a tantrum because his favourite toy has been taken away from him.