Husband is being so cruel

[Confused7888]

Posting here for traffic and have name changed. I don’t have anyone to talk to about this in real life so I appreciate any help you can give me.

I married my husband a year ago (been together 6 years). I’m 34 and we have a mortgage but no kids.

we have had a few ups and downs in our relationship with him sometimes becoming a bit distant or making the occasional mean remark about my looks. Nothing too awful but there were a few red flags along the way but I still went ahead and married him as when we’re good we’re amazing together.

over the last 6 months our relationship has been utter hell though! He told me he wanted to divorce and he only loved me as a friend and had never found me attractive. A few weeks later he back tracked and said he didn’t mean anything he said and he was just sabotaging things as he’s depressed. We stayed together and things seemed to get back on track. 2 months later the same thing happened again. I made arrangements to move out for a while but the day before I was due to move he starts saying he’ll kill himself if I go and he doesn’t know why he keeps trying to sabotage things.
Another month passes by and we are back on track again and he is really trying every day to be a very loving partner. Suddenly out the blue he tells me yet again that he isn’t in love with me and he just wants to be friends as he doesn’t feel any spark or chemistry with me. The previous days he had been telling me how in love he was with me and how beautiful I am etc so as you can imagine my head was in bits with his confusing behaviour. I don’t think my mental health has ever been so low! Again I made plans to move out and he freaked out and begged me to stay and swore he would never treat me like that again and would sort his depression out once and for all.

well another month has passed by with us seemingly starting to sort our relationship out but on Friday he did it again for the 4th time! I was hysterically crying as he told me coldly that he doesn’t feel any spark with me and he can’t keep living a lie. I went to sleep and a few hours later he got in beside me and was cuddling me saying I’m the most important thing in his life and he never wants us to split up. The next morning I had barely slept and was feeling extremely low and confused with his hot and cold behaviour. He came downstairs crying saying how much he loves me. He’s now acting like nothing has happened and making out we’re happy together again but Im extremely tense just waiting for him to do it again.

I know I need to leave him but I feel at rock bottom and am struggling to even get out of bed let alone start being proactive in finding somewhere else to live. I feel close to having a complete mental breakdown over his behaviour towards me. it feels like complete mental torture and emotional abuse!!

sorry I don’t even know what I’m asking for help with on here but it’s just good to let it all out and see if anyone else has been through anything similar and come out the other side? Does anyone understand why someone might behave like this? Thanks for listening

It must be awful living like that

my first thought was “Wow ‘disorganised attachment’ issues on steroids”

or “a massively abusive arsehole”

Either way. Get Out.

He’s got issues only a professional could fix. Don’t let him continue to damage you and leave you with a baggage carousel of issues of your own fucking up any future relationships you have.

Ripping all the stuffing out of you over and over again then threatening to kill himself if you leave is fucked up and abusive regardless of anything else going on at other times.

I wonder though if he has someone else he’s dallying with and ping ponging between leaving to be with her and not wanting to leave you in case it is a mistake. He’s trying to convince himself your shit to justify ending it, then shitting himself that you are leaving. I say this as in the first year of getting married this happened to a friend of mine, they’d been together 10 years before marrying.

He sounds very abusive. You can't keep living like this, it will destroy you.

Leave for good. He likely won't commit suicide, but if he does it's in no way your fault. You are not a qualified mental health worker, you're out of your depth here. If he threatens suicide, you call 999 and the police will be sent for a welfare check. If he is genuine, then he will get the help he so desperately needs. If he's lying, he will have to explain himself to authorities. Call his parents and let them know he is suicidal. He need not be your problem anymore.

You deserve so much better than this OP. Don't waste your life living like this

Ah just saw your update above, written while I was writing. Yup, he’s having an emotional affair whether it’s physical yet or not, he’s classic. Same advice still applies although if we’re still at emotional affair stage couples therapy may help. But really do you want to spend the next 30 years worrying about who he’s seeing? One year into the marriage is not a good forecast for future behaviour.

He won't carry out any of his threats against himself. There may be a token and feeble 'cry for help' gesture at some point, but he'll (of course) come out of it OK while you are supposed to feel all guilty and distraught.

Honestly, fuck him.

I wouldn't even discuss your leaving plans with him any more - just make them, and go ahead. Don't shag him / get pregnant, and quietly see a solicitor.

I'm really sorry OP that this man is not who you thought he was, and that he came into your life

Do not let him know your plans to leave him. Once you have left, if he gets in contact telling you he plans on committing suicide, contact the police and ask them to do a welfare check. I hope you are able to leave soon and start rebuilding your confidence and self-esteem

I think you need to pack up and leave while he isnt there so he cant fuck with your head threatening to kill himself. Pack and get out and block him for a while of needs be.

You poor soul.

You hit the nail on the head when you mentioned emotional abuse and mental torture, that's what this is.

He is a confused weirdo, if he has depression he needs to deal with that not bring you down with him! He is so cruel.

Leave him, don't tell him you're leaving him, just do it. Whatever he does after you've left is his lookout.

I wish you well in the future and hope you find someone so much better than this excuse for a man. 💐❤

@Confused7888 in your shoes OP I would tell your dh he has cried wolf too often, you’ve had enough and he can leave.
If he threatens suicide just offer to ring the police or an ambulance.

Don't give his feelings another thought. Yours are far more important - you're living YOUR life, not his. What he does is nothing to do with you - he is responsible for his behaviour, not you. If he needs mental health help, he needs to get some.

Do you want to keep living like this? Of course you don't.

Find some strength from somewhere - even a tiny bit will be enough - and split.

He is abusive. You need to leave, and harden your heart for the duration. He may threaten suicide, he may 'attempt' it. He'll be furious his control of you is weakening and will try and get you back by tugging on your heartstrings. Do not fall for it.

I left my abusive husband and took the kids to my mum's. His mate came to her house to speak to me, saying husband was going to kill himself and all that shite. I got my mum's carving knife and said here, he can use that.

Did he do it, did he fuck, got re-married and forgot about our children as he had a new family to look after, bastard.

When my friend’s bf pulled this crap, she fell for it the first time, then second time reported to police (and mountain rescue as he’d gone off in the hills) and never spoke to him again. (Ps he didn’t kill himself)

Yeah. Other woman. Thank your lucky stars you have the chance to get out before you have any kids with him.

He is abusing you. Women's Aid can help you. They will not force you to leave him but they will help you see things more clearly. They will support you in whatever you decide.

Please ignore the depression, mental health stuff, suicide threats. They are not your problem, you cannot fix them and they probably aren't real.

The times he is saying he doesn't love you - that's when he is looking elsewhere. Or actually being unfaithful.

When he comes back crying - he has probably been turned down. They are also the hook that keeps you hanging on. As you say, when things are good they're great. They are a sham. I'm sorry, that bit really hurts

This isn't going to get any better. Please do something to help yourself sooner rather than later. Do NOT tell him you know he's abusing you and do NOT let him know you are seeking help. He could well escalate his behaviour.

I wish you well

You need to get away from this guy before you have kids with him

OP look up cycles of abuse. He's breaking you down gradually. It is common for things to start either after marriage or pregnancy. He isn't depressed, or his verbal abuse would be directed at people in work etc. The threats of suicide are common tactics of abusers. You are in an emotionally abusive relationship and if you don't get out, as said you will be a shell of yourself and won't recover. Go see a solicitor. Don't tell him and one day just go.

Why on earth would you even contemplate enduring another second of this cruelty. To cause this kind of pain to anyone is not love. Please leave and save yourself. Anything else is self abuse

Everyone else has said what I was thinking. Classic affair guilt/behaviour. And ignore all the threats etc.

Just leave in silence.

But just to add. If any of the threats etc have happened by text/email then keep a copy of everything.

Once you do leave an arsehole like this he will very much start trying to make it all your fault. So why proof you can gather to be able to focus on and ignore his lies will help a lot. X

There will be amazing advice and support on this Theresa but please leave this man before her damages your mental health any further.

Can you imagine another forty years or more living like this?

Start planning.

Just to add emotional abuse and coersion (via sucidide threats) are now taken seriously under the law.

My Ex was very similar. Would say he was leaving, then as soon as I agreed and was about to leave he would do an about turn. Over and over.

Whatever the reason, this kind of ‘I”ll leave’ ‘I won’t leave’ especially with drama saying he will kill himself, is high end emotional abuse on you.

With my Ex he was also have many affairs at that time, which I only found out later. However it doesn’t really matter why, the continual leaving you puts you on the back foot. Nothing can be worked on in the relationship. No problems solved or aired. Nothing can be positively built on either, as if they want to leave you, it’s an immediate wall where we can’t even suggest a nice meal out or the cinema, can’t do anything relationship wise.

It’s extremely destructive. You do need to draw a huge big ring around yourself, a boundary where you are not continually drawn into ‘his’ drama. Honestly it doesn’t matter whether it’s a mental health problem or an affair - that’s for him to get help for or end or be honest. You cannot control what he does. You can only control how you react. So don’t live your life in a continual reaction, live your life according to what is important day to day, like your job or kids or whatever. Get some individual counseling from someone who is versed in domestic emotional abuse. Start a plan for yourself and refuse to be part of any drama. Just tell him you need to protect yourself.

You need to leave, but I understand that's hard. Perhaps you should have a break or just live separately for a while. If you are seriously worried about him taking his life, then you may find it difficult to just cut him off formally. It maybe that he does love you but isn't in love with you, and in all honesty is fearful of living alone as well as being completely alone. A break may do you both good. You are not saying it's over, but you are making a clear declaration that you won't put up with it anymore. Keep giving in; no matter how much he hurts you, he won't ever learn as he doesn't really care.

This behaviour is not a result of depression, it is the result of him being a cruel abuser. His threats if suicide if you leave is a classic controlling move. Please, please leave asap. Do not have sex with him ever again. For aome reason your post made me think is this guy an abuser and a closet gay.

It's basically a form of abuse and control and a means of undermining your confidence so you. Every time he tells you he doesn't love you or doesn't find you attractive, he sees that you are upset. Then when he starts being nice again, he sees that you are grateful.

That means that he knows a) that you are scared he will leave you and b) that he can get away with hurting you repeatedly to control you. He's pulling the rug from under your feet all the time because he doesn't want you to feel safe and secure and confident in your relationship. The less secure you feel, the more likely you are to try to please him all the time, which means he therefore has the upper hand over you.

A lot of people don't realise this, but it's actually a really, really common form of emotional abuse. He knows exactly what he is doing. My ex did this to me and my best friend's ex also did it - honestly, your description of his behaviour is almost identical to what my friend and I both experienced.

I'm really sorry you're dealing with this, but I think you need to leave him. He's not a nice man.

It may be true that he is depressed - but that doesn't excuse this particular behaviour in any way. Depression would only manifest itself in being repeatedly and deliberately cruel to other people if the depressed person is, quite separately from their mental health issues, a nasty piece of work. The fact that he was making nasty comments about your looks and so on long before this is just another side of the same coin: he's horrible, OP, and he's been gaslighting you for years.