Husband is being so cruel

[Confused7888]

Posting here for traffic and have name changed. I don’t have anyone to talk to about this in real life so I appreciate any help you can give me.

I married my husband a year ago (been together 6 years). I’m 34 and we have a mortgage but no kids.

we have had a few ups and downs in our relationship with him sometimes becoming a bit distant or making the occasional mean remark about my looks. Nothing too awful but there were a few red flags along the way but I still went ahead and married him as when we’re good we’re amazing together.

over the last 6 months our relationship has been utter hell though! He told me he wanted to divorce and he only loved me as a friend and had never found me attractive. A few weeks later he back tracked and said he didn’t mean anything he said and he was just sabotaging things as he’s depressed. We stayed together and things seemed to get back on track. 2 months later the same thing happened again. I made arrangements to move out for a while but the day before I was due to move he starts saying he’ll kill himself if I go and he doesn’t know why he keeps trying to sabotage things.
Another month passes by and we are back on track again and he is really trying every day to be a very loving partner. Suddenly out the blue he tells me yet again that he isn’t in love with me and he just wants to be friends as he doesn’t feel any spark or chemistry with me. The previous days he had been telling me how in love he was with me and how beautiful I am etc so as you can imagine my head was in bits with his confusing behaviour. I don’t think my mental health has ever been so low! Again I made plans to move out and he freaked out and begged me to stay and swore he would never treat me like that again and would sort his depression out once and for all.

well another month has passed by with us seemingly starting to sort our relationship out but on Friday he did it again for the 4th time! I was hysterically crying as he told me coldly that he doesn’t feel any spark with me and he can’t keep living a lie. I went to sleep and a few hours later he got in beside me and was cuddling me saying I’m the most important thing in his life and he never wants us to split up. The next morning I had barely slept and was feeling extremely low and confused with his hot and cold behaviour. He came downstairs crying saying how much he loves me. He’s now acting like nothing has happened and making out we’re happy together again but Im extremely tense just waiting for him to do it again.

I know I need to leave him but I feel at rock bottom and am struggling to even get out of bed let alone start being proactive in finding somewhere else to live. I feel close to having a complete mental breakdown over his behaviour towards me. it feels like complete mental torture and emotional abuse!!

sorry I don’t even know what I’m asking for help with on here but it’s just good to let it all out and see if anyone else has been through anything similar and come out the other side? Does anyone understand why someone might behave like this? Thanks for listening

The threats of suicide are just methods of control, trying to make you feel guilty for even considering leaving. He's bluffing, he won't do it. I hope you have a good support network around you x

There could be any number of reasons he's doing this: he's having an affair and is conflicted; he's a horrible abusive man who actively wants to break you down; he's seriously depressed or has some other form of mental health issue...

... it doesn't matter. Because his BEHAVIOUR is the problem and it is destroying you.

You need to leave. and if he threatens suicide, leave the phone number for he Samaritans by the door as you go (threatening suicide is just ANOTHER form of control)

And do not go to couples counselling with this abusive man. He would just use it to abuse you further.

Get counselling for yourself only when you feel ready. But you need to disengage completely from this head-fuck of a tosser. I'm afraid you simply can't trust him.

He's either doing it deliberately or he's depressed.

Neither are caused by you or for you to fix.

Make plans quietly to leave

What is the house situation? Mutually owned or rented?

Dump this waste of space he is fucking you over left right and centre. 💐

The house was his and I moved in 3 years ago. Thanks for all your responses. It’s incredibly helpful!

Just leave. Do it today. Go and see a solicitor about divorce and selling the house. It sounds as if he's either having or considering an affair but doesn't want to break it off with you properly until he's sure of the other woman.

The threatening suicide behaviour - he won't do it, honestly. And in the absolute remote chance he does, it's nothing to do with you. He's the one who wrecked your relationship. You've done nothing but try and make it work. If you leave and he threatens to kill himself, tell him you will be contacting the police to perform a check on him as you have concerns about his well being. Watch him back pedal.

Leave today. Just do it.

He’s doing it on purpose so you leave him and he’s not the bad guy, been there done that.

Put yourself first and leave him, he’s abusing you in such an insidious and vile way.

Situation with house makes it even easier. Pack your stuff and leave. Now.

You - like each of us - deserve to be happy.
Hang on to that thought as you consider your situation in this marriage.

His behaviour looks like classic abuse from the outside. Love-bombing and then rejection. (Even the suicide threat is part of that.) He has enormous control over you and can make you unhappy whenever he feels like it.

This is not good for you and that really matters but note that this sort of power is also not good for him.

Can you be happy in a marriage that continues to be like this?

The pattern is a repeating one - whatever he claims when love-bombing you.

He has just text me this:

Hey beautiful, how's your day off going? Have you been up to much? At least it won't be long before we can have a long weekend off together for your birthday Missing you and love you loads xxxxx

it’s like he’s just acting as though nothing has happened even though Friday was probably the worst day of my whole life. I’ve never been so upset and broken about anything as I was. When I was crying my heart out he had me pinned down on the bed and was telling me he loves me but he can’t live a lie as it’s only as a friend. He kept saying it over and over again when I was inconsolable.
how can someone keep switching like this?! I feel like he maybe does just love me as a best friend and is trying to force a romantic relationship with me as he’s scared to end things and lose me completely from his life. Plus the fact that woman at his work has maybe caught his eye so he’s now comparing me with her and thinking how he doesn’t have those excited feelings of chemistry with me

Time to go sorry OP but you can't spend your life like that. Best to pull out now before any kids involved

It’s very hard when someone is confusing and pulling at your emotions - but your post title says it all - he is cruel. It doesn’t really matter why, he could be a sociopath who likes to play games or suffering mental health issues, or having an affair - the end result is the same. He is cruel and your head is a mess.

I know it’s hard but try and see it as a scales thing - the more time you spend around him, the more the scales tip towards lower self-esteem and trauma from his behaviour. The more time you spend away from him the more you can begin to heal and reconnect to yourself.

Start doing everything you can to tip the scales back to where you deserve to be - away from abuse, cruelty and nasty, confusing behaviour and back towards yourself and having a happier life.

If you waver again on leaving him, remember the longer you leave it, the more goes into the side of pain, abuse and cruelty.

Did you post about this a few months ago?

No I haven’t posted about him before x

as when we’re good we’re amazing together

God, if I could give one piece of advice to all women, including my younger self, it would be never, ever to think this is the mark of a sustainable relationship.

Relationships survive or founder on how you deal with it when you disagree or things are not great. Never hold onto a relationship just for the 'good times'. Everyone gets on when things are going great. You need to know you can be decent to each other and work constructively through it when things are not going great.

Hi OP, your partner sounds a bit like mine was with all the mood swings, though I think your situation might be slightly worse as your partner seems to be more cruel than mine was :( whilst I agree with the posters saying you should leave and your mental health is most important priority, in my scenario when my partner started taking antidepressants he became a totally different person and I am so glad we did not split up. At the end of the day i look at it as him missing a chemical in his brain and getting treatment for this, similar to a diabetic and you wouldn’t leave someone for getting diagnosed with diabetes? However the decision to get that help with his mental health has to come from your partner and it won’t work if you have to force it, you’ll end up back at square one. It’s just something else to consider however as I say you are well within your rights to cut contact and leave if that’s what’s best for you, wishing you every happiness ❤️

I hope you find the strength to leave this man. You don’t deserve this rollercoaster of abuse he is putting you through. Sending lots of love to you ❤️

We can’t know what’s causing your husband’s atrocious behaviour but we can all agree that you need to get out. And you need to do it without delay as every day with this man is another blow to your well-being.

You are not responsible for hi ms behaviour, for his feelings or for his well-being. In a true partnership we support each other through the dark times but he is no support, he is an abuser.

I’m sorry for what you’re going through. You did not cause it and you don’t deserve it.

This is very serious abuse, he is messing with your mind to an extreme extent.

I know it’s not how you ever imagined your marriage ending but in the grand scheme of things, nothing is worth this level of pain. You get one life; don’t surrender it to this man.

It's not your job to understand why he's doing it, it doesn't matter. Dont' waste any more time or energy wondering and trying to work it out. Pack a bag and get out of there and stay with someone you trust.

You need to do this now because as you've already identified this is affecting your mental health, and as the days go by you're going to become less and less able to think clearly.

Then Divorce him and never let him darken your doorstep again.

He's using his mental health excuse to control and hurt you. You need to get out of this toxic situation. Put your own well being in first place. No good can come from this.

He sounds manipulative. I can treat you like this, it upsets you, oh I feel powerful. Now I change it around and say how I love you, that makes you feel good about me, Im in control. Now I’ve said I don’t live you you might leave ( and I’ll lose control of you) so I’ll say I’ll kill myself. To him it’s a game. My ex h did the same.
Manipulating, sometimes gaslighting to keep control.

Get out now — the puppy is a ruse to play happy families, it’ll be a baby next.

Jesus! It sounds like he's purposefully trying to trauma bond you.

Even if I try to be sympathetic to him, maybe he's depressed, maybe he has some form of personality disorder etc His behaviour is still completely unacceptable. If he really does have any of that, then that is something HE needs to start sorting out. You cannot fix this for him, and I honestly think that if you try, he will wear you down until you're a husk.

Google gaslighting

Understand and accept that 'when you're good, you're good'. If your relationship was like Friday all the time, you would never have got married, would you?

Understand that using suicide as a threat is a form of control (and ime is actually the worst form of control of all because it uses your good heart to keep you trapped.) If he threatens it, call the police for a welfare check. It is not your responsiblity.

I think he's abusive, others may disagree but that doesn't matter. What he isn't is a loving partner who makes you happy. You deserve that. It is the LEAST that you deserve. If you're on a day off today, pack up your stuff and go. I know it's hard, I promise I do, but you are worth so much more than this.

This is narcissistic and so so cruel. Please leave this awful man OP.
I can’t speak for all of course but many of those who actually intend to commit suicide do not announce this and use it as blackmail. Please don’t let him control you in this way.